it genuinely pisses me off whenever my mom says that she’s concerned and that i’m starting to look like a skeleton (i do not btw, i look completely normal) because this is the same woman who told me this time last year that i should try losing some fat and going to the gym etc
like pick a side omfg it’s either too much or too little, what am i supposed to do??? and i’m happy with how i look right now mostly. it’s enough for me but apparently not healthy enough for everyone else although there are some areas that i could work on
and it’s not only her!! i never once thought of myself as anything but average until a friend made a comment when i was like 14 and we had non-uniform day but even then i considered it as a passing remark that came to mind every now and then
i lowkey only started skipping meals because of that and also because i didn’t want to take my mask off since it hid my face (the only good thing about going to school during covid) aandd because i may have just been generally insecure about eating but omg i seriously never took my mask off
i remember eating my packed lunch in a bathroom stall during break (how american) or just throwing it away in the bin actually where no one could see but i felt so guilty every time since i was still wasting money
every time my friends asked whether i was going to eat lunch or not, i just said that i was planning on eating later at home or that i wasn’t hungry and then after years of lying it became so accepted that no one would bat an eye anymore if i said i wasn’t eating
it just became the norm for me to not eat anything the whole day except dinner and for everyone to think that since i was used to it, i wouldn’t feel the same hunger as them and i would be fine without any food which was truthful to an extent
other than that it was just small things my family said tbh in a seemingly joking way but it was so cruel (i lowkey still cry thinking about it) and i started hating the way i looked in the mirror even more than usual and how all my clothes fit wrong and how every other girl just seemed so much more prettier in comparison (but!! i’ve successfully accepted that i’ll always be average and nothing special)
it wouldn’t be fair to blame anyone for my eating habits as of late since this is all my fault. i somehow convinced myself the only way i could be loved or valued as a person was if i looked a certain way and acted differently, and i’d be lying if i said i think differently now (i blame society)
i never used to really understand calories before last year and even if i skipped meals it never really changed my body as much as it has this past year after starting uni although i think my depression getting worse is probably to blame partially for that
it’s probably messed up to be sickeningly satisfied with being underweight and feeling somewhat happy with how i am even if it isn’t perfect because of course it’s going to have certain consequences but either way it’s my body and i couldn’t care less if the useless thing broke down anyway
the way i see it, if it can’t cope with being starved for a few days per month to get rid of the excess calories then maybe it deserves to struggle to function and i’ll deserve to be put through all the headaches and stomach pains
if somehow it leads to something that’ll kill me then there’s also no complaints there since that’s a win
i know that putting that much importance on your appearance is a messed up way to live and there’ll never be an end to it since there’ll always be something you or another person is unhappy with but this is what i’ve gotten used to and this is probably the only way i know how to live now
i can’t see food the same anymore without thinking about all the numbers that go into each portion and how much i’m actually consuming per day but i never really was big on food in the first place, i just used to be able to enjoy things without thinking about how it’ll eventually turn into an ugly roll of fat somewhere on my body
i think i’d die without nutritional values existing because now i need to know how much each thing is and i don’t actually think my brain can ever stop looking instinctively at the calories first and foremost anymore
i personally don’t think i’m at a point where i need intervention or recovery since there’s nothing to actually recover from except possibly a shift in mindset but i don’t know if i truly want that
i still think it’s nothing serious because i’m still in control of it all and it’s not like i can’t stop myself from getting better. if i really wanted to, i probably could so there’s nothing to really worry about
i’m just annoyed that i won’t ever be enough for anyone despite everything that i do and how i wouldn’t be enough for myself if i was “healthy” and if my body looked differently to how it is right now
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