screaming at an empty sky

linnéa tw: eating disorders, suicidal ideation, unreality, domestic abuse, self harm, csa, substance abuse, just generally really whiny poetry etc etc

[godsworstsoldier]

you search for my weak spots, without noticing that I'm already, belly up, throat bared.

how I put all my faith in you to be someone you're actually not. how I was wrong to think you would be what you said you were- like a smoke screen covering my eyes, your hands blocking my view, not letting me see clearly.

It is easy- easier at least to tell someone just who you are, so they don't have to do the work of figuring it out. But now, I'm caught trying to rationalize the difference between the You, that you see and the one that I see, and I'm lost.

[godsworstsoldier]

he talks of himself, caught up in his own fantasy world. his own imagined self. "a glint in his eyes" but to me, he's like a shark, constantly searching for that one tender place to sink his teeth into. no light in his eyes, not when he talks to me at least. completely monotone. no colour in his voice. no warmth in his words. no meaning behind them. he says what he thinks I want to hear, he says what sounds good, a few well meaning lies never hurt no one, right?

[godsworstsoldier]

sweet honeysuckle, you came back. came into my life to cause more havoc. how I can't stop thinking of you, what you look like how I want you to bury your head in my neck lick a fat stripe up it eat me up

I am desperate to be seen. but to be honest, there isn't much here to see. I am shallow, I am vain I have a disorder in place of a personality- when all I want is honesty but cannot dare to look at myself in the mirror, cannot! dare! to speak!

the truth? so what is it? what is honesty at this point, I don't know carefully omitting things; I know that is lying. not telling you what I did; that is lying. hating you for not being there for me when you promised to be; that is not my truth. when I gave but I give to everyone who dares ask! so who can I blame? only me, I'm afraid.

so my sweet honeysuckle, rejected love you came back but you don't want this gushing, beating thing inside me and I will not make the same mistake of pulling it out for you when you've made it clear. I am not who you want. (not this time around either)

[godsworstsoldier]

sweet honeysuckle, you came back. still the same, the leaves change colour without my noticing. the blossoms have fallen and scattered long ago. there was never a world or time where we would've been good together, no matter how much I wanted it. No matter how much I want it- it was never up to me.

The end of August came and went, I didn't shiver in anticipation, but at the thought of you in me. In my dark moments, I might reconsider.

I have another, now. Someone who does not care, but it would be cruel to give in to my weakest self,

to the one that just wants to be cherished. Held. Listened to. I do not have the luxury of being a selfish woman anymore, I can withstand my desires. Feel the damage they would do, prematurely.

There is no hope for us & not for you and me either.

sweet honeysuckle. you came back- and it would've been best,

if you stayed gone.

[godsworstsoldier]

hurt is not a strong enough word, ache is not a strong enough feeling. everything i had you tore away. everything i wanted vanished in a second. how my love left me crumpled up, a piece of paper. how you never showed your hand at all. how i lay all my cards on the table every time. how i wanted and i did not receive. how i loved and how i did not. how this would be easier. if i could've stopped myself before i even began. but i was caught in your web too soon. how i never got, i just wanted more. how i never got. and i'm just a wasted year, someone who no one knows about. someone who doesn't matter at all. someone too shameful to care about. in the bright light of day we were not. in the dark shade of night, i was. how i got so little. and still thought if i gave more. just a little more. i could get something back. but it doesn't work like that. i just couldn't understand why it doesn't work like that.

[godsworstsoldier]

I know my habits and I know my nature silly wishes of a teenaged girl to be born to Love when I know now, as an adult woman I was made to Hurt.

you or me, I will hurt us both destruction is an act of creation but all I create is chaos disarray and desperation

in another world, born in a different body one not made of scrap parts left over, I could walk through a field and not rip up the flowers by their roots- it's in my nature, I was made this way. a tiger cannot change it's stripes and a wolf, is still a wolf even if he gets another coat. I am still, underneath it all a scared child, an angry teenager, a horrible mix of everything that has gone wrong, as a woman of almost 30yrs.

