I've given myself some time to reflect and get myself into a clearer headspace in order to write this statement, in hopes that it will be as clear as I am able to make it. I know this is a quick turn-around from my last post, but geniunely just stepping away for a day helped me gather my thoughts together in a way I can't explain. Also, leaving this to simmer for too long felt like that'd end up building confusion and resentment about this whole thing, and I didn't want that, so I'm making this post now rather than later.
I do apologize in advance for any mistakes in the writing, this is going to be a very lengthy message.
I'm also going to be writing this using my own voice. By that I mean I'm dropping the detached "neutral" style because that had clearly lead to more problems than it's worth. This also means that I'm going to be as transparent as possible, because I find that I prefer to be a very transparent person, and for a situation that ended up being as impactful (and not in a good way) as this one, I want to make sure that nothing is left on the table when all is said and done.
This all being said: you've read the title.
I'm not even going to pretend to be unbiased. I was the opposite side to many people in this situation, which means I definitely have a very different perspective from those on the other end. This statement is mostly going to be my perspective of the timeline of what happened and why things happened the way they did, and---as you all have also read from the title---an apology for every mistake I made along the way.
Sorry, I know this is a long intro, but the last thing I also want to mention and keep emphasizing is that: this is my opinion and perspective on how things went down. Which means that yes, there are certain aspects that others will disagree with based on how it was perceived. I just ask that anyone involved or who was even an onlooker to just do everyone a favor and extend everyone who decides to give in their two cents after this a hefty amount of grace. There was so much hurt involved on all sides. This doesn't need to be dragged out any more after this. (A sentiment which is painfully ironic, I know, given what sparked this. This will be addressed later, don't worry).
My perspective will be skewed against them, I'm aware. Just as theirs may be skewed against mine if they decided to come out with some final statements of their own. Whoever you agree with more isn't what should be focused on. What we all (me especially included) need to focus on is how things went so wrong so quickly and why, so that hopefully, in the future, nothing this terribly drastic will happen to the community again.
Major TW, there will be heavy topics such as suicide, schizophrenia episodes, intrusive thoughts and other mental health issues discussed below
So, with all of this being said and done,
The jorlandoforever situation had just wrapped up for a second time. Tensions were still high and it seemed like there was a lot of hurt still going around.
I had been doing my best to keep track of the jf situation as it occurred---after all, I'll admit, I was a fan of the blog.
Once the second round of the situation had seemingly resolved, the way it had all happened so messily got me thinking about a few things. Some tangentially related, some not. I began thinking about previous "drama" or "incidents" and wondering what all of them had in common during the run of Katsblr. What keeps happening that makes these things so hard to keep track of and so hard to prevent? Eventually, I had the idea to create a commentary on the timeline for all of these incidents so that my thoughts could all be kept track of in one large analysis and then eventually posted so that I could offer that perspective to everyone else, too. I mean, I figured there wouldn't be any harm, many other people had made their own commentary on katsblr incidents all the time, I was now just tying them all together into one solvable issue.
In my mind, so far, I saw this as nothing but a net positive. I mean, the problem I had traced this all back to was a lack of communication. I was pretty happy---obviously I wasn't gonna fix everything, but it'd be nice to have a coherent pattern traced out and analyzed so that we were able to see the weaknesses and better the community. Win win! I mean, the best resolve from all of the situations would be that we all grew from it, because that ensures it didn't happen for no reason, and we didn't move on without dwelling on it.
I pitched this idea to someone who I was (and still am) pleasant acquaintances with. I told them I had the post drafted in mind, and was wondering if they could check it out. They said sure, but that they were busy, and that they'd review it when they were free.
Here comes my first huge mistake in this situation:
I had gotten some very small brief pieces of advice from this person and figured that was enough for the post.
That was a huge, colossal blunder that I now wish more than anything I could take back.
Below is an image with little mini annotations that I made which I think just outlines how my post failed at what I wanted to achieve in just---every aspect of its creation.
The teal is where the first awful mistake came in. I framed it as though my analysis was going to be my own commentary on just the jf situation. Considering tensions were already really high because the situation had *just* resolved not even hours before the statement made, and considering how vague I made my wording, I completely understand why this made everyone blow up. Like. All of you were completely justified for feeling affronted and like I was butting up in your business. I didn't make my case look any good from the START.
