Online Interview Thing - Part 1: The Self
What's your name -- and is there a name you'd rather go by?
“my name is Gabrill Ecco Emoa. Yes it's pronounced Gay-Bril, not Gabriel. Im fine with people calling me Gabe if that's an issue.”
How old are you? How do you feel about it?
“Im in my thirties. I'm... happy? I guess? Im alive.”
What fills most of your days?
“Watching TV mostly. Sometimes I knit or play mah-jong online at the same time.”
What do people usually get wrong about you when they first meet you?
“They think I'm a violent animal of some kind. I understand that they are scared of my parasite but I'm still a human person just like they are.”
When you walk into a room full of people, what's going through your head?
“It depends... If I made my way in discreetly enough not to be noticed I'd probably go about my normal train of thoughts but if I'm noticed... well usually people don't hide their discomfort and judgement from my presence so it's hard for me not to think about what they probably think about me...”
What do you believe to be true about people, generally?
“I try not to generalise people...”
What's the last thing that made you genuinely laugh?
“I... I don't know... It's been a while...”
What do you want right now, the thing you'd say out loud if someone asked?
What do you actually need? Not just desire, but need.
“I worry I might lose my body to the parasite again.”
What do you do when you're really, truly alone?
“I'm already pretty much always alone... So my daily routine I guess...”
What do you think your face does when you're trying not to react?
“Having to deal with the agency I've learn how to not show my emotion when needed. Unless my feelings are extreme I think I can do a fairly good job at not showing any reaction on my face.”
What are you most proud of? Do you talk about it?
“I don't have anything to be proud of... not yet.”
What are you running from -- or toward?
“I'm not running. I'm not moving even...”
When something goes wrong, what do you tell yourself?
“Either the agency will fix it or they are the one who caused it... that's how it is usually...”
What's something you've never said out loud to anyone?
“Probably a lot of things... I can't say I talk much these days... I still try but it's not easy...”
What's something you're still figuring out?
“Where I fit in I suppose? Like... Yes there are spaces that welcome "freaks and weirdos" but even there... Look, plenty of people have crazy fantasies and that's cool, but someone these people just... I'm one of those people fantasy that until now was only an "in fiction" thing and the second those alien dream fantasy are manifest in front of them I'm not longer a "weirdo part of the freak community", I'm just a tool to achieve their fantasy... I know it's not everyone who's like that it's just. Even in those group for outcast I'm pushed to the side for being too weird and the few that do get close to me do end up doing so only to fulfil something of theirs... Then again I've only tried joining these type of communities 3 times, but when you get burned each time it doesn't make you want to try again. Of course I tried other more "normal" support groups like LGBT groups but I can't exactly talk about my parasite struggles there as it's just... not really... I don't know... I can't even talk about how disabling the parasite can be to me because as far as people are concerned I have all my limbs and senses with extra ones on top. They see me as some extra-abled ungrateful whiny bitch. The don't see how the parts where I can't regulate my body temperature properly any more, they don't see how fast I get tired compared to most people, they don't see how overwhelming those "extra cool senses can get", how hard it even was to adjust and control that foreign body that made its home inside myself, how much I fought and suffered to get my body back... Sorry... I think I went a bit off-topic there... It's just... Never mind...”
Is there a version of your life you gave up on? What happened to it?
“I wanted to be a surfer or a beach lifeguard. U used to work at a pool as a cleaner, on my way to climb the rank you get my lifeguard certificate there and use those recommendation once I move to the coast... Then the parasite got me...”
What do you want your life to look like in ten years -- and do you believe it's possible?
“I just want to be free to walk around, travel, visit the beach maybe. Dr.Astric said the agency was working on a breakthrough that would allow me and other host to get back some freedom so maybe it's doable...”