embracism

tumblr graduate 2012, part time practising alcoholic. i don't give a fuck about fuck. reblog my text posts = get blocked

[furse]

8 weeks later this nerd band guy and i still talk, on a daily basis. he's on tour sending me shit (probably to other girls too, i know) and i react with 🤣. he's my loyal story liker. i made him a spotify playlist with songs that were meant for my ex and i can tell he's been religiously listening to it because i found his lastfm profile. safe to say this is the closest to a situationship i've ever had.

[furse]

i spent 1 week alone in the woods eating bread and canned food i only came back home because my hair got too greasy and i didn't want to spend 3 euros on a coffee at the camping 2k away to charge my phone.

my biggest dream is still to own property somewhere VERY isolated and share that space with a dog or two, a cat would be welcome too. ugh, i fucking hate the city everything costs so much money.

[furse]

i hate when i ask a band for guestlist and they want to hang out... bro i just care about the music.... and the other bands that play after...

i said yes to meet this band for lunch initially because free food but now i regret agreeing to that because they are old (40s-50s??) and i don't fucking know them. i also didn't book accommodation for this so i will look like absolute garbage. i'm planning to wash my face and do my make up at mcdonalds.

[furse]

i love mondays. i go to the supermarket to get eggs and make a nice breakfast. new episode of euphoria. i read emails and answer some. then i do my 3 hour shift and because i'm the last one to leave the office i steal some beers. i get tipsy on my way home and agree to plans. i put on a nice outfit because i'm going to the fetish club in a bit with some punks i met a month ago. said outfit got me a fire emoji reaction from my favorite long distance situationship. living my best life.

[furse]

ugh i feel so insane, i'm obsessed with a guy i'm ghosting, again.

[furse]

niche neofolk collective that only performs live once every 10 years invited me to see them at the biggest goth festival in europe (maybe in the world?). somehow they were aware that i listen to them an awful lot lmfao

[furse]

realized that the reason i have sex is because when sex is lame i need to fuck someone new to unfuck the previous one. and sex is always bad which is why this will never end. men are really that trash and my pussy stuck in purgatory

[furse]

i feel like i should change my url now that the horrors mean nothing to me but i had this one for 15 years it's like i'm furse now... crazy to think i'll probably never see them live again because i don't go after men no matter what and they fucking blocked me lol i wasn't even following them at that point. they are so insane for that.

[furse]

so many may 1st parties in berlin but i chose to get drunk at home and listen to amazonian dungeon synth and i'm really happy about that because i got the confidence to answer some texts and even talked to (1) tinder match who lives in chicago.

[furse]

gahdamnnnn so many new records to listen to now that my depressive episode is over and i'm able to enjoy things. so overwhelming

[furse]

UGGHHHhgh

i'm crying and throwing up thinking about how i'm going to miss the birth of my nephew because i'm poor as fuck but i'm making my goal to bring my sister and her daughter next year to europe. i wish she would move here but a little visit is better than nothing. it saddens me so much how everything turned out. how we got separated. fuck immigration laws. and fuck my grandma for keeping her away from the only family that loves her.

i got to spend time with the few family members i consider good people these last week and it made me realize who and what matters. too bad they live somewhere in deep massachusetts.

and my brother lives in switzerland now, and i'm trying to organize a little surprise for my dad's birthday but his boss won't let him get a few days off. jesus christ i hate rich people. i just want to have 1 nice moment with everyone i love, together. it's just impossible. but i'm getting there, hopefully this german money can bring us closer.

[furse]

i'm going to use this platform just to be insane. the source of my insanity atm is this band i can't stop listening to. i fucking love their music, i haven't felt this way since the horrors. then i get a notification on my phone from one of their members i want to scream because it's absurd. i might let him hit if i'm bored enough when they go on tour later this year. that's the only scenario where i see myself having sex with a man again. i just like his bass tone but not in a groupie way, he is just the type of guy i would go for. unfortunately those are scarce in my scene and normally found in a basement playing video games so the fact he plays in my current favorite band is just a plus/red flag??? idek anymore i lost the plot ages ago!

[furse]

being an immigrant out of necessity is so fucking hard. i've been crying this morning a lot because i have a sister and we weren't raised together and we are basically strangers united by trauma and i'm missing my nephew's birth because i have no money and she couldn't move here because the law isn't on our side. anyway, i'm saving money to bring her to europe next year.... i need a lot of money because my parents live in spain, my brother in switzerland and i'm in germany, that's also the immigrant struggle, we just move to places since we can't really fit in anywhere. do not wish this on anyone,

[furse]

april-may 2026 the best time of my life i think, well after all the horrible shit i've been through in the last couple of years finally some light.

in two weeks i'm bringing my family to germany to celebrate my dad's birthday. it's the first time we will be reunited in years and it's the first time we will celebrate my dad the way he deserves. and it all started with extra money so everytime i hear someone say money doesn't buy happiness i'm going to wish them a slow painful death.

[kamenriderryukisurvivesworld]

[furse]

currently obsessed with a band and i didn't even fuck their bass player. i didn't even hung out with them i actually left the show in a rush because there were so many ugly smelly men. this bass player is ugly too. but he looked cute on stage and i didn't see his face so i can just customize him in my head. I FEEL SO INSANE FUCK.

[furse]

this aged so badly. bodycount updated.

[furse]

since i decided i don't want to date i have been using this insane coping mechanism of being in a relationship in my head. i call it imaginationship. i have done that since i'm a kid, it started with fictional characters then actors and musicians. i never really stopped just put it in the back of my head for the most time and only engaged with it when things got really bad. since my ex dumped me it's clear to me dating men is a waste of time and love so i have been creating so many scenarios to escape to when i feel lonely and one of them kinda happened and it's similar to when i slept w nik allbrook except we're cool and i was never obsessed with this person, it was just the whole band, that i couldn't stop listening to them and yeah it feels surreal, like i'm overwhelmed with joy but i'm so aware of how insane it is and i wish i was dead instead of being this huge weirdo. the band likes me though, but who gives a fuck. i'm hot and fun and i have friends and there is really nothing wrong with me besides my brain when it does shit like this. i tried everything to make it stop but it's either use my imagination and live in fantasy worlds or take hard drugs daily which leads to sex with randoms and that's not very feminist at all.