Rants about life, Metal, Marvel and maybe some art here, folks. I used to love doing reviews, but now I just like talking about my life and stuff. So if you're into that sort of thing, welcome! For anything else, just ask.
Hey Gang!
I recently started an Anime Rewatch Project since moving into my new place. (That box was really heavy and I feel guilty for barely watching any of these in the last place).
So I decided to be creative. I'd rewatch everything from my collection in an alternating alphabetical order to keep it interesting.
(AZBYCX etc)
I'm still not sure exactly how I want to talk about rewatching them, but it's still worth mentioning what was going on at the time and how I feel about them now on the Rewatch.
Berserk!
This anime is a top-fave. It was since I was introduced to it in 07, and nearly 20 years later, absolutely nothing has changed. Including the cliffhangers! (Come on already!! Let's get a proper ending for this thing!!!). I know about the sad death of Kentaro Miura from 2023 and that his Manga isn't entirely finished (although he does have Notes on how it should end). I just wonder if it truly will finish, and even so, if a proper continuation and ending would truly be adapted.
Berserk 2016/2017 was awful... I'm glad that exists at least, but that ends on a cliffhanger too!
On this Rewatch, I threw it on while putting together a new bookshelf for my comics. It was kind of background for the proper show in 97. I was currently seeking new employment, so it was perfect entertainment or a reward while I was going through that as well.
2. X
I paired my watching of Berserk 97 with this. (Sort of like an Anime Afternoon block to help shape my days). Boy was the tone drastically different. This time I had to pay more attention. I recall moving boxes on the 1st episode and already being very lost as to why our characters were going after each other. But even when paying attention, I found myself lost to the motivations.
I was on a serious anime kick when I first bought this in 2011. The more fantastical fights with explosions and brooding dialogue, the better.
These days, at 41, I need a little more than that. I'm sorry, but this just wasn't it. The watching almost became obligatory, by the end. Still, this was a comfort show after coming home from Interviews and waiting for the next thing to happen.
I feel like I ended both Berserk 97 & X around the same time.
(But Berserk wasn't done yet.)
3. Black Blood Brothers
I'm going to admit to you. I didn't give a fuck about the rewatch of this one. 12 episodes long on 3 disks made for a very short watch. I got through the first 4 episodes easily while putting an A/C in our Bedroom. The tone was somewhere between light and heavy. The violence paled in comparison to Berserk or X, but there were still sword slashes or gunshots to our Vampire guy who was a blatant Hellsing ripoff. The virgin CIA friend thing did nothing for me both times.
When I first bought the anime it was in 2010. Another new thing to watch as I added to my collection. It did what it had to do.
For the rewatch? It lacked depth. I remembered the surprise-reveal at the end about the "Black Blood Brother" if you will, so that lacked any significance to me. I guess you could say this was Style over Substance.
In between watching these, I paralleled them with the 2012 Berserk Movies, which promised a return with more! I'm very grateful for the resolution of the Eclipse Arc, but also extremely resentful of their promise that "this is only the beginning", knowing that it pivoted to the awful Berserk 2016 Project...
4. Yu Yu Hakusho -
Onto bigger and better things though. I purposely waited to watch this one, just because I didn't want to pair it with Berserk in the beginning. This is an absolute Top 5 Favorite as well, and that feeling will never change.
It's still ongoing, but I paired my Season 1 rewatches with Black Cat. It was very even at first with Yuske's Ordeal Arc, and Genkai's Tournament, but once I got to the 4 St. Beasts of Maze Castle arc, the ep #s and discs were hard to keep track of. At this point, I got the job and it was my reward when coming home to unwind. I got through Yukina's Rescue arc before Black Cat wrapped up, which is good, because it's about to get amazing right before Season 2.
5. Black Cat -
Ya know? I was really looking forward to this one. This was another 2010 Purchase that "spoke to me" in my 20's, but now I feel like it really falls flat. I liked paralleling a Shonen with a Shonen though at least. The fight choreography in this show is severely lacking however, especially compared to that of YuYu. I never read the Manga, but it's very clear that this show was rushed. They cram a lot of development for Train Heartnet in the first 4-6 episodes, that by the time we establish his main villain in Creed, and who the Team is for the journey, it feels like he's a whole damn different character! And that's only Episode 8 or so.
I recall even in 2010, being disappointed at how the show was turning into a Monster of the Week sort of thing, with the initial Sweeper jobs, however when the Apostles of the Star introduced themselves, I appreciated the overarching villains that would return. I also liked that The Chronos Numbers were more of a gray organization, and not just strictly after Black Cat. I remember liking most of the character designs and powers. The tone was alright, but it would get silly at times.
Again, this was better received in my 20s, than 40s.
I do not remember the main story wrapping up at Episode 20. At all.
The last 4 episodes are a whole new rushed arc, which kind of puts everyone together to make sure a final world-ending event doesn't occur. Dude, I fell asleep! It was over without much of a real resolve.
It was one of those feelings like, "Oh. Okay..." I felt like it ended because time ran out, or that they were only allotted 24 episodes. If they insisted on ending it this way, I almost feel that it would've been much better if it was 26 or 28 episodes long.
(But really, they just should've ended it at 20...)
And that's annoying to me, because I remember really liking this one.
I recall enjoying that we kept meeting new characters and "adding to the team" if you will. I almost feel like if I dove deeper, it'd become a fascination of how I would've handled it differently. Almost as if that's why I keep it around. But I'm not sure if or when I'll be rewatching that anime again. Sometimes I feel like this project is to say I watched them again before letting them go. I spent enough money on them in the first place, ya know??
But as far as what's next, I'm really looking forward to continuing my YuYu watching going as Cashan/Cashern is next! That's going to be a very interesting pairing. There's enough episodes, that that might run out YuYu completely. I'm not sure.
But either way, it'll be cool to watch them and see how the two compare stylistically.
Good | Mid | Bad | # | All? | Quit?
16 | 1 | 0 | 17 | Y | N |
This was incredibly fun and challenging to go through! I love the entire discography of all 17 Iron Maiden albums. At first I determined all of these Good, which would equate to a perfect 100 on a general scale.
For that reason, I knew I had to give this band the treatment.
Only after the fact did I determine that "The Final Frontier" was a more Middling Experience for me. Even still, my lowest grade of the albums was an 85%, while the highest was 100. Most were 97-99.
I averaged them all up for a sweet score of 96%!
I'm very happy to have them in my Top Spot:
Iron Maiden - 96%
Deftones - 95%
COC -Â 90%
In Flames - 86%
Fear Factory - 75%
Dream Theater -Â 73%
Gojira - 64%
Black Sabbath -Â 62%
I can definitely proudly call this my favorite band, followed closely by Deftones. Unlike the rest, I love all of their albums - even the awkward first few, (which aren't that awkward). They had a strong start at the jump with Paul D'ianno, offering up more of a punk experience.
The Number of the Beast was quite a dive in evolution with Bruce Dickinson's debut. The more epic elements were in there, but that punk influence was still present with Clive Burr on drums.
