Moving On

[gettinglessbroken]

Hello Again TW SUICIDE ATTEMPTS

It’s been quite sometime since I lost posted, but really time doesn’t matter that much when you’ve made no progress huh? 

Since last posting I have moved back to my home town, got a shitty job and struggled more and more with my depression. It’s getting worse and worse everyday even though I am now on a strict regimen of antidepressants, they just don’t work that well I guess. 

I’ve had three attempts since I have been home and I feel like there is another on the horizon. Last time I was hospitalized but I am a grown functioning adult so they couldn’t force me to be there longer than 72 hours. 

Got really good at faking that I am ok too so people would leave me alone.

I do have a partner now too. I love them very much but I think they are falling out of love with me. It hurts really bad considering everything I have been through.

2020 has been hell for so many people and I am right there with them. I hate seeing all these people get sick and die because of the selfishness of others, no one should die if they don’t want to. I want to, die that is, so bad. 

I feel like everything I have done on earth was a waste. Waste of space and time and money. Waste of life. Someone else could’ve lived my life way better. Made her parents proud, done something greater, had a successful marriage, had children, become someone who would change the world. Hell I can barely finish writing this stupid post, I give up on everything.

The problem is everyone says I’ll get better with time. But I don’t want to get better. I want to get out.

No one gets that though. They don’t see how sick I am because the outward appearance of this dieses is “pure laziness”. I’m not lazy, I am just overcome with a force of hate and distress that I cannot physically remove myself from my bed anymore.

Another wasted day in this world that could care less if I were around.

Anyway, I think I will keep updating here, not that many people will see it maybe I’ll just do it for me, until I do go through with killing myself. Thanks for reading. Bye for now.

[gettinglessbroken]

An Introduction

Here it is. Me? Without names or too much detail about where I am because I’d like to keep my life a little private. I am in my twenties, prior military, I deal with depression and anxiety and PTSD on a daily basis. I was married for three years and am soon finalizing my divorce and moving back to my home town after being gone for almost six years. 

I am female and use she/her pronouns. I don’t have a sexual preference because I am honestly at a place where I just want to love and be loved I don’t care what they have in their pants. 

Love poetry and writing, I travel as much as a financially can. 

This blog is an outlet to me, but I will be building a tiny house when I move back to my home town and would love to document that for the internet. I hope you’re cool with a forever changing aesthetic as I am caught somewhere between a goth and a hippie. 

Lets see where this goes

[bbblackcats]

[pastel-ravennn-deactivated20200]

It’s looking a lot like spoopy season! 🍂🍁🕷🦇

[sweetcruellife]

[localcraigslist]

[axaphoto]

[poutypet]

casually daydreams about being choked

[pterapneumatic]

tumblr: you're back early

me, darkening my clothes: mcrs back

tumblr: what?

me, striking a violent pose: mcrs back

[harlotofandraste]

me, listening to MCR on October 31st, 2019, as my life falls apart around me: 

[borhapqueen92-deactivated202401]

Okay, but MCR is back I'm like

[the-hurt-you-sold]

Me seeing that MCR is holding a reunion, for real this time:

[whatsupspaceman]

[cheetomagneto]

[notmysecret]

*aggressively cares about you but doesn’t want to be clingy about it*

[m4ge-deactivated20210331]

a quick step by step guide on what to do if you come back to your apartment and find yourself locked out because your front door is frozen shut

kick the bottom of the door for 10 minutes

text your landlord

remember your landlord is on vacation and also in her mid 50′s so it takes about 36 hours to receive a response

briefly wonder why the fuck you moved the canada

remember that college tuition is significantly cheaper here than in the united states 

look up and notice your cat is at the window, staring at you. he paws at the window lightly and meows. it’s devastating. his eyes are so big and imploring. decide that you have to get inside your apartment at all costs. not even god himself can stop you from feeding your cat his chicken wet food dinner. frida kahlo herself could descend from the heavens and ask “hey you wanna bang?” and you’d say “hell yeah but first let me open this door so i can feed my cat his dinner”

remember there is a starbucks 3 blocks down the street from you

enter. the barista gives you a weird look for entering a starbucks at 7pm on a tuesday

order a venti cup of hot water. you order in french because the barista just said “bonjour” instead of “bonjour, hi.” you have a strong american accent. you hit the r in merci a little too hard to compensate. you embarrass yourself.

exit the starbucks clutching the massive cup of hot water in your hands. it’s burning your fingers.

return. methodically pour the starbucks cup of water all over the the door frame. it begins moving a little but still wont open

back up

ensure your doc martens are properly gripping the sheet of ice covering the ground. many people have told you to stop wearing doc martens in the winter, despite your protests that theyre actually the ideal winter boot. also, you’re a lesbian and punk’s not dead

release a pterodactyl screech and sprint towards the door, slamming the full force of your pathetically tiny 5′2″ 110lb body into it

you dont know any of your neighbors so you dont care about maintaining your pride anyways

the door swings open

run up the stairs

open the actual door to your apartment and yell MOMMY’S HOME MY LITTLE BITCHASS BABY BOY DONT WORRY at your cat

cat flings his body to the ground and starts purring like he does every time you come home

write tumblr post

[homoslovenc]

this has a better plot than 90% of action movies

[painstation-deactivated20181026]