from the corners of my mind

23. trying to be more than that.

[fromthecornersofmymind]

the bed’s unmade. your thigh’s bleeding, again. the sun shines through the clouds like a long lost friend coming to say ‘hello’, and yet you tell her ‘go away’. you lay down, you count the scars that won’t dissipate, you want to shed this skin like a snake or like a doll too big for her clothes. 

your pillow’s gone flat. you should really stop shaking like that, stop crying it won’t change the fact you haven’t gotten up yet today.

get up anyway. feel the floor hurt your feet for no good reason, sit in the windowsill and see the world fall apart at your fingertips sliding the glass open. don’t jump. just feel. 

[fromthecornersofmymind]

to sober sadie, from a not-so-sober sadie;

tonight your card got declined trying to buy 2 sandwiches from the gas station. there’s supposed to be $200 in your checking account, but not really cause you fucked up.

you know you did but you were trying to get away with it. well, here are the consequences. you’ll eat them for dinner tonight. and it will be delicious; in the way that it’s satisfying to cut yourself, or breakup with someone you still love. the taste is so bitter and so sweet all the same. 

you knew what was coming. you even wanted it a little bit. but it stings after. you like that. it’s so malicious, and at the same time, i think this is what makes life. the torrential downpour of disaster that you dance in, because what’s left to do? 

why would i cry with the rain instead of laugh at it? you play with your own blood after you bleed. play with this. see where it drips. taste the iron of ideocracy and learn to like it. i have a feeling you’ll be drinking this lifestyle for a long time yet. 

but it’ll be okay. laugh at the pain, at the emptiness. make a spot for it to laugh with you. there’s nothing left to do other than that, isn’t there?  

[fromthecornersofmymind]

i keep my fist tight

my jaw taut my eyes wide

searching for the next thing to 

beat me up.

i want to beat it first 

i want the one up just one time

one punch before 

i’m sent back into the dirt

i’m always dirty always 

thirsty, i’d drink clean water 

except i can’t afford it

money has a chokehold on me

i just want to be free and know

what the moon’s middle name is

or what the gravel roads wish

they could’ve seen

i wish i could stop fighting 

and just be

i wish i could clean the world

and learn to be nice

but every day i grow mean and 

every night i want to put my fist

‘down and die’

[fromthecornersofmymind]

Hi there. I hate having to do this, but if anyone is able to help/has the time to look and share this, please do. My birthday present this year was a hospital visit and I could really, really use the help paying for it. If anyone is able to help in any way, I will thank you for the rest of my life. https://gofund.me/4a1a4468

[fromthecornersofmymind]

oh god, what is this. who am i.

here i am, throwing myself into fires, because i was cold. i was so cold, and now the way my skin scorches makes me feel like the sun. am i glowing? burning? my mouth is black with ash and you are still you. and we are still here. it’s like i wasn’t meant to be anywhere except at the heart of my own disaster. i like the way destruction is so warm and peels this life away from my bones. dying tastes like dreaming. who am i?

[fromthecornersofmymind]

mostly,

i’d just like a friend

to sit in the sun and

drink this coffee with me

they like extra cream

too, and

know how to finish

rolling the joint

when it fumbles

in my hands

[fromthecornersofmymind]

dreams of a summer stuck to my steering wheel i hold these warm nights in my pockets and your warm kisses in my back seat next to the pile of adolescence blowing out the window i’ll watch it float away from the rear view mirror reflecting your hand on my thigh your mouth in mine your window left open my legs left open and all the goodbyes we never said and all the love we left in

“the glovebox’

[fromthecornersofmymind]

lay me down

in the cracks of the asphalt 

i like it there, where the memories

of these streets can run over me

let them come and go and 

stumble upon my presence 

i like stirring up old hurt

like i was born to bleed

i love scraped knees and

boys who don’t love me

i like these streets filled with my misery

empty city i’ll fill your brokenness 

with my brokenness

and everything can stay gray

and hopeless

[fromthecornersofmymind]

my mother looks like my

birth mother who looks like

my sister who looks like the shadows of all my worst sides

they burn like vengeful fires of rage only women can know 

the rage of a mother not loving you, a rage on the underside

of my heart i turn it upside down and inside out to hide it 

don’t see me don’t see the hate i wield like a weapon don’t

hurt me again please don’t burn me again, i’ve burnt myself

too many times i’ve

cried all my lies i

can’t be the woman who wears her hate but i am nothing except the same

am i?

[fromthecornersofmymind]

does your xbox kiss you

like my lips do?

does your phone say i love you

before you drift to sleep?

does your cigarette make you

coffee in the morning?

does your feed look more pleasing

than my body does?

does it?

tell me,

am i still yours?

tell me,

which do you hold tighter?

our relationship,

or your objects?

[fromthecornersofmymind]

spend your twenties fixing your youth // dusting off memories you wanted to forget // unraveling the balled up hurt your mother tied a ribbon on as she kissed your cheek and hands you a paper bag of trauma // and some slices of an orange // enjoy your day of picking up rocks and scraping the worms off the bottom // eat up so you grow

“big and sad’

[fromthecornersofmymind]

do you think of me or

do you think i’m rotten

like i think i am

i should’ve thrown

myself out

so long ago, but 

i didn’t

and now i am bruised

and molding and

attracting fruit flies 

with blue eyes

that eat my deadness 

at least,

i’m good for something

[fromthecornersofmymind]

i want to eat the stars

like they beg me to

and taste the sky for

what it really is

instead of

what it tries to be

molding to the day,

and night,

as if i would like it

less, as if

the sun would run

away, or the moon

would ask someone else

to hold her

i want to peel away

the clouds and

reach my hand into

it’s vastneess

and feel

full

[fromthecornersofmymind]

i grieve you like.

you are dead

you are not, but

our love certainly is

isn’t it?

i write you messages

in my dreams and

send them off to the

universe,

before i go to sleep

i tuck my youth

under my pillow

i hope when i wake,

it’ll be alive, again

and you

will appear in the

white linens, and i

will be in heaven

[fromthecornersofmymind]

left,

is gone,

is my sheets

shoved into the corner

because i spent my nights

tossing thoughts of you

in my bed

instead of sleep

after all these years

and all my unwanted goodbyes

i have nightmares of

what it would be like if

you came back into my 

life

but i left and

you’re gone

and i’m a pillow case

full of love letters 

to you

[fromthecornersofmymind]

i think of you

most of the time

won’t you

for once

think of me 

too?

[fromthecornersofmymind]

sip your poison,

i’ll light up my 

disease

let’s pretend

we’re both fine

with smoke

still in our hands