Tips for Kinky People.

28 sub and 31 domme co-run blog 18+ only

[gardenshibari]

Gagged and Punishment-based Extended Spankings

For a long time I struggled to give a good spanking to my husband. Like many people his tolerance for pain is quite low, but his desire and need for a hard spanking was quite high.

For many of our spanking sessions he'd instantly start kicking, whining, or pleading he'd be good long before either of us were truly satisfied, and then he'd return to his prior behavior shortly afterward.

There was a simple solution. With a proper distraction or activity to take their minds of it, the caning and paddling can continue much farther.

I gave him a dildo to suck on. Or made him concentrate on not letting a pacifier fall from his mouth, under the threat of doubling all prior spanks.

Another time I filled a feeding gag syringe with various gross things from the kitchen. You'd be AMAZED how red and blue their cheeks can get before they're begging to finish their punishment by being force-fed the awful liquid. This is now my go-to if I can do the prep beforehand.

[gardenshibari]

What is the best way to practice multiple times a day? I've been doing some practice in the shower, but that's only a minute or two every day or two.

It helps if you have someone to make you practice and keeps you training.

Use any time that you're sitting. This can be time watching tv, or working from home.

Do you have hardwood floors or a stool? You can get a toy with a suction cup and sit on it while you watch a movie. If you're careful I recommend either a dilator or a cone-shaped toy.

If you have the cone-shaped toy, sit on your knees and lower yourself onto it slowly. Go slow and make sure to use plenty of lube. Go as far and as long as you can without hurting yourself.

[gardenshibari]

Stretching

So you want to be pegged/fucked by your partner, but they're too large? The solution is simple. You just have to train yourself to accommodate their size.

1. Go slow, nobody perfects yoga in a day, or can do the splits in a week. Be patient with your body so you don't hurt anything. And don't use numbing lube, it's important to feel your limits and not push them.

2. Start small. Just a finger or two, or use a small toy. If you can accommodate that, it's time for the next step...dilators. these are smooth phallic devices sold in sets, and are almost medical in their design and use. You can also use plugs, but the narrow base of the plug means they have to be constantly worked in and out to really be effective. I highly recommend just using dilators and using a tight pair of underwear to keep them in. Always go up a size if you don't feel stretching (stop if there's pain!)

3. Practice daily...AT LEAST. The back door is extremely resilient. If you stretch a couple times a day you can work your way up to being loose enough to be fisted up to the elbow (if that's something you want). However if you just intermittently train once for a few minutes every couple days, you're going to see little to no progress.

4. Don't be afraid of being permanently loose or incontinent. This is a myth. The anus is really quite amazing. As long as you go slow and don't break or tear anything, you'll be amazed at the size of the toys you can use, and yes, it will always be able to eventually close again after playtime.

5. Step 3 again! Frequency is key!!!! You'll be trying to stretch your tight hole forever if you take breaks! Make it part of your daily ritual. Are you at home? Put in a dilator! Going out? Put in a plug! Keep going until you're comfortably 1.5 times the size you actually need! You can do it!

[gardenshibari]

Spanking

When to stop spanking? This varies greatly and depends on communication between what you and your sub are comfortable with. Always use and respect safewords!

I recommend to you when you SHOULDN'T stop though.

Definitely don't initiate the stopping. Don't ask "will you be good now?" Or "have you learned your lesson?" It's an easy out that brats will probably always take, even if they actually want longer and harder punishments. This just encourages them to repeat the bad behavior in hopes of MORE spankings, which is the opposite of what most doms want!

Let THEM start bargaining or letting you know it's enough. Have them telling you that they're sorry, or the won't do it again UNPROMPTED.

When they're really sorry, they'll let you know. Until then, just keep going enjoy listening to their whimpers and yelps.

[gardenshibari]

Needing & Getting

It's so easy to wake up and just throw yourself into a scene. Often it's because your sub is being so cute you can't help but tease them and play with them.

Then they'll ask to cum. And you'll want to say yes so badly.

So what do you do? If you're like me when I started you'll say something like: "You may cum if you promise to mow the lawn and clean the kitchen."

This gets you a single chore done a single time for a whole orgasm. One that might have been building for weeks. Your sub has played you and bought an orgasm with a single chore during the fire sale of your weak moment. Don't do this!

To fix this: reframe your request as an interrogatory question. Put your sub on the defensive: "How many times did you mow the lawn or clean the kitchen?"

Now they have to defend their past actions, and you have the high ground that allows you to finish them with a "Maybe you can cum next week if you show improvement."

