It has been a while since my last post but I need to get this out of my system.
There have been a recent event that had resurfaced past emotions that were suppressed for many years until last night. There are some family members that my immediate family was close to at some point in our lives. We are no longer on speaking terms for several reasons. It has been over 5 years since we last spoke/seen them in person and let’s just say towards the end of dinner it got ugly.
One neutral family member brought all of us together. It was a good dinner (sort of) and it could have ended nicely, but someone had to bring past issues. The best approach to this is to agree to forgive and forget and move forward in order to repair the family relationships. Instead, someone (I’m going to name her Danielle) had to “clear the air”, meaning let the other party know what we did wrong and why they feel hurt. Which, in ways it gave us the opportunity to share our side because clearly one person refused to look at different point of views and simply painted us as bad people. But at the same time she basically went full on attack mode. I think I’m just going to recount what happened last night just for my information.
Danielle wanted to clear the air. (fine, ok). Three out of the four things had to involve someone I love (Matt). Something about overstaying his stay when he lived with aunty’s (let’s call her Patty) house, maintenance issues, all stupid shit. Matt got to explain his side which I was there to witness the occurrence. But yet it never occurred to Danielle that her mom, Patty was in the wrong and maybe she doesn’t communicate well. They too have issues between each other but I not going to get into that today.
Next Danielle moved on to me and expressed what I did to make her feel hurt. So this happened at the end of my freshman year of college. Danielle helped me move out of the dorms and drove me home to drop off my belongings. That night a party was going on at one of my friends dorm room. I asked to get a ride back to the dorms. They agreed but continues to hold a grudge of that night. They didn’t believe me that I wanted to see my friends, because they thought that I really just wanted to see Matt. This is true. Matt was also at the same party, but it technically wasn’t a lie. She feels hurt because she ASSUMED I lied about that night. She feels that she was being disloyal to my mom for giving me that ride. When truth be told mom doesn’t give a rat’s ass about that. She loves Matt and views him as her son. My mom’s opinion is the only opinion that matters.
The fact that she held on to that grudge for 7 years just reconfirms why I decided to withdraw myself from this relationship. Honestly I could have done much worse things. It would have been much different if Matt and I broke up the next week so it would have been for nothing. But the fact that Matt and I are still together and engaged (she didn’t say congrats, btw) shows that he will be family.
Anyways, this is just how Danielle has always been since I have known her my entire life. She holds on to these grudges and feels hurt over small instances when we can easily just move on. Growing up I have recall many times seeing Danielle and Patty get into screaming matches and giving cold shoulders, and for a while I thought that’s how to deal with problems. You either yell from the top of your lungs or not talk to them at all. But I have grown and matured to realize that, that is not the only way to resolve issues.
Overall the reason why I don’t see myself going back to how we used to be because I honestly don’t feel safe being around her. I feel like everything I do or say I am being judged in the worst way possible. I have felt that way towards someone before and it is just a toxic feeling. For as long as I can remember, I have always been careful with everything I had to say because they will twist and turn it back on me. I can say that I have experience mental and emotional abuse by her. She feels like she needs to put me in my place for my “wrongdoings” and belittle me for it. She has bullied me for years and I know the it is not healthy for my wellbeing. I gave her the power to scold and bully but I can’t take it anymore. She has not right to assault me to submission. She will take all the small PETTY things and turn them into negatives instead of looking at all the amazing things I have accomplished in my life. It almost seems that she is so unhappy with herself and her relationship with her mom that she will take every opportunity to create drama and me and mines.
One instance that Matt caught on to during the dinner was that whenever I talked about my life and what I have done, she would, whether it be intentionally or unintentionally start another conversation with someone just so she doesn’t hear what I have to say. Either way it was rude and I wasn’t the only one that noticed it. She says that she misses us and loves us but her actions showed no assurance. Yes, we are family and they say blood is thicker than water, but I am happy with the real family that I have with me.
The night was pretty horrible and after 5 years I can see that she is still the same nasty, ugly, grudge bearing person that I can’t stand. They think they are so high and mighty because they go to church and practice their faith but to me, it almost seemed that she needs to go to church so much because she is not happy with herself.
I just needed to let that out and despite what happened I still think we need to have another dinner with mom. She needs to tell her side of the story. Until then, next time...