can (if you feel comfortable) you pls write a fellowship x human reader self harm comfort fic? maybe they see cuts/ scars and ask about it or question reader about blood or why they had to excuse themselves and then reader has to hide it from them more and they find out the reader has relapsed or something - whatever you feel comfortable with! I've been really struggling with this and it would comfort me lots - thank you!
Dear anon, first and foremost, let me tell you (quite seriously) that if you need someone to talk to, I am right here!
I am (unfortunately) not a stranger to the issue and I've done my best to be comforting, writing this at 2 o'clock in the morning because I didn't want to withhold what little measure of solace I might be able to give you for a second too long!
I am sorry if my own experiences (and my utter ignorance of the fellowship) might have skewed this a bit, I hope you can find some comfort in it nonetheless...
Please remember that you are loved and cherished and that I am your friend if ever you need one; I mean every word in my fic, come to me and we'll find other ways to deal with stuff than this, ok?
Lots of love and kisses...
Soul-scars
Words: 1,6 k
Characters: Fellowship x human reader
Warnings: TW self-harm, blood, hurt, hurt and comfort! Be advised!
As this is really sensitive, I've put the whole story under the cut!
AGAIN: TW SELF-HARM
You hated yourself. It was weak, it was stupid, it was despicable.
As the blood ran down your arms like mud, your tears finally dried up; eternally leaking, you felt as if a secret and shameful misery was festering inside your soul and only this ā horrible and senseless as it was ā could ease the pressure of the bubbling and churning pit of agony in you.
It felt dirty; nothing clean could ever come out of you and the sight of the oozing liquid ā looking pitch black in the moonlight ā filled you with deep shame.
When you returned to the company, you did your best to pretend that you had not spent the last few minutes frantically digging your dagger into your own skin and watching yourself bleed until the swelling of the indignant flesh had stemmed the trickling flow of impurity and frailty that you tried to hide.
āAre you alright?ā Legolas looked up sharply; did he smell the blood? Could he hear your heart roar in your chest?
āI am quiteā¦alright,ā you used the same word, only it sounded feeble from your pale, cracked lips.
āYou donāt look well,ā Gimli agreed with his friendās worries, āwhat is the matter?ā
Automatically, you tried to turn away from their eyes; you could have dealt with anger, with suspicion, or even with outright pity, but they did not put themselves above you, no, they were worried about one of their own and their gazes expressed concern more than arrogant judgement or disgust.
āWalk with me,ā Aragorn asked you gently, leading you back onto the path you had just emerged from.
āHow can I help you?ā he asked as if it was understood that he knew exactly what you had done.
āI donāt know what you mean,ā you tried to deny what seemed so painfully obvious to the others.
Ever since that morning when you had dried your long-sleeved tunic at the edge of the water and everyone had seen the pale scars criss-crossing your arms, they knew; you trusted them with your life so you had decided that you might also entrust your deepest, darkest, dirtiest secret to them.
āWhy would you hurt yourself?ā Merry and Pippin had been horrified at the mere idea; to them, life was something wonderful that was to be enjoyed fully and pain was merely the price one had to pay. Never in a thousand years would they have wilfully harmed themselves if there was no fun to be had in return; moreover, they had been aghast at the thought that a dear friend of theirs was in such mental pain that theyād decide breaching the integrity of their own skin.
Sam had simply put a small vial into the palm of your hand with the whispered comment that a cut was but a cut until one got a nasty infection. He accepted that there were a million things in the world that he did not understand from the get-go, but Sam was fiercely loyal.
There was not a hurt that would go untended under his care and ā no matter whether one had chosen oneās lot or not ā he was not the kind of soul to deny anyone help, even if they had brought their fate upon themselves.
āYou are precious,ā Frodo had smiled sadly, āand it pains me to see that youāre not aware of it.ā His tiny, sturdy hand ā a hand that held the destiny of Middle-Earth ā had closed around yours as if to stay it from inflicting further harm upon yourself.
āBattle-scars are battle-scars,ā Boromir had shrugged awkwardly, āeven if I cannot see the enemy, I can believe that itās there and I am ready to fight it.ā
With a small side-hug, he had pulled you closer and whispered: āDonāt let them know, but I have come to realise that these fellows might know a trick or two yet unknown to us ignorant humans; letās pool our knowledge and resources to find a better way to fight and defeat whatever ails you.ā
Just like Gimli, Boromir was a practical man, a warrior, a fighter, and a true friend; he had accepted that you were struggling and simply asked you to seek the council and solace of your friends before engaging in the same pig-headed way of dealing with things that had not led to any success this far.
