Avalanche [32] - Trap
A.N: Hi my loves! 🩷 Thank you so so much for your amazing support, you've made me so happy! 🩷I hope you'll like this one as well, and please let me know what you think🩷 ILYSM, kisses! 🩷
Pairing: Robb Stark x F!Reader
Summary: Southern ploys can be ruthless.
Word Count: 8k
Check the warnings before you read, please🩷
Warnings: Angst, explicit language, adult themes, suggestive themes, miscarriage, blood, pregnancy, periods, medieval era expectations and medieval era viewpoints on marriage and gender, mentions of childbirth. MDNI- Do not read if you're under 18.
Series Masterlist
Back in the Reach, you had so few responsibilities.
After your education and court training was complete, the only things you and Margaery were expected to do was to represent your houses well whenever there was an outing, and attend every feast, celebration and tourney. Sometimes you found it difficult to choose what gown to wear or what tourney to attend, and often you had to endure your sister-in-law and her comments, but that was the only chaos you had, other than that it was all fun and games.
Winterfell was different.
Lady Stark had left the castle after Bran was attacked, to go to King’s Landing and let Lord Stark know about it, saying that she didn’t trust any messenger, nor anyone else in the Red Keep that could have access to her letters before Lord Stark could see them. She had her suspicions about the royal family considering the dagger that was found on the assassin, but she had asked you and Robb not to share it with anyone else until she was back in Winterfell. So for the last few days, you and Robb had been the lord and the lady of the castle, but now Robb had to visit Lord Hornwood, which meant he would be away for a week, leaving you in charge.
Though the thought of it caused you enough distress to give you nausea, you didn’t want him to worry or think you weren’t ready for such responsibility, so you sat in the bed with the furs wrapped around you, watching him get ready at the earliest light of the day.
“But couldn’t someone else go?”
The question made him look over his shoulder with a grin while he put his doublet on.
“Like who?”
“A messenger. A friendly envoy if you will, just within the north.”
“But who?”
“Someone else,” you said with a shrug. “I don’t know. Theon.”
He huffed out a laugh. “You think Theon, of all people, would be a good envoy?”
“Not really,” you admitted. “He’d be terrible at it, but perhaps he’d get lost on his way there. One could hope.”
“Nah, he’d still find his way back,” he commented, fixing his sleeves. “So we’d just end up disrespecting House Hornwood.”
Your stomach turned again, making you grimace but you cleared your throat, then pulled your knees up to your chest, resting your chin on them.
“Then tell Lord Hornwood he can come here rather than you going there,” you whined, aware of the petulant tone of your voice. “We’ll throw him a feast and such.”
There was a playful glint in his eyes as he made his way to bed and sat on the edge, entwining his fingers with yours before he lifted your hand to press a kiss on the back of it.
“Lord Hornwood is too old for journeys, my love,” he said. “My father visited his banners, now I must in his absence.”
You heaved a dramatic sigh, rolling your eyes.
“Come on,” he cooed. “No sulking.”
You tilted your head, your mood taking a rather strange turn for some reason that remained a mystery to you at least for now. If it were any other time, you would have remembered how Lady Olenna had once told you and Margaery that there was a big line between luring attention and demanding it, and how you were never, ever supposed to demand it in an outright manner. A lady had to be subtle in such mind games so as not to appear needy and walk the line between admiration and nonchalance expertly, however, the words that left your lips were anything but subtle:
“Does this not upset you at all?”
Robb was rather confused at your question. “What?”
“We’ll be away from each other for a week, and you’re very willing to go to Castle Hornwood,” you pointed out, making him let out a chuckle.
“Lamb…”
“I’m just saying, it bothered you before but it appears to me you’re no longer bothered but more willing, as if—” you started but the rest of your sentence was claimed in a kiss, the pestering thought disappearing into the fog in your mind. His hand cradled your cheek while your fingers curled in the front of his shirt, not willing to let him go even when he pulled back to rest his forehead against yours with a smile.
“I am both bothered and very unwilling to go to Castle Hornwood and leave you here,” he assured you, his thumb stroking your cheekbone. “It’s torment to be away from you for an hour, let alone a week. You know this.”
You traced the tip of your finger over the direwolf clasps at the front of his doublet.
“It was different, when my father was here,” he added. “Before, attending to these things was a chore. Now it’s my duty.”
Of course.
How could you forget about the biggest currency in the north along with honor?
Judging by the chuckle that vibrated deep in his chest, he could tell what you felt about duty from your mere expression.
“I’ll miss you every second of it,” he told you, nudging your nose with his before stealing another kiss from you and making you giggle, but your head whipped around when a servant knocked on the door.
“M’lord, your horse is ready.”
Your shoulders dropped as he let out a huff, then kissed you again and got up from the bed. He grabbed his cloak to fasten it while you let yourself fall back on the bed, and the moment he opened the door, Grey Wind darted inside. He jumped on the bed with a whine as if he was complaining about the trip he was being forced to go before he plopped down on you, resting his head on the furs on your stomach.