I want, (yes I said it again), to be soft, to be allowed to be gentle, but this world is cruel so I turn crueller in retalliation and who wins at this point? not me, that's for sure the machine?

maybe I will turn in my faulty parts this heart for one, these shaky hands for two and three. the machine can become me, now, I hold no purpose as a human being. how no soil holds me and how I cannot hold it either catch me off guard lure me in with promise of gentle hands and shiny objects I am but a magpie- more like an ostrich, burying my head in the sand at the first sight of trouble, first scent of danger. How you said it was so intimate when we had sex that night when all I thought about was him, so no, love? a lover? I am not, a faulty being, reckless with metal.

now you think this is fine? this is how it's supposed to be? I am constantly suffering exhausting everyone with talk of how you won't be there for me, won't listen, only talk at me. I exhaust myself too! if my thoughts didn't run in circles, spirals if only you didn't make me spiral- this is not a gentle tumble I am falling down stairs at an alarming, exceedingly rapid rate. as I fall hear my prayer (you won't) "let me hit my head against concrete when I reach the bottom."

wake me up or let me die at this point it doesn't matter- things cannot continue they way they are.

[godsworstsoldier]

My Cautious Heart (hurt once again)

did he take everything, even Me? but I gave, virtously I gave like it was a given right to have access to me, to my body, my mind

why did I give so freely when I got nothing back? apples, apples, you're just an apple and I don't even like apples that much

now, I feel stuck caught as a woman and as a body a Woman's body something I always gave

apple jam in my bun it tastes so sweet sometimes I forget I don't like it all that much.

You ask, and you shall receive, but until I run out of things to give when you won't visit for me anymore when it's only what you want when it stopped being me, a while ago.

apple jam by the corner of my mouth I eat it because I am hungry, and there's nothing else here. just you.

just you. but when did I disappear? where did I go?

how did I, how do I continously, constantly lose myself in the pursuit of another? when all I want is pure and sweet and perfect love when all I want is for you to care.

to want me as soon as you step through the door to be overcome with longing when you don't, you seemingly don't long for me anymore now. who is it you want? who is she?

I tried to stop myself from falling off the cliff, the edge I tried to stop myself from going into the deep end. but I can't help my nature my habits will kill me.

You talked so greatly of a future was it just for pretend? did you ever mean those things you said? when I'll never know and even if I ask, I probably won't believe what you say, anyway. That's just me. It's too difficult for me to trust at least when you try to convince me by only saying as much.

If you were worthy of my trust you'd have it. Because you'd have proved it you'd have shown it just like you show how little I matter to you.

You're not worthy of my heart to occupy my heart so now, I will guard it. It's not too late. I will remove those sweet words from where they've set root in the softest part of me. when I know that words are just words, with no weight behind them. when I know that even the sweetest of sounds can break hearts. when even the gentlest of hands could break mine. I will keep it safe.

Sing it soft lullabies, little melodies to lull it to rest. speak sweetly, caress it carefully, I will be gentle event though that is in direct opposite to my rough, calloused hands. I will be there. I will not neglect it. Like you have. It is my heart. it will heal. I will it so.

[godsworstsoldier]

in Iceland they are trying to grow trees, in this forest between us every tree is too much, too many

in Iceland trees won't grow, naturally the land barren from the fruits of my labour my hands worn and numb

hot to the touch fingernails filed down into stumps so the soil won't catch too much

in Iceland they dig holes, choose carefully, rigorously planting spruce? will it grow, they ask. leave it open leave the door open- no, the cat will get out.

just keep my key in your pocket, let the thought of me burn a hole through you.

sometimes things take, the seeds turn to seedlings seedlings turn to plants these plants grow, flower

will we? will our efforts be in vain? will there ever be forests in Iceland?

only time, that impish bitch, can tell.

[godsworstsoldier]

I will remove those sweet words from where they've set root in the softest part of me. when I know that words are just words, with no weight behind them. when I know that even the sweetest of sounds can break hearts. when even the gentlest of hands could break mine.

[godsworstsoldier]

APPLES pt 2

there were apples, I thought only of apples I dreamt, secretly, of oranges but I stayed.

there were no other fruit there were no berries, it was winter the longest winter of my life, it felt like now at the other side of it spring-

how did I make it here? why did I come out of the cold dark winter alone? again?

there were no apples, he took them all no bananas, no tomatoes no sweets in the cupboard did he take everything? even me?

was I ever found? was I ever chosen?

when there's nothing left here anymore just me which might as well just be nothing not a human being anymore not breathing but breaking apart not a flower, not like a flower but like a raw egg-

spring? and why am I here alone? again.