This reframes the whole discussion, modifies their behavior for the better, and you'll get a week of chores in advance instead of a soon-to-be-broken promise that only lasts as long as their orgasm.

[gardenshibari]

Do you have any tips for milking? i’ve had it attempted on me several times but haven’t had success. Thanks & i love your blog!

Thanks for the encouragement!

Milking is hard because it varies so much per person, method, and time. I've done a ton of reading about it.

Some people can only be milked on all fours, others need to be on their backs, others can only do it when upright and bouncing on a toy.

There are two ways that work for us.

The first is a hard and fast pegging with him on his back and his ass elevated on a pillow. After about 3 minutes a large drop of cum should appear every few minutes of pegging. This is a whole lot of work. I recommend just using a fucking machine if you go this route.

The other method uses a skinny aneros shaped device with him on all fours. Locate the prostate (this can take a full session alone.) Then apply and remove pressure. Occassionally move the head of the tool in small circles. He should also do kegels, experimenting with the timing of the wand. I like this method because I can just play with the handle absent mindedly while marathoning a show and he has to work, doing kegels and watching his cage, trying his hardest to slowly drip some cum over several hours.

Hopefully this helps!

[gardenshibari]

Dear Diary

A fun way to keep up to date on your sub's thoughts and feelings is to make them keep a diary that you may inspect once in a while. It can help shy subs say what they don't want to out loud, and can make a cute, intimate gift.

Have 'Diary Time' once a day. We usually do ours before bedtime or when we're bored in the middle of the day. You can put whatever rules you want to increase the content or keep it fun, but make sure they feel safe writing whatever they are feeling there.

Our rules are:

Must describe something he likes about his cage

Must describe one sexual fantasy he had during that day.

These are inclusive rules to make it fun. There shouldn't be anything saying what he CAN'T write. If he wants to complain about something, he can, as long as he also abides by the inclusive rules.

You can also institute cute ones, like making your sub kiss the page to leave a lipstick mark, or dot all 'i's with hearts, or require an illustration or something.

[gardenshibari]

Your favorite way to make your sub cum?

I prefer to not let him cum at all and instead get it all out slowly with a long slow milking.

The most intricate way is to make it as short as possible. The key is to work him up. After weeks in chastity, I make him wear a vibrating plug for the day. By the evening he's so desperate.

Once restrained, I tease and edge him for a bit, then I use a nicely warmed and lubed fleshlight. He cums in seconds, just as I like it. Then it's immediately back in the cage. If I use my pussy I make sure to neg him about how cute he is when he tries to satisfy me with his adorably pointless premature penis.

90% of the time I make sure his orgasms are as simple as possible, like a handjob while he sucks on my tits or is on all fours. Once I just let him hump my leg while I looked at Tumblr on my phone, then made him drink the resulting condom.

[gardenshibari]

How do you keep him locked for extended lengths of time? Do you have any need for penetration at all?

Of course! I'd go crazy without actual sex!

That said, I've learned that sex with his penis is optional.

It took forever to warm up to the idea, but he now has his own dildo that I've chosen because the size and shape are perfect for me.

Sex with someone absolutely desperate to feel anything is so fucking incredible, it can't be beat. And the phantom pleasure for him is so intense that he actually came in his cage once while using the strap.

He lasts as long as I want. He goes as fast and deep as I want. It's an upgrade in every possible way. Additionally, the only mess is whatever moisture is on the strap, and whatever he dribbles into a condom.

[gardenshibari]

My wife just pegged me really hard, but didn't unlock me or let me cum like we usually do...and I kind of liked it. I actually feel softer, sexier, and more submissive.

Do you typically let your sub cum after a scene?

Thanks for the ask! I love your blog!

Usually the more elaborate the scene, the less likely he'll be allowed to cum. As a submissive, it's usually more pleasurable if being fucked is about pleasing the domme. Having an elaborate scene where your wife cums and you don't will make you feel like a good, well used, little toy. (At least that's how my husband feels. He's happiest to be fingered, pegged, and spanked with no expectation of cumming.

It's far hotter for us if the sub rarely cums, and if they do it's with something simple but slightly kinky, like a nursing handjob or a restrained ruined orgasm, or paid for with a whipping.

Intricate scenes are for the domme's pleasure, simple subservient scenes are for the sub's pleasure.

[gardenshibari]

Keeping the Game Going

What's better than chastity/denial until you get what you want?

Chastity/denial that continues AFTER you get what you want.

