A fangirl doctor in the making.

Getting through med school one anxiety attack at a time. 🙃

[futurefangirlmd]

03.31.24

I got caught. I failed and ruined my life. After all those years of suffering and fighting for my life and my future I finally ruined it. I shouldve ended it all years ago. I shouldn’t have forced myself to continue. I’m so tired of myself

[futurefangirlmd]

12.13.23

Thought I lost this account forever. Fucking hate my job really. Consultant from lasalle called me for update I was taken aback and was super shitty she even asked me where I graduated haha fucking sucks. I’m still ruining myself. I don’t wana get caught but fuck I’m doing so much. I wish I could stop but Idk how. I wanna quit this job altogether but I don’t know what else to do. I wish I could just win the fucking lottery. Please I really hate my life. Can a truck just fucking run me over.

[futurefangirlmd]

10.26.23

“Gagi hindi ka pumasa” ang lala pa din talaga when you hear it out loud hahaha. Ok po. Consultant called me about taking my written exam and how I’m already super delayed. I KNOW HAHA I JUST DONT WANT TO DO THIS ANYMORE. I’m seriously crying right now at work. Like seriously fucking hate this job but the pay is good and Idk how to fund my current lifestyle. Should I just sell everything, still have seventeen ticketing on nov 9. Planning to attend svt follow osaka and chanyeol’s fanmeet on december. How am I supposed to continue living like this if I don’t do good at my job. Fucking hell I hate my life.

[futurefangirlmd]

08.08.23

Life/Fandom update-ish. So siyempre di pa din ako nagaaral. Wala akong pambayad diyan sa annual convention. Namove ata ang rite? Di pa din ako naglolog. Gumastos ako ng 9k for dp ng fanmeet ticket sa jakarta only para di makapunta kasi tanga ako at di ko chineck yung sched ko kaya duty ako nun. Also wala din akong pera para tumuloy. Kakatapos lang ni Baekhyun maglive. He will be opening his own company pero he will still be with SM and exo? Idk. Haha sana totoo. Sana this is not another HS situation. Mej nakakapagod hehe. Kelan kaya ako makakawala sa ganto. Kelan kaya matatapos yung pagdepende ko sa mga taong di naman ako kilala para sa kasiyahan. Para di naman na ko nagddrama lagi at nalulubog sa utang. Pero tbh if walang ganto kasi idek what to do with my life. Like should I just live everyday ng ganun lang idk haha nakakapagod tbh.

[futurefangirlmd]

08.01.23

Naiiyak na ko. Ayoko na magtrabaho pero kailangan ko ng pera kasi andami kong utang tsaka gusto kong sumaya. Natatakot ako na di ko na talaga to matitigil tapos dadating yung oras na mahuhuli ako please ayoko. Baka magpakamatay ako. Hindi ko kaya. Lord I’m sorry. Please help me.

[futurefangirlmd]

07.16.23

Parang tanga. I gave so much nanaman for this comeback. Parang repeat lang ng MITAM. Purchasing every version. Spending so much money tapos masasaktan lang sa huli? Ano bang klaseng simulation to. Sa player ko sana naman pakiayos naman? Ang sakit na kasi talaga. Alam ko naman nakita ko sila this year pero idk I really thought this comeback would be better. I thought we’d get more promotions. I thought we’d fucking get that ep6 pero masama talaga na umasa no? I’ve spent all my time thinking about this stupid comeback tapos boto pa ko ng boto andami kong nagastos may pa ads pa si tanga see below lol only for them to not do a fucking encore. Mali talaga na inaasa mo yung kasiyahan mo sa mga taong di ka kilala no? Sa bagay na fleeting lang. Mahal na mahal ko exo, just like how much I loved arashi and one direction. But this feels like another heartbreak. I haven’t studied shit for rite and written. I haven’t logged my cases. I’ve spent 13 fucking thousand 500 for stupid fucking papers and more siguro if you’ll consider every other stupid fucking thing na binili ko for this comeback. I’m fucking swimming in debt 130k plus lol idek if I’ll be able to recover. I’m tired. Ang sakit sakit na talaga. Pero kasi iba yung saya. Idk. Pero lagi lang panandalian tapos ang sakit sakit after. Di ko na alam. Kelan at saan ba ko talaga makakahanap ng saya na di mawawala. Yung pang matagal. Yung walang sakit. Tangina ang drama pero legit nakakapagod na.

[futurefangirlmd]

07.21.23

See. Cream Soda got their first win. It’s gonna be ok. EXO is worth it. Kalmahan mo lang ha?

[futurefangirlmd]

07.16.23

Parang tanga. I gave so much nanaman for this comeback. Parang repeat lang ng MITAM. Purchasing every version. Spending so much money tapos masasaktan lang sa huli? Ano bang klaseng simulation to. Sa player ko sana naman pakiayos naman? Ang sakit na kasi talaga. Alam ko naman nakita ko sila this year pero idk I really thought this comeback would be better. I thought we’d get more promotions. I thought we’d fucking get that ep6 pero masama talaga na umasa no? I’ve spent all my time thinking about this stupid comeback tapos boto pa ko ng boto andami kong nagastos may pa ads pa si tanga see below lol only for them to not do a fucking encore. Mali talaga na inaasa mo yung kasiyahan mo sa mga taong di ka kilala no? Sa bagay na fleeting lang. Mahal na mahal ko exo, just like how much I loved arashi and one direction. But this feels like another heartbreak. I haven’t studied shit for rite and written. I haven’t logged my cases. I’ve spent 13 fucking thousand 500 for stupid fucking papers and more siguro if you’ll consider every other stupid fucking thing na binili ko for this comeback. I’m fucking swimming in debt 130k plus lol idek if I’ll be able to recover. I’m tired. Ang sakit sakit na talaga. Pero kasi iba yung saya. Idk. Pero lagi lang panandalian tapos ang sakit sakit after. Di ko na alam. Kelan at saan ba ko talaga makakahanap ng saya na di mawawala. Yung pang matagal. Yung walang sakit. Tangina ang drama pero legit nakakapagod na.

