Outwardly Inward.

Ongoingongoinon

[fuckpeerpressurethisisme]

[fuckpeerpressurethisisme]

It’s so hot here, all her windows open. And I find myself in the heat of it, running up the block and back. Tender intensity, it always gets the best of me. And I lost control there, breathing. It was four in the morning last I checked, and not the first time. I found blood on my body afterwards but she still said thank you. And I said, thank YOU. We got some sleep after that, even through the morning light we found some sleep after that.

[fuckpeerpressurethisisme]

That's so silly.

I thought you were so creative, and nownyoure just a copycat of me and mine.

[fuckpeerpressurethisisme]

You were wearing those clear plastic heels with lace socks, making you somewhat of a 90s stripper from the knees down.

And my brown plaid blazer seemed the best choice to finally seduce you.

You, supposedly making it obviously deductible since the day you first saw me, your affection.

And that may have been a part of it.

Since the day I first saw you, affection, and never love.

I'm told you have something of mine, something I can't get back.

And of that, your awareness is unlikely.

I have your blood on my hands.

Your blood on my white bedsheets.

And of that, my awareness is entire.

How hard it is to see your art paid off by your uninteresting lover, I hope you don't have to thank him for dinner. I never made you.

[fuckpeerpressurethisisme]

Earlier this evening I started writing something in my head before I knew I would be up so late.

Some sort of numbing and some sort of curing.

I am so confused lately. So confused.

[fuckpeerpressurethisisme]

To have the teacher of my integrity take a stab at it,

and then again and and again. 

“Thank you.” Fuck you. 

These crumbling ruins are building a different foundation than I thought. 

I am always learning as much as I am and I am always learning. 

[fuckpeerpressurethisisme]

[fuckpeerpressurethisisme]

[fuckpeerpressurethisisme]

No one to get dinner with

A damn shame,

Or time to myself.

I've had enough of that lately,

Or I should over think again.

No one to think with,

Or nothing to think.

[fuckpeerpressurethisisme]

I didn't say much,

I guess I just didn't have much to say.

I've been feeling lonely lately,

How silly of me.

[fuckpeerpressurethisisme]

There is nothing here for me.

And when I look,

There is nothing here for me, except that which is me.

And when I look,

this place has been prostituted.

And when I look,

It is empty all around me.

There is nothing here for me.

There is that which is me.

[fuckpeerpressurethisisme]

I saw you dancing.

In the light between the shadows,

In the shadows between the light,

I saw you dancing.

[fuckpeerpressurethisisme]

I'm trying to put myself together So I can see what I look like.

[fuckpeerpressurethisisme]

I realized something about why I feel about you,

I've had to much wine to remember what.

[fuckpeerpressurethisisme]

I have been falling asleep fully clothed,

Must have gotten used to someone taking them off for me.

[fuckpeerpressurethisisme]

One unread message, but I've already read it many times over.

[fuckpeerpressurethisisme]

She came over last night but got picked up by her roommate before we did much other than make out. Her roommate waited outside for 5 minutes while we just hugged each other. Eventually I said "good luck" and she said "you too." A few moments later I said "I'll see you when I see you." She agreed and walked out the door while I stood there with it open. Without looking back she said "thank you" which I repeated back. As I was closing the door she glanced at me and we caught eyes for less than half a second. That was probably the last time.