Safe place for me

NOT PRO so please don't report, just block Some of my posts do mention eating desorders but also this is a page for sharing my art

[fragileflowersstuff]

Hi, hello,

Before looking at my post please note that I suffer from an eating disorder, although I am not pro Ana, my account might be triggering for some people. I use this place to vent, it's kind of a safe place for me.

Since I'm not pro, I won't use any # - beside TW since it can help to those who are in recovery- and I won't write any number, just some of my safer thoughts but it still could trigger you. Please take care of yourself and don't read my post if you feel like it might be bad for you 💗

[fragileflowersstuff]

Hi,

Today went as planned and not as planned at the same time.

When I woke up I wasn't up to restricting, I was like no, I don't need this. However at the same time I didn't know what to eat and wasn't really hungry so I didn't eat and when I finally felt like eating I didn't want to. I guess my mind came to its senses (or lost it) and restricting again sounded like a good idea.

I made tea, and only a lot later like after 7ish did I eat.

Stayed in cal limit good, good. WRONG. At that point I changed my mind again. It was truly unwillingly but it happened. Tomorrow I'm going to an allergy testing and I felt like this ruined my trying.

You see a few years back when I was a little more successful with this Ana thing I didn't see the consequences as much as I do now. So back than a lot of things wouldnt bother me for example in the situation where I am right now the old me wouldn't have eaten just because I will loose blood, but know I know I can get sick.

Now that I'm writing this I know a solution. My mom offered to buy me something but instead I could say ill bring yoghurt with me and let's just buy a drink. I would ofc wouldn't eat the yoghurt, it would be the one I promised my only friend that I would give it to her (since no-one likes it here)

A b option would be saying I want to buy *something specific*from the cafateria. This is also good since than I wouldn't have to worry about the zero cal thingy.

Oh boy, did I changed the subject. Sorry for that. Back to the old me vs current me, now I know that it's a little dangerous to loose blood while restricting. My mom lazer said it will be only a little, a hope it's true.

So this got me tempted, I wanted to eat since tomorrow I would just have to and it messes everything up. It was already late so I've decided to eat some pie that we got (it's a smaller size and a little different pie than what's in America) but I could go further than one bite, it wasn't that good. It was kinda bad, it was a nice gift tho, my brother liked it.

So even tho I wanted to it twice throughout the day I didn't. I don't know exectly how will tomorrow go, let's hope for the best (which is also kind of bad)

[fragileflowersstuff]

[fragileflowersstuff]

So I'm pretty sure I'll relapse really soon like tomorrow when I weigh myself

Therefore I've decided to collect the things I did a few years ago when my Ed wasn't so pathetic and a little more successful

never looked at food videos (now I always do)

No breakfast

No bringing money to school so I can't buy food (if I do then buying zero cal ice tea)

Only dinner

400 cal per day

I'm not sure about this but I didn't really look at thinspos more like a few but not really, didn't see the point of it just like food videos

That's all I can remember right now

I also should do some growing workout but I'm not sure if it would be truly working or not

[fragileflowersstuff]

So in theory this would be my goal weight...

[fragileflowersstuff]

[fragileflowersstuff]

When YouTube take away dislikes it made online hate worse.

First I didn't understand but than a video explained it. It's simply that if someone can't express their - mostly unnecessary - hate one way the will an other way. Which in this case is comments but it's obvious that a hate comment has more hate in it than a dislike. So at the end of the day it was worse.

I feel like when Pinterest and ig did that same with Ana content it was kinda similar. Also thought about how bad it would be of they took away Ed tumbler.

It's not the same as the YouTube one but it's kind of similar. Taking away safe spaces from the people with Ed is not the good way to solve their problems.

Anyway, I didn't really had sg to say I was just thinking about this.

[fragileflowersstuff]

School makes me gain weight with all these studying

Or as I should see for achieving my weight goal:

I'm such a failure I can't stop overeating even when I don't have a single free moment. I'm disgusting for this. Everyone else could but I don't even study enough. All I am is a fat disappointment. I can never be the small thing girl if I continue like this and everyone else knows that I'm stupid and fat. No one would ever date me not even the boys that no-one likes because they are creepy

[fragileflowersstuff]

Eating is not overrated

[fragileflowersstuff]

I did my math

700 cal is the goal

I hope its low enough and high enough at the same time

[purplepigeonphilosophy]

tag urself <3 part 2

[fragileflowersstuff]

I decided to come back.

If you've read my post or if you read them you probably realise how obsessed I am with stopping the time.

If I loose enough weight life stops in the sence that I get into the hospital and I maybe can't study and stuff. Don't have to make the big decisions and stuff.

I've once seen a video where a girl said that she thought the same too, loosing weight stops the time or more specifically going to the hospital and getting diagnosed does. She went to hospitals multiple times since she relapsed and after a few relapsing she realised that she doesn't stop the time, life still goes on just without her.

How I see it its true. On the other hand thought that doesn't bother me. Currently I'm not living. I don't have friends (only one), I don't go out and people don't want to talk to me. I only live in my studies. However I still want it to stop.

I'm in 12th grade, next year I'm supposed to go to university but Im not ready yet. We'll I'm ready to go to uni but I'm not ready to take the French baccalaureate or the math exam and let's not even talk about how I don't want to be a grade school teacher even if now it looks like that's what I'll be. I want to study physics and I'm really sorry that people could make me believe I wasn't enough for it.