Piece of Mind introduced Nicko McBrain on drums and once again the sound evolved exponentially. This one and Powerslave, I feel are Peak Iron Maiden as they really found their sound with epic, melodic Brit Metal. I love Somewhere in Time & Seventh Son of a Seventh Son possibly the most for their super synthy 80's sound.
No Prayer for the Dying got the surprising 100, believe it or not. They introduced a darker, scaled back sound as Adrian Smith left the band and Janick Jers entered in his place. Fear of the Dark was a significant step up, but unfortunately a step out for Bruce as well.
X Factor & Virtual XI featured Blaze Bayley take Bruce Dickinson's place. I recall being nervous that I wouldn't like these as much, but his voice is actually really nice and fit their sound just fine. X Factor really stepped more into Prog and I liked that. For a while 11 was my absolute favorite, but with a closer look, Angel & The Gambler is such a stinker for me.
Brave New World was the Triumphant Return of Bruce Dickinson and Adrian Smith. [It was around this time that I discovered them in the first place and played a serious game of catch up with my albums in order. By 2002, I had everything right in time for their next album.]. Dance of Death was my first current Iron Maiden album. That one is special to me for that reason. It's also rock solid. I was surprised to see that I like Dance of Death more than Brave New World, but that's how it shook out.
A Matter of Life and Death is interesting, because I hear a lot of X Factor, progressive elements returning. I like a lot of what is going on here, but when everything is an epic, you have to get more critical.
The Final Frontier was such a disappointment for me. Really, it's just that intro, which did NOT have to be that long to get to the actual song. I also really didn't appreciate the Rockstar Intro & Outro of the next song El Dorado. The rest of the album is fine, with the occasional song falling back into older ideas or just not hitting so strong. This was my only Mid Album with an 85% (which isn't that low of a score).
The Book of Souls & Senjutsu are the latest albums and the two I have listened to the Least, unfortunately, however with that said, I do like them both a lot. Book of Souls is a 2 disc album based on song-length alone, and something about this one seems to tie everything together. It sounds nostalgic, yet current. Senjutsu, I would say is more modern in that it takes the band to even newer places, while still managing to not deviate from their sound.
[Unlike In Flames, this is a case of the band evolving into a place that I really enjoy]
With all of that explained, I'll lay out the grades of each album.
98
95
96
98
99
99
99
100
99
87
95
98
99
97
85
97
94
Like I said, this is a band that I can proudly say earned its top spot on the list. [It also makes me realize that Black Sabbath probably deserves a more fair shake with The Treatment]. Regardless, Nicko has just recently announced that he's leaving the band and Maiden are already touring with a new drummer, who is most likely the replacement.
I am curious to see if they have a new album in them or not, but either way, I'll support these guys to the very end. On Christmas Day, which I learned was the date of their inception, I bought tickets to see them in September 2026! I was hoping to have put this out on Christmas, but at least it's all out there now.
Iron Maiden is a solid favorite as I truly love all their discography in one way or another.
Next up is Lacuna Coil, which will be another close contender.
Good | Mid | Bad | # of albums | All Collected? | Gave Up?
11 | 2 | ? | 14 | N | Y
Ooh boy. This one got half the treatment, as I truly love half of their catalog. After critiquing the rest, although the results did vary with solid, mixed or even generous reception, I found 11 of their albums to be good. The last 2 I have are not, but with careful analysis, they fell into the Mid category. I never collected the latest album and I don't want to. I've come to realize, especially today, that I am not on board with all their changes and shifts into Melodic, Modern Alt Metal.
That being said, 12 out of 14 made for 86% which is a generous score.
Deftones - 95%
COC - 90%
In Flames - 86%
Fear Factory - 75%
Dream Theater - 73%
Gojira - 64%
Black Sabbath -Â 62%
So without even thinking, the first 7 albums Slap!
Lunar Strain, The Jester Race, Whoracle, Colony, Clayman, Reroute to Remain & Soundtrack to Your Escape are all perfect in their own way to me.
I got a little more critical on Come Clarity, because most of those were growers. I remember not loving that album at first. Still, I like a genuine 9 out of 13 tracks from that one, so it gets the check for Good.
A Sense of Purpose was a solid 100%! I love that album.
Sounds of a Playground Fading was very different. Despite its misses or softer choices, I did like 11 out of 13 tracks. Still Good.
I should've ended on a high with Siren Charms. Another solid 100%!
By the time we get to Battles & I, The Mask - I feel like we're listening to a whole different band. A lot of the original stuff that made In Flames special was gone and replaced with modern melodic slop. And it's annoying too, because on some songs, if it came from any other band, I'd really love it. Yet, when it's In Flames, deviating or straying that far away into the softer borderline Emo camp, I just really couldn't accept it.
6 out of 12 & 7.2 out of 12. (Yes, I had to go in between half credit for some of these). These were both Mid, and trust me, that was a gift.
So yeah. I'm done. I'm not interested in Foregone. I already don't like the name of it. It sounds like they know they're too different to ever bring the old sound back, and even if they did, it would be disingenuous, as none of the original members are in the band any more.
Regardless, 86% is a solid and even, possibly, too generous score!
9 Albums out of their catalog are rock solid for me, and 2 others make the mark to be good enough. Followed by 2 stinkers.
I'll take this score for now. I'm already starting to look at the list a little crooked though.
(Do I really love COC more than In Flames? Or Black Sabbath & Dream Theater for that matter??). Is Deftones, truly my be-all end-all band?
The next one will be just as fun to decipher. Iron Maiden is up for analysis next!
Good | Mid | Bad | # of albums | All Collected? | Gave Up?
4 | 1 | ? | 7 | N | N
Not going as hard on this one. This is a Solid band in my CD Rotation. I feel like I throw them on in the car every other month or so. Even still, I don't have the full collection of all 7 albums, so this isn't a fair draw.
However, from what I do have, 4 out of 7 are very good.
Only 1 of them I find kind of Middling, to give us a 4.5 out of 7, which equates to 64%.
Remember that this doesn't necessarily equate to pass/fail, however this does leave it in 2nd-to-last place in the rankings:
I do not have Terra Incognita, which debuted in 2001 or their follow up The Link from 2003. I would love to know how they started in their roots, but I just never got there in my collecting - at least not yet.
I have collected everything else though, and I can easily say that From Mars to Sirius, The Way of All Flesh, L'Enfant Sauvage, and Magma are all insanely good! LS might be my favorite, but it's a close toss-up between that & Magma.
I didn't love everything that was going on in Fortitude from 2021, but it's still a cool listen.
Either way, these guys have been on fire, since then, even performing at the Olympics!! It makes me wonder at near-2026, if another album is on the way, or if they're just doing an extensive tour and riding on the laurels of their success.
I came to know about these guys as the Opener for Mastodon, back in the day. I saw them like 5 times, easily just from that alone.
2 years ago - in 2023, Mastodon was opening for them... That's how big Gojira got.
I'm very proud of them and look forward to more of their stuff.
This brutal rating system declares that it is, however, not my Most Favorite, and in fact, low in the ranking.
Good | Mid | Bad | # of albums | All Collected? | Gave Up?