[godsworstsoldier]

0. how terrified i am if history repeats itself

when i just want you to see the destruction you cause, the disaster that is me. when i just want you to have some backbone. when it's been almost a day, a whole day, and you think this is fine. you think this is still just some game. but i want to be sick, i feel the bile rising. i feel the food gurgle in my stomach. the contents whirling around. how i just wish this pain would end, why can't it end?

how i just wish you could've said before that you didn't want me instead of feeding into my fantasy- but maybe this has always been my fault. maybe i imposed myself, invited myself into your life when you didn't want anyone in, when i wish i could've realized sooner, that this isn't supposed to hurt, not this much at least.

i've always blamed it on myself, on my storm wave emotions when i should've just, if i could've just seen, understood, it's not supposed to hurt.

if you were here, if you were what i needed, if you were just anything Good, it shouldn't hurt. but that's all it does. my heart is on the floor, the love seeping out. my thoughts quiet. the steady stream of blood in my body, running still. when you've ripped up my roots, like they did. like they all did.

when she should've been there, but she wasn't and now you do the same if i just could've realized you do the same you all just do the same when i thought i'd grown up, grown older, at least when i thought it had stopped hurting but you pull my soft bedding aside, you get into bed with me you get, you get, and i get hurt.

[godsworstsoldier]

when i've loved so much and he's always just thrown it away down the drain, in the trash bin, in the dumpster down the toilet but i'm clogging up the pipes, the trash is overflowing the trash collectors won't come

[godsworstsoldier]

nyt on leikit leikitty

kun tiedät että vain leikit enkä minä halua enää. minä laitan korttini alas, minä hyppään keinusta pois laitan nuket kaappiin.

minä annan olla. minä en jaksa. minä annan sinun olla, nyt saat pitää valheesi, saat pitää tyhjät lupauksesi saat pitää sen kaiken mitä et koskaan pystynyt etkä edes halunnut antaa minulle.

minä laitan korttini alas, minä hyppään keinusta pois laitan nuket kaappiin.

minä laitan kehoni veden alle, minä hypään alas sillalta laitan vatsani täyteen lääkkeitä. koska en jaksa sinua. sinun leikkejäsi enkä jaksa yrittää saada sinut välittämään minusta

[godsworstsoldier]

so what is the truth? do you even know it yourself? do you even know yourself?

i wanted i wished i lost

something that i never had. something i could never get.

something you would never give. how i thought how i dreamt how rose coloured my glasses were, how brightly i shone in the beginning how i radiated light whenever you were here and then.

the light dulled the glasses got foggy the light i shone, i didn't shine the fact i own, i didn't find

what i wanted was too out of reach for me. what i wanted. i couldn't have, wasn't meant for me. maybe it's time i accept, that the reason i went so insane, cried until my stomach ached smiled until my cheeks hurt, was so distraught, was so elated. was because i love you.

[godsworstsoldier]

you touch me there, yes there, you say- you tell me things i always wanted to hear, things I thought should be, but would be too good for me. but I guess it was always too good to be real

you touch me there, say you don't need anyone else but you lie of such simple things

but so do I, I guess.

you tell me things, simple things, things that are too difficult to swallow, too hard to understand

purple was my heart held in the hands of a man who did not care.

bruised and broken now. I wanted to let you touch it, yes there. even though I can feel the fear I always pushed onto him, I always thought was only his. was only what he felt but I do too. I feel it too. that fear.

when you hold me, I fear. when you touch me, I try so hard not to think. when you tell me sweet things I do not want to listen.

I can't. I don't want to. hurt hurt hurt you or me. you are me. I don't want to hurt.

if I could swallow this fear. I wish I could.

[godsworstsoldier]

in another life i've got a set of wings, beautiful, beautiful, purple and pink green and blue, soft as silk

in another life I've got scales that reflect in the light I've got fangs that poison I'd slither, crawl, I'd try so hard to get away. I try so hard to get away.

in another life I've got eyes that shine in the moonlight teeth sharp enough to pierce the skin of your neck now I only bite my own arm until there's a set of teeth marks with one tooth missing, the one they took, without asking.

now my shoulder blades are the only thing keeping me upright that carry the weight of my mistakes.

now my skin is smooth and covered in bruises that hurt when I press, that hurt when I think

now my eyes are dull, my teeth are dull I do nothing all day

in another life you could've loved me and i couldn't have

now I suffer and think now I yearn and ache now now now now

I wish things would be different I feel like something was always wrong with me.

how you won't touch me anymore how he touches me too much

how it makes me feel sick.

[godsworstsoldier]

You have teeth as sharp as sharks you are as big as the whales that occupy my thoughts

god won't look upon me won't bless me with sweet silence

my head screams my hands ache

without a purpose, without a purpose.

fall is here I fall d o w n

i wonder how I'll get rid of you when I don't like you at all.

how your replies are boring and void of any real meaning

i think

i look

i try my hardest not to feel

i've hoped too much

the one thing i want is to want nothing