My intention in starting it off like that was, back to what I explained earlier, the jf situation just made me think about these things and were what sparked the idea of the post in the first place.
I now comeptely see why that was not the way it was interpreted.
Then the dark blue. Now I've just made my case infinitely more worse. "It will be controversial"? Okay, maybe a little egotistical but not outright confrontational. "I don't care if it is". In bold. As a single standalone statement.
I was just asking for the flames at that point.
Genuinely, guys, this one I can't even explain. Why I thought that'd be seen as anything less than confrontational I could not tell you.
I was trying to make this eye-catching, abrupt, and to show I seriously believed in what I was about to say.
Instead I ended up aggressive. Confrontational. Accusatory. Mean.
The dark blue at the bottom, the tags, only served to be the moldy cherries on top of the decaying mud cake. The worst thing is, the tags weren't even supposed to make it in the final cut. That was a draft of me experimenting different "call to action" type eye-catching statements and ended posting while forgetting to redo the tags. And because the statements above were already confrontational, I just ended up creating a hydrogen bomb of a statement.
The red I don't think needs to even be explained. Red. Bold. Large words. Intense. Intimidating. Accusatory. All bad, bad, bad connotations to have for a post that was meant to rally people together.
I told a few people around me I had posted it, thought about how I'd write the statement the post was referencing, and was excited to map out the analysis that was soon to come. (And, now obvious, to never drop).
An anon asks me: when's the drop?
I respond somehow even worse that the ominous post. In my head, I'm being professional. I'm being strictly neutral and detached and this way people won't get mad because I'm not just hurtling in my opinion or piece, I'm trying to do something big. Something important. For the community.
I'm not even gonna provide the screenshot, you can see it on this account. It was more awful wording, bomb-worthy statements and vague accusatory-sounding language, and overall just a hot garbage mess. I'm so sorry guys, I now have learned, the very hard and very awful way, that when I'm not sure if I'm gonna be interpreted correctly, I should just be as honest as possible and say things in my own words. That prevents *so* much confusion and misunderstanding and pains and. Just. A big colossal catastrophy.
Anyways, I get ready for bed, tuck myself into my blankets, and decide to check on tumblr again.
I chat with one of the people who were aware I was gonna drop the post.
They tell me the discord is going crazy. I didn't take this seriously at first. I was joking around. "Oh, maybe they should be taking this seriously. I'm about to drop some rhetorical debate analysis on them, let's hit it!" Stupid stuff like that. (Yes, I have a stupid sense of humor).
Then I see the posts. The posts mocking me. The posts that made everything from here on out go so exponentially downhill.
^^(someone I thought was really cool before this)
^^(Didn't even know who she was before this and I'm still getting bashed.)
^^(thought she was pretty cool before this too)
^^(now we're laying it on a little thick. Also, notice how jf is tagged? That's when I realized I had messed up somewhere.)
This. This mockery is going to become a recurring theme and problem throughout this mess, and I need you all, right now, very clearly, to understand why.
One) I looked up to all of you. Every single one of you were such cool people to me before this. Within these screenshots are only people who made original posts demeaning and belittling me. You can all check the likes and reblogs they all got as well, and you'll see many familiar faces. This solidified so many awful ideas in my mind.
-> it first made my perception of katsblr as a whole crumble down in an instant. These people? Are the ones I look up to? People who openly mock and laugh about someone when they say something they don't like?
-> they're mocking. Me. These people who I cherished so dearly and thought were so cool are mocking...me, meifixblr, toof3rs, even if they didn't know it. They all hate *me* right now even though all they know is that it's an anonymous host behind an account for silly friendship games.
-> I keep saying this, but so many people that I was already shy about, already found to be cool and awesome and always mature...they were liking these posts. Probably laughing at me from behind their screens as well. Chrissv4mps. Miagamegirl. Lafortezasboy. Katskisses. Nakylvr. Herlondonboy. Fien4lararaj. Hereagain4u. All of you. It crushed me to my core to know that people I looked up to so much would act like mean popular kids. Would join in on mocking instead of chastising it. Would hate me so much because of a stupid post.