8 | 1 | 1 | 10 | Y | Y
LOVE this band! I really do. This is where the competition gets steep.
8 good albums give it an 80. 1 Mid gets us to 85. - 10 for the bad one sets us with a harsh 75.
Bonus points of collecting all (so far), but also giving up keep us at 75%
My Top 5 are now:
Deftones - 95%
COC - 90%
Fear Factory - 75%
Dream Theater - 73%
Black Sabbath -Â 62%
75 feels a little low to me, but I'll take it for now. FF certainly isn't my top favorite, but it has been a Constant go-to in my CD Rotation since I got into them.
Not Soul of a New Machine, though. Yuck! That's an awful debut album. The sad part about that is that with better production and more refined vocals, those songs could probably stand up a lot more. There was certainly a lot of potential ground-setting put on that album.
Demanufacture, Obsolete, Digimortal & Archetype are all solid Good albums in my book.
Transgression needed a little growing on me as it wasn't as strong an offering as Archetype for me. However, I did still like most of what was going on in that album. "Echo of My Scream" was too ballady for me and "I Promise" hit a sore/odd note for me in both life and just sound. The song became more of an obligation than an enjoyable listen to me. Regardless, it still fits in the Good category.
Mechanize was a solid no-brainer comeback in the Good category. [I'm almost starting to feel like we need a Great category].
The Industrialist was a little derivative for me. That's the Middling album. Good, solid ideas. But also with a decisively ugly tone. They chose to lean into dissonant chords this time, and some ideas weren't striking as fully cooked or palatable for me.
Whereas Genexus takes the Hook-Game to the next level. I love that album from top to bottom, without a 2nd thought.
Lastly, there's Aggression Continuum, which I only bought a couple of years ago, and listened to it probably 3 or 4 times. Certainly not enough to remember things.
Still, upon my reminder listen, I really dug 8 out of 10 tracks before making up my mind. This is a good one, but it is also a mixed bag for me. Some of it sounds derivative again, other songs go places that feel either not catchy enough or too heavy for the part. That the riff would sink better if it just grooved a little more.
But I don't know, that's just me.
Yes, I'm giving up on this band, because Burton C. Bell & Dino Cazares broke up again. And this time it looks like it's for keeps. They got a new vocalist, who's fine, but... meh.
At this point, I got what I wanted out of them and can always fall back on old-faithful. But I'm not interested in continuing.
An 11th Album is on its way in 2026, but like I said, I'm out. If I did this review later, that would affect it's score.
Regardless, 75% feels wrong. This is definitely a Top Favorite Band for me, but according to this scaling, I wonder how long that'll last. The stakes are getting very competitive. We are looking to see who's the Favorite Favorite after all.
Gojira is next, and they already have things stacked against it, so we'll see how well they do.
Good | Mid | Bad | # of albums | All Collected? | Gave Up?
10 | 5 | 1 | 16 | Y | N
This was fun to go through. I didn't go as hard as I did for Deftones, although some in the catalogue might need that treatment as they're a little unfamiliar to me.
10 solid albums, + 5 at mid credit gets us to 12.5
Minus the release I consider bad takes us down to 11.5 out of 16.
That's 72% +1 for extra credit for collecting everything = 73%
This score is fair enough to me. Dream Theater is A Favorite, but I don't listen to them every day. In fact, I've gone months or even years without listening to them. Still, they have a fond place in my heart. Especially their first 8 albums.
When Dream and Day Unite - I already reviewed this in depth! This debut isn't as strong as the others, but it laid down an incredible foundation on what they would build on. For the moment "Status Seeker" is the only song I can't remember in my head. 7 out of 8 makes it Good!
2 - 5 are Aaaaall Good! Images and Words debuted LaBrie's perfect voice for the band. Only 2 songs on that one are meh for me. Awake has not one single bad track. Each blends into the next as an absolute banger. Falling Into Infinity was the bend for some, but not me. I really liked this progression a lot. There were 3 mellower ones that didn't do it for me though. Scenes From a Memory is a damn classic masterpiece.
6. Six Degrees of Inner Turbulence I was a bit tougher on. With only 6 tracks, I recall not even thinking this was a full LP, but an EP, which I didn't collect at the time. Beyond that, I truly like 4 out of the 5 songs on disc 1. The 42 minute epic title track on Disc 2 dooooesn't really do it for me, but with that length, there's definitely movements in there I like more than others. Still, such a long song took work to give an honest shot over the years and even still, it's just not my favorite to listen to. When I think about the time and majority content on this album, I'd say it's almost Middling, so that's my first one put there.
7. Train of Thought - This one, however totally takes the dub. I love all 7 songs, inside and out.
8. Octavarium - Octo is good, however this one had its disappointments from me. It was almost an 'Every other track' album for me at first. Tracks 2 & 4 are waaaaay to ballady. Track 6 was a grower, as it really sounded like a Muse song, which I wasn't into at the time. The opener was even an off-putting rocker, which was disappointing to me at the time, but it quickly grew on me as I began to understand the "flavor" of this album, more. (Also what they were doing with the clever intro/outro effect.) The 24 Minute Epic - Octavarium, was also trying on my senses as it was really more of an homage to Pink Floyd, which was another one that I just wasn't into at the time. Looking back, this is a solid record and it deserves it's Good. I just had to grow into it, first.
9. Systematic Chaos - Ya know? At the time, I said this was what Octo should've been, but now I find it very Middling! I truly find that 4 songs are Strong and 4 are Weak! I'm gonna get some shit for this, but "Dark Eternal Night" never did it for me. "Repentance" felt like forced, regurgitated jamming to fit a theme, "Prophets of War" is alright.. and "Ministry of Souls" leaves a bad taste in my mouth, for reasons. [Long-term break up, anyone?]. Love the 1st three tracks and the closer though!
10. Black Clouds & Silver Linings - Honestly, this is practically a perfect 6 out of 6. "Rite of Passage" is a whatever single for me, but it's not bad at all. "Shattered Fortress" - although containing nothing but recycled riffs, is so well thought out and composed that it truly was an incredible, nostalgic experience, ending a theme that began from 4 albums ago. Love that closer in Tuscany too, and how it almost alludes to the 1st track. Either like a traumatic memory, or the reverse of the story, that they're the ones who crashed into the other car from the 1st track.
11 & 12 are both weaker, mid offerings. A Dramatic Turn of Events suffered a huge blow with Mike Mangini as the replacement drummer. Even more to his disadvantage, he was covering pre-written parts that were programmed by Petrucci. Regardless of that, the songs themselves didn't have the oomph that I look for. The content also felt very 'wounded puppy healing'. Seriously, tracks 2-4 and 6 I either didn't like much, at all, or even care about. Yet the opener, track 5 and the final 3 songs killed it for me. Big shoutout to "Breaking All Illusions". They figured it out, but unfortunately it took them the whole album to get there. Their self-titled Dream Theater, also had 4 good ones in the beginning and the rest were pretty forgettable. [I could do for an honest re-listen to this one.]. Still, at the time nothing stuck out as the giant go-to, or 'Comeback' song. So that says something right there.