I don't have a support system even tho I have a family of 5. One mean teach or came and sad some stuff and although my mom said he was mean no-one said I shouldn't quit and when I did nobody cared. Even when I told them what happened for example my brother was more busy make explain why and how was the teacher mean and making me feel bad for saying that instead of saying I shouldn't worry about it or shouldnt give up on it.

Don't get me wrong, I know my brother. I know that he only said it to annoy me but that doesn't make it better.

I'm really completely alone.

Not even our cat loves me.

Having no support system made me make some bad choses that I wish I didn't make because I missed out on things. I strongly feel that one person's support would have made a big difference.

[fragileflowersstuff]

My mom came home today.

I'm not sure if I mentioned but she was travelling.

So I hate myself. I don't know why I have to be like this and why she hurts me so much. I should literally starve myself until I get into a hospital and stop the time.

I feel like everything I have ever given up is because she made me feel like I'm lazy and all I can do is fail

But I do fail. That's why I just binged. That's why I don't even have an eating desorder. That's why I'm not skinny, why I'm not studying physics or animation and that's why I am a failure.

I feel like there's no way out. I have no support system nor something that makes me truly happy

I've been thinking about going to the school psychologist but I don't know what should I write to her, also I think when she's in school I have classes. There's not much hope in this I guess. I have to ask for help but I can't, there's nowhere to go.

[fragileflowersstuff]

Each day when I wake up it takes time to remember.

At first I always think I can do it and I have a light rememberence of yesterday and the days before. But as I'm sitting there, just in a few seconds most thing comes back and I feel like I can't actually do it.

I do promise myself each day that I'm gonna go back to the days where I was better (I mean feeling better). Promising learning, paying attention, trying to eat more health and being happy.

Just getting myself together.

I promise these things everyday.

I think I'm desperate because I keep failing yet then doing it again, trying and trying.

Today I haven't yet failed breakfast, there's still a long day ahead of me but this is already an accomplishment.

I'll keep trying today as well.

Ps.: I think I fixed my sleeping problems which were a few weeks ago

Also when I went to school yesterday there was already light outside which really made my morning. Also when I have a 7 (morning) class I can hear the birds talking and singing which is so precious

Today I'm going to be alone, my only friend is sick so she won't come to school. Its a good reason to take better notes tho since I'll need to send it to her

[fragileflowersstuff]

Each day when I wake up it takes time to remember.

At first I always think I can do it and I have a light rememberence of yesterday and the days before. But as I'm sitting there, just in a few seconds most thing comes back and I feel like I can't actually do it.

I do promise myself each day that I'm gonna go back to the days where I was better (I mean feeling better). Promising learning, paying attention, trying to eat more health and being happy.

Just getting myself together.

I promise these things everyday.

I think I'm desperate because I keep failing yet then doing it again, trying and trying.

Today I haven't yet failed breakfast, there's still a long day ahead of me but this is already an accomplishment.

I'll keep trying today as well.

Ps.: I think I fixed my sleeping problems which were a few weeks ago

Also when I went to school yesterday there was already light outside which really made my morning. Also when I have a 7 (morning) class I can hear the birds talking and singing which is so precious

Today I'm going to be alone, my only friend is sick so she won't come to school. Its a good reason to take better notes tho since I'll need to send it to her

[fragileflowersstuff]

Honestly I wanted to put a trigger warning because of mentioning bad things but like just don't read it. Go off of tumbler, get some help of a book or Google or from a person or I don't know. Get better, you are worthy of happiness

I recovered

But here I am again

I'm afraid of coming back but I can't help hating on myself.

I am not sure how much but my last few post been all just this between empty weeks.

All I say is I might be coming back than I'm not. I could say I promise this or that.

However my life is seems to be going downhill. I came up pretty high, my grades were wonderful and I kept my weight at 50 (100) with some yo-yo. But now I can't even remember those days.

Even a week ago. I can't even remember if I ate breakfast (I mean usually not this morning) , I probably have. I don't remember anything besides a few things. I don't know why. But I am super alone.

Now I'm cold, but I don't want to get a blanket. I'm hoping to catch a cold.

My mom doesn't let me to miss even one day of school, even if I'm exhausted mentally or physically.

Lately I've been learning. Not text book learning but kinda like "you have to learn this even if it hurts af" way. Ive learned that I'm alone, completely.

First I thought it was the "you can only trust yourself with stuff you want to be done" but it quickly turned into, you are simply alone.

Been even thinking of unaliving myself but I know I'm not serious. Not brave or not broken enough, I don't know. Been also thinking of my grandparents. I love and miss them. They are really old. "Their" dog is also someone I miss. A few days ago I got an email from my grandpa and he said that Lady (their dog) is haven't been doing much and spends her time sleeping in her house. She's gonna die. Or at least I think. Their last dog, also named lady did the same thing before she died. Just sleeping and not moving much. Maybe its months or even years but still. I'm not sure I'll be able to see them before they die. Thanks to my mom, again.

I think I need help. Too bad there's none.

[fragileflowersstuff]

Nothing to see here

Just me worried that I'm gonna relapse real soon