[futurefangirlmd]

06.07.23

I have so much things to do that I’m delaying but I suddenly miss residency? Like wtf? Maybe it’s the people? Maybe it’s doing things all at the same time that you don’t have time to think about anything. Or maybe it’s the toxicity of it all for years and then suddenly nothing. I just wanna feel things.

[futurefangirlmd]

06.04.23

I’m here currently in Laguna. Deployment but no duty. Thinking about my future. EXO CBX is suing SM and wants to terminate their contract. I’m so miserable because that comeback, that “exoplanet 6”, are the only things I’m looking forward to in life. Now I’m just living in constant fear that they might leave the group, that that comeback would never happen, that the group would just disband entirely. I don’t know why I keep depending my happiness on people I don’t know, on things I know are temporary. Idk. I’m just sad and scared of my future.

Oh and I’m not logging my cases lol and not studying. Ayoko na. Makakapagdiplomate kaya ako? Aabot ba ako dun?

[futurefangirlmd]

02.03.23

Deployment na. Duty ako bukas. And i actually finished residency? Haha the fuck. I have so much feelings rn. Problema ko yung fucking thoughts and feelings ko of doing something I shouldn’t. I’m so fucking tired of myself.

[futurefangirlmd]

06.15.22

Matatapos na 6th month last year ng residency, wala pa kong barash hour report, di ko pa nirerevise research ko at higit sa lahat wala pang aral for in service. Doing quarantine leave rn, sobrang unproductive. HELPPPP. I hate myself

[futurefangirlmd]

11.18.21

I quit residency for like three days and then I came back? Lol. I’m so dumb. I hate myself. Bat pa ba ko nabuhay??? Idek anymore

[futurefangirlmd]

10.27.2021

Hello. So it’s been 1 year since this letter. Haha. And i’m here to answer it. Hello. Oo. Nasa JR ka pa din. In the middle of a long ENT OR. Pang ilang sunod sunod mo nang long OR. Trying not to cry. Haha. Di ka nakapag inservice and nalaman mo na yung result. Nabibitter ka kasi di ka masaya para dun sa pumasa. Oo. Inaamin ko. Kasi gusto mo ikaw lang. gusto mo na pumasa ka din. Kahit di ka nagtake haha. Masaya ba ko? Uhmm. Ayun. Di masyado haha. Sorry. Sorry to disappoint you? Pagod na kasi ako. May m&m report pa ko sa friday. Magigisa. Mapapahiya. Haha. Goodluck sakin. Ayun. Dun sa voldie thing. Uhm. Nakamove on. Pero may bumabalik nanaman. Nagttry bumalik. Pero pinipigilan ko. Boy tulo eh. Hahaha. Ayun. Di ko alam. Pagod na kasi ako. Ayoko na talaga. Sana next year mas ok na?

Edit: Wala ka pa ding jowa. Hahahahahhaa 🥲

[futurefangirlmd]

10.11.21

It’s 4:36AM. Can’t sleep. First day back later sa trabaho. After nung AGE thing. After di nakapag inservice haha. Sana kaya pa?

Honestly kasi ayoko na.

[futurefangirlmd]

2.13.2021

February na agad?? In a few days march na and allowed na kami lahat magneuro. Second year na ko. Last year I really thought that I’ll be quiting na for good. But I’m still here. Feeling empty but still going. Still hung up over someone who doesn’t deserve me. Pinilili pa din masaktan. Di pa din mahal yung sarili enough para lumayo sa mga bagay na alam niyang di makakabuti sa kanya. Umiyak nanaman siya ngayon. Haist. I wish things would be better in the future. Sana makahanap ka ng tao na magpaparealize sayo na you matter and you deserve the world.

[futurefangirlmd]

9.1.2021

September na siz. Ano na. I feel like shit. Lapit na inservice pero wala pa nangyayari. May report pa ko sa 24. Duty pa ko mamaya. Namatayan nanaman ako ng pasyente tapos parang ako talaga yung sinisisi. Ano na ba. Ok pa ba? Tutuloy pa ba tayo? Also shuta. Hanggang ngayon. Tigilan mo na siya please.

[futurefangirlmd]

2.13.2021

February na agad?? In a few days march na and allowed na kami lahat magneuro. Second year na ko. Last year I really thought that I’ll be quiting na for good. But I’m still here. Feeling empty but still going. Still hung up over someone who doesn’t deserve me. Pinilili pa din masaktan. Di pa din mahal yung sarili enough para lumayo sa mga bagay na alam niyang di makakabuti sa kanya. Umiyak nanaman siya ngayon. Haist. I wish things would be better in the future. Sana makahanap ka ng tao na magpaparealize sayo na you matter and you deserve the world.

[futurefangirlmd]

12.31.2020

This might be the hardest year of my life so far. Or maybe everyone’s too. Today also marks Arashi’s last day before they go on a hiatus. 12 years. It was fun while it lasted. I loved them so much. They helped me get through so much things in my life. But some things really has to end. This feels like a breakup. My heart aches. Duty pa ko bukas. Sana maging ok ako. Two duties nalang second year na ko. Haist. Laban lang self