13. The Astonishing was Bad. Period! The epitome of Quantity over Quality. A 34 track two disc album that goes nowhere fast in my opinion. They valued story over composition, or rather, they let their own concept overtake the whole composition. I.E. it's not very metal, but even from a Classical Sense... it's just too dense and ballady.
I was down for Robots. But they discover music? The whole thing gets lost on me and I just never liked this one. Sorry.
14. Distance over Time - A welcome back to the realm of good, although I don't remember a lot of the tunes. I just recall liking it a lot better and catching them live for the first time in years on this tour.
15. A View from the Top of the World - This needs an honest crack. I only bought this last year, a couple of months before Parasomnia came out. I recall liking it, but then just kind of being over it in the middle.
16. Parasomnia - Portnoy is back, baby!! This gets a lot of Nostalgia Points, especially since they're doing a parallel to Images & Words apparently. [But not in the same way as Sabbath did to their debut]
Everything felt right with this record and surprisingly extra heavy too in a lot of parts. I'm looking forward to future re-listens and becoming even more familiar. Regardless, this definitely hits a good place in my heart and soul.
So there we have it! I had reviewed everything up to their Self-titled at the time, as that was the most current. In the future, I could/should add the newer offerings to the list. DT is where it's supposed to be again, and in terms of my favorites, 73% feels just about right.
I like this band a lot, but it definitely had it's stinkers or meh offerings, which cause me to put it down or give it a 2nd thought, when selecting CDs for the car. [Yes, I still do that!] lol
Anyway. That's my Top 4 for now! Looking forward to seeing how it measures up with the rest.
Good | Mid | Bad | Amount | All Collected? | Gave Up?
9 | 1 | 0 | 10 | Y | N |
I was really picky about this one. I predicted, I'd actually think the 1st album was mid and the latest was great, but that actually flipped.
Either way, the result is still the same. 9 solid albums, one at half credit, giving us a score of 9.5 out of 10. No need for bonus points (yet).
95%
For now, this gives me a Top 3 of:
Deftones - 95%
COC - 90%
Black Sabbath - 62%
Since most of these albums rated at Good, I decided to get pickier and determine why. (I should do this for COC too).
I actually got to the point where I graded them out of how many tracks I liked or disliked. Some were in the middle. If I found myself remotely tolerating something, that's where it got a - point for half credit.
Adrenaline - Surprisingly Good! I thought this would do worse. This really isn't my favorite album and I almost never go to it. At 16, Minus Blindfold and One Weak were both skippers for me. They're either drab or have an ugly groove that I can't get into, but then they excel with a more solid ending or a better chorus. I also never liked "7 Words", which is blasphemous, I know, but it's just not for me. This album gets a 77%.
Around the Fur - Lhabia had the similar skip treatment when I was a teenager, but as an adult, I think it's perfectly fine. I classify that as a Grower, which gets half credit. The rest of the album is rock solid, but I always thought MX was just okay. This is made up by the Secret Song at the tail end, however. 9.5 out of 11 made for 86%
White Pony - Fucking solid album and a soft spot in my heart as it was the first one I collected, at 15. This album changed my life, man! It'd get a perfect 11 out of 11, but I don't love Passenger. It's a great song, but Maynard's voice on guest vocals took a while to grow on me. Also, as this is a song about road-head, the two of them singing to each other always rubbed me the wrong way. 10 out of 11 gets a score of 91%. [I warred with this score, because I felt like it should be higher]
Deftones - Another God Damn Solid one, but in a completely different way. I love the rawness of it. As an 18 year old, I thought I was over them, but this album impressed the Hell out of me and kept me on board. The only one that was meh for me was Deathblow. It was a little too mellow for me, but it has a strong middle.
This also has a score of 91%, which feels like a crime.
Saturday Night Wrist - I was a College Graduate when this came out! At 22 when the whole World was in front of me. This album dropped and felt Nostalgic, yet fresh. It felt like they turned a new leaf, yet absorbed a balance between White Pony & their self-titled offering. I wasn't in love, but I was in like. A lot of the songs grew on me over the days, weeks, months and years and at this point, each riff is iconic. The whole album goes places, and I suppose is a bit of a peak for them, as it's unfortunately Chi Cheng's last album with them on bass. I was picky about one song - "Rats Rats Rats", where I introduced the check minus. It's essentially the same as a half credit. It means that I tolerated the song at some point. Somewhere it got annoying or chorish. Still 11.5 out of 12 songs, made for a score of 96%. [Now, this is where I had a hard time. I know I like Deftones or White Pony way better than SNW.] {Some further depth may be required}
Diamond Eyes - was a bit of a new beginning for them. This was 2010, where I felt like I hit a peak in my 20's. This album was there for some serious highs in my Career and Social Life. (Maybe some lows too). I really love the vibe of this album, and again, like this more than SNW. The only song that is a bit of a miss for me is "Prince". The verse in that is very derivative of "RX Queen" from White Pony, so that felt like they needed better ideas. However, the rest of the song rips. Another 10 out of 11 for 91%. Another crime.
Koi No Yokan - Love this album! I thought, better than Diamond Eyes at the time. This came out in 2012, which was a bit of a lull in my life. It definitely lifted me up or pulled me out of dark spots. Still though, on this album there were 2 misses. The 2nd track "Romantic Dreams", I'm just not always in the mood for. It's got this progressive thing going for it in the verse, but I almost feel like I'd get more into it if it didn't happen so soon in the album. "Poltergeist" also does this clapping thing in the beginning that I don't love. The verse is a medium-tempo heavy thing that's cool, but the pre-chorus & chorus get into a weird saturated place with the vocals that almost feel like an SNW requirement, and I just don't dig it.
That brings it down to 9 out of 11, which is a score of 82%. That's fair enough, I guess.
Gore - I fuckin Love this album! A lot of people don't, which is fine too. For me though, I really appreciate the almost Melodic Power/violent approach they were taking here. The pacing on this album is killer from start to finish! The check minus affect hits on Geometric Headdress. I like it, but if I get picky, the verse in 5/8 gets annoying, or the chorus itself in 6/8 just doesn't go very far.
A 10.5 out of 11 gives us a score of 95%, which I'll fully accept.
Ohms - Ya know... In 2020, I was so excited for this thing. Getting this album back in my car as I was driving to my new job in 8 months felt like such a Victory. Even more apropos, this whole album feels more Anthemic than anything. I recall there being a whole debate on "Is it heavy, though?" and that annoying Chino a lot.
My verdict was ultimately that 7 out of 10 songs are very strong and likable in their own way. For me "Spell of Math" & "Pompeji" kill the momentum of the album for me right smack in the middle of it. There's a very dark, mellow vibe throughout the whole thing. It picks up again in the last 4 songs, but my hot-take is that I don't really like "Ohms", the ending and title track. That's my own thing, which I'm sure would piss people off, but I just remember always feeling a little off when this dropped as their 2nd single. Then learning that this was their album closer. It always kind of put me off.
Either way, 7 out of 10 makes for a harsh score of 70%. I think I like it a little more than that, but fair is fair I guess!
