Dare You To Move @g3rasaur - Tumblr Blog

dundermifflinscranton

earthdad

everyone in 2016

esoteric-law89-deactivated20241

Everyone in 2020

4.1.20 0635

What a terrible night. Cried myself to "sleep." Couldn't get comfortable at all which only worsened my anxiety. Meds did nothing.

Torn between going back to work early and exposing myself to covid19 while being anxious/depressed but keeping busy then isolating myself from visiting my elderly parents/baby nephew or finish out my 2 weeks of planned PTO being restless/anxious/depressed at home.

Basically not sure where my mental health would be more stable.

The psychiatrist I wanted to schedule an appointment with never called me back and my first therapy session (which is separate) was just cancelled. So that's how my life is going.

International trip cancelled AND every business is shutting down. I swear I am going to go fucking crazy.

g3rasaur

A friend invited a bunch of us to Mammoth for the weekend. Thought I'd join them to GTFO of here. Decided to drive up solo since my sleep pattern is weird. Got to condo only to find out we're all sleeping in one room with bunk beds.

How am I supposed to cry myself to sleep?

g3rasaur

Update: I slept for 4 hours and have been awake for last 2ish hours. Woke up with anxiety couldn't go back to sleep. Also snoring boys. This condo is pretty full and there's no where for me to go so I went outside and started pacing. Kinda at a point of anxiety where I just might pack up my stuff and leave.

A friend invited a bunch of us to Mammoth for the weekend. Thought I'd join them to GTFO of here. Decided to drive up solo since my sleep pattern is weird. Got to condo only to find out we're all sleeping in one room with bunk beds.

How am I supposed to cry myself to sleep?

So fucking irritated my trip was cancelled because fuck this coronavirus. All I wanted to do was get the fuck out of here. Honestly at the point where if I get it, I get it. FML.

My new favorite thing is going to work and meeting patients who have diagnoses I can relate to and then reassure them knowing deep down I feel like trash.

So far over the last month I've had

-two patients dealing with "Broken Heart syndrome”

-one actively having a heart attack

-a withdrawing ETOH abuse patient who only relapsed because of so much anxiety

-a patient with so much pain that I almost said "pain is temporary" while carrying this physically heaviness on my heart

Worked 12 hours Monday night

Towards the end of the shift the "grandma" of the unit came to me and asked how much weight I lost

Told her the first 5lbs were intentional but the rest was not

She asked how I felt "health wise" but with her Bulgarian accent I couldn't tell if she said "heart wise" or head wise"

Her voice cracked as she told me she misses the old me

I didn't want to hear it and immediately started tearing up

She tried hug me while she cried and I wouldn't let her because I knew I would completely fall apart

I miss the old me too and I can't fucking bring myself to magically go back to who I was

I don't know if I ever will

Makes my heart ache even more knowing I'm making others hurt

Tried to sleep Tuesday morning but woke up every 2 hours

Worked another 12 hours Tuesday night

Spent half the shift with a heaviness in my heart

Had the worst trigger and bawled on my way home this morning

Ended up doing a very strenous hike for 4 hours to get the anxiety out because I was literally shaking

The hike exaggerated my anger, depression and anxiety

Teared up on the way down

Cried in the shower and wanted to smash the glass panel

Ate

Spent less than 1 minute trying to finally catch up on sleep only realize this anxiety won't disappear

Cancelled my request to pick up an extra shift tonight

Took a Xanax and now here I am. Still very anxious but trying to journal it out.

I fucking hate everything right now

In the last month I've...

Had my heart broken and have still been crying everyday since then

Had my flight to Asia cancelled because fuck the coronavirus

Twisted my ankle while hiking and trying to clear my mind

1 death in the family, 1 death of a friend's mother

Worsened my anxiety and had to be on meds

AND just now had my returning flight from San Jose back to home was cancelled while I was going through TSA

I'm honestly such a fucking mess. My life is a fucking mess. As a practicing spiritual person, I've repeatedly been told have faith, trust the process, things will get better. I don't want to have doubts but lately my life has been such fucking shit. I'm so fucking done with everything. I feel like I can't talk to my friends anymore because as supportive as they've been, I know it's becoming a burden. Despite everything I still want to talk to and vent to the one I thought was my person and that makes me feel fucking stupid too. My coworker told me she saw a therapist was basically told to journal.

I don't know what I'm supposed to do with this. I'm just fucking tired of all this bullshit.

Fuck. My. Life.

anxietyproblem

megsandbacxn

tik tok & tumblr

I just spent the last 20 min obsessively looking for my chapstick because that would've 100% thrown my anxiety overboard.

Being heartbroken is so exhausting and taking so much out of me and I wish it could just stop. I'm so exhausted but I can't sleep. I can't sleep because I'm so depressed or upset, or angry, or broken, or angry, and my feelings go through so many cycles. And in my mind I'm saying so many mean things to myself trying to get myself to stop because I overthink I imagine scenarios and I catch myself developing false hope and I can't handle it. I go through these phases where sometimes my feelings are so intense I'm physically shaking because being still encourages my mind to keep going. So I go for walks I go out I become active and that only tires me out even more. I don't know what to do with myself. Everyone has said it takes time but I don't know how to fix it and I just want the pain to stop.

Someone encouraged me to journal but I don't know if this will help. I kinda just feel stupid.