“I know, I know,” you said softly like you were speaking to a babe, scratching behind his ears. “I’ll miss you too, my sweet.”
“You spoil him too much,” Robb commented while you planted kisses on top of the direwolf’s head.
“He deserves to be spoiled,” you said, earning a yawn that turned into a small ‘awoo’. “Do you not my love? Are you the sweetest baby in the entire realm? Are you?”
“Grey Wind,” Robb said, “come. Time to go.”
The direwolf licked your hand, then jumped down from the bed with a huff to make his way out of the room, but even his gait was sulky, making you bite back a smile. Robb came closer to peck you on the lips.
“Be careful.”
“You too,” you said. “Miss me.”
“You too,” he answered with a grin before he left the bedchambers and closed the door behind him. You pouted, then let out a groan and pulled the furs over you.
“Great,” you muttered to yourself. “Very well. A week, then.”
You couldn’t go back to sleep, so you figured you’d start the day earlier than usual.
By the time you were done with your bath in your own bedchambers and your maid finished helping you with your gown and hair, your nausea was even worse due to distress. You had debated going to Maester Luwin, but you knew he was busy with Bran, so you decided to take care of it yourself and asked your maid for a cup of hot water. After she brought it to you, you gave her leave until it was time for breakfast which was more than an hour away, and put the cup on the table before you made your way to the chest of herbs Arys had brought you.
“Where are you?” you sang to yourself, going through the carefully labelled pouches in his impeccable handwriting. “Where are—yes!”
You skimmed the instructions, then took out a generous amount of mixture of leaves and put them in the cup, the smell making you scrunch up your nose. You still had to go through the ledgers the Winterfell carpenters had given you days ago, which you figured you could do while you waited for the tea to brew, so you grabbed the ledgers and the cup, then went to sit on the bed, carefully placing the cup on your bedside table and opening the ledgers on the bed. It was a rather boring task, but the outcome was going to be so lovely for so many people, so you forced yourself to go through the first couple of pages until you decided the tea was ready. You took another sniff, then held your breath and downed it in one go, grimacing at the aftertaste.
“Gods, Arys…” you grumbled to yourself. “Could’ve put something sweet in it.”
You put the cup back on your bedside, but before you could turn back to the ledgers, small yet rushed footsteps approached before the door opened and Rickon appeared at the threshold, with Shaggydog right behind him.
“Oh good morrow my sweet!” You beamed at him. “You’re awake already? It’s rather early.”
He pouted and took a trembling breath like he was on the verge of tears, causing you to push yourself off the bed to rush to him and crouch down to his eye level.
“What’s happened?”
“Robb left?” he asked, his brows furrowed. “They say he left.”
“Oh, for a week only!” you assured him, gently pinching his chubby cheek. “He’ll be back in a week. Remember how he and Lord Stark left earlier with Jon and Theon? It’ll be like that.”
“Will he see Sansa and Arya?”
“No my sweet, Sansa and Arya are in the south.”
“Will he see mother?”
“She’s also going to the south,” you managed to say. “Robb is right here in the north.”
“Where in the north?” he asked and you pretended to think for a moment.
“Remind me, which house has a bull moose on their flag?”
“House Hornwood!” he exclaimed and you gasped.
“That one, yes!”
“Their flag is orange,” he said, proud of himself for knowing it. “Orange and brown.”
“I’m told they live near,” you said. “And when Robb is back, we’ll have so much to tell him about what Winterfell was like in his absence.”
He looked over his shoulder to Shaggydog, then turned to you.
“I want to go see Frost,” he demanded. “To give her breakfast. She eats funny.”
“We can do that,” you said. “She’s probably awake already. But before we go, do you remember what I said about how we ask for things when speaking to a lady?”
He thought for a moment, a frown pinching his forehead.
“Can we go see Frost…” he mumbled. “Please?”
“Yes!” you exclaimed, clapping your hands together. “That’s such a good job, Rickon! You remember!”
He gave you a toothless smile, his giggle echoing in the room while he jumped in his spot in excitement.
“And thank you!” he added in a haste. “We say please and thank you to ladies.”
Your jaw dropped.
“You are so smart, that’s exactly what we say!” you encouraged him. “I almost forgot about that part, it’s of utmost importance!”
He nodded, his curls bouncing around his head as he did.
“Alright, let’s go to the kitchen to get some carrots,” you said as you stood up and took his small hand into yours. “And then we can go give Frost her breakfast, she’ll be so happy to see you!”
The breakfast passed without any issues, and around noon you sent your ladies-in-waiting to the seamstress because apparently Barbrey’s cousin and her husband were soon coming to Winterfell, and seeing that Barbrey wanted to make her jealous, she needed opinions on her new gown. You stayed in the Great Hall, chatting with some of the guests and listening to their many opinions about your plan to have the carpenters make toys for the children who would come to Wintertown with their mothers.
