For the sake of not @forthesakeofnot - Tumblr Blog

im finally get the one i need. a job. a stable one. the one i can move forward to. i can finally let go of the past.

a redemption.

maybe i dont deserve to be in a relationship.

im not good at it.

perhaps im too controlling, envious, horrible at it.

i just wanna disappear and make a new life.

i deserve to be alone.

im not good enough, ugly, insecure.

i just wanna be alone.

it seems like im all alone when i need somebody

I need some times to sort myself out.

I have a problem to fix which is myself on how can I trust others.

what's the best for me? what am i really good at? why i feel bad about myself? perhaps one of them is I hurt the people I love. Why I doubt them? Even though they have changed from what they used to be. But still, why I am still not convinced? what can I do to convince myself towards others? Why I still doubting them? Why can't i get rid of this scepticism in me? Has my past taught me so much that has made me not to trust anyone? If everyone is leaving me for not trusting them, or hurting them, saying mean things to them, I think i deserve to be alone.

I actually deserve to be alone. Im never good enough to anyone.

different people suffer at different ways.

let it sink in.

Am I really okay and an attention seeker?

But why I am feeling in pain mentally and I do not even know how to express the things I want to say?

why i dont have the feeling to do the things i am supposed to do and even to the things I used to love as if I haze zero will to do the things I like?

why sometimes I am crying for no reason?

why im feeling like im worthless and inferior about myself? why i feel my existence is a nuisance to everyone?

why i dont have the appetite to eat recently and would rather go starve to sleep?

why i feel like i hate myself and i want to disappear?

why i like to isolate from the others (family and friends)?

Why i feel like I dont trust them at all?

when somebody contradicts to what they said initially.

im not somebody they are proud of. im a useless person. they want be to be away from here because im useless and i dont reach their expectation.

Is it simply just feeling sad if I ever think to end my life?

when I have so many feelings to express but I cannot describe it verbally (even one by one), am I okay? am i just simply sad?

i am doing my part to make everyone happy but whenever I do, it never works. It seems like what I did was just in vain.

im nothing but trash to them. im not a person but a problem.

am i really worth living?

im very positive that my existence isnt means anything to them.

I admit, I hate my life, my existence, so much.

incapable. useless. a nobody.

Post-Marathon recovery

Sadly to say I did not manage to complete the full marathon yesterday. It was all because of the runner’s knee that I was experiencing somewhere at 30k.

All the training I did, I put 0% effort on my knee at all. Which means, I didn’t train my knee to strengthen it as well as to let them adapt the pain. Runner’s knee is a very common problem for long distance runner. It was frustrating to know that I failed at the thing I wanted so much because of this pain and it makes me want to keep myself away from the social.

And, I don’t think im going to KK next month for the Borneo Marathon in order for me to recover from this pain.

But, I will train smarter and focus on my weaknesses for my next marathon in Kuching. InsyaAllah, I will achieve my dream to be a marathoner in my next event.

Hobby-related event in Miri

23-24 of February was awesome. It was held in Miri Pustaka and the local cosplay club had booths to sell whatever they wanted to sell. So I was selling my old figurines that I didn't need anymore and 95% percent of the things I had were sold out!

Other than that, I took part in a cosplay competition and guess what I won the 3rd place which I didn’t expect at all. I was cosplaying as Hatsune Miku so I had to be like her. So to be like her, I had to sing a Japanese song. Luckily I learnt one vocaloid song. When it was my turn to do the cosplay skit, one of judges took a video of me which I had no idea why at first. But later I realized that one of the judges were Japanese.

Long story short, it was a fun filled weekend.

I am looking forward to the next event!

I am tired.

Is it wrong to give up on something because you are so done with it?

I am done with teaching, teaching isnt what I want to do, i dont have the heart to do it. at all. im forced to do it. it makes me tired emotionally. i dont feel appreciated.

is it wrong to be selfish?

money money money.

Is it wrong to be distant and quiet than being confrontational?

To this person, being distant and quiet are the signs of me being angry, it’s a way of me to show rudeness?

But what if i tell you it’s how I avoid any further complication. well i do it to anyone. i repeat, everyone. Sik kira family ka kawan ka. no one is an exception. The act of me being distant means I am so done with the shit im dealing with.

No one understands you except yourself. Even though I do try to explain or ask for confirmation, however, such actions are considered rude and melawan. fuck malay logic.

well better than me throwing things to your face.