āOh,ā Legolasā eyes had been as deep as his native forest and almost as sad, āI have heard of souls flickering desperately before petering out; is that what is happening to you?ā
You wished you could have said ānoā, but you had shrugged sheepishly. How could you explain the pain raging inside your heart and soul to someone so pristinely pure and gentle as Legolas?
His was a long and blessed life, the integrity of his graceful body was a gift to be cherished and celebrated, and his people had much more experience with the rise and fall of empires, dynasties, and great hopes.
How could he ever fathom the petty, desperate, pitiful railing of a human soul against the profound unfairness of having so little time at your disposal and yet being denied a single drop of unadulterated happiness?
His life was song and prayer, yours was struggle and almost childish petulance at how much you wanted to live and how tired you were of trying to.
āI am sorry,ā you sighed.
āDo not be sorry, my friend,ā Aragorn gave you a gentle smile; always in-between, trying to do right by everyone and secretly afraid of failing, he might well have been the person who understood you the best.
āYou do not owe us anything,ā he went on softly, āthe only person you might let down is yourself!ā
āI am not the only person hurt though, am I?ā you asked tonelessly, remembering Gandalfās heartbroken expression when he saw scars so numerous, they would have brought great honour to many a seasoned warrior but that were so incongruous and cruel on the flawless skin of one so young and tender yet.
āWe are worried about you,ā Aragorn admitted, stopping under the wispy, comforting canopy of a large tree, āand it pains me to know that youād not come to any of us for help and solace.ā
āI did not want to bother you,ā you whispered, ashamed of your relapse as much as of the wistful expression your weakness had brought into his gaze.
āOne day,ā he said, staring at the distant horizon, āthey might write stories about us, and theyāll pick and choose the best attributes for their rhymesā¦but we, my friend, we are the chroniclers of our own story.ā
He turned back to you, gripping both your shoulders in his broad, callused hands as he spoke insistently: āYou are part of that story and Iād much rather you share the truth of it with us; let us keep note of your darkest nights, let us bear the brunt of your most violent storms, let us be there for you.ā
āIā¦ā you didnāt know what to say.
āYou want to carve your pain into skin? Boromir can stomach pain, Legolas heals quickly, Gimli has tough skin, and I have suffered worse,ā he smiled, baring his arm to you, āif you want to eternalise your struggle with blades on flesh, I offer you mine!ā
āNO!ā you cried, that was absurd, youād never hurt a friend like that.
āNow you know how we might feel about this,ā he said gently, careful not to press you too much, āweāve talked about this, and you said that sometimes, the pressure gets too strong to withstand. Come to us! Do you think we are strangers to expectations and the crushing weight of the world on our shoulders? We can offer other ways of venting and you may try them all until we find one that works.ā
You sighed deeply; he was right. From walks to songs, from cooking to sparring, from brooding silence to frantic babbling, they all had their way of dealing with the hell you had
fallen into and that nobody would make it out alive from if you failed in your quest.
āThere are better things to do with blades ā axes, knives, arrows, swords ā than to hurt one of the most precious souls in this world,ā Aragorn shook you lightly, ānow go and let Sam look at it.ā
That night, after healing salve had been spread on the new cuts, Legolas sat next to you as you drifted over into sleep.
āYou might want to curse a dwarf,ā he whispered with a small chuckle, āfather says it helps.ā
A second later, he added with another bell-like peal of laughter: āFather also likes wine. If Gimli was not a dwarf, I think their shared fondness of beverages and seeking someone to fight with, when under stress, would make for a fond friendship between those two.ā
You did not truly know where he was going with this, but the sound of his voice was soothing and so, you let him talk you to sleep, smiling to yourself when his cool hand slipped into yours as if to tether you to the earthly plain.
āIām sorry,ā you mumbled, already half-asleep.
āYouāre doing just fine,ā he replied, having counted the days since the last occurrence and the one before and finding ā much to his relief and satisfaction ā that those breakdowns happened with decreasing frequency and lasted for a shorter period, āit will be alright. We all learn as we go, we all heal as we grow, and ā as my mother used to say ā it will all be well in the end, if itās not, it only means itās not yet the end.ā
You wondered when Legolas had become so wise, but sleep pulled you under and ā against all odds and your own expectations ā you slept soundly and peacefully through the night
Dear anon, I'll be keeping an eye on my inbox :D
Please do not suffer alone; this goes for all of you out there, please do not suffer alone! Reach out, make friends, talk to someone! I am right here!