“Galbert disagrees if I must admit, but I think it’s a great idea,” Lady Erena said. “Orphans get jobs, children get toys, and their mothers get some comfort seeing their children happy.”
“Well, yes but in the upcoming winter…” Lady Lynara heaved a sigh. “My lord husband disagrees as well. He thinks it unnecessary.”
“And what do you think?” you asked her and she hummed.
“I myself think it may offer some comfort to those mothers and children, but will it not interrupt the carpenters' usual work? Teaching the craft takes time and effort. Those orphans will walk in without any skills.”
“The carpenters will be compensated for their time and effort,” you said. “And most of the orphans end up without jobs, I’ve learned. It is hard without a family.”
Lady Lynara scoffed. “Winter is hard, my lady. They must learn the ways of life without you throwing them opportunities.”
You tried not to roll your eyes at her.
“Winter is indeed hard, so it is our responsibility to make life easier to everyone who’s in need,” you said. “Of jobs or comfort or opportunities.”
Lady Erena nodded her head. “I agree wholeheartedly,” she said. “I told Galbert the same thing, we must help. For example, our sons are nearly men grown, they have no need for toys. I’ve already sent a raven back home, all the toys from when they were babes will be given to carpenters in the nearby villages, so that they’ll have an idea of what to create.”
“Thank you, Lady Erena,” you said with a bright smile. “I appreciate it.”
“Of course.”
“My lord husband says it’s a very southern way to approach winter,” Lady Lynara pointed out, and you tried to keep your expression calm.
“It is true that in the south, we don’t have people who have to move from their homes to survive the winter,” you said. “However, I truly think that if we—”
The sudden sharp pain that hit you out of nowhere took your breath away mid-sentence, and something churned in your lower abdomen, the ache familiar and strange at the same time. Lady Erena frowned slightly.
“My lady?”
Your head whipped up, and you tried to smile as if you couldn’t feel the warmth between your legs.
“Forgive me I—um,” you stammered. “I just remembered an urgent letter I must send, if you’ll excuse me.”
You left the Great Hall, walking as fast as you could with small, deliberate steps, praying to the gods that the blood sticking your underclothes to your skin would not drip to the ground until you got to the safety of your bedchambers. If it were any other time, you would have gladly stopped and chatted with multiple people in the hallway but now you could barely nod at the in acknowledgment as you passed by them. The dull throbbing got worse with every second, and it was only when you hurried into your chambers that you realized your hands had balled up into fists, your nails digging into your palms.
How long had it been since you had your last moon blood?
You quickly shed your gown down to your chemise that already had a growing red stain on it, straining your mind to remember when you’d had your last moon blood. The knife that turned in your abdomen made you double up as the wave of pain rippled through you, and you squeezed your legs in a pitiful attempt to block the blood from dripping to the ground, pressing a hand on your stomach. It made no sense, your moon blood had never been as painful on your first day, nor had it been this heavy, it always started light—
The idea crashed down on you like a ton of bricks, making your breath hitch.
…Oh.
This was not your moon blood.
Something sunk its claws into your heart, your whole body freezing in terror. For a moment, you stayed right where you were, bent from the waist, your eyes wide yet unseeing, unblinking. There was an ache at the back of your throat, a sob already forming there, but the cramps snapped you out of it and you forced yourself to take a deep breath, as shaky as it was.
“Okay,” you whispered, forcing yourself to grab at the edge of the table so that you wouldn’t lose your balance, tears burning your eyes. “Okay. You’re okay. It’s okay. You’re okay.”
It was not the tremors that ripped your breath from your lungs this time, but the utter disbelief that it was happening; it was happening to you, right here and right now, miles away from anyone you could call for help. The arm of the sofa supported you for a moment, but as soon as you took another step your legs gave out and you crumpled to the floor, swallowing a sob while you blindly pushed the plush furs aside. A strangled cry ripped itself from your chest when the invisible dagger drove deeper into your guts and you curled up on your knees, one hand shooting up to wipe your nose, the other already stained with blood—
And to your absolute terror, that was when the door opened.
“My lady, I called out but…” Jorelle stopped talking at once when she stepped in, her eyes darting over your collapsed figure and the skirt of your chemise, drenched in blood.
Oh no.
No no no, this could not be happening.
Jorelle was the last person who was supposed to see you like this. She was the one whom the north loved and supported, the one who they thought was the better option for your status; the very same status that was now hanging by a thread, with you bleeding on the floor. Anyone who saw you in this situation would be able to tell what was happening, and the moment the word got out, the moment the north suspected you were unable to provide an heir to House Stark?
It wouldn’t matter how much Robb loved you, or how much you mesmerized him.
You were no fool, you knew very well how it worked. Beyond uniting your families, beyond all those grains and food your family would provide the north in winter and beyond how much House Stark would pull your family up in influence and power and status, this marriage had one, very specific expectation from you and Robb; to make sure the Stark bloodline continued.
An heir and a spare, minimum.