Private Music - I'm just gonna say right now that it's too soon to determine. The first 3 tracks Rip! The 4th one, Infinite Source is a Grower, so you know my rule for that - .5
I don't like Souvenir that much. "CXZ", "I think about you all the time", "Milk of the Madonna" are all awesome though. Then, in a surprise upset, "Cut Hands", "Metal Dreams" and "Departing the Body" all got Minuses!!! Cut Hands & Metal Dreams both have this rapping situation happening, that I thought the band outgrew. I didn't really appreciate it. "Departing the Body" I feel is going to become a Grower for me. (I actually gave it a minus check), which kind of means I like it less than I enjoy it, but there is a familiar atmospheric thing that happens around the middle to end that really reminds me of the end of the Diamond Eyes album. I recall not fully loving that song at the time, but now on a full listen, it only feels right to end on that Mysterious, Heavy note.
This almost captures the same feeling. So maybe, in the future I can give this album a more fair crack.
At my harshest this got a 45, 55, and nicest a 60 or 64%.
Either way, all of those are Middling Scores that are below Passing... lol.
All in all, I really like the Deftones Catalog. Most of it in the beginning is tied to Teenagehood, then memories of early adulthood.
I feel like other bands will get similar scores like this soon, and when that comes into play, breaking down the albums like this will help me place them in the future.
Good | Mid | Bad | # of albums | All Collected? | Gave up?
8 | 2 | 0 | 10 | Y | N |
This one is a lot easier, although getting there wasn't.
Out of 10 albums, I deemed 8 good and 2 middling.
At half credit, that makes it 9 out of 10, which is 90%
(Do I really love COC more than Black Sabbath?) I certainly like more of their total catalogue, that's for sure. Although the listening experience isn't exactly as cut and dry.
Eye for an Eye â A cool first offering. Very hardcore punk, which isnât my favorite, but somewhere in the middle of the album this thing gets its groove.  This is Middling for me.
Animosity â Much better Production Quality, but the writing is still spastic, janky hardcore punk. The ideas are way more focused, however, making for a far more cohesive listen. It definitely feels way more thrash, which tickles the Metallica senses for me, but only a little.  I donât know it that well, but Iâm gonna call this one good.
3-5 are all frickin Solid!!! Blind is where the band really takes form for me. Pepper taking over on Deliverance was where they really cemented the Stoner Rock sound that I was introduced to, so Iâm partial to that album. Wiseblood just picks up where that left off in all the best ways.
6 â Gonna be more critical about Americaâs Volume Dealer. This album leans a little too much into the softer countrier side. I notice this most on âStare too Longâ. âDiablo Blvdâ gets a little experimental and less heavy, but itâs got a pretty chill vibe. I donât love âDoublewideâ. Its not a bad song, but I just donât always dig the feel-good vibe on it.
I like âZippoâ. âWhoâs got the fireâ is just okay. âSleeping Martyrâ is experimental again, but it works. This is more of a heavy ballad that goes places by the end.
At this point itâs already a Middling experience for me.
7. They kill it on In the Arms of God. Period!
8. COC 2012 â Back to the Hardcore Punk roots, this album is an interesting listen. Despite being Very different from the Pepper vibe, they manage to keep enough of the Stonery stuff, and mix it into the original punk style of writing. This is a very familiar album for me and I like a lot of the riffs. Most are very catchy and the structures are fun to go through.  This is filed under Good.
9. I really like IX as well. It is definitely pt.2 of the previous offering or (COC 2014) if you will. Still, they lean a little more into the stoner-doom stuff within the punk, and itâs just cool! Although not as strong as the Pepper stuff, I love the whole vibe of this album. Filed under Very Good.
10. An unexpected return to form on No Cross No Crown with Pepper back in the band. This one is a no-brainer. The band is right where it needs to be again! Awesome album.
I surprised myself with this one.
When I first got into the reviews, I thought for sure I was gonna automatically Middle all the albums without Pepper, save for Blind.
Instead, it was only the 1st and 6th album that got half credit.
I do enjoy So much of the COC catalogue and sound, but are they really my Favorite Favorite? We'll have to see how they contend with Deftones next.
I'm sure a lot of bands will hit the 90% mark. Then I'll have to create a new Tie-Breaker or some sort of pickier analysis. We'll see.
Good Albums - 10 | Mid Albums - 7 | Bad Albums - 2| # of albums - 19 | All Collected? - Y Gave up? - (Y)
For better or for worse, this is how I'm gonna do it.
Good Albums get full credit. Mid Albums get half credit.
Bad Albums are point deductions.
Total # of Albums are the average out of 100.
All Collected & Gave up are sort of like bonus points.
So out of 19 points, they got 10 solid points.
Then, an extra 3.5 for the Mid Albums.
Minus 2 for the bad albums = 11.5 points out of 19.
This is roughly a score of 61%
All Collected - Y = 62%
Gave up - (Y) = Gave up by default when the band ended.
0 points deducted.
Despite the score, this doesn't mean the band failed me by any means. They're among my Top 20 Favorites for sure.
Here's a more in-depth breakdown of how I got there:
Black Sabbath - Believe it or not, I feel that their first offering is a Middling experience. Especially with the 4 songs-in-a-row experience of Wasp/Behind the Wall of Sleep/Bassically/N.I.B
The last song too w/ A Bit of Finger/Sleeping Village/Warning.
I understand that they were jamming and figuring stuff out, but I just feel that it could've been presented better; especially for a debut offering.
2-6 were all freakin solid! I already reviewed these on the blog.
7 & 8 were both Middle-of-the-Road, as I truly liked half of both albums.
9 & 10 were a shot in the arm as Dio replaced Ozzy. The Power Metal influence almost made it sound like a completely different band, but these 2 were still really cool!
11 was a miraculous offering w/ Ian Gillan, but it is where the debates of the decline begin. Despite the production quality, the songs still take you there and feel very Dark & Sabbath.
12 - Seventh Star? Not Sabbath... Not meant to be! It was forced by the label and it shows. There is somewhat of a Sabbath feel to Sphinx & the title track, but overall this was really a Tony Iommi Solo Project. On that alone, I categorized this is a bad album.
13 - 15: Eternal Idol, Headless Cross & Tyr are all Middling Albums. Tony Martin was alright, but the music really became overtly Christian Rock (as opposed to subtly) and a majority of the power ballads felt very samey and predictable.
16 - Dehumanizer was Suuuuch a welcome comeback for Dio! Every song is a banger and it is a true example of what a good album sounds like
17 - Cross Purposes brought Tony Martin back, but it keeps the momentum of Dehumanizer, to me. I think Geezer staying on Bass really added to that. It's not perfect, but I placed this in the Good category, believe it or not.
18 - Forbidden was bad. I know it gets a bad wrap and I could've been nicer, but I like less than what the album offers. If a majority doesn't sound good, I have to put it in that category.
19. - 13: I actually decided that this album is Middling. As stated from my review, I didn't like their parallel vision of essentially ripping off their first album, beat for beat for Nostalgia's sake. The Bonus tracks save it, but when you think about it, that's not part of the album. It's even on a separate disc. And it leaves a bad taste in my mouth. They could have lead with the Bonus tracks and written more original tracks to make a much better album. All that said, it gets half credit.
