I miss him. I miss him everyday. I keep expecting it to get easier but I find new memories to mull over. There are still mornings I wake up and search for him. I would constantly reach out my hand or foot just to find comfort in him being by my side. That’s the thing, he was always by my side. He was my best friend and he never even knew how much I appreciated that. I would go to him with everything, and he was always there. I could call him at 4 in the morning to come and help me and he wouldn’t even hesitate.
The break up was painful and messy. The more I think about it the reason it happened becomes more hazy. I know he thinks one thing and I think another, but I wish there would have been at least a solid reason, I almost wish one of us had been unfaithful or hurt the other but it was an accumulation of things we just didn’t seem able to fix.
The image I have most vividly is moving out the apartment and leaving him there outside with all of his belongings. I can’t tell you how many times I’ve cried over this image. I feel like I let him down and it was one of the most painful things I’ve ever been through. I wish things had turned out differently and I hope so much that he is happy, if not happy then at least not hurting and sad. I keep waiting to stop hurting but it doesn’t seem to want to pass. Not a day goes by where I don’t think of everything we had.
Time has a way of reminding you of the good things, the bad times start to fade. Believe me, there were times which were ugly, but when I think back now I see him waiting with a cake at the door late at night when I return home from work, skipping to me at the airport whenever I hadn’t seen him in a while, his face every time I took too long in the bathroom. I can still feel the tight cuddles he would give me before sleeping, it’s funny, before him I didn’t like anyone touching me, and I didn’t realise that I’d become so dependant on him holding me to sleep. I hear him saying my nicknames and teaching me little words in his language.
I love him, I think I will always love him. I hope one day I’ll be able to love someone else like I love him and I pray that he finds someone worthy of his love. He is the kindest and most incredible person I know and I’m so lucky to have been loved so deeply by such a beautiful soul.
I guess this post is a way of me trying to find a way to finally heal, I’m not there yet but I’m learning to feel and experience everything, the good and the bad, not pretending or fooling myself otherwise. I just didn’t expect to feel like this for so long.
My love always, your Matty
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