Though there were exceptions, the lack of heirs in a marriage usually came with two options, the annulling of the said marriage, or the husband siring heirs from a mistress and legitimizing them. In both of those options, you and your reputation would be dragged through the mud, and you would either be sent away with the whole realm knowing the reason, or you would turn into a living ghost right here in Winterfell, with no influence, no power, no respect or love.
And those banners and important families of the north would push Jorelle into the picture, especially now that she was the one who had caught you in such position and was surely going to use this to her advantage, as every other lady in the south would have.
It was all but a gift to her by the gods.
If you weren’t rendered speechless by the fear that took your body and mind hostage, you could’ve at least tried to come up with an excuse, as feeble and weak as it would’ve been. Jorelle seemed as frozen as you were, but her head whipped around when the chattering of the servants got louder with approaching footsteps. Her hand shot up to grab the door handle to pull it to herself when it rattled, your eyes widening as you pushed yourself to sit up, your whole body shaking.
“No—” you started but she shushed you, then opened the door just a little to slip through the crack and closed it before anyone could peek inside.
“Would you like to be louder?” She snapped at the servants at the door. “My lady is taking a nap, and she does not want to be disturbed. Shall I tell her whatever you’re talking of is more important than her rest, or would you like to shout into her bedchambers while you’re at it?”
The servants mumbled something you couldn’t hear.
“And Kyra, I expected better from you.”
“I apologize, m’lady. I was just going to check whether—”
“She doesn’t want to be disturbed,” Jorelle repeated. “Nor does she want anyone’s chatter or footsteps in the hallway, her sleep is very light. Make sure everyone stays away from this hallway until she wakes up.”
“Of course, m’lady.”
The sound of footsteps grew faint and Jorelle entered the bedchambers again, bolted the door, and rushed to you.
“Is that what I think it is?” she asked. “Do you want me to get Maester Luwin?”
Pain burned down your lower back, and there were tears in your eyes, but that didn’t stop you from gritting your teeth to force yourself to glare at her.
“No,” you managed to say, your voice hoarse as you wiped the sweat off your forehead. “It’s just my moon blood, leave me be.”
Jorelle gave you an exasperated look before she ran to the corner of the room to grab the fresh towels for your morning baths. She helped you up, then slipped the towel under you and gently sat you down, a worried frown pinching her brows while you tried your hardest to mimic Margaery despite the cold sweat dripping down your back.
“If you utter a word of this—”
“I won’t,” she cut you off. “This goes to the grave with me, I swear it by the old gods and the new.”
That made you pause halfway through your threat.
“And so will what you’re going to answer me right now,” she said. “Has anything happened before the wedding? With Lord Robb or anyone else?”
“What? No!”
“If it was conceived on your wedding night, at most it’s been six weeks,” she murmured more to herself. “That’s good. That’s early. Bleeding should stop in a couple of hours, the worst part at least—my castle is quite crowded,” she added when she saw the quizzical look on your face. “You’re not the first woman I’ve seen who’s having a miscarriage.”
You wetted your dry lips. “If anyone hears…”
“They won’t, because once the bleeding lessens, we’ll burn the towels in the hearth,” she said. “Things get lost in a big castle all the time. No one will ever know, including the servants.”
You winced when you tried to shift your weight, your movements rigid and short. She hesitated for a second, her eyes darting over your face before she reached out to take your hand between hers, making your head snap around.
“It’ll help,” she said with an apologetic smile. “Not with the pain I’m afraid, but the rest.”
You opened your mouth and closed it again when no sound came out, so you gulped and tried again.
“Thank you,” you managed to say, and she squeezed your hand in an attempt to assure you.
“It’ll be okay.”
No it wouldn’t.
You knew it wouldn’t, so did she.
But neither of you could do anything but just sit there and stare at the flames in the hearth, waiting for it to pass.
Jorelle was right, the worst part of bleeding was the first hour, and though the deep ache were still there, you were either getting used to it, or it was getting slightly better. Silence filled the room for almost an hour, the only sound your gasps of pain from time to time along with the crackling of wood in the hearth.
But after a while, you forced yourself to swallow the lump in your throat and turned to her.
“You didn’t have to help me.”
“Yes I did.” She shrugged her shoulders. “I’ve been trying to tell you since we met, I have no intention nor desire to be your enemy.”
You would have laughed if you had the energy. “The whole north thinks otherwise.”
“I care not what they think,” she said. “I don’t know why people are under the impression that I’m somehow a rival to you, but I’m not. There was only friendly affection and a promise of potential companionship between me and Lord Robb, and contrary to what everyone seems to think, I am not devastated over our broken arrangement, if you can even call it that. There wasn’t a betrothal.”
“No,” you admitted. “There wasn’t. But you know how these things work, if they wanted to push you...”
“They can push me all they want, I won’t move,” she said. “I won’t. He is in love with you, and you’re in love with him, what others hope for does not matter. Besides, even if you two weren’t in love, I still would not try to jam myself in between, I respect myself way too much to do that.”