-> something had been wildly misinterpreted, I had messed up, there was no going back. Now everyone hates me. Now, I was bitter towards everyone, just for the fact that nobody decided to call the mocking wrong.
And two) I had not expected such an intensely negative reaction in the first place, so I was in no way prepared for it.
You guys mocking me is what made me not back down even after the flood of critical responses. Because in my mind, I had made an honest mistake with pure intentions. I now *had* to prove myself right against you because you guys were so much worse. And I, unfortunately, do still believe that looking back at this stage. The evidence is public. Even my "rage-fueled-crashout" was...mild compared to the way you guys were dragging me through the mud.
Even now, I genuinely cannot comprehend what could've possibly made you all act just...so...awful?
The worst thing is it could've been resolved here. Someone could've popped into my DM's or asks, and be like: "hey! Just FYI, a lot of people think the post you made sounds really intimidating. Was that intentional?" And I go: "oh! Not at all! That was my bad, lemme clarify :3" and we all go on our merry ways.
Of course, this didn't happen.
I'd like to finish this small segment of what happened with a few screenshots of the dm's I was sending to my friends at the time just to show you how much you all mocking me just shook me out of pure shock that any of you could act like that.
I may sound like I'm overexaggerating how bad the mocking was, but I emphasize it so much here to prove just how quickly it went from mean-spirited comments to straight-up cruelty and absolutely disgusting behaviors. From doubling down on mocking to making kink/sex jokes in the middle of a suicide crisis. This was the start of an awful trend that made me see a lot of you a lot differently than I ever could've imagined.
The next thing that happened is that I woke up to a whole lot of statements.
This is already where the first ugly mark of your guy's mocking just worsened the situation overall.
Had that mocking not happened, I guarantee you the situation would've stopped here. It would've taken a sec, and I still would've been really terrified because all of these messages are coming from people I found cool, but I would've listened. Mostly like backed off, apologized, realized that somewhere I had made an error and then tried to work on my wording and fix my mistake.
Instead, because you mocked me, I refused to hear you out.
Which I now am aware is petty, childish, and wrong. Admitting that that's how I felt is frustrating, to say the least, because I'd like to believe that I have at least a little bit higher of an emotional intelligence than an unstable toddler, but clearly, I don't.
What's worse is that I should've had some sort of awareness of my emotions from the start. My family is already suspicious that I might have BPD. Having that suspicion and precedent should've let me acknowledge that I was taking things to heart and needed to back off.
But I didn't. I didn't stop and do the mature thing which would be to calm down and assess my emotions. And for that I am truly sorry. That's a weakness of mine that has now been uncovered that I need to work on.
But at the same time, where I acknowledged my wrongs, you all have to as well. Because that's another thing that frustrated me so bad at the time and even now.
At the time, I saw you all as hypocrites. You mocked me, and then suddenly decided to have the righteousness to be making serious posts (ratio-ing me, no less) and to address all of *my* wrongdoings?
Meanwhile, in your responses, every single one of you *doubled down* on your awful, petty, and just cruel behavior.
I can guarantee you. With 100%, absolute confidence: had there been some shame for that, some sort of apology (even half-hearted), my emotions wouldn't have been so high-strung and I would've stepped down. Or at the very least been rational enough to take a pause and figure out where I messed up.
Instead, you all started off mocking me, then doubled down on your mocking, while in all of your statements and bios you all talked about being kinder against hate.
I'm not even going to sugar-coat this.
I was seething when that happened.
Now I had to win. Because if I lost, you'd all walk away smugly without seeing a single thing wrong with publicly humiliating someone. With publicly humiliating them despite knowing how large your platforms are and knowing so many people would bandwagon and most likely start sending hate and death threats because they're stupid. (I didn't get death threats, but my close friends did which is. Insane. And is why some sort of thought had to go into blasting someone so boldly.)
I quite literally would not have cared if you all wanted to snicker about me in your little discord server.
You publicly humiliated me over a mistake. Something so easily fixable. And then doubled down.
At the time, when I was seeing the statements come out one by one? I hated you all.