It was an honour to be asked to write this and I hope I could do this immensely important subject justice.
Cutting, also known as self harm or self injury, can be a heck of a struggle to break- shit, I've been fighting for 5 years and ongoing.
You're not alone in this.
Let your cool emo older brother help out.
Information:
What is cutting? Why do people do it?
What is self harm?
Self-harm is when someone would deliberately hurt their bodies- whether that be cutting, hitting or something of the like.
This post is cut focused.
-
Why do I do it?
People sometimes cut as a way to cope with strong physical or emotional pain, distress, suicidal thoughts or some kind of punishment.
But really, there's no 'why' to cover every single reason. It's individualistic. It's valid. Don't ever think you're not.
Scientifically, the rush you get from the pain, the adrenaline that's released into your bloodstream- that's why you do it. For that moment of relief, that need to hurt yourself to feel alive or to feel something.
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How can I stop/Why should I stop?
It takes time, especially if you're a frequent cutter.
Again, that rush you get from pain can be as hard to break as drug or alcohol use.
The thing is, this is way more life threatening than those. One wrong slip and you could slit an artery and bleed out in as quick as 5 minutes.
Think about that one person that keeps you going- what would they do if they found you covered in a pool of your own blood, motionless, gone from this world. What would they say?
Think about the panic of you running up to your parents after hiding it for so long, gushing out and begging for them to call an ambulance because you don't want to die?
Morbid. I know. But those are thoughts that keep me up at night, thoughts that allow me to keep pushing back the urge.
Tip!: Baby oil can help reduce the appearance of scars overtime! Massage it into the area once a day and you should start to see fading in a week :)
Think about your reason, write it down.
Remember it.
Cutting Kit:
Though I still strongly believe you shouldn't, here's stuff you should keep around for if/when you have a relapse.
Antiseptic.
Clean your wounds and keep your items just as clean. Infections can kill you as quick as bleeding out if it gets into your bloodstream.
-
Lighter.
Run the flame over your blade to get some of the nasties off to prevent infection.
This doesn't sterilize your blade, it stops the spread of germs. Never place the hot metal onto your skin though.
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Bandaids & bandages.
Cover up fresh wounds and replace bandaids often to stop dirt or germs entering.
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Steri-strips.
These help close wounds that may have opened up too much, they aren't stitches but they do the job.
-
Wipes.
I prefer the cooling kind to calm the sting of the cuts. They're better for cleaning fresh blood than tissues, plus tissues breakdown easier when exposed to liquids- you don't wanna get that stuff in your wound.
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Paper towel/toilet paper.
To use when the bleeding has calmed down, press firmly on the wound to soak it up and to help with the blood clotting.
Tip!: If you need to cut, cut on your inner thigh. Itās easier to hide and thereās less chance of hitting a major vein or artery.
Prevention Methods:
What I find helps.
Dive into some more methods to help yourself out too.
Rubber band/hair tie.
Snapping something against my wrist has helped me hold off for quite some time now. It gives me that pang without permanently scarring my body.
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Exercise.
Due to food being one of the main reasons I self harm, exercising helps put my brain at ease with no need for punishment.
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Hobbies.
I play guitar, I draw, I write poems or stories, I read. Anything to take my mind off of the reason why I want to cut.
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Calling people.
My partner is my go to. I go and piss off my sister too, she makes me laugh. And she's one of the reasons I'm still here.
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Crying.
Crying. Crying gets all of my emotions out- sometimes gives me a headache and exhausts me. But hey, at least I didn't relapse.
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Stop, think.
Stop and think- why? Why am I about to do this? What could I be doing instead? How can I fix my feelings?
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Put it off.
Just put it off for five minutes, see if you feel the same way- rinse and repeat.
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Butterfly.
I get my friends to draw on my arms, butterflies or their names specifically. If I cut, I kill the butterflies or I hurt my friends.
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This!!
Yep! This blog is one of my methods to avoid hurting myself :)
Don't panic.
Things happen, what's been done is done.
Breathe, calm down.
-
Clean your wounds.
Grab out your little kit, clean up the mess and your open cuts. Make sure they're covered so they don't get infected.
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Cry.
It's okay to cry, whether its been two days or two years- things happen. Relapses happen. It's not lost progress, think about how much time you were clean for and how much more you can keep trying :)
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Reflect.