Well, that hadn’t crossed your mind before.
This kind of thinking simply didn’t exist in the south. If there was any possibility of more power, no one stopped to think before they stabbed people in the back, personal feelings and pride and respect all came second when one could climb higher in status even at the expense of others.
And most of the time, it was indeed at the expense of others.
“Anyone else in your place would not hesitate,” you couldn’t help but point out, “back in the south.”
“This is not the south,” she said. “Things in the north work a bit differently. For which I’m glad.”
For some reason you doubted that; power was tempting, in the south or the north.
“And your family?”
Jorelle made a face.
“Well, my mother hates you,” she said with a chortle. “I wouldn’t take it personally. Everyone in the north wanted their daughter to wed Lord Robb, she’s no exception, though she was more intense than any other. I used to think she wanted me to wed him more than I wanted to wed him.” She paused for a moment. “Now to think of it, I’d say she wanted to wed him more than I did.”
A burst of hysterical laughter escaped you and echoed in the room, surprising even yourself.
“I’d keep an eye on her if I were you,” she added, a grin playing on her lips. “She is as ambitious as a southron, and she would indeed leave my father for your husband.”
Gods, this was the worst time to be laughing.
Yet, you didn’t seem to be able to stop yourself even though you covered your mouth in an attempt to muffle the sound. You doubled over, resting a hand on the floor to support yourself while your shoulders shook, tears running down your cheeks from amusement or the pain, you could no longer tell. A hiccup escaped you, the ache in your chest as heavy as the one in your abdomen while you tried to breathe through the sobs and Jorelle sat up straighter.
“No no no, we’re not crying right now,” she said in a rush. “We’re not crying, we’re talking of other things—um, so I didn’t tell you because you hated me, but funny thing, speaking of southrons, your brother asked me to be his mistress.”
Your head whipped up, your vision still blurry with tears while she nodded with wide eyes.
“I know,” she said. “I came up with one thousand retorts since he left. I’ve been writing them down, and I think I’ll turn it into a book and send it to Dorne on a ship.”
“Which—what?” you stammered, already distracted. “Which one?”
“Of the ships?”
“Of my brothers!”
“Perceon.”
“Perce?!” you exclaimed and wiped your nose in a haste. “Seven hells, Perce was who you were talking about in the kitchens?”
“Oh yes.”
“But you—I didn’t—” You hiccupped, trying to pick the right words. “I wasn’t aware you two were…”
“I’m as confused as you are, because we were not.” She motioned at you, flailing her arms. “We danced at your wedding, and then at the Harvest Feast, and I thought, well, he is very handsome.” A blush spread over her pale cheeks. “So I didn’t mind him courting me, but he wasn’t courting me. He asked me to be his mistress right after he almost kissed me.”
“Almost kissed you?” You sniffled. “He asked you to be his mistress before you two even kissed?”
“As I’ve said before. The audacity.”
You rolled your eyes.
“The twins came after Arys, so Arys claimed their share of wit in advance,” you said. “That’s why he’s so smart and Perce is an idiot. I apologize for his behavior, I’ll make sure to smack him when I see him again.”
“But is that what southrons do?”
“Things work differently in Dorne, and Perce belongs more in Dorne than the Reach at this point,” you said. “Mistresses in Dorne have official titles, and they have all the luxuries and none of the responsibilities of the wives. And he won’t wed, so he probably thought it was a good offer—though, this is the first time I hear a man asking a lady to be his mistress before a kiss.”
Her cheeks got redder as she fixed her gaze in the hearth.
“I was going to kiss him before that,” she admitted. “I wanted to, but then I got scared because I was worried I’d be, I don’t know, bad at it—gods, you must think me a fool.”
“I don’t,” you assured her, shaking your head. “I wouldn’t. I was terrified of being bad at it too.”
“Was Lord Robb your first kiss?”
That made you scoff a laugh.
“No.” Margaery’s face flashed before your eyes and you tried to focus. “No, I had a lot of…practice—but the Reach is different!” you added in a haste. “We have different customs and education. The North is stricter in such matters, and you have different priorities.”
“It wouldn’t hurt to have some knowledge,” she grumbled, her shoulders dropping. “The south got that right, at least. Some of the north dislikes you yes, but they all agree that Lord Robb is mesmerized by you.”
There was a fist clenching your heart, but you managed to give her a smile.
“Oh, don’t worry,” you rasped out and gestured at the towels you were sitting on, stained in deep red. “I’m on borrowed time.”
She frowned. “That’s untrue.”
“Come on.” You let out a dry laugh. “You know what it means if it started like this.”
“I do know what it means, it means nothing,” she insisted. “My mother lost a babe on her fourth moon before my brother, but she carried my brother very easily, with little to none sickness. My cousin, she had three miscarriages, and now she has twins. Granted they’re little brats, but they’re very healthy, growing like beanstalks.”
You blinked back the tears, swallowing the lump in your throat.
