Gon and Killua’s reconciliation
There are fears about an “irreparable” damage to Gon and Killua’s relationship, that Gon should apologise properly… Apology is part of a bigger picture - Killua and Gon’s storyline of Reconciliation. This storyline is positive, well-written and deeply emotional, and I’d LOVE to share observations with you.
Self-Destruction Drama with Gon happened before:
It was Killua who exposed and criticized Gon’s fatal flow. Killua tells to Wing-san: - He says that all he wants is to fight against Hisoka, but after seeing his match yesterday, I have a feeling he enjoys the thrills… […] I know because I’ve felt the same way. […] Once he’s in the zone, he loses sight of everything else.
When Killua removed the needle, he himself got carried away right before the Palace invasion.
So, Killua understood Gon’s attraction to danger in addition to many other risks. But in the battle he was hurt and pushed away. Now he is completely out of it.
In the hospital, Killua’s resentment speaks volumes about his confidence. He is reminded about Gon’s issues, feels deeply hurt and mistreated. He tries to console himself with the idea that things are “the same as always”… yet he realises that it’s time to speak with Gon honestly and change things.
But now he can’t.
He’s looking through the window and can’t make out the details. His mind sees only a shadow of Gon. Killua lost connection with Gon.
“If you want to know a person, find out what makes them angry.” - Gon
“I’ll do it…!! But… only this time I don’t forgive you. Apologise. I will definitely make you feel better again. So I’ll definitely make you apologise!!!!” - Killua
Killua’s emotional responce is more subtle and multilayered, than it is perceived by general audiences. Killua is torn between hurt, affection and fear. He is calling out to Gon TO BE HEARD BEHIND THE GLASS. To bind Gon’s soul to the Earth. Wake up. You owe me an apology. You cannot die and leave me feeling bad about you. I promise I will definitely heal you, and we will be all right again.
Of course, Gon will apologise. Killua knows that, that’s why he is clinging to this hope. It is kind of unhealthy, since he desires to “hurt” and heal Gon at the same time, but he’s processing grief. It is realistic. Someone dear is dying, and you can’t talk or see each other. He wants to give Gon a second chance, but that may not happen.
His yelling is accidentally witnessed by Knov, who hides his sadness and sympathy behind glasses.
Knov correctly understands the boy’s anguish as an expression of love and care. He offers moral support, even adding: “Being by Gon’s side and calling out to him is also necessary”. By venting his feelings Killua gathers strength and uses grief to his benefit, his dark resolve mirroring Gon’s:
It is humiliating to come back and ask a family for help. But now Killua finds the courage to face his “worst enemy”. He is successfully manipulates everybody to escape with Alluka. He survives a car chase, a deadly hunt and whatnot to reach Gon on time. His behavior is borderline crazy. “I’ll do whatever it takes to protect Gon” is exactly what happens in the Election arc.
If we see it from Gon’s perspective, Killua had every right to feel hurt and leave him forever. Especially when Killua reunited with Alluka and found a new life purpose. Especially, because Killua had to risk his and Alluka’s lives to travel back to the hospital instead of wandering into the sunset. Killua would live with Alluka from now on and benefit nothing from saving Gon. Killua had “nothing” to do with Gon anymore.
And yet, Killua doesn’t think the same! On the contrary, his fight for Gon in every chapter proves how strong his bond with Gon is. It is not irreparable, it is unbreakable.
Gon rescue mission somewhat parallels Killua rescue mission in the Zoldyck family arc. Gon always believed in Killua, even when Killua “betrayed” and “left” him at the Hunter exam and couldn’t verbally justify his actions. Gon relied on his intuition and knowledge of Killua’s character to understand his mental condition and come back for him. Now that Gon is silent, Killua is doing the same, he’s willing to save him from the darkness and fix the damage. His understanding, trust and care for Gon are mutually strong.
“If there is one person in the world, even if it is only one person, as long as someone believes in you, then you will be saved” - Ging.
It is further implied, that Killua lets go of his hard feelings towards Gon by the hospital bed. Killua makes a wish: “My friend is here. Sick in bed. I want to… make him feel better again. […] So please… Nanika… return Gon back to normal…!” Then the following happens.
Killua is no longer isolated. He sees and touches Gon for the first time in ages. Gon’s hand is relaxed - mentally, he’s dead, clings to life no more.
Killua asks Nanika AGAIN to heal him, although she ALREADY HEARD his wish, she KNOWS what to do, and she ASKED FOR A HAND. Why?
The nature of the wish changes. Now it’s not a wish, it is a plea from the heart. It is something like “I am not saving you because you owe me an apology. I want to heal you because you are suffering.”
He wants to heal Gon for Gon. It is a voice of unconditional love. The theme of unconditional love is brought up throughout both CAA and the Election arcs.
If restrictions upon Gon are similar to curses, Nanika’s healing power is similar to a blessing. It’s a reference to “laying on of hands” - a religious practice in healing service. It was associated with Christ healing the sick.
Nanika repairs Killua’s connection with Gon and lifts the curse.
