The Wanderer

Donna Cairns Twenty-nine. Sarcastic. Up for some fun. I really fucked it up this time, didn't I my dear? I'm not your average school-teacher. I left that life behind for a darker yet more glamorous one - and yes, that an American accent you hear, I've been told it's fading. Life equals running and when we stop running maybe that's how we'll know life is finally finished. I run because I am afraid. I stay away because I am afraid of the changes I have to come back to.

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"And crossing the line into careful when it counts," Seb says, unable to take the tone of hope out of his voice as much as he wanted to. He knew that Donna would always be careful when it came to their son, but with herself was another story entirely. But then again, they were both like that. Willing to throw their lives away for the things that really mattered. Soldiers, but for different causes. 

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She nods and smiles distractedly at him when Demetri returns. He is carrying his colours with a big smile on his face as he brings them over to Sebastian. Donna kisses the top of his head, and ruffles his hair as she tells him that she's going out for an hour or two and that his daddy will take care of him. "You have my number, Sebastian. Give me a ring if you need anything." She doesn't think that anything will happen, Sebastian is good with his son, but he was asking her to be cautious, wasn't he?

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"Just making sure," Seb says, huffing out a laugh, but still looking at her carefully. He’s glad that she’s not being as reckless as she used to be, and the fact that she’s changed a bit since having Demetri makes him feel a little better. He raises an eyebrow at her though, unabashedly giving her a disbelieving look. “Sure," he says, smirking at his own dry tone. “Always careful."  

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Always may have been an exaggeration - because what was life without a little risk? - but she never put their son in any harm and she always made sure she was there to put him to sleep. "Always verging on careful," she amended, because his smug smirk would drive her insane if she had to look at it for any longer. She wouldn't mind if Demetri picked up every single one of his father's traits so long as he didn't pick that one up. 

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"You’re welcome," Seb nods, his tone softer than it usually is when he talks to her. He nods, taking in her instructions, trying not to show how excited he was that he could get the day alone with Demitri. He eyes Donna, wondering where she was going, and not quite sure whether or not he should ask. “You’re not doing anything stupid, right?" he asks quietly, glad that Dimitri wasn’t in the room for the moment. 

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Donna smiles thinly, "I'm not doing anything stupid," she assures him acidly. "I have a child now, I can't afford to." The bitter part of her tells her that he would like it if she did something stupid so that he could have Demetri full time, but she knows that Sebastian isn't like that. "I'm careful now." Careful as she could bear to be, at least. She couldn't live life without a little risk. 

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"No, no I’m free until tonight," Seb says, remembering that Jim was supposed to be home tonight and he definitely wanted to be there when he arrived. He hadn’t seen him in almost a week. He looks at Donna wondering what kind of job interview it was. Definitely not teaching again. Assassin work? Undercover work, maybe? “I’d love to stay," he says honestly deciding not to push her for details if she didn’t want to give them. “Is there anything I should know before you go?"

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She's grateful. She trusts the person she leaves him with, but she isn't family and Demetri should spend time with his father now that he's back in London. "Thank you," she says softly, letting some of her gratitude bleed into the words. She doesn't say any more about the job, just gathers up her bag and jacket and slips her feet into her boots to go, though she wouldn't leave without saying bye to  her son. "Just make sure he has something to eat regularly, every hour or so. Nothing big, just a snack - and make sure he drinks something, he doesn't like to drink much but he needs to." She leaves it at that, Sebastian has a child at home, he knows how to take care of them.

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"Thanks," Seb says genuinely, taking the picture from Demetri when he hands it to him, careful not to crumple it or anything. He looks at Donna, making it sure it was actually okay and she wasn’t just saying that, satisfied with what he sees. He looks at Demetri, eager to watch him draw, or eager to watch him do anything really. “Do you want to show me how you draw?"

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Donna glances at her watch, bites her lip. She's supposed to be meeting someone to sort out a job for herself now that she's back in London. "Are you working today?" she asks Sebastian when Demetri scampers off to find his colours and sheets of paper. "I should be leaving for an interview soon, that's all. If you like he can spend the day with you. He's good, you know." She hates not staying with Demetri but he can't go where she's going. Not a chance.

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“Happiness is the secret to all beauty; there is no beauty that is attractive without happiness.”

- Christian Dior

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"Is that so?" Seb asks, amused, looking at Donna, trying to read her. Her gaze is away from him though, so he can’t tell what she’s thinking, not like he ever had a clue even when she was staring right at him. “I don’t know if I could take something from your mum though. How about you show me how you draw and I can have that? Is that okay?"

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"Oh you can take it," Donna tells him, and her eyes meet his for a split second. She doesn't really mind, this picture is just the latest tiger picture Demetri has drawn, she has a folder full of them upstairs and the fridge is covered with them. "But you can get your colours if you want to draw some more for your daddy," she adds. Sebastian should see how engrossed he gets when he's drawing, how his little face stays in a mask of concentration for absurdly long lengths of time. It's the only time he sits still.

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"I think I’ll be the judge of that," Seb murmurs, just as vicious as her, smiling when he sees Demetri come in again. He plops down on Donna’s lap, thrusting the picture forward somewhat breathlessly. It’s almost indistinguishable to know that it’s a cat, but the ground is green, and there’s orange and black around a circle so he really can’t help but he impressed. “Demetri, you never told me you were an artist," he says seriously, meeting Donna’s stare for a moment before flicking his gaze back to Demetri. “It’s lovely. You did this all by yourself?"