All that said, I suppose 62% is fair. It's not a Fail though.
As this is a competitive list, I'm very curious to see how many other bands will be in the 60s, and which ones this will go over.
The other day, my Step-daughter & I were talking about music and she asked me what my Favorite Favorite band was. And that was always a hard question to answer. All my life I'd been saying, "it changes every time" or "that's a Top 5 band" "Top 10", "Top 20", but never truly committing to an actual Favorite.
What I'm going to attempt to do in this post is lay the ground work for the Next few posts in determining that Favorite. And hopefully the process should be a lot of fun.
To answer her question, on the spot, I referenced Deftones, Paradise Lost, Type O Negative & Lacuna Coil.
When referencing a top 5, Fear Factory was in there for sure. On this very blog, I've covered Soulfly, Dream Theater & Black Sabbath. Moonspell as well.
So far that's 10. The rest I'll be cherrypicking at random instinct:
Iron Maiden, In Flames, U2, COC, Gojira, NIN, Mastodon, Torche, Soilwork & Queensryche.
There we have it! This isn't the order yet, but we have our 20, so I'll place them Alphabetically:
Black Sabbath
COC
Deftones
Dream Theater
Fear Factory
Gojira
In Flames
Iron Maiden
Lacuna Coil
Mastodon
Metallica
Moonspell
NIN
Paradise Lost
Queensryche
Soilwork
Soulfly
Torche
Type O Negative
U2
I know there's some solid other bands that I'm missing from this list, but that's my On Instinct top 20 at least! Depending on how this all goes, I might do an extra 10 for Top 30. Who knows?
Either way, I'm looking forward to breaking this down. Now I just have to figure out a fair rating system for all of these guys.
As I mentioned in the last post, I reopened this blog while on vacation in Vermont, and upon re-reading, I realized that not only is this thing horribly outdated, but the blog is also terribly unbalanced.
The other day, I felt a mighty need to update it to fill in the gaps of my personal life and catch us back up to right now. Then, I can put it to bed and focus on some more creative stuff again.
Where we had left off, I had matched with Vermont, as she would've been called at the time. The craziest part about it is that we were both out of each other's settings range. Still, I think the Algorithm ran out of ideas and decided to match us based on looks and tastes anyway.
I'd bumped into this kind of thing before and quickly swiped left, because they live nowhere near me. This time, however, I stayed tuned. I liked what I saw. A lot. And decided to make first contact with a flirt on one of her pictures. Just a quick "Nice blouse" lol.
Well, it worked! In more ways than one. That random Thursday, we chatted while I was at work and at home and we were both very excited to be speaking. Really quickly, I learned how much of a sweetie that she is, but also how much of a Responsible Boss she is too, in that she's actually the Director of a Rehab Facility. (Quite the stark opposite of the Drug Addict I was dating 2 months prior)
So these talks were great and sweet, but at the end of the day, she lived in Vermont and I lived in New York. After 3 or 4 days, I finally approached that topic and we navigated what to do about that. At first she didn't know, but she did mention having friends that live upstate that she was visiting soon. I eventually came up with the bright idea for her to extend her vacation trip with them. Just for 1 day. I'd take a Monday off of work and we'd meet in a town near there. She was totally down for this, but as that wouldn't be happening until a little later, we had a Zoom Date first. That was nice, because we actually saw that the other was real. No one was getting cat-fished. It was also nice to hear each other's voices and truly speak in Real-Time. That date was a lot of what do you do, it was a little bit of logistics on how we'll make the Monday Date work and it was also a talk about her current living situation, which I'll get into later. All in all, it was a great date and we couldn't wait to see each other on the planned Monday.
Fast Forward to that - Monday was amazing! We met for breakfast at IHOP. [I got up at 6AM and took a 3 hour trip to make it On Tiiiiime, babyyyy! Wooh!] Then we went to an amazing park for a walk nearby. We talked about all sorts of things! Growing up as kids in our respective states, Family dynamics, favorite things - music and such. I learned that she had a Foster Daughter, which was its own unique situation. We also discussed more of a complicated scenario on her part, in which she was taking steps to clean up.
And the more I heard, the more I felt comfortable. I saw her intentions. She was present, in the moment with me, and I with her. We sat on this bench, by a beautiful lake in the shade and we're so grateful to be with each other on this date. Then we shared the most amazing kiss and fell in love.
I had gotten us a room, just because we knew we'd want to relax before getting lunch and leaving, but now with how amazing it was going, it was absolutely time to have fun.
Once again, everything was comfortable, consensual, sweet and calm. Even if I was nervous, she loved every moment of our time together. Then we had a really good talk about her situation and what we were doing. You see, she was at the onset of a Divorce. Things were already discussed about not working and I had warned her that I had been here before with Needy Girl. But already, I was seeing Green Flags in her intentions. There was already a plan in place and I trusted her.
We did Late Lunch and the vibe was so much more relaxed already. We talked a lot about TV shows and movies growing up while sharing an awesome meal. We followed that up with a smaller park date and more talking. This time about bigger things about how I currently work Customer Service and I can kinda do that anywhere. I'm not married to my job. Also, my home life is just me and my cats. Its really simple... so one day that could be hers too.
She loved the sound of that, and it was nice to be able to talk about such big ideas so early. It was very clear we wanted to see each other again, so we were being logistical about taking weekends here and there to see how well we do in each other's spaces.
Fast forward to September, she came over for a magical weekend and I said the words. She responded with, "I'm so glad you said that, because I've been wanting to say that all weekend!"
Fast forward to October, she took the first big steps of her Divorce and her internal home dynamics changed in a major way. Whatever weird boyfriend/girlfriend arrangement he thought would work for them was Absolutely Not working for her. He was gonna move to the Basement and whenever I'd visit he'd be gone. The only thing was that when she filed the paperwork, it stipulated that they'd have to live Separated for 6 months, before anything could be finalized...
When I got to see her again, it had been 6 weeks since that Magical Weekend in September. I was so happy that we didn't lose anything in that distance. If anything, we gained more in the reuniting.
Before we knew it, November rolled around where I had a seat at the table for Thanksgiving. I met her Family and thought I'd get grilled a lot! But instead, they just let me co-exist among them and said "Pass the butter!" They didn't make a big deal about the fact that I wasn't him at all. Her nerdy nephew really took to me as well, which was awesome. We talked about his original fantasy characters all night!
It was a quick December before I was back in VT for the 2nd time to celebrate our first Christmas. That week we discussed the bigger picture and it was looking like we were moving her back into her Parent's House in 4 months.
January came and went, then February. We did a Belated New Year's, celebrated my brother's birthday, she met my friends and we had our 1st Valentine's Day. At her home, the internal strife got real and I was supportive in hoping to go to any free consultations with a lawyer in VT, but they were too busy to ever see us...
This took us to March where we had a special CT trip to change it up. It had been a month since V-Day, so this trip was very needed. I also revealed a deep insecurity and she still took me in, whole-heartedly. I truly love this woman, and by the end of our trip, I couldn't wait to move her out next month.