“And how many miscarriages do you think I’d be allowed to have until the north started whispering?” you asked. “Until all the prominent families started pushing Robb for a replacement, for an heir? They already dislike me, already looking for a fault.”
“He loves you—”
“We’re in the north, Jo,” you muttered. “You tell me what’s more important in the north, love or duty?”
“Loyalty,” she answered. “Loyalty is of most importance in the north, it means everything here. And one miscarriage means nothing at all. You and your husband are young and healthy, you apparently conceived on your wedding night, you’ll easily do it again.”
You turned your bracelet around your wrist, your gaze fixed on it as you sniffled.
“You’ll see I speak the truth once the pain passes.” She pushed herself to her feet. “Our maester told my mother to drink water during this, it’s better to be safe.”
She moved about in the room and grabbed the cup that you had drank your tea from earlier to dispose of the pulp, but she stopped dead in her tracks, falling quiet. You looked up from your bracelet and shifted your weight on the towel, pointing at the table.
“There’s another cup over there—”
She cut you off, her voice stern: “Who served you this tea?”
“No one,” you said. “I made it, it’s for nausea.”
Jorelle lifted the cup to her nose to sniff it, then shook her head. “Who told you it was for nausea?”
“My brother Arys brought me many herbs, they’re over there,” you said as she rushed to the chest you were pointing at, then lifted the lid to find the pouch in it. She untied it to spill the crushed leaves into her palm, her frown deepening.
“Did your brother oppose this marriage?”
“No,” you said. “All of them support it. Why?”
“Then you told someone else what was in the chest?”
“No, I—why do you ask?”
“This is not for nausea,” she told you. “This is moon tea.”
Confusion crashed down on you and you stared at her before you huffed out a laugh.
“It’s not,” you argued. “Of course it’s not, it’s for nausea. Arys made sure to write clear instructions on everything, especially after the wedding. He would never make such mistake.”
“I’ve seen moon tea before, this is moon tea.” She held out her hand to show the herbs in her palm. “One of my maids had to drink it in secret, I was with her. I swear to you, it looks and smells like this. And you’re supposed to take it with honey to help with the pain, you’re not supposed to just brew it and drink it as it is.”
You pushed yourself to your feet, ignoring the warning tone of her voice when she said your name as she took a step towards to catch you in case you fell. The skirt of your chemise was drenched in blood—most of which dried down, sticking the fabric to your skin, making you grimace. The room spun around you, but you forced yourself to focus, blinking away the dots flying in your vision.
If she was not mistaken, if it was moon tea, that meant this was no natural miscarriage. This was not the first sign of a lifelong distress of trying for heirs only to lose them again and again, with the threat of being replaced hanging over your head, this was—
Jorelle’s voice snapped you out of your thoughts. “Who else knew about these herbs?”
“No one,” you said, approaching the chest on shaky legs. “Only my lady maid whom I’d trust with my life. She was here when I ate a sort of root to relax my mind before the wedding, she disagreed but then Eli—”
The thought hit you so hard that your breath caught in your throat and you took a step back, unable to tear your gaze from the chest.
Elinor.
That was what she was doing in your room the morning of their departure, at dawn when everyone else was asleep and you were supposed to be in Robb’s bedchambers. She had seen that chest, she had seen you close it, she could’ve easily sneaked into your bedchambers and…
“Elinor,” you rasped through frozen lips. “My brother Alton’s wife. She did this.”
“But why?”
“Because I—we—” you stammered, the hot rage spreading through your veins like poison. “We had a fight, and I told her I’d ask Robb to march his men to the Reach and root Alton out of his castle to replace him with another brother of mine, and I told her he’d do as I asked. It was a mere bluff because she attacked me and…” you trailed off. “She must have swapped the pouches.”
“She did this because you had a fight?”
“What’s the first sign of pregnancy?” you asked through your teeth. “Nausea. She swapped moon tea with nausea tea, because then I’d be drinking moon tea every single time I got pregnant, and I’d lose it every single time. In front of Robb. Over and over again.”
Her jaw dropped. “What?”
“She wanted to make sure he’d stop loving me, because if he stopped loving me, I’d hold no power,” you managed to say. “All the power I have here goes through him, she knows that. What better way to ensure he wouldn’t be mesmerized by me any longer? Everyone would be asking for an heir and I…”
How dare she?
A snarl twitched your lips, your nails biting into your palms. You squeezed your eyes shut to get rid of the red haze of anger clouding your vision, a thousand needles pricking the top of your head and spreading to your temples. All traces of pain sunk deep under a wave of fury tensing your muscles, the pounding in your ears getting louder and louder until Jorelle spoke.
“I wouldn’t last a day in the south,” she stated, her voice muffled like you were underwater as you opened your eyes again. “This is too much plotting.”