In addition to religious themes of compassion, mercy, blessing and rebirth (which are plentiful in this story), Killua and Nanika grant Gon a “clean slate”: he gets a second chance to learn from his past mistakes and grow into a better and happier person.
It is sadly ironic that Gon’s hospital room, where he was supposed to apologise to Killua for pushing him away, is where Killua apologises for pushing Nanika away.
Apology in reverse might have been intentional. Killua and Gon are two sides of the same coin and strive to become better people while having similar flaws. This scene shows siblings who cut the last toxic ties with their family. But Killua also understands the bond between Nanika and Alluka: they are like twins and should be treated equally. Alluka is a dual personality: she’s a human and a spirit, a girl and a boy, a demon and a saint. But she has always lived in harmony with herself. The wisdom is simple: love as a whole. Alluka removed a huge burden from Killua by teaching him to accept both light and darkness in himself and other people. Now, both Gon and Killua are healed.
Coming back to the apology topic, let’s assume, that it has three ideas: 1. Killua’s boost in self-respect 2. Gon must change 3. Gon’s terrible issues posed a challenge to their friendship, and Killua overcame this challenge. He has absolute faith in future Gon.
And the most romantic thing ever: Gon justifies his faith the moment he wakes up. He is eager to clean his mess and the first thing he can do is to help Leorio. Upon facing his father, Gon is so ashamed, he weeps like a baby and apologises in any way he can.
But, he was actually looking for Killua, but nobody told him his whereabouts and instead encouraged him to meet Leorio. This becomes evident from the dialogue with Leorio - as soon as Gon is alone with a friend, his smile vanishes:
His shame is fueled by a crystal clear memory of what he said. He hurt Killua consciously. He’s afraid that Killua left him forever, and doubts Leorio’s words. Gon seems even more uneasy at the thought of Killua trying to save such a worthless friend as him, who “should be the one who’s dead”.
Apology for this incident means to Gon more, than it means to Killua. Gon’s remorse and eagerness to apologise first, without Killua asking, are relieving and absolutely beautiful.
But, in the end, it is implied that Gon failed to apologise properly during the offscreen reunion. Reasons are unknown, but we can suggest a few. They didn’t have privacy like before because of Alluka. And it was Killua’s happiness that blocked Gon’s attempts to talk, and kindness that made Gon realise he was already forgiven. Gon probably still cried and said he was sorry, but not more than that - evidently, Killua decided to spend their last days together happily and postponed that matter, along with Alluka’s secret, until the final minutes of the farewell. Above all, there may be another reason. Ging told his son on the same day:
“When apologising to a friend, there is a rule. You promise to do things differently next time. And you keep that promise, no matter what.”
Gon cannot apologise to Killua because he is afraid to break the promise to do differently next time.
And… “Gon isn’t the type to break the promise twice” - Killua
Killua says it to Wing in the early days of their friendship, and he bumps into the same wall later:
This firm trait of Gon is not an excuse for Killua anymore, though…
“Gon, you are BAAAKA”. Oil on canvas.
Their sweet chatter contrasts with the Serious Adult Apology conversation between Gon and Kite in the same episode:
With Kite he openly voices his remorse and thanks those, who saved him, especially Killua. In both manga and anime he speaks Killua’s name first and takes a pause before continuing: - But I wouldn’t be here now without help from Killua… and everyone else. I didn’t make it here by myself.
Kite: - It appears that we both needed more training.
Gon promises to do differently next time, since training is something he can easily do (which… turns out impossible without nen).
So, Gon treats Killua differently from Kite and Ging, because he finds it harder to apologise to him and even harder to make a promise. But in this “family circle” Killua loves Gon the most and so he demands from him the least.
(2nd place comment was discussed thoroughly before. I’d like to highlight that Killua loves Alluka and Gon equally (“I’ll save both Alluka and Gon!” is one of many examples), these are just two different kinds of love. It is not a love ranking, but the ranking by priority. From Togashi’s POV, family first. And the place next to Killua’s sister, his own flesh and blood, is like 1st place, it is a shiny silver Olympic medal.
Gon is forgiven and grateful for that, but he cannot forgive himself and feels vulnerable. Even if he did make a promise offscreen, he needs time to fulfill this promise. Apology is not enough. He needs to change. Back on the Whale Island Gon comments on Ging’s fatherhood skills: “I probably wasn’t made to be a son either”. Seems like he could easily add: “and I wasn’t a good friend”. And yet, Gon is already changing! He is learning self-reflection and evaluates people he met wisely.
How Gon finds redemption, is up for debate. But darkness is a part of him, he should accept and tame it. His moral compass is not okay. He was reborn physically, but not mentally: he didn’t expect to be healed, self-destructive tendencies didn’t disappear. If Gon ever regains nen, it will happen naturally as a reward for spiritual enlightment. His power will be rooted in self-love and a balance of light and darkness.
And there, at the end of this grand spiritual journey, he will reconcile with Killua as a better, happier person like Killua wished him to be. But, most importantly, he will reconcile with himself.
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Thanks if you read it until the end! Togashi’s mind is a mystery, alternative povs are welcome. All I can do to is to wonder through the fog and thank those who encouraged me, but I poured all my heart into this and I can live life with no regrets, haha.