A few years ago I got really tired of 'do this chore for me and I'll let you cum'. Because then it'd take several days for him to get horny enough to do a similar chore again, and we'd both feel a little dissapointed that the chastity torture had ended.

You can easily keep their spirits high, and their balls full by instituting a little bit of chance. Instead of granting them an unlock, reward them with the CHANCE of an unlock. Use 20 sided dice, or a deck of cards, You really can make it as impossible as you want, they will still act as though it's the reward itself.

For extra fun you can add risk of punishment: Roll anything less than X for a spanking or Y for another month locked, etc.

They stay happily desperate and obedient, and you get a perfectly chaste submissive. Win/win.

[gardenshibari]

Be a Respectful Sub

Being the dominant isn't always easy. A scene takes planning, time, energy, care, and a lot of effort.

Scenes are fun, exciting, and hot. It's understandable that a sub would want a long pegging scene, or some fantasy every day. But it's important to respect the dominant.

There's so many posts of "I just want a SO who will do 'X' to me every day!". That shows a misunderstanding of the dynamic, and a desire for a kind despenser, not a relationship.

Don't try to initiate a scene spontaneously. Sure, wear lingerie and tease your domme for fun if you want, but make it clear that you don't expect them to do anything if they don't want to. If you go this route, kink becomes a stressful expectation for them, another chore, not a fun activity.

Don't always make everything physical about you. It's tempting to think things in the form of 'Dommes do X to subs' but a healthier thing is to think 'What do dommes and subs do for eachother?' There's back and forth and give and take in the bedroom....no matter what that caption on tumblr told you.

Be there for your dominant, comfort them when they need it. domdrop is a real thing just like subdrop. Don't get mad at them if it's been a while between scenes. Even if ageplay is your thing, you should be aware of the other person's needs and wants, and you should communicate like a mature adult.

[gardenshibari]

Learning to Say 'No'

Pegging is the most powerful form of denial a dominant can do. It's essentially a shortcut to the effects of a week in chastity.

Most couples love the dynamic that forms after a week or two locked. The sub becomes more eager to please, obedient, and softer. This really lessens relationship stress. (Just don't take too much advantage of your sub in this state!)

Basically, just peg them until they're panting and saying they're close (they honestly can't even tell from pegging, see my earlier post). When you're satisfied yourself, pull out, and put them into chastity (assuming you let them out).

They may whine, or throw a little tantrum (add a spanking here if you'd like), but afterwards they'll agree that being told no was far kinkier than being allowed to cum.

Give it a try, the only thing you have to lose is another mess to clean up! We always ended pegging with orgasms all around because it's just so hard to resist subby puppydog eyes. Now pegging is regular. Cumming (for him) is not.

[gardenshibari]

Pegging Speeds

This is a matter of preference for the sub. What we've found in general, is that long, slow strokes FEEL the best for the sub physically. It really allows every sensation and inch of the dildo to be felt, and allows for playing with angles to maximize pressure and rubbing on the prostate.

Faster speeds are better for psychological domination. NOTHING really compares with pounding a helpless submissive into the mattress with gusto, and sliding in and out quickly until you're both worn ragged. Just note that for safety it's better to use a smaller, shorter dildo for fast pegging. When you're going fast, you can cause injury without either party knowing, or make things worse before your sub can indicate pain.

Experiment with both and have fun!

[gardenshibari]

What pegging feels like for your sub

No, It doesn't feel like sex does for you (assuming you have female anatomy). Imagine that you've spent all your life simply rubbing your clit until you cum, then finding out that you can press a button to simulate one of the sensations you feel RIGHT BEFORE you cum. It's like discovering you have a third bladder that you've only ever felt pulse slightly as you orgasm, and then having something squeeze it.

It's the sensation of NEEDING cum (similar to squeezing a bladder, and feeling those pulses that they normally only feel when they're cumming. It's extremely confusing and hard to describe to those with female anatomy. Domme's who have pegged male subs will often have their subs saying they're "so close" without really being able to tell how close they really are. It's a completely new sexual experience, and it's anyones guess as to how close they actually are to cumming.

This feeling of needy, achey, sexual pressure builds, and then plateaus right at the peak. This is why pegging in chastity is such an incredible treat for couples into denial and chastity. It's the ultimate form of edging, provided your sub isn't able to cum from pegging alone.

At this point you can peg as long as you want, fast, slow, it doesn't really matter. your sub will remain at that plateau, feeling that intense sexual pressure to cum. begging for you to continue, even though they may not ever cum from the pegging alone.