𝄞 DESTIEL ANGST DRABBLE
— TWO THINGS CASTIEL LOVED
..idk man angst is speaking to me
post 15x18, no reader, angsty, i miss him.
“he's not coming back, is he?” dean allowed himself to ask. he hadn't wanted to ask, didn't want to know the answer. but he already did. he watched it happen. for once in his life, it felt final. like maybe he wouldn't be back in a few months or more. like it was different from the ways he and sam had come back. he had let himself think Cas would come back, like everyone else had. just like he had done so many times before. he would be back.
but he wouldn't be back.
sam looked up. tired, but not in the same way dean was tired. “dean..” he sounded angry, and broken— grief stricken, maybe. and dean felt those things too, but different. an extra layer that he couldn't name. heartbreak. he didn't want to feel it. “dean, i'm sorry, but you know he's not coming back, he's..” dean didn't listen to the rest of the sentence.
he had been looking for cas everywhere, just not consciously. the way he instinctively reached for a third mug of coffee on the rare days he'd make breakfast. how his eyes would linger on cas’ favorite spot in the library. the nights he'd hug his pillow closer and pretend nothing was wrong. the nights he’d pray to an angel he knew couldn't listen. he's woken up in a cold sweat more often than he would ever admit. dean tried so hard to push it down, to not feel it. to let it go as quickly as possible and grieve in two days. god, why can't grief go any faster? why does he even have to think about this? he's dead, castiel is dead and anything they had is gone. what did they even have anyway?
don't think about it.
the long nights where they’d held each other and fallen asleep in each other's arms.
don't think about it.
the nights sam had been away and they let themselves get lost in the alcohol.
don't think about it.
the words cas had whispered that no one had ever told him. how he handled dean like he was something precious and not the blunt object he'd always been.
don't think about it.
“i’ll watch over you.”
don't think about it.
“dean, you asked what about this is real. we are.”
don't think about it.
“you know i always appreciated our talks, our time together.”
don't think about it.
“i love you.”
don't think about it don't think about it don't think
“goodbye, dean.”
about it don't think about it don't think about it don'tthinkaboutitdon’thinkaboutitdon’thinkaboutitdon’t—
“dean, are you crying?” sam’s voice came from the other side of the table. shit. was he crying? he wiped his eyes a tad more aggressively than he had to. “no, of course not.”
“dean, it's okay to cry.” sam tried to put his hand on dean's shoulder but dean swatted his hand away. dean could be so stubborn sometimes, he swore.
“im fine, sammy. just.. i gotta do something.” he was planning to go to his room, but he didn't. he was trying so hard not to think about everything that two wrong turns later, he found himself in cas’ spot of the library. right in front of the well used seat cas had loved almost as much as him. so dean sat down, and he did the thing he'd been trying to avoid. he thought about it. he thought and thought until he fell asleep in that chair.
two things that castiel loved.
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a/n: first time writing angst so don't judge me too hard. i was listening to sad songs and felt this awful pull to start writing earth shattering angst so here you go! thank you to my friends @ghostpaun and @cazzspazz17 for music suggestions, i love you!!!! gummi out!
Peak angst