Why did this happen? Why did you do it? See if you can avoid future situations like this in the future to stay safe.
i hate how jealous i am, how attached i can get. i hate feeling that type of rage while someone is rejecting me. i hate holding on to such feelings and mourning over past trauma. i hate that the only way to feel relieved is to harm myself or punish others. i hate how i was doomed even before i was born. this stuff was already part of me.
date idea: you take me to a second-hand bookstore and i show you all the books i want to buy as you follow me around just like a puppy with its ears perked up and tail wagging
ā. š Ė the idea of a strong butch being gentle with me makes me melt >//<
ā” like.. you can literally fold me in half but you're apologizing for squeezing me a bit too hard ?? ugh how cute can you be, it's not fair !! \(ą§¹ĖįĖą§¹)/
hyper-independent femme who hates being told what to do until it comes to her and her butch in bed, and then all of a sudden, she's a brainless mess who can't think for herself
The Art of Transliness Guide to Being Read as Male
Most trans* people who are in the business of giving advice to others have a guide to passing or presenting (weāre avoiding using the passing from now on because it has recently come to our attention that it is a pretty problematic term). Some trans* people donāt care much about the way they are read (or donāt identify with the binary at all) or wish to change the way they dress or behave, but for others it can be incredibly important (because of dysphoria, safety, comfort, or many other reasons). For those who want advice on this matter, hereās what we have to say:Ā
-For some people, being read as male is easy. For others, it is hard. There is no fairness in this. Whether it be their naturally deeper voices, height, body shape, or bone structure, some trans* people just naturally have an easier time presenting as male before/without HRT. For other people, it can seem impossible no matter what they do. The reason Iām saying this is because you should not blame yourself or be down on yourself if you are misgendered. There are many variables that control whether or not someone reads you as male that you have no control of, including their expectations, if they previously knew you as female, the context they are seeing you in, etc. It sometimes helps to recognize this and realize that when you are misgendered it is a problem with the other person seeing you the wrong way, not a problem with you.Ā
-Dressing like a generic guy can often (though not always) increase your chances of being read as male. Many people are uncomfortable with the idea of getting a certain haircut or dressing a certain way because it really limits their self-expression. If youāre having trouble being misgendered though (particularly pre-T/not on T), blending in with a popular/typical haircut and clothes like what everyone else is wearing can really help. Look around you and try to fit in. Whatever the guys in your age group in your area are wearing, wear that. This means different things for different people.Ā
-When dressing, however, keep in mind that youāre not only dressing to fit in, but also usually to hide your curves. A plain white undershirt is a guyās best friend, because layering helps conceal your chest and smooth out your curves. Slightly baggier jeans (like one size up) can also help cover your hips, but I would advise against wearing oversized clothes if that is not a style that is common in your area among your age group. Even if they are in style, avoid fabrics that are really clingy (like thermal shirts). Many trans* guys say that it helps to avoid cardigans until after theyāve had top surgery, just because of the way it can make your chest look. The best thing to do, though, is to try on a lot of different types of clothes with someone who will be honest with you and see what is most flattering for you.Ā
-Again, many things that help people be read as male require dressing and acting in a way that may or may not be appealing to them or come naturally to them. It is up to you to weigh the options and decide how you want to incorporate these suggestions. Having said that, mannerisms really matter. A lot of guys get their hair cut really short, buy all guys clothes, bind, and pack, and still donāt get read as male 100%. A lot of times this is because the way they walk, gesture, or position themselves. Non-verbal cues are HUGE in determining how others see us, and they are also mostly unconscious things we do and so are difficult to change. The way other people perceive your gender is really complicated, and so these things generally do not override someoneās impression of you if you have otherwise strong male cues (for example, a beard), and so mannerisms are particularly important for those who look more androgynous (for instance, those who are pre-T/not on hormones or early in their transitions). Guys with āfeminineā mannerisms who otherwise clearly read male are more likely to been seen as gay instead of as trans* men or as women. Watch other men to pick up on their mannerisms. Men tend to stand with a wider stance and not lean on one hip, tend to cross their legs at their ankles or rest their ankle above their knee, gesture less, and walk with their chests instead of their hips.Ā
-Verbal cues are also important. There are ways to make your voice sound deeper, but often it can be even more helpful to just change what you say and the way you say things. Men are more likely to talk in a monotone voice, whereas women are more likely to vary their intonation. This is just a stereotype, like a lot of tips like these, but it actually can help if youāre having trouble. Men are more likely to use fewer words to say things, and many men (particularly younger men) tend to mutter instead of speaking clearly.
