Life check point - What do I want out of life?
Reading pass Tumblr post and I am just shocked out how much hasn't changed in terms of my life.
Anxiety is still a problem, still scared of death, and the big one, I still don't know what I want out of life.
It seems I keep asking the universe for the same things I already had and it keeps giving something better. In one post, I wanted a group of friends like the MCA or like my childhood, it gave something similar and either I don't recognize it or I want it to last forever which is unrealistic.
Do I honestly want people to kiss my ass? Do I want continuous validation because I can't give it to myself? Or is this as simple as I am just living life. Like we will have some good days and then some bad? Am I trying to eliminate evil forever for myself? My brother is still the same way and hasn't changed. My old friend group is still the same way and hasn't changed. Have I changed at all either?
Do I need to? If I am being honest, I think I finally figured out the secret sauce for my happiness this time. My mom got me into a intense therapy program this time for my anxiety and I can finally identify how my anxiety has been controlling my entire life. I really hope this new information helps. In the sense, I am trying a different approach of facing my mental demons and focusing on myself probably for the first time in my adult life. Because I promise to myself, I will achieve peace of mind for myself. Even if it kills me. Like a friend use to say to me, I am focusing on my world.
Not my friends, not my coworkers, not my mother's or brother's....my world.
Deep in my core, I know I want to fall in love and have my life be boring for a while. Go to work, collect my money, do my side hustles, buy the occasional action figure, go to therapy and use this time to enjoy my life as it is. And for once not ask for anything more. Be content with I already have, which is quite a bit.
Finally give myself the permission to be content.