this turned out to be a long response, i went off track as well, so iāll just put it under the thingy
iāll assume you meant grew out :) iām glad you got that! for meā¦ i guess iām a bit conflicted when it comes to that. on one hand, yes, itās very freeing to not have to direct your feelings onto something like that, and so much energy as well, itās quite tiring, isnāt it? but on the other hand, to me that in itself was some sort of an āescapeā, which i donāt have anymore, and now some things feel very (much too) real. so, for example, there are moments when i wish i could write again, because that felt very nice and like i was doing something that was almost worth something, even though the subject was what it was, lol, but i canāt, iām much too disinterested for it to give me that feeling still, and iām not sure there would be space for it anymore as iāve become aware of the ability to have my own feelings, the way they are, not just fill the gap/avoid it by making up fictional feelings and playing pretend until they start blending intoā¦well, me! i think it was pretty obvious that a lot of my later āwritingā became almost excessively personal and it was less āiād want alex like thisā and more āi want this feeling for myselfā, heavily projecting stuff etc. and thatās also when i realised that maybe itās not okay? it was a lot, and this (reality) is a lot too. uncertainty and confusion are two āplacesā where i find myself a lot but i think thatās okay.
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