-Details in general are important. Carefully examine the people around you and be aware of how you dress, move, act, and speak. This isnāt to say you should be gender policing yourself, but just that you should be aware and be able to adjust things accordingly based upon what would make you feel most comfortable. In many ways you are completely re-learning the gendered social script that most people acquire when they are very young children. Even if you completely reject the gender binary, it can serve you well to understand the social script and societal expectations behind it so you can blend in if needed. While it can be frustrating, following these types of guidelines and modeling yourself off of other men can really help. Once you have started being read correctly more regularly or have started developing clearer male cues, you may find that you have more freedom to break these rules and still be read as male.
-Finally,Ā Confidence is key. This is a missing component for many people. Be confident and expect others to see you as male. Trans* guys usually have a much easier time once theyāve been on testosterone. Part of this is because of the physical changes that provide clear male cues (facial hair, vocal changes, fat redistribution, structural changes to the face, etc.), but also because it tends to increase guysā confidence and help them feel more secure in their masculinity.Ā
jewishpopcorn asked: Any ideas about writing a deep sense of camaraderie between characters without seeming gay? Iām hoping the bond to be similar to the bond between Holmes and Watson, Lennie and George, and other famous brothers in bond. Thank you for any advice you can give!
Weād like to begin by quoting John Green: āBooks belong to their readers.ā
If your readership sees a homoerotic connection between two male characters (famously the case in modern Sherlock Holmes adaptations between Sherlock and Watson), then there is very little than you can do about it. You can recognize that your audience may see homosexual attraction where none was initially intended and embrace it with humorous asides and a certain amount of ambiguity or you can ignore the subject altogether.
If you donāt write them to be attracted to each other, they wonāt be. That is, until the fan fiction authors get ahold of your narrative. By that time, itāll be out of your hands.
However, you can start by writing a believable male friendship. The examples below, of course, are not true of all male friendships, but they represent a good starting point.
Male friendships:
Have clear boundaries. There are entire websites dedicated to the rules men create for their friendships. Men like rules, and with those rules come boundaries that are unique to each friendship. Most men prefer not to show emotions like sadness around their friends; some men have little to no physical contact. Regardless, men tend to come to a wordless agreement on their boundaries and stick to them.
Have rituals. From secret handshakes to elaborate initiation processes, men spend time cultivating rituals together to strengthen their bond. Fraternities are famous for their rituals, but, on a much smaller scale, one-to-one male friendships tend to have norms and rituals (like inside jokes repeated ad nauseum) that are nuanced and extremely specific.
Have structured times to meet. Men hang out in structured settings, such as a Friday night poker game or D&D games every Sunday. Men meet to watch their favorite sports teams play. They may spend time together outside of these structured meetings as well, but these structured āplay datesā are a staple in male friendships.
Have priority. A very strong friendship among men will take priority over nearly everything else. It is said that āa good friend will bail you out of jail; a great friend will be in that jail cell beside youā. Men will drop what they are doing to come to the aid of their friends, and they will endanger themselves to protect their friendships.
Have hierarchies. In a group of male friends, as with a pack of wolves, there is always an alpha, a leader. Among two males in a friendship, one will inevitably have more control than the other. This may be in a constant state of flux, or remain pretty stagnant over the course of the friendship.
Feign dislike. This is not as common, but a kind of feigned disdain from one man to another has been observed in many male friendships. In these sorts of relationships, it is usually obvious to both men that the dislike is not genuine, though to the outside world the relationship may seem hateful or even abusive. Most of the time, it is understood between the two men that the disdainful man is incapable or unwilling to show true affection, and so the disdain true meaning is the exactly opposite of what the outside world perceives.
Fulfill an emotional need. Men are not made of stone. A strong friendship between males is essential for their happiness. Men need someone to talk to, someone who listens, someone to call their girlfriend and explain that theyāre too drunk to drive home. It is especially important for men to have strong male friendships when they are in relationships, as the male counterpart provides advice and comfort (and common sense) in a way that no significant other ever could.
Center around action over conversation. Men prefer activities over conversation. As previously mentioned, hanging out for males usually involves some sort of game or a goal to be reached. Men are much less likely than women to sit around talking about their private lives and their feelings. If theyāre going to gossip, they can do it while actively engaged, like while throwing a baseball or rolling the dice, or swinging a sword, if at all.
Just to reiterate, these examples are not law. They are simply a starting place from which to build believable male friendships.
For more on male friendships, check out these articles:
The History and Nature of Man Friendships
Friendship for Guys (No Tears!)
āI Love You, Manā and the rules of male friendship
Male Friendship
Understanding Male Friendship
Straight male friendship, now with more cuddling
Thank you for your question!
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