She knew Lucifer was beautiful as well, and she knew that he was fallen. However, he was their Pastor, and looking that beautiful should be a sin. Many expressed that beauty was a curse that a handful of people suffered from. Alas, she was not one of them. She was repeatedly told she was ugly, and deformed, her red hair something they often worked to hide beneath her black bonnet. No one but her mother dared touch it though, brushing it, and saying it was a gift. Despite all those who called it a curse laid upon their family.
She couldn't help but look at him with desire. She felt her stomach flutter every time he looked at her. She may only be fourteen, but she felt desire every time she looked at him. With his long blonde hair and blue eyes that were lighter than that of the palest blue ski, she found herself taking him in, and dreaming of him.
She would stay as pious as was required of her if only he would take her as one of his wives. The things she imagined him doing to her, were anything but pious. He was thirty-six though, and although she would soon be guided to take a husband, she imagined him breaking her free of her piety. Call it teenage hormones, but dear Lord, they were running rampant, and she couldn't help thinking of the things he would do to her if only they left them alone together.
She just wanted to kiss him all over. Her young brain couldn't fill in the blanks, but she felt like a sinful part of her body was hollow and though she knew little of these things, her body kept insisting that he fill that hollow. Yes, she was coveting the new priest in ways her own mind couldn't even fathom or understand. But, she couldn't help herself. She kept her eyes low on her light blue dress, the one that complimented her blue eyes. She prayed to God to give her strength, to stop her from this craving and coveting of the man at their pulpit.
Her natural red hair already made her a target amongst her family, her father saying she had hair the color of sin. She was the only redhead in her family, and she found herself reprimanded more often than her brothers or sisters. All born blonde, and blue-eyed, and beautiful. She was the one 'marked by Satan' with her red hair.
She often wished for blonde hair like those of her siblings. Her younger siblings rarely thought of her as any different from any other older child. Her elder siblings would often mock her, shun her, and leave her to her father's whippings should something come up that was blame-worthy. And even if she didn't do it, she would take the beating, knowing that it was just the Lord's way of trying to cleanse her. Her back was scarred from the beatings. The belt having left deep impressions on her back. Her father insisted it was the only way to cleanse her of her mortal sins.
Her mother had only given him one child, and a child with red hair, nonetheless. It was a burden for her mother to carry. She often wondered what it would be like to leave the commune. To escape from the circle of trailers they had set up like gypsies in the deserts of Salt Lake City, Utah. She found herself lost between her piety and her need to protect her younger siblings and an undeniable desire to run free.
Her grandmother, Lois, had come from the outside world, the one before the commune, as she hadn't wanted to leave her daughter in the hands of this man. A man who spoke of righteousness, and piousness, and abused her. Along with his other wives, and the children his many wives had bore him.
She had traveled with them in hopes perhaps of one day, her daughter seeing the light would want to leave. However, her daughter had never left, and years later, shunned by the community and her daughter, she was forced to live on the furthest outskirts of their circle of trailers. She never attended services and was looked upon as a servant against the Lord.
Most were told not to socialize with the 'old outsider hag' as her father put it, but Lilith would sneak over to see her grandmother in between her chores. Lilith reveled in those visits, having found old Harlequin romances, and books like George Orwell's 1984, and Fahrenheit 451. She even continued to learn how to read and write in cursive at her grandmother's behest, despite most of the girl's education stopping after grade school.
Her grandmother had insisted that she continue her education and she believed her grandmother had wisdom to impart despite her father's demands of avoiding the woman. She had even brought with her music from the outside world on something with her called an iPod. It was unlike anything Lilith had ever seen or heard. Her grandmother often told her that she should run far, far away, as soon as she could.
She wanted her to be free of this place, and these 'fraudulent holy people' as she'd put it. She'd shown her where she'd hidden a coffee-tin full of money and a small switchblade. She told her should anything happen to her, that she should take it and run. Whether it be by 'hitchhiking' as she called it, or by simply running, she should get away as fast and as soon as possible. She taught her how to hold her thumb out and insisted that it was the way she'd gotten around the country as a teenager herself.
She had spoken and shown her photos of mini-dresses, bare legs, and arms. Women who wore make-up and cut their hair and dyed it in crazy colors in things called 'fashion magazines'. She had spoken of drinking tea and coffee, both of which she had offered sips to Lilith. She found that she loved them both. She even gave her a sip of hard alcohol, which was definitely against the rules, and she found it burned and coughed up a storm after the first sip. Shortly after she was joyous, and wanted to dance. Her grandmother had closed the blinds of her trailer and put on some music quietly to let her do just that.