Fast Forward to that, she came over for my 40th Birthday Weekend, then in the next 3 consecutive weekends, I took the steps to move her out. This was actually super smooth and unbelievably not a nightmare at all! And to top it off, I finally got to meet the Foster Daughter in person! We'd already done Voice Memo's and Zooms with her, but now here we were, in the flesh, full immersion. And the result was actually fantastic. Overnight I transformed into a Step-Dad, man. I swear to God!! ^.^;
From here on, we hit a new benchmark as a Couple - Next Steps.
We had long talked about whether she'd move to my area, or me to hers. In the end, when it came to the Foster Daughter; that is its own special arrangement, but basically she lives in a certain area Upstate. So we started building a parameter at how far and comfortably she'd be willing to live away from her. And in future visits, I was basically touring a lot of VT to see where I was most comfortable to consider a move.
This takes us to the 4th of July. This was a very important weekend, because not only was I spending a landmark summer moment with the Family, but it was also the weekend that I asked her Dad for his blessing. It was a very neutral conversation, but in the end I was told, "Whatever she wants." We both agreed that we want her to be happy and taken care of. I impressed upon him that I also have experience in living with the wrong one, only I wasn't married, so it was much easier to separate. He appreciated my story and mindset that it takes a lot of Communication to make things work in the long run.
Fast Forward to our 1 year Anniversary on 8/8/25 - we both relived our first amazing date. Only this time, I proposed to her under a gorgeous gazebo and she said "Yes, of course!!"
This was an amazing date. The 1st part was relived with IHOP & the Park. We took different trails, which I thought was cool, because it wasn't an exact carbon copy of the first date. From there, we changed into fancy clothes at our much nicer hotel and went to an amazing spot for dinner. That was followed up by a nearby River Park, not unlike the first time. After that, we ended the night sleeping together soundly and very much in love.
Since then our focus shifted a lot to Wedding Stuff, but we also re-centered our Moving Plan. She decided that she'd actually like to live Upstate and start a completely new chapter with me. We agreed to be somewhere closer to her Foster Daughter, and in between both Parents, but it's a long project that we've been working on for a few months.
As far as Wedding Stuff is concerned, we gave ourselves a Date in 2 years from now that we really liked. Then we found a Venue that we Loved! Unfortunately, we were forced to adjust the Date, but we resolved that at our special Venue, we can make any date special.
This is something I've been working on with her since May, when talks of VT Tours began. In September, we pivoted to Upstate areas (and honestly, I've liked them a lot better). It's all about being comfortable in knowing where you're going to live. It's not as simple as a quick online search for apartments like it was back in 2020. This time, trips had to be arranged. But we've taken our notes and cemented our Green Light Towns and Yellow Maybe areas lol. And there's plenty of crossouts! Hahaha.
Otherwise, that's about it! I've been spending our 2nd Thanksgiving together with her family. It was our first w/ Foster Daughter joining us, which made it really special. Now that we're finally caught up, I'm looking forward to giving future Moving or Wedding updates, as those are the big special things going on in my life right now.
In the meantime, I have a couple of creative projects that I'm looking forward to getting back to, including Music Reviews or even jumping back into those Comics, all these years later! It'll be very interesting to see what I think of those issues so much later in life, now that the pressure is completely off.
It's been 5 years since I last posted and I'm practically a whole different person since then ^.^;
There's quite a few things I need to address, but first and foremost is that in rereading this blog, I must say it's become quite a mess! lol
At first it was a bunch of random, trippy, artsy and saucy posts until the saucy stuff got cancelled. Then the blog primarily focused on Marvel Reviews like it was my job! But there was always an undercurrent of stress and irritation in those reviews. Like something was buried under the surface, waiting to be told.
Those cracks began to show in 2018 & 19 when I revealed that my Long-Term relationship was failing, and ultimately ended in 2020. Then I just focused on all the crazy changes as I navigated my newfound freedom in dating, moving into a new apartment, job-hunting, and ultimately finding a new significant other to settle down with.
So 5 years after all that, what the Hell should I focus on??
It's crazy to think that 5 years later, I'm almost in the same place, but there isn't any frantic need for a soul-search or deep-dive this time. More of an Obligatory Fill-in-the-gap kind of update this time.
It's tricky, because I don't want to wave anything off with one sentence, but I also don't want to write excruciatingly detailed paragraphs of year's passed when I've already processed it all time and again with not only myself, but also a Therapist. ::gasps::
That's right folks. I got help.
I had to... And maybe that's where I should begin, because 3 months after I made it official w/ GalPal, Needy Girl hit me up. She missed me... And I missed her too.
It was screwed up and wrong and didn't happen overnight, but slowly the honesty, became stories, which became flirts, which became pictures, which became sexting... and slowly, gradually, bit by bit I was rationalizing that this was okay. It was just the phone. It was just for now. To get it out of our systems.
And it was awful. I was an unfair boyfriend in secret, but this didn't just happen overnight either. There was a series of disappointments on my end too, about her. Mostly consisting of lack of time or attention when we didn't live too far away. Work schedules not aligning at all, and me having a little too much time on my hands, while already getting attention from someone that I tried to write off and Friendzone, but just couldn't quite get there in the end.
And we carried on like that for 2 Years! Two!!
Bad Hunter. Bad!
It was not without its periods of behavior. Sometimes for Months. "This is wrong. We can't do this anymore. I need to be better."
It was so dramatic, it was so unhealthy, and all at once, I found myself around the Holidays, in what should have been a very peaceful moment with my cats. (Yes Plural! I got two!!) And instead, it was anything but. I hated myself.
So I sought help. I tried to clean this up. My shit was tied up in knots. And as my Therapist said, "We're gonna untangle it!"
Little did I know back then, that it meant undoing both relationships over time, but I'm getting ahead of myself here.
Basically, in doing the work I had to decide what I truly deserved. What I wasn't happy with. And in the end, it turned out that I was less happy with GalPal, than I was with Needy Girl's situation.
The situation was happenstance, but I got to a point where I decided, if I'm questioned about it, I'm going to own my truth. That day came on 1/7/23.
Everything imploded w/ GalPal all at once and suddenly I was a free man again. It came with feeling very numb, but also very liberated, but also completely stuck. For when I shared this w/ Needy Girl, suddenly it FREAKED HER OUT! Suddenly it was like it was 2020 all over again. She was still making promises to leave this guy and not committing to any of her bullshit. And I called her out on all of it every step of the way.
I lost respect from my friends. I know this. I probably lost some along the way from this completely.
But there was something in me that wanted to make it real with Needy Girl. My intentions had changed since we first met. All of our conversations, never ended, even when we were behaving. The L word was said long ago and it was something that I just couldn't let go.
...Flash forward to half a year later and that bit me in the ass real hard. Needy Girl was never real with me to begin with. I learned all sorts of new things about her "Masking" a good relationship in front of all of her friends. They all thought I was the intruder as this thing was becoming more and more public. And in order to do Damage Control, I think she just cut me off entirely.