I don't now. Not anymore. I don't hold anything against anyone in all of this. Once again, it was a messed up situation all around and for that I sincerely apologize. As you're slowly seeing, I didn't mean to cause any of this. But I did. It's happened now. So I need to do my best to take accountability for it.
(^^doubling down on the mocking. First one is Lafortezasboy's reply to my comment under their post. Please dont send hate to ven, looking back no matter how frustrated i was ven's responses were always nothing but respectful. A few other things to note: riri mentioned me blocking people who disagreed. I...didn't? I blocked everyone who had mocked me because clearly you weren't going to listen to anything I say if that's how you reacted. Also having to see those accounts of people I once looked up after knowing that had mocked me was detrimental to my emotional wellbeing. So I blocked.)
Now, something to also note is that the mocking was not the sole contributor to my haze of emotions. I was also losing a lot of people in the middle of all of this, too. None of the people who had supported me originally were online at the time. I was completely alone, trying to defend myself against a dogpile of adults while post after post came out and everyone was expecting a response when I didn't have time. I wasn't expecting this. I wasn't anticipating this. I had 3 tests to study for and now i had to be online for hours because God forbid I leave the situation hanging for too long.
The first person I lost to this was Hafu. @hereagain4u.
And that one was completely, entirely, and utterly my fault. I pushed her away. I was harsh and mean. I plugged my ears and refused to listen.
Basically, I had seen Hafu liking the posts mocking and belittling me, and that crushed me. Completely.
Because unlike everybody else, Hafu knew that i was the one behind the friendshipgames. I wasn't just some anonymous, faceless figure she was making fun of. I was her friend who she had talked out of an attempt previously.
I had thought her, of all people, would reach out and ask for my perspective before siding with the people who had mocked me.
So when I found out she had liked those posts? And was continuing to interact with people who had called me a clown and were laughing in my face? I broke.
I made a post on my personal account which is no longer up that said, and I quote, "@hereagain4u, stay the hell away from me. Don't talk to me ever again."
That was an absolutely monstrous thing for me to say. There is no excuse. That was horribly cruel, especially when Hafu wasn't even online at the time when this was all going down. She wouldn't even know why I had said that. All she'd know is that I had suddenly turned on her and supposedly hated her guts.
Hafu. I am so deeply sorry. And I know that sorry isn't enough for all I have put you through. But I don't know what else to do.
I'm so sorry, Hafu. For making you feel so betrayed and hurt.
I'm so sorry, Hafu. For making you feel so small.
I'm so sorry, Hafu. For making you feel hated.
I'm so, utterly sorry, Hafu, for scaring you so much.
I shouldn't have put you through any of that. You shouldn't have had do go through any of that. From the betrayal of a friend to the way I was just so snarky and rude to you later. And you especially should not have had to go through the terror of thinking I had died after all of this.
All I acted towards you in this entire situation was cruel.
There is another friend I'd like to apologize towards, although I wouldn't like to say their name because the situation was never aired out and it never should be.
But to this friend: I'm sorry for making you feel blamed. And I'm sorry for making you feel so wrong for wanting to be friends with everyone.
Even if I don't agree with that view, it doesn't give me the right to be accusatory and assume you don't care about mockery, especially when you never engaged with those posts.
I'm sorry. And I hope you're able to have the peace of mind after this that you never did anything wrong.
There is another additional apology in place, because although I had hurt this person much later on down the timeline, I think it'd be best to apologize now before getting ahead of myself. However. Unfortunately. This person has now blocked me. I believe it was for their own peace of mind, which I completely understand.
I'm distraught that I managed to hurt this person so deeply that they felt the need to block me, especially when they were nothing but kind.
I know I've messed up a lot throughout this. But. I was wondering if I could ask you all one last favor? I want to be able to reach out to this person and apologize. I don't need or want them to unblock me. I just. I'd feel so sick and awful if I wasn't able to at least let them know that not only did they not do anything wrong, but that I was sorry for hurting them so deeply.
If anyone would be willing to be that messenger, I'd really, truly appreciate it from the bottom of my heart.
Okay. So now in the timeline is when I just start spiraling.