You swayed on your feet for only a second before your spine straightened like a puppet with its strings pulled, as if the southern courtier in you had decided that this was enough slouching with or without the pain; chin up, shoulders squared, a small, yet feral smile baring your teeth. It was clear from Jorelle’s worried gaze on you that you looked rather deranged; the skirt of your chemise drenched in blood, your legs and hands stained red, wisps of hair that were carefully pinned into a braid in the morning now sticking to your forehead with sweat.
When you spoke, your voice didn’t even sound like your own: “Not a good one.”
“Hm?”
“Not a good one,” you repeated. “I’ll survive. She will not.”
“You—”
“I can be patient,” you said, nodding to yourself. “I can and I will be, and I’ll wait for the right time, but I’m going to kill her. I’m going to kill her, and then I’m going to kill Alton if he knew and didn’t tell me.”
“You might not have to lift a finger, when Lord Robb hears—”
“He won’t hear.”
“He won’t hear?” she repeated with a tilt of her head. “I understand not telling anyone else, but you won’t tell him either?”
“No,” you said, a strange calmness settling in your mind like a fog. “There are only two people in the world who I could tell about this, both miles away from me. I love Robb with all my heart, but he is not one of them.”
“He’s your husband.”
“And that’s the reason,” you said. “You wanted to learn about the southern ways to mesmerize someone, did you not? Here’s the first lesson. You cannot do anything to break the illusion. Ever.”
“You must be jesting,” she said. “You love him, surely you trust him.”
“This has nothing to do with love or trust, this is survival.”
“Survival?”
You weighed the words in your mind, then scrunched up your nose.
“I recognize that parenting styles are different in the north and the south,” you said, “but in the Reach, me and Margaery and all my friends, we were all taught one thing from the moment we could walk, something they apparently don’t teach anywhere else in the realm. Every castle that isn’t your home is a trap waiting to swallow you the second you take the wrong step.” You pointed at the cup. “This is the wrong step.”
“But how is this the wrong step?” she asked. “He won’t blame you. This was your sister-in-law’s doing, you couldn’t have known.”
“No,” you admitted. “No I couldn’t have, but it matters not. This is how you play the court game, this is why everyone sleeps with one eye open in the south. Robb loves me yes, he would—he would console me, yes.” You gulped when your voice cracked. “But in the long run, it’s still the wrong step. Love is one thing, heirs are another. And if he…”
Every word was a hot coal burning your throat, but you willed yourself to focus.
“It all comes down to power, I’m afraid,” you murmured. “Once you have it, you sink your teeth and your claws in, and you don’t let go. It’s no different than trying to survive in battle, I just make it look pretty.”
A breath of disbelief left her as if the thought hadn’t occurred to her before, and you dragged the tip of your tongue over your bottom lip.
“I love Robb,” you added. “I do. I genuinely love him, which is more dangerous than any other court scheme. But that doesn’t change the fact that my power here, it’s linked to him. My status, my influence, how involved I am in decisions, it all depends on his feelings for me. That’s why I can’t risk it, I can’t afford any flaws.”
“This is no flaw,” she managed to say, and you shrugged your shoulders.
“No, but this is something he might bring up when he’s angry,” you said. “People say all kinds of things when they’re angry. I’m not going to break the illusion just so that he can use the shards to hurt me.”
A stunned silence fell upon the room and you fixed your hair, ignoring how badly your hand was shaking.
“So, this simply never took place,” you said, making her head whip up. “We will burn the towels as you said, and we will burn my chemise, and I will have the maids draw me a bath. And once that’s done, that’s it.”
“My lady…”
“Nothing happened,” you told her, your eyes locked in hers. “I came here, I took a nap, woke up and had my moon blood. Nothing more.”
It was clear from the expression on her face that she wanted to argue, and though she pursed her lips, it seemed that she still couldn’t stop herself.
“Does it not get tiring?” she blurted out. “Looking at everything that way?”
The simple question pulled your lips into a wry smile and you blinked back the tears, a dull ache making its way to your temples.
“It’s exhausting,” you admitted. “But I don’t have any other windows to look through.”
She held your gaze captive for a moment, the defiant light in her eyes melting into something else entirely; sadness or compassion, you couldn’t tell. An exhale left her, and she shook her head slightly like she couldn’t believe you or herself before she clicked her tongue.
“Very well then,” she ended up saying. “As you wish. Nothing happened.”
You were no stranger to performing.
It was second nature to you at this point. You, Silas, Margaery, Loras, you were all masters at keeping the mask on and not letting it slip, no matter how heavy it got. Even when you were sick, even when Silas was heartbroken, even when Margaery was angry and Loras was frustrated, that teasing courtier smile didn’t falter, nor did the straight posture or playful words.
It’s your armor, Lady Olenna used to say. Only a fool takes off their armor in front of the enemy.
And you were no fool back in the Reach, and you certainly were no fool here in Winterfell, miles away from every member of your family.
So, you did exactly what you said you were going to do. Once the bleeding lessened, you and Jorelle burnt the towels and your chemise, you changed into a new chemise and asked the maids to draw you a scorching hot bath where you spent nearly an hour, scrubbing at your flesh until the water went cold.
