Retail Workers Uncensored Sentence Starters
“It’s not false advertisement if you’ve learned how to fucking read.”
“The next time I catch you trashing this aisle I am going to throw you down the garbage compactor and listen to you scream while it crushes you.”
“Ma’am, I don’t have the emotional capacity to care right now.”
“This coupon expired two years ago I can’t give it to you!”
“This isn’t a pawn shop we don’t fucking bargain on damage percentages.”
“The trash can is Right. Fucking. There.”
If you’re going to be standing IN the cart trying to surf it because you think it’s cool, I hope your mom thinks a neck brace and a medical bill is as hilarious as I do.”
“Just run me over and put me out of my misery.”
“If you had read any of the fifty-four signs that you passed in the aisle on the way to ask me if they’re on sale, then you would know the damn answer.”
“We have a fucking FLOOR SCRUBBER, why are we MOPPING??”
“Oh my god there’s shit all over the floor.”
“Oh come on I just CLEANED in there!”
“And there it was- a fucking dirty diaper.”
“I’m going to have to clean up this fucking disaster of a bathroom without gloves, aren’t I?”
“We’re going to erect a shrine to the leaky roof gods and pray that if the roof does fall in that it lands on us and kills us instantly.”
“You’re new, right? Well never go into the back room alone. The stairs are haunted and the ghost has a terrible sense of humor.”
“I hope you last longer than the last one.”
“Who put their half-assed coffee behind the fucking pillows instead of, I don’t know, finding a trash can?!”
“I handled that customer the only way I can handle my parents- astral-project the fuck outta here.”
“I’m going to physically manifest in this person’s house and beat them senseless.”
“How hard is it to flush a toilet?!”
“That furniture you’re getting dirty footprints all over costs more than your life does, I know- I asked your parents.”
“Oh my god no one put a fucking bag in this trash can.”
“I’m going to pick up this cart and beat you with it.”
“Your kid is like three, STOP LEAVING THEM UNATTENDED!”
“I know your parents don’t love you so you act out, but I don’t love you either and I am heartless enough to call security on your asses.”
“I take out my anger on using this rubber mallet to beat the shelves back into place, and if your hand is in the way then it’s a bonus.”
“Oh, trusting me with sharp objects again, I see.”
“I have lost all faith in people knowing how to read.”
“Of course the head manager can take a week vacation but GOD FORBID anyone else taking it off at the same time!”
“Can we just banish holiday sales?”
“This job only made me learn how to hate people.”
“If I got to fold yet ANOTHER shirt because some ASSHOLE just dumped it on the floor, I am going to STRANGLE them with it.”
“I. Fucking. Hate. Glitter.”
“If anyone ever tipped me for carrying their stuff out to their car, I’m going to pocket that shit, fuck what my manager says.”
“I immediately start dissociating as soon as I pull into the parking lot.”