I've lost Hafu. I've lost another friend. Everyone I had ever looked up to was dogpiling and ganging up against me and couldn't be bothered to see what they had done wrong (my perspective at the time, this doesn't hold true now). None of my support figures were online.
It's here in the timeline I want to mention something briefly to clear things up: this is when blackcat and gecko reached out to me. We weren't friends before this.
I think another thing that made a lot of people so mad about my later suicide post is because when blackcat said I was their friends, people now had more reason to assume the post I had intended to make before all of this was going to defend their side. Especially since, you know, I'm a minor too.
That's not at all what happened, nor was that ever going to happen. That situation isn't mine to discuss who's wrong about, but I never have and never will defend the mistake that they made. I'm not one to defend anyone's mistakes because that's not on me.
And yes, I keep using the word friends, which might make a lot of people mad. We're friends. We're friends because despite them having every reason to believe I hated them for the mistake they had made, they were brave enough to reach out and make sure I was okay while you all bashed me.
They were the ones who consistently checked up on my mental health while none of my other support figures were online.
They were the ones who had the humanity to realize I was beginning to drown beneath everything that was happening. And when I tried to attempt, they were the ones taking on the brunt of my hate anons and defending me all throughout.
Hate them for their mistakes all you want.
But you cannot deny their kindness during my time of need.
Now, unfortunately, the timeline from this point, for me, at least, gets blurry. I have this problem that whenever I'm under too much stress, the time period leading up to that stressful moment becomes one big foggy mess. There're gaps and I know stuff must have happened but I cannot for the life of me tell you what. So if anyone wants to fill me in on what happened during the few hours between my defense and things going wrong, that'd be much appreciated.
Anyways, I get a message from someone I trusted a lot. So much. Actually, it's the person who blocked me. They said that while they understand what I'm going through, they have to make a statement on the situation because they don't like how its all played out.
I've lost all of my other friends, and now the one person whom I expected to understand where I was at---they're against me?
I lost it. I relapsed. I cried and I cried and I thought and I thought and there was just no way out of whatever grave I had just dug for myself now.
Here is my second huge mistake during this whole thing.
I had posted my suicide plans on my personal, private account. I hadn't meant for anyone to see it. No one was supposed to see it.
People who know me can vouch for this. All I do on my personal account is write out thoughts I can't say out loud. I write about my schizophrenia and other problems with crude and raw language because it's the only way I know to cope. If I'm seeing creatures again because of a schizo episodes, I post it on my Tumblr. Yeah, I'm an open book.
So no, I'm not apologizing for posting that on my personal Tumblr because it clearly wasn't a problem when none of you knew about it.
I *will* apologize now, profusely, for leaking my accounts after posting that vent. That was, quite possibly, the worst thing I could have ever done throughout this situation. Nothing is comparable.
I was in a haze. My mind was jumping between a lot of frazzled, but kinda muted thoughts that all felt drowned out by my complete and utter shame of who I was.
So when someone---who I won't name because this is completely nd absolutely not their fault---commented on one of my posts telling people to stop hiding under anon telling me that I was technically an anonymous account too, I dropped my mains.
guys. There was genuinely not an active thought happening in my mind when I did this. All that was happening in my brain was buzzing. There was no conscious decision made to leak my accounts as a cry for help, or as a gotcha, or to make you guys regret anything. None of that was going through my head at the moment because there was nothing happening in my head in that moment.
I forgot I had made my suicide post.
I just saw the comment, and kinda numbly thought "oh why the hell not I've given them everything already", before proceeding to make the worst decision of my life.
I am so, so sorry for the disgusting amount of pain and distraught I brought so many people with that mistake. There is no way I can turn it back, and no way I can possibly apologize in a way that makes up for it.
I did not intend to hurt as many people as I did and in the way that I did, but I ended up doing so much harm in this situation when all I wanted to do was good.
And for that, I completely, and sincerely, apologize.
I never meant to become another katsblr "incident". But because of all of my poor decision-making and shoddy rationale, I did, which brought about deafening consequences to all those included and/or affected.
I'm so sorry. To everyone. For putting you all through such a severe situation.
I never should have let things get this far in the first place.