It was all without forethought, like you were sleepwalking.
You would’ve thought you were indeed asleep, if it weren’t for the knife turning deep in your abdomen.
You changed into a gown, made sure to put not just one or two, but three folded pieces of linen cloth in your undergarments, then sat in front of the mirror so that your maid could do your hair while your ladies-in-waiting chattered in the room; Wylla and Lyra disagreeing about some northern lady, and Alys and Barbrey talking about Barbrey’s new gown.
Yet, no amount of chatter could distract Jorelle from watching you like a hawk.
She did join the discussion from time to time, whether to make sure Wylla and Lyra’s discussion didn’t escalate, or answering Alys and Barbrey’s questions about Barbrey’s gown and the seamstress’ suggestions on it, but you could tell she was still worried about you. She had suggested you would take your dinner in your bedchambers, saying that sometimes she did the same on the first day of her moon blood because it made her tired, all the girls agreeing with her.
But with everyone away, it fell on you to host the guests and show them good hospitality as the lady of the castle, and attending dinner with them was a way for that.
The pain had mostly subdued. It felt more like your moon blood and less like a miscarriage, but now you had the most painful throbbing in your temples that didn’t even tolerate the candlelight while you walked down the hallway with your ladies-in-waiting around you.
“And as I was saying, she claims blue will look better—”
“It will look better.”
“But purple is more eye-catching. Wylla agrees, do you not Wylla?”
“Deep purple or light purple?”
“Wait, which one do you think is better?”
“Deep purple.”
“But the beads we bought looked better on blue.”
“Jo, what do you think?”
“I don’t know, I wasn’t there,” Jorelle brushed Barbrey off, walking beside you. “My lady, I must insist that we cut this dinner short, you have been awake since early hours of the morning, you said.”
“She does have a point, you look rather tired,” Lyra added, brutally honest as always. “Your eyes are bloodshot, perhaps you need some rest.”
You did need rest.
You had no idea whether it was the blood loss or the pain, or the emotional toll of the day, but you felt so tired. Your maid had prepared you a bag full of hot stones that had been in the hearth, so that you could press it on your stomach to help with the cramps, and you had already decided you’d have it with you tonight in bed as well, perhaps that could help you sleep the exhaustion away.
One could hope.
“I’ll retire to my bedchambers afterwards,” you said, your voice calm and composed. “However, we must—”
The hallway spun around you for a moment, making you stop dead in your tracks. Your hand shot up to the wall so that you could support yourself, the voices growing faint with the blood rushing in your ears, heat creeping up your spine while your ladies-in-waiting rushed to you.
“My lady?”
No.
No, you were not going to do that.
You were not going to collapse and give anyone any reason to think you were anything but alright, that was how the whispers started.
You blinked away the black dots flying in your vision and forced yourself to take a breath, your hand slipping from the wall so that you could wipe the cold sweat off your forehead, then cleared your throat.
“I’m alright.”
Wylla and Jorelle exchanged glances.
“Shall I go fetch Maester Luwin?”
“There’s no need for that,” you said, your heart slamming against your ribcage, “thank you.”
“Maybe Jo is right, let’s go back.”
“That’s what I’ve been saying, thank you!”
“Aye, I don’t even like these people.”
“Lyra!”
“Wha—I don’t!”
“We can eat in your bedchambers my lady, I’ll tell one of the maids—”
“No,” you said. “We’re attending dinner here.”
“You look like you’re about to faint,” Lyra insisted while you let yourself linger in your spot for a moment, still swaying on your feet before you took a deep breath.
Nothing had happened.
And nothing was happening.
“I’m perfectly fine,” you managed to say. “Trust me.”
Your legs were still trembling, pain was churning your insides, and your hands were clammy, but you straightened your back, lifted your chin, and plastered that well-trained courtier smile on your face, then walked into the Great Hall.
tags
@sarcasm-n-insomnia @petitemouse @nerd-without-a-cause @fakeeldestdaughter @finnickfoxes @alwaysadreamingoptimist @demigoddesofchimichangagod @mickie-rosebud @davnwillcome @unsurereader @haliyarobin @satanicstorm @slowgabinaburninroom @cloverlilies @xoxabs88xox @captainsbestgal @beyond-the-ashes @ofstarsandvibranium @eriksfavstudent @hangirl93 @fearofwater13 @wandabillywrites @yourgirlniki @lex-black @cloudnessvi @shadowytragedytrash @rebeccawinters @bucketbarnesss @kmc1989 @smoooore @babydolllovehouse @witty-wallflower @celestair @lunamoonbby @anotherimaginesaccount @you-bleed-just-toknowyouarealive @ilovemarauders @brianna-merlim @elite4cekalyma @majknn @pinkpantheris @scriptedinkbyxim @asoiafraven @serakyla @kakorrhaphiphobia @nommingonfood @nanamiina @skyline-night @thercher @l0ckedtomb @tremendousstarlighttragedy @grace-loves-to-read