She felt a connection to the elderly woman named Lois who had always held her tightly in hugs. So very few others were willing to touch the redheaded child, and she found herself touch-starved and longing for contact. But her grandmother never hesitated. She always repeated over and over how stunning and beautiful she was. Saying that she, herself, used to be a redhead, albeit now, all the red was gone from her hair, and only white remained. Lilith had been caught there more than once and was made to kneel on raw rice for long hours, more times than she could ever remember.
When her grandmother passed away, Lilith managed to sneak into the old woman's trailer and steal a handful of things. Everything else was quickly removed from the trailer and burned. She managed to steal the iPod, the charging cord, the coffee-tin of money, a handful of books, the small pocket knife, and a necklace. She hid them in places around her room, desperate to keep what little she could to remember her by.
As the Pastor finishes his sermon, she comes back into reality instead of daydreaming and raises her eyes. He looks directly upon her, and her cheeks flush pink as she realizes she has his undivided attention. Her mouth dries and she can't even join in the closing prayer. She struggles with the words, but manages to hum along with the flock at the last memorized quote, "-make us into tools of your mercy, and let us joyfully go forth and practice our calling. Amen."
She raises her head but keeps her eyes downcast. She can feel her father looking at her now, and she doesn't want to risk the belt for misbehaving. As they go to leave, they milled amongst the rest. The men shook hands with the Pastor upon leaving to do their chores. The women left to care for the children and prepare food. Pastor Roth, turns to her father and smiles widely.
"Lilith is a very devoted young woman, may I speak with her privately?" He asks as he shakes her father's hand. Her father nods, as though grateful to be rid of her for a while. Content of anything to rid himself of that of which he was forced to call 'daughter'.
"Our daughter is extremely devoted, and she knows how to behave. Please feel free to speak the word of the Lord with her. I feel that she could benefit from your teachings. Please, assist her and guide her to the Lord," her father says. For a moment she finds herself confused, as her father has told her that she is nothing but disobedient and destructive to their entire community.
She stands beside Pastor Roth, her eyes on the floor, and solemn until the rest of the community passes him. Some shaking his hand and blessing him for his sermon. Others thanked him for his words and blessings upon the community. Some of the wives and younger women look at her with open distaste.
As the crowd dissipates, she follows Pastor Roth to the pulpit. As others leave, he gestures for her to sit at the steps next to the pulpit. She does as guided, without question. The few steps lead up to a stage, and she finds herself sitting on the middle one. She keeps her eyes on the floor and says nothing.
She continues to stay solemn and quiet as he sits next to her with his thigh nearly touching hers. She says nothing, keeping her eyes low, and waiting patiently. He takes his time, looking her over, as she remains still and quiet before he reaches out. She flinches but doesn't pull back, as he tucks a strand of hair back in her bonnet. Her breath catches for a moment, as she tries not to react or respond until asked or prompted to.
"Hello Lilith," Pastor Roth finally speaks. She nods gently, and looks from her left knee to her right, and back again.
"Pastor Roth," she retorts in a voice just above a whisper. She clears her throat and stays as she is, still and subservient, eyes staying on her knees. He leans forward a little, in a more relaxed posture, resting his elbows on his knees. She struggles to look anywhere but at him directly even though he's leaned into her line of sight. She tries to be as calm as possible, despite her heart picking up like a jackhammer.
Her hands are clasped tightly in her lap, but she doesn't fidget, she simply keeps her eyes away from his and down. When he comes into her eye line, she simply looks down at her hands instead. There is a pause as he reaches out, and touches her chin to lift her jaw. She keeps looking straight ahead, almost like she mustn't look at him. As if he were Lucifer himself, and his beauty couldn't be taken in with human eyes.
"Why won't you look at me, Lilith?" He asks quietly, realizing her avoidance of his direct eye contact. It was so very different when they were far apart, and she could watch him as he spoke over the congregation, but to be alone with him, the intensity was breathtaking. Her face flushes pink, and she looks skyward before answering honestly.
"Lucifer was beautiful like you. I oft feel you were sent here to tempt me, Pastor Roth. You are truly too beautiful for my eyes to rest upon without repercussions," she whispers, barely breathing the words. He chuckles, and his fingers trace a line across her jaw, and she feels her eyes close for a long moment, reveling in his touch.
"I feel the same about you, Lilith," he says earnestly. "You must be sent by God to tempt me."
Her eyes meet his for a moment in surprise, and her brow furrows.
"I am not beautiful like you, Pastor Roth. I am ugly. My father and siblings tell me so. There is no way any person in their right mind would find me beautiful," she whispers back, her voice barely carrying in the chapel that the community has built for themselves. She realizes her flaw, as she had spoken that his mind was not right if he found her beautiful. With all the doors closed now, the silence in the small chapel is deafening. Pastor Roth smiles gently, resting his hand upon hers.