Unfortunately, the timeline isn't done yet.
I don't want to delve into my private life, but there was an intervention. While my parents never learned of my plans, they did learn about how depressed I was feeling, and they ended up saving my life.
But, when I returned to quickly tell everyone I had worried that I was alive?
I saw something so stomach-turning and sickening it almost made me want to end my life all over again.
(^my post had been leaked. Instead of giving me any sort of respect and privacy, you leaked it. That sounds ironic, but please keep in mind that the post that started this whole thing was never intended to be a deep-dive on the jf situation, so no, I don't think I'm being hypocritical about privacy. This was just cruel. Why would you do that when I'm clearly not in the mental state to handle people scrutinizing that. What the hell man. Shame on you.)
(^So many awful, disgusting things happening here, too. One. @riris-heart . I've been keeping silent until now, but now I get to say it. I forgive everyone in this situation except you. I'm so sorry if that sounds harsh. But you acted so despicably and I just do not have that big enough of a heart to hold any sort of compassion for you. You suck. "V-ven! Voice kink!" Get a grip. This entire situation you showed none of the respect that everyone else tried to extend for me. At least I can acknowledge that for everyone else. I have nothing positive to say about you.
and @lafortezasboy. While I do forgive you and hold absolutely nothing against you, I do wish you would've been more firm in critiquing this action. It's awful. It's such a genuinely rotten thing to do. You cannot say something like this unless you're so desensitized to the person you harassed that you can't even consider that they're actually trying to kill themselves. Absolutely monstrous thing to do. And then the "let's get back on topic shall we" as though she's leisurely talking about shoping and got distracted instead of a gorey admission of suicide.
The last thing in this ss i want to address is the anonymous confessions. There's gonna be a lot of these I need to break down.
But for this one: I did not announce this publicly. You leaked my post without my consideration. That's not on me.)
(^ yeah, these screenshots are a bit out of order.
"Because in a suicidal mindset, nobody actually plans their---" ??? The hell do you know??
Theres this thing that happens with humans, I uh...forgot what it's called...oh, right. Being unique or something. Having unique individual experiences which influence their thoughts in actions, actually. Having such complex brains that it's hard to pinpoint mental health symptoms, actually.
!! Very, VERY STRONG TW HERE. GORE, GORE, SUICIDAL IDEATION AND INTRUSIVE THOUGHTS. PLEASE KEEP YOURSELVES SAFE. !!
I have planned every single suicide attempt I have made because that's how my brain works. It has nothing to do with my mindset or whatever dumb stuff this person just spewed.
I am meticulous in planning everything I do, including killing myself. I make sure things don't fail, I predict where things might go wrong, and I predict how I can react to that. Yes, I sometimes suck at that, as this situation has shown. But to dismiss my suicidal thoughts and attempt because "that's not how it works"??
I have SO many ideas prepped in my brain for how to kill myself.
Its not that I'm ready to at all times. They're intrusive thoughts. I subconsciously flit to the idea enough that it becomes second nature. It becomes fantasy. "What if I swallowed a bunch of safety pins until I choked on my blood and died?" "What if I stabbed myself in the heart with a knife?" "What if I violently ripped that door off of its hinges and repeatedly bashed my skull against it until my head implodes from the pure blunt force?" "What if I ate as many pills in that medicine cabinet as I could?" "What if I dug my fingers so deep into my neck I tore it to shreds?"
And now while those thoughts are already bad, they become infinitely worse when I become suicidal. Because now, I don't have time to reconsider my attempt. I have an easy access to a library of plans and methods. I just have to pick which one I'm feeling.
And even if it did end up being that I sobered myself up enough to draft a plan---so what?? That should be even *more* concerning that I'm aware of what I'm doing and I'm doing it anyways!
Someone is still at risk of suicide either way!
And I already addressed the whole public thing. That is entirely on you.
"It's to make us feel guilty" ... no comment, that's a disgusting thing to say)
(^^ idk who the person at the top is, but thank you. Seriously. Yes, that's how I am. Everything floods out of me, and I love and hate that all the same.
Oh and also riris-heart being such a stand-up citizen yet again.)
(^^ yeah I'm done about riri can she just shut up.
