oh

to be fair there is a pearl in my chest and i am rolling it around every night

[gentlepea]

thank god you have someone else fielding ur issues now bc i cannot do it anymore, blessings to that poor girl

[gentlepea]

was kind when i should have been cruel and comforting when i should have been cold

[gentlepea]

you literally don’t actually care about my quality of life because you keep putting me in these fucked up evil situations and lying to my face about them until the very end

[gentlepea]

knowing you’re just sitting around and waiting for me to come home so you can vent about whatever shit u want and ignore what i did or what im doing is so frustrating!

[gentlepea]

i am so frustrated that you cannot seem to do anything to make your life easier to the point where you are actively making my life more miserable

[gentlepea]

i feel like i see so much of everyone and help everyone and entertain everyone and notice things about everyone and can’t make myself stop to just focus on me anymore

[gentlepea]

i quite literally booked a trip for my birthday just to not be let down again

[gentlepea]

it is so hard to not be resentful of people who know how to ask for help!! for people who can just allow for themselves to be cared for and coddled!! i am so distrusting and corroded into an independant state that i cannot change my ways !! i don’t want to ask for something and be disappointed again

[gentlepea]

i deserve someone who will make the extra effort for me.

[gentlepea]

i legitimately don’t think you realize how much i have pulled away from you but i can’t tell if it’s because im doing a bad job of following through or if u just don’t notice anything about me

[gentlepea]

watching a cycle form where in the beginning of relationships i can stand up for myself and advocate when im upset but gradually loosing the fight to do so when it is proven that the person does not care enough to change and instead of dropping the person i turn into this husk that just continues the relationship without expecting it to be both sided at all.

directly mirroring my parents relationship and saving me from the perceived abandonment of loosing one of the few friends i have no matter how shitty.

[gentlepea]

i wish it was just that easy for me!

[gentlepea]

the way that conversation went was not productive in the slightest. I was triggered, put into survival mode, made to make an important decision and then expected to provide emotional support. how the fuck was that supposed to be a healthy normal conversation at all

[gentlepea]

sometimes i think about moving to portland and having portland roommates who r just mad at me for not properly supporting their polycule instead of whatever pyschological warfare goes on in socal

[gentlepea]

the way that conversation went was not productive in the slightest. I was triggered, put into survival mode, made to make an important decision and then expected to provide emotional support. how the fuck was that supposed to be a healthy normal conversation at all

[gentlepea]

i am fine and normal and able to self soothe without hurting myself

[gentlepea]

my personal process is

i make a snap decision about someone

if i decide i like u i will do anything to make sure u like me and keep liking me and hopefully like me the best personally

and then i just like seeth quietly when i realize my snap judgement is wrong and ive gotten myself in too deep and the relationship is actually bad for me

[gentlepea]

i don’t feel like ur even ever excited to talk to me ur just excited to have someone to listen. it’s so so so so easy to gain my favor and so so so so hard for me to realize you don’t deserve it