First You Say You Love Me, and Then You Say You Don't
I know who it is when my text alert sounds, I know its her, and I know I should ignore it because nothing good will come from this exchange. Nothing good ever happens after 2 am. I just wish she wasn’t who she was, because if it was any other girl I would be strong enough to say no, I’d be strong enough to ignore the phone. But this time, like all the other times before, I wont ignore it, I’ll answer it and I’ll go wherever she is and I’ll be whatever she needs me to be in this moment.
‘I miss you’ it reads, I roll my eyes, she has said this before, and she’ll say it again and I’ll fall for it every time.
‘Do you miss us?’ So she hasn’t been drinking, its legible, she’s either up too late and thinking or, she’s up too late and she’s not thinking.
‘I’m sorry ‘bout last time; you know I love you, answer me’ three in a row, she’s getting persistent. Sometimes I like to see how many she’ll send before I respond, because this will be the only time tonight when I will hold any of the power in this relationship. Five more minutes and no new message, so I’ll need to respond soon or I might lose this moment.
‘Course I do’ its all I can muster; I wish someone would take her phone away; in the end she’ll be the death of me, and I wont survive her.
‘I knew you did.’ Did you see that? All of the power I had is now gone, she’ll have it all now. ‘Have you been thinking about me?’ All the time, constantly, I wake up thinking about you and spend most of the night lying in my bed, and looking at the ceiling wishing you would make up your mind. I can’t respond with that though, because she can’t handle that much truth, she can only handle the childish back and forth.
‘Yes, Rae, I’ve been thinking about you’ too many words, I’m saying too many words.
‘Come over’ I shake my head no, I will not do this again, she is going to destroy me. I run my hands through my hair, I am showered and ready for bed, not ready for a 20-minute car ride to hers.
‘You think that’s a good idea?’ I ask tentatively, most of me wants her to say no, it’s a horrible idea, but I want you to anyway. But then there’s that voice in my head saying, you know this is a terrible idea and that you’ll be worse after this is over.
‘It’s an excellent idea, see you in 20’ and she’s right, she will see me in 20 because I’m the fool, and she’s got me on a string. Deep down I know this should be the last time I come over. She’ll say she misses me that she loves me and then in the morning, in the morning she’ll be different. I wont be though, I’ll still be the same stupid Finn making these same stupid decisions, maybe I’ll be a little different I’ll be a little more broken.
After spending 30 seconds pretending like I wasn’t going to go, I found myself in my car driving straight to her. After sitting in the car, looking at the light on in her bedroom window I found myself heading up the walk and knocking on the door without hesitation. I’ll save the hesitation for another time, cause right now she’s gonna open this door, pull me in by my jacket and kiss me as hard as she can and all I’m going to taste for the rest of this night is whatever cheap wine she’s got, her mouth, and her body.
“I’m so happy you came” she smiles and it breaks me even more.
“Course I did” by the time the door has shut behind us, and she’s flipped the lock I know I’m in trouble. This night’s gonna be different, because she’s made popcorn and she’s readied a movie and spending quality time with her not just the tiny pieces of herself she’s only ever given me, never all of her, I’m not going to make it out of this night with the rest of my heart.
“I thought we’d watch some TV, yeah?” I’d agree to anything, any amount of time she let me spend just being around her. I shake my head in agreement and we settle in on the sofa. She’s in my head, and I don’t know if this is a new trick or if she’s changed, and she’s going to give me more of her.
Wait ten minutes Nelson, you’ll find out.
“You’re so far away from me,” she says tucking one hand under my arm drawing me in closer to her perfection. I let her consume my space and I am flooded with how she smells and my stomach wont stop doing somersaults waiting for what will come next. She’s gonna leave me such a mess.
If this wasn’t my fault, if I hadn’t broken her first, maybe it wouldn’t be like this, and maybe one day she’ll trust me with more of her. Until then I’m gonna take what she offers me.
Warm kisses trace my jawline, and I can feel her hands all over me, and I can’t breathe, and I’m so happy in this moment because I am in love with her, and she; she only gives me pieces of her love now.
“Did you miss me?” She asks again, and I can’t answer her, so I’ll show her this time how much. She tells me she loves how I make her feel, and that no one knows her body like I do, and how to make her feel good. But I want to make her feel good all the time and she only wants me to make her feel good when she calls me at 2 am.
After she’s gotten what it is she needed from me tonight we’ll fall asleep in her bed, this she always gives me. She’ll afford me the luxury of sleeping next to her, and waking up surrounded by that mess of dark hair on my shoulder. But after we’ve had coffee and she’s awake enough to realize that I’m still here and she has to say those same words to me again, the air gets thicker, and I can feel it change when that happens.
“You don’t have to say it again this time” I’ll save her a few words this time.
“I know” she half smiles, and wraps herself up tighter in that ratty bathrobe “but I’m still sorry.” And it’ll sting just as hard every time she says it, and I’m going to keep coming back when she calls every time because I know one day she’s going to wake up and not feel like she made a mistake with me.
“I do love you” she huffs “and I know you want it all, but I’m not ready for that.”
“I know,” it’s my turn to half smile with my reply “I love you too.” It’ll be all I can do to get out of this place without breaking down in front of her. “Let me just get dressed and I’ll get out of your hair.” Her pretty little head tilts and she looks at me like I’ve said the most offensive sentence she’s ever heard.
“I didn’t ask you to leave,” and I’ve never been told this in the morning. She’s always hurried me out; she’s never ready to let me be there with her in a way that wasn’t in the bedroom, not since I let her down. “I’m not asking you to leave, I’m actually asking you to stay. I cant promise that I’ll be better this time, that I wont push you away again but I feel better about this now and I’m always going to love you so I either need to forget about you or give you another chance because this back and fourth is exhausting for both of us and frankly I’m shocked you’ve put up with it for this long.”
“You’d be surprised what I’d put up with when it comes to you” I smiled and kissed her lightly on the lips.
So maybe it wasn’t perfect, but the air didn’t feel thicker, it felt electric and full of hope; or maybe that was just me. Either way I wasn’t going to risk it by asking questions.
not enough people have read this lovely little story
This was hiding in my drafts … but it’s still a gem. One of those fics I’m not strong enough to write but love to read. And just a smidge of delicious hope at the end.
I’m scrolling, and I just saw the title of this. I’m like “awesome I wrote something with a title like this” because I did not realize it was mine lol. Then I got to experience the joy of having someone reblog something of mine from so long ago, so you guys are peaches.