Once again, thank you to the other person who idk is for realizing that I never intended for it to have any reach.
"Self-inserting and victimizing" yeah okay buddy. I mean thanks for the rational thinking at the end, I guess?)
(^^ now this was just laughable. Someone actually stood up for me ((thank you. Seriously.)) and all of you couldn't even fathom it. Look at all the reaction emojis LOLL 😹😹 "wuhhh??? Cry for help ❓️❓️❓️"
And wow. Just a beautiful statement from riris yet again. You're so...right! Ugh, I should've seen it sooner. Making jokes about voice kinks while talking about suicide is a-ok!! But calling someone an a-word for bring cruel? Hmph! That's where I draw the line!!
No no, you're so right, riris. Being called an a-word was NOT okay. Everyone should be acting like adults. Mm hmm.
And then the fact that four people were like "yeah!! Let me pitch in: ‼️‼️‼️‼️"
Riiiiight okay. Cool cool cool.)
So yeah, I returned quietly because of all of this.
None of you guys were safe people to tell. You didn't make me feel safe to tell, so you cannot be mad that I didn't tell you sooner.
One last, minor thing to note: the fact that once I had made that message about being alive (which I was terrified to do, because I didn't know how anyone would react after seeing those dsc messages) someone immediately had to make a response post irritated me to no end.
I just tried to kill myself. For God's sake give me a moment instead of immediately taking the chance to say your piece.
And yeah. That's my timeline. Overall, it was an awful situation all around and I'm sorry for ever letting it get this far.
I want to dedicate some final apologies before I can finally, finally, put a close to this whole thing:
@hereagain4u . Once again, I'm so sorry for acting so cruel and betraying you like that. I'm sorry I let you down. I'm sorry I hurt you so much. I'm sorry you had to go through such terrible pain because of me. I'm so sorry.
@thepersonwhowantedtobefriendswitheveryone, sorry for making your stance feel invalid and like you were to blame when you weren't. I'm sorry for hurting you as well.
@nayloni . I'm sorry I put you in such a difficult position. I thought I had made my intentions clear and that I didn't want you to lose friends for my sake. It's now clear that I wasn't transparent about that at all, and for that, I'm sorry. I'm sorry I didn't make you feel safe. I'm sorry you felt like you had to pick a side. I'm sorry for all the pain I might've caused.
@nakylvr , @lafortezasboy , @katskisses , +@ anyone else I might've missed who also made a response. I'm sorry for sounding so harsh and devoid of emotions. I'm sorry for sounding and acting so unreasonable. I'm sorry for not backing down and most of all I'm sorry you all felt the need to be making statements like this in the first place. Truly, and sincerely, I apologize for the turmoil I put everyone through.
@ those who supported me, I'm sorry I wasn't always there. I'm sorry if I ever make you feel like our relationship only exists for me to vent. I'm sorry for being such a burden during this time. And I'm sorry for the awful amount of pain I put you all through as I went through this hell.
@ anyone who saw or had to experience the effects of my suicide post: I'm sorry. I'm sorry I put you through such a wretched pain. I'm sorry I scared you all. I'm sorry I made you feel guilty. I'm sorry for staying silent for so long. I'm sorry for slipping up. I'm sorry for ever letting it reach that point in the first place.
So yeah. That's all I got left in me. Sorry again for any typos or gibberish, I couldn't be bothered to revise such a long-winded post.
Additionally, if there's anything or anyone I forgot to apologize to/for, please feel free to let me know. I truly do want to make things right.
Ultimately, I think in this situation there are things to learn from both sides. We all got some things to work on. And while it's genuinely awful things ended up the way they did, we can at least gain a sliver of positivity from it: growth.
From me, it's a lesson in articulation, reflection, knowing when to back down and what your limits are, and learning how to manage emotions
From you guys, I think it's a lesson in escalation.
But yeah. Like many have already stated, we have to remember that everyone behind these accounts is human. We're all bound to mess up. And some, like me, more than others.
Just try to learn to give each other grace.
I don't know what my plans are moving forward from this, to be honest.
Cheers, everyone. Have wonderful days and stay safe, happy, and healthy.