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She finds it hard to believe that only the night before they had spent the night, or some of it, together. How typical of their relationship. She wraps her arms around Demetri's waist, holding him firmly in her lap despite his squirming and excited kicking. "I did it all by myself!" he says, beaming proudly. He's delighted that his daddy likes his drawing, it makes him feel very, very happy. "Mummy has it hanging up in her room, she says she loves it loads and loads. But she wouldn't mind you having it since you like tigers! I can draw her another one!" Donna keeps her expression neutral, and her eyes pointedly away from Sebastian. She could feel his eyes on her.

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"I can give him whatever he wants," Seb says petulantly, and them stops and actually looks at her to hear what she’s saying. His expression clouds and he sets his jaw, trying not to think of all the time he’d missed with him because he hadn’t looked hard enough because he’d been too busy with Jim and Pia, not that he could really be blamed. “You took him away from me, Donna. I’m just trying to fix it."

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Of course it's all her fault. Donna hadn't thought clearly when Demetri had gotten sick, she'd fled to America acting purely on instinct. "You don't need to fix anything," she hisses, and her voice is quieter because she hears the pattering of Demetri running down the stairs. She wrenches her glare from Sebastian, turns to Demetri with a soft smile. "Come on, love. Sit on my knee and show your daddy. See all the bright colours?" She turns to Sebastian with a hard stare. The page seems to be just orange and black, and the vague circle of what could be a cat. 

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Seb rolls his eyes, shrugging. “Donna, it’s fine. He’ll forget about it, and if not then I’ll bring him when he’s older," he says, looking at her. But he can’t blame her, though he’d never admit it. “Tigers are practically extinct and they don’t go near people in the wild unless they’re shot at. They’re too scared."

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She doesn't think he understands quite how insistent their son is, and that's more her fault than his, so she feels as though she can do nothing but let it slide. "Don't promise him things you can give him," she just asks, and her voice is weaker and more emotional than she ever wants it to be, but Demetri's her baby and she can't help it. "I don't just mean the damn tigers. He thinks your perfect, wants to be just like his daddy. Don't hurt him, Sebastian." 

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Seb doesn’t move his leg away, just smirks at her triumphantly, and nods at Demetri. “Someday. If your mum says it’s okay," he adds quickly, not wanting to usurp Donna’s power. He doesn’t know what kind of system of discipline they have but he assumes it’s pretty lax considering how good Demetri usually is. 

"I’d love to see it," Seb agrees, nodding at Demetri encouragingly, smiling at him when he scampers off to go find it.

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She watches him go and, the moment he's out of earshot, she turns to Sebastian. "You can't just say things like that," she says, her eyebrows drawn together. "He's a good kid, but if you tell him something like that he'll badger you constantly about it until you give in. I made that mistake with the puppy, you've just made it over India and tigers." She rolls her eyes, looking away from him. She doesn't mean to come off as strict, she really isn't, and she doesn't want him to think that nothing he says applies to Demetri because she wants his help in raising their child. "I just don't want you to get his hopes up." In case he decides he doesn't want to play a part in Demetri's life, in case he can't.

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Seb looks at Donna, raising an eyebrow at her. Obviously she hadn’t told him that his experience with tigers had been killing them and selling them for money illegally, but he doesn’t bring that up. He could tell Demetri all about the real thing was he was older and obsessed with video games and violence and girls (or boys). “I’m so jealous. I don’t think I’ve seen a real tiger for a long time," he says, reveling in Demetri’s tight hugs and energy. “You’re so lucky. Maybe one day we can go to India and see them without the bars."

He catches Donna’s eye as he says it, knowing she’d just love that.

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She looks evenly back at him, he hardly expected her to tell the bloody truth to their two-year-old son. Even he had to know that was a bad idea. She didn't want Demetri to grow up to be something like her or Sebastian, she wanted him to be safe, so he wasn't going to be told anything he didn't need to know. "Can we really?" he asks, looking at Donna for confirmation. She purses her lips letting her leg slide out to dig the heel of her shoe into Sebastian's calf. "We'll see," she tells him, because tigers in the wild are dangerous and she's become a tad careful since she became a mother.

"Why don't you show your daddy the tiger picture you drew?" she says then, stroking Demetri's hair and pressing a kiss to the crown of his head. "He wants to see it, sweetie." And she wants to scold Sebastian for getting ideas into Demetri's mind.

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Seb raises an eyebrow at her, but doesn’t comment, figuring he could tease her later, though he knows he’d do the same. “Well when he gets a little older we can help him learn, yeah?" Seb says, laughing and ducking when Demetri almost hits him, and then allowing himself to be pulled close, blowing a raspberry against his neck, and then smiling when Demetri squeals and pushes him away. 

"Tigger’s a good name," Seb says, thankful for the fact that he’d read a few Winnie the Pooh books to Pia so he knew the name. “Do you like tigers?"

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"Yeah!" he replies excited, giggling. He hopes he doesn't have to go away again because he would miss his daddy if he did. He hugs him a little tighter for that thought, laughing and shouting in delight when his father blows a raspberry. 

"I love tigers! Mummy took me to the zoo and she took me to see the tigers!" He had a little difficulty saying the word tiger, his small mouth spending longer getting it out than the other words. "She says that you like tigers loads and loads and I like them too!" Donna smirks, sitting down on the couch innocently enough though.