dear whom this may concern:
i want to talk to someone.
i am someone who lives a comfortable enough life. nowadays i do, at least, anyway. i moved to canada from california not long ago. i am a software engineer, and am privileged to make good money and work from home. i have much control over my work life, although i tend to be a workaholic. i work twelve hours per day, and six days per week. i am an insomniac. hell, it's five in the morning as i type this right now.
but i have been fairly lonely. i don't have friends. i go out of the house every once in a while, but haven't talked to very many people. i don't have any family to talk with, i've been disowned for few unrelated reasons. in other words, i guess i don't know what acceptance really feels like, but this i think i could take care of myself. but i also suppose that i don't know what it's really like to lose the control over my life that i have.
do you know what it's like to lose control? or to take control from others?
despite the loneliness, i like my job. i have my hobbies and aspirations. but sometimes i think about that, and i'll feel...conflicted. i'll think that perhaps that i shouldn't have as much control as i do. but rather, i don't know if i want the control i have.
i think, sometimes, that maybe i should instead give all control to someone else. someone who would keep me in a cage so i won't ever have a need to fit into the world. so i would only ever have to worry about what he thinks. someone who would have control over how i look, how i speak, how i act, how i feel, how i think, even if that control would be obtained by any means necessary, even if that means i would have pay with my blood. and not for the sake of any greater good, but rather, because i am tired. very tired. i want someone else to take the wheel. i want to know what it's like to lose all control.
i guess that's why i'm writing to you. i don't know who you are, exactly. but something like a gut feeling tells me that you could help, or at least give me advice.
thank you for taking the time to read this. you absolutely don't have to write back, i understand. i know this is a lot, so sorry about that. i'm desperate, and i know it. and that desperation has only ever grown more and more. and because i don't talk to many people, i fear i have no other means to try to remedy this aside from talking to strangers.
Hello, Eleanor, dear. I hope this particular bout of insomnia isn't taking too great of a toll on you. Hopefully, I can manage to send out this response before you go to sleep. Otherwise, I hope you are doing well when you do have a chance to read this.
First and foremost, I'd like to remind you that I am open to and welcome messages of all kinds. I want to hear about you all as well. You simply engaging with someone and reaching out to them, in most cases, is not forcing some burden upon me. Your presence and emotions are not a burden. Do you understand? There is no reason for you to apologize to me for being here. If you're going to apologize to me for merely being in my presence, I'd much rather it be for fun and sexy reasons.
I do understand these feelings and desires that you speak of. Both from my personal experiences and those expressed to me by my dearly loved ones. Control, both as a concept and in practice, is a blessing and a curse. I have existed on either side of the coin. To be entirely controlled, kept, protected, called for. To cage, keep, guide, look after, control entirely. To relinquish and maintain control can be a challenging balance. When someone, such as yourself, is overworked, exhausted, desperate, conflicted overall, I think it is a natural response to want assistance and help of some kind. When you are someone commonly put into the position of power, of influence, control, the weight of this pressure over an extended period of time will eventually lead to over exhaustion and burn out. It can result in all sorts of issues. Insomnia being one of them, actually. Depression, anxiety, irritability, inclination for substance abuse, among others. Hell, that's why you see so many CEOs end up having a Dominatrix behind closed doors. Even this temporary relief from the pressure of remaining in control can have huge mental and emotional benefits. That desire to relinquish it, even just for a while, is a very natural thing. There can be a balance. You can maintain your control in aspects of your life otherwise while having the relief of release on a weekend, a few times a month, when you're in your home setting, whatever you may decide or agree to. There are solutions for this that can offer you both. In that process, you may find that you prefer the total loss of control. In which case, now you have had a taste of the experience and have an informed insight into what it is you like and truly want.
Loneliness is a heavy weight to carry. Despite having my few dearly loved ones, I feel lonely all the time. There's this piece that's been floating around on the internet for over a decade now, I'm sure. "Even in a room full of loved ones, I still feel alone." Something to that effect. While it's been a bit of a meme, I really do relate to that feeling. Sometimes, it isn't really the amount of people around you. I feel as though some people just carry a loneliness in their heart. I do. Isolation, however - a total lack of having friends or a support network - that can breed a certain kind of loneliness. One I have felt before as well. Reaching out to people, even strangers, can make a world of difference. Have a friendly conversation with a barista during a slow period. Compliment a stranger's outfit, ask them where they got specific pieces from. Go to a book store and ask someone for a recommendation for their favorite book, why it's their favorite. Sending a message to someone over Tumblr. All may seem like small steps, but having these bits of interaction, to talk, to laugh, to feel, to share with others will help allow your body and mind to combat the feeling of desperation overall. It won't solve the issue. However, it has the possibility to help alleviate the impact. All of those things, including sending a message just as you are here, are things I have personally done while struggling with this intense loneliness.
I know I must sound like a broken record with how often I say this, but a good work life balance is essential towards your wellbeing! It can be difficult with bills to pay but I promise, you have 5 minutes to do something for yourself every single day. The world will not end with a lost 5 minutes. Find something that helps you and allow yourself to indulge and decompress for 5 minutes at the very least. Try to spend your day off focused on you every once in a while. I can't speak on your financial situation or schedule, however, there are always steps you can take to help your body and mind even in seemingly small ways.
In short, I think you need to indulge in a bit of self care and I believe that getting a little freaky with it will help your cause. ♡ Feel free to write me again. I wish you the best. Try to get some sleep.
