Tumblr has helped me throughout the years. Whether it’s just reblogging from everyone else what I’m feeling or personally writing out my feelings, I’ve come here. I’ve had one of my old blogs for about 10 years now. I opened it in 2010. I was only 14. But even back then I wasn’t sure of who I was. I always just wanted to fit in. But I never have. Sometimes I wonder if something is wrong with me. Even to this day, I am not incredibly social. Yeah, I’ve gone out with coworkers a couple times but that was the end of that, thankfully. Don’t get me wrong, sometimes I miss that. But not really enough to admit or say anything. Sometimes I feel bad if I never want to go anywhere. But what can I do? I’m not sure why I am the way I am. Maybe it’s cause I just realize I simply do not belong. I guess I’m alright with that. For the longest time, people have been concerned about my being to myself. I can see the concern, however I am who I am. I’m not doing anything wrong, I just keep to myself. But I truly hate those days where I cannot get a grip on the quiet nights. I love nighttime, I just get absorbed in it too often. Allowing my negative thoughts to overwhelm me. Lately, I have been feeling it at semi alarming rates. I do not wish to feel this way. I keep saying or thinking it is because Sonny’s one year is coming up. I think that is partly true, but not the only reason I feel off. I wish those medications would just cure my unhealthy mind. I don’t know how else to blow off steam, so I just continue to write posts, whether it be online or in my physical journal. I want to feel like an adult, a grown up who has it together. I feel entirely behind, and I feel like I only have myself to blame. But that cannot be true. I didn’t ask for mental illness or to even exist on this earth. I don’t hate all of my existence, there’s many things I enjoy. But my desires feel like they’re always being challenged. My mind challenges me to follow them but also to give up on my dreams. I cannot do that. It’s quite ridiculous that I cannot just stay on the healthy side of my brain. I just continue this ridiculous battle. Another thing that bothers me about me, why do I try to put off things in life that could possibly make my life much easier? I’m afraid of rejection, of people laughing at me. After all this time, you’d think I’d have a grip on it. I often hear that being normal is boring and unoriginal. But being original has it’s cons. For one, I can’t seem to get my damn life together. My birthday is next month. I cannot seem to focus on it. In order to get to my birthday, I have to face losing Sonny one year ago. I know I’ll cope with it, just like I cope with everything else, but I just feel so broken, even now. He was so important in my everyday life. Suddenly, I’m supposed to accept the fact that he isn’t by my side anymore. I miss him dearly. My world simply isn’t the same without him. I just don’t know. I don’t even know where to begin fixing my shitty life. My life is shitty because of me and only me. I guess that pisses me off because I want to blame someone else but I can’t. I can’t blame my shitty father or my douchebag of a boss. I just can’t. I gotta take a hard look in the mirror. I will however give myself credit. I did manage to get through one of the most difficult years of my life mostly alone. I did have my family and Maxxy. I did start medication. The only way is forward from here. I must be able to see the light, or I’ll just be consumed again by my depression and heartache.
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