this turned out to be a long response, i went off track as well, so i’ll just put it under the thingy
i’ll assume you meant grew out :) i’m glad you got that! for me… i guess i’m a bit conflicted when it comes to that. on one hand, yes, it’s very freeing to not have to direct your feelings onto something like that, and so much energy as well, it’s quite tiring, isn’t it? but on the other hand, to me that in itself was some sort of an ‘escape’, which i don’t have anymore, and now some things feel very (much too) real. so, for example, there are moments when i wish i could write again, because that felt very nice and like i was doing something that was almost worth something, even though the subject was what it was, lol, but i can’t, i’m much too disinterested for it to give me that feeling still, and i’m not sure there would be space for it anymore as i’ve become aware of the ability to have my own feelings, the way they are, not just fill the gap/avoid it by making up fictional feelings and playing pretend until they start blending into…well, me! i think it was pretty obvious that a lot of my later ‘writing’ became almost excessively personal and it was less ‘i’d want alex like this’ and more ‘i want this feeling for myself’, heavily projecting stuff etc. and that’s also when i realised that maybe it’s not okay? it was a lot, and this (reality) is a lot too. uncertainty and confusion are two ‘places’ where i find myself a lot but i think that’s okay.
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