Now she was the one having a talk with me in my apartment about how we couldn't do this and that it'd never work... A complete Role Reversal from 3 Years Prior, when I basically said the same things to her.
And booooooooy did that, Hurt...
I was numb and alone, and it was very clear that I had a lot of healing to do.
But in order to move forward, we actually have to rewind a bit, believe it or not.
Hey, remember Twin? The Original Work Crush of 2018? Well, at the beginning of 2023, she was single too. And this was the first time since I'd met her, that we were both actually single.
So this was something I was also pursuing as a bit of a long-game. (In the event that Needy Girl didn't work out) [Because that's nice and healthy...]
Twin agreed to meet up and catch up over dinner and drinks in January and we had Such a good time! It was very clear that she needed to heal from her past traumas too, so I thought this was perfect at the time. Not at all cementing me into Friendzone...
She was quite busy, but we saw each other again in March, then maybe April or May. It was sparse. It definitely wasn't weekly or too frequently. This gave us more time to heal and work on ourselves, sure, but in reality, it's just something that wasn't gonna happen. She didn't see me in that way, and my crazy shit with Needy Girl didn't clear up until June.
In a June hangout with Twin, I came to learn that she did meet someone and start dating in secret only to get it ripped away from the guy moving to a different state. This crushed her and it's all she vented about.
Meanwhile, I was starting to get hits on a dating app again. It wasn't intended, but I felt this sudden Universal Shift, that if I didn't say anything now, I was never gonna get my chance to say anything again. So right after she left my house, I called her and admitted my hard truth.
It was a nice conversation on the phone, but she ran. She ghosted. Eventually she piped up, but she said our friendship was never going to be the same again, and basically said to stop reaching out.
So that was great...
With all these sudden changes, the rest of 2023 was me pursuing the modern dating scene. I did really well on an app, (which I wasn't used to) and got 4 dates in a row! This was in July. It felt like a damn competition! [Had I been writing in this blog at the time, there definitely would've been several entries with new names]
But instead, you're gonna get one in hindsight. The 180'er.
They say Karma is a bitch, right? Well she struck twice. If me being unfair to GalPal was already flipped on me with Needy Girl pulling out the rug from under me, then Karma really kicked me in the nuts when this new girl, who Heard the Whole story, identified with it, took me in, was also in the midst of getting over her Long-term Long-Distance Boyfriend/Ex... only to get back together with him two months later.
That's right folks, I was a ReeeBooooound! She saw things in me, that I didn't see in myself, and vice versa. She had the confidence back and basically Revenge Dated me, while this schmuck kept pursuing her pathetically and she was actually lame enough to take him back!
It sucked... Here I thought I was coming back and getting into something really wholesome and healthy. I met her friends already and they liked me. I was fitting in... I was talking about her to my people a lot. She even met my closest ones and was about to meet my family.
But NOPE! After one silly tiff about not wanting to go out to eat one night, she was so put out that when Ex Boy gave her attention, she humored it. Not only did she humor it, but she took it all the way in, like the little asshole that she was.
What's worse - she was so confused, that she was starting to become Needy Girl pt. 2! She kept me around for another 2 months just in case it didn't work out with the LD Return Boyfriend. I can't believe I actually humored some of those talks, but once again... I was hooked. There was something about her, and if there was any sort of chance at proving her wrong to get her back, I wanted to make this work...
That was really dumb, and lame, and stupid. I found myself in November of that year needing to do even more work than even my Therapist could handle. I got a relationship Coach.
She was Way too damn expensive, but the 4 sessions we had were very helpful with all sorts of reading material and hard questions to ask and answer myself.
It helped me put up a boundary to the 180'er and speak up for myself when I told her I wasn't interested in her crumbs.
Then, at a Christmas Party, I suddenly found myself making out with a drunk party girl. We'll call her the OF Mom, because that's exactly what she is.
This wasn't very healthy, but it was certainly more promising than the last one at first, as this person was at least closer to my age and older by a couple of years.
This spilled into January of 24. Not much to say, other than OF Mom didn't work out. It was her, not me. She was very incapable of actually handling a sustainable relationship. It was very clear that she liked the attention of her fans, and held to those obligations before seeing me. I also had to get used to being put last, as her 16 year old son was her priority, which was very understandable.
I really wasn't too broken up about that one. Gave myself a month to heal.. Then at the end of March, I swiped on Emo Girl. We'll call her that. This was a cool connection for like a month, but then she got freaked out when outside interference ended the relationship.
We'll just say, she didn't trust me in bed and leave it at that.
This was crushing. I thought I met the right one this time.
I took a while to slow down and recover again. I was hurting. Was I ever gonna find the right one? I didn't want to just keep dating Anyone at this point.
In a natural circumstance in late April, fucking Canada Girl hit me up. Remember her?? It was the anniversary of my Mom's Death and she was just checking in. That was really sweet of her. We'd been in touch here and there, but this time, I put some more effort into trying to reconnect. So did she, it seemed.
We eventually started planning a Canada Trip and before we knew it, something was set for June. We were excited for about 2 weeks, then she seemed to disappear.
In Mid-May, I found myself lonely and depressed again. I didn't swipe, but even worse, I just chatted to one of those FB "People you May Know" contacts. Wouldn't you know it, it actually worked!
But that wasn't great, because it turns out this person was a Drug Addict!
So, it's needless to say that it didn't work out with the Addict. Still, I had met her a few times in late May and early June. And things got very dramatic very quickly as this Canada trip was on the Horizon and I wasn't cancelling it.
No one had titles. Nothing was exclusive. Canada Girl and I weren't even flirting online! But I needed to close this chapter for good. See her in person and see if anything was there.
Well, one awful week later, and that was a complete waste of time.
At least I could cross Canada Girl off my list...
Drug Addict was still in, but barely. I learned real quick that the shit she was into wasn't something you could just shake off or come back from after a good week.
So, come the end of June or really the beginning of July... we cut ties.
Nostalgia reminded me of the best parts of 2 exes. We saw each other for a full month, but were never exclusive. Something about her, I just couldn't latch on and commit to. She also would never have sex, but do everything but. In the end, we had a good respectful phone call about everything and parted ways.
Artsy Mom was understandably slower paced. She was almost finished with her Divorce, but not quite and our connection was nice, but also didn't have room to grow. She wanted to go way slower than me, but in the end, she was the one that just wished me well.
These 3 micro relationships all ended at the same time. I was somewhere between numb and defeated. The apps were still going. New people were on the slate, but my mindset was a lot calmer now. Less manic, and less urgent to make something happen Now!
My therapist had questioned my Emotional Availability, so this was my compromise. I'd keep swiping, but at a much slower pace and not bend over backwards to fit in dates at the expense of my own self-care.
There was a Bartender Girl, who really kept it more like a friend hangout, at someone's party. So that wasn't even a date. She was out.
There was also a Safe Feminist, who reminded me a lot of the Long-Term Ex, so that was a long game I wasn't interested in playing.
And maybe that is where I should leave this for now, but it is something I will definitely update soon, as I would definitely like to talk about what's been going on in the past year+ and truly catch us up to the Now!
Then I can figure out what the Hell else I'm doing with this Blog!