"'Charm is deceitful, and beauty is vain, but a woman who fears the Lord is to be praised.'" He quotes Proverbs 31:30 without hesitation. "Do you fear the Lord, Lilith?"
She gives him jerky nods as her eyes stay connected to his.
"Yes, of course, Pastor Roth. 'The fear of the Lord is the beginning of wisdom,'" she says, quoting Proverbs 9:10. She pauses as his hand tightens on hers for a moment, afraid she's stepped out of line.
She drops her eyes to her lap, looking at his large hand over her small one while feeling confused and enthralled at the same time. He raises one hand and gently lifts her chin to his beautiful blue eyes. Her breath catches in her throat before her breathing picks up its pace. "Are you sent to tempt me?" She asks in the same whispered honest voice. Pastor Roth gives a low chuckle, and moves his hand from hers to her face, and leans forward ever so gently, and kisses her.
She is so shocked, she doesn't move. Despite all the teenage hormones in the world, she knows what he is doing is against all the rules laid out in their commune. Despite her hormonal thoughts from before, she moves to pull away. Thinking of doing something was much different than acting on it. His hands reach out and tangle in her hair underneath her bonnet. He painfully pulls carefully placed bobby pins from their place. She acts impulsively, pushing against his chest with a panic.
He continues forward pushing her back against the cheap dark blue pile carpet of the chapel and the last step. Her back arching over the last step, pushing her into him unintentionally. One hand is still tangled in her hair, as the other releases it; only to reach for the hem of her modest dress. She starts to fight against him, but he's much stronger and bigger than she is.
As his hand travels up her thigh, and he pushes his tongue past the seam of her mouth. She finds herself choking on it. She beats her fists against his chest but she finds herself simply pushing herself up into him as she tries to climb up and away from him by pulling her body up the next step. It has simply opened her to him more and he has moved to loom over her. His hand reaches under her modest dress and rips her undergarments clear down one side exposing herself to him. When his hand reaches the apex of her thighs, her skirt is no longer covering her modestly. She fights to push his hand down and away. He backs away ever so briefly, and breathes huskily against her mouth,
"I see the way you look at me, Lilith," he says in a deep rumbling voice.
His hand is between her thighs and is pushing her legs apart. As he forces himself between her legs. His hips stop her from closing her legs tightly and she inhales to scream. He covers her mouth with his hand, but all that comes out is a muffled shriek. She knows now that their new Pastor is Lucifer incarnate. "A woman must submit to a man, Lilith," he says in a low growl as she continues to fight him.
He releases her mouth, and grabs her tightly around the throat, cutting off her air in a brutal grip, as he fumbles with his pants. She struggles to get her wits about her knowing now that everything her grandmother had said was true. He's freed himself from his pants, and he shoves his pants down around his thighs. She feels his manhood press against her naked thigh. Black spots start to dance around the edges of her vision as she tries to look around desperately.
Underneath the hollowed pulpit are the heavy candlesticks they use for some sermons or baptisms. He moves over her and she can feel him at the apex of her thighs pressing against it for entry. In a sheer panic, she reaches out with her fingertips and grasps her hand firmly around the candlestick. Just as he starts to thrust in, she brings the heavy candlestick across his temple in one wide swiping motion. He is thrown off her abruptly, and he lays on the cheap low-pile carpet, unmoving.
Her chest heaving, sucking in air greedily, she sits up as quickly as she can. Shoving her dress down her thighs she stares at him with widened eyes. His eyes are closed and a small puddle of blood is already forming beneath his head. His pants are still down around his thighs and she avoids looking anywhere else.
I've killed him. Oh Lord have mercy, she thinks to herself, tears spilling as she struggles to think clearly. They would know that it was her. She was left alone with him and no matter what she said, she would be punished dearly, and no one would believe her story.
She stands abruptly, still dizzy, but she knows she has very little time. She quickly takes off her bonnet and readjusts the bobby pins as best she can, tucking her hair away and replacing her bonnet on her head. She runs down towards the exit and calms herself before she reaches the doors, as she swipes away any errant tears. She exits, closing the door behind her.
She moves hastily directly across the dry desert land, and straight for the trailer that she shares with her mother. Minutes tick by as she passes others, keeping her eyes low, and trying not to look harried as she continues on her way. Her undergarments are rubbing uncomfortably as the torn fabric rubs against one naked thigh. As she approaches the trailer and reaches for the flimsy door handle, she hears her eldest brother Gabriel speak up from where he'd been standing not too far away. She hadn't even noticed him, as her eyes had been so focused on her feet eating up the ground below her.