How To Get Over A Breakup #1
Alright ladies, it's time to face a hard reality: Not everyone you date is going to be able to see how ridiculously hot and awesome you are. Sometimes, hopefully rarely, you will cross paths with a guy that you really like that just doesn't really like you. It sucks, but it's also a rite of passage for any young adult (girls and guys!) and someday when you are happily married you will look back at all this and laugh. But until then, here are foolproof steps to get over a breakup or rejection, developed by trial and error over many years and many heartbreaks.** Starting with:
All too often we think the best way to combat the loss of someone we care about is to go out and find someone new. But unfortunately in my experience 99 times out of 100 the night you choose to go out and forget someone will be the night the only guys at the bar are hideous cheap-ass trolls in embroidered button-down shirts and tapered jeans. And even if they're not, they will seem disgusting to you since you are still obsessed with someone else. And then one of two things will happen, or, god forbid, both: 1) at the very best you will cry about how you miss him and possibly send a drunk text saying just that or 2) at the very worst you will wake up in the morning next to a hideous troll with his acid wash jeans on the floor. Obviously, both of these options are very bad. Trust me - the best way to start the process of getting over someone is to embrace the fact that you are devastated. Dealing with your heartache head-on is like waxing instead of plucking - it is fucking torture either way but at least one gets the job done faster. So don't try to find a replacement right away and instead give yourself some time to just be sad and alone. However you want to do it. I have found that I enjoy being cliche sad because it is awesome and it works. Here are some of my favorite remedies:*
-Stalk his facebook/read old emails from him while wearing his old tshirt
-Eat raw cookie dough while watching Bridget Jones Diary
-Sex and the City season 5 (Carrie was single and she seemed ok!)
-Listening to "God Bless the Broken Road" on repeat.
*All of these must be done while drinking wine and crying.
As stupid as it may sound, all of these are a great way to get out your emotions. Who cares how lame it is if it makes you feel better after? A good cry is nature's Xanax. And how often is it socially acceptable for someone to stay in their pajamas all day and sob while carbo-loading? Say the word "break-up" and all is forgiven from friends, family, and co-workers. It is a magical time and the only instance you can get away with this type of behavior so embrace it. But not for too long which brings me to step #2...
**Please note that these tips do not apply to the ends of engagements, marriages, or relationships over 5 years. Then I assume professional counseling and possible admittance to a psych ward would need to be involved.
