lately i have felt very off, socially. i think i always have, to some extent, but the context in which i currently live enhances it greatly: and that is living at the school home together with my class of 37 people and some 50 others. and i feel like the weird one. like the only one who doesn’t want be together and do stuff together and eat together and see each other all the time. like the only one who says no, i don’t feel like joining today, i am so tired, i need to be alone, and actually does it. i hear other people say this too, and they look so tired, but they still do stuff all the time, are together all the time. i want to yell, give yourselves a break! be alone! and trust it! and i know that is just my own introverted opinion and judgement. but i can’t help feeling provoked by other people’s fomos. and betrayed, when i hear them say one thing and then do another. i feel so different.
my class is full of lovely people, and i’m sure i will stay in touch with a few, but during this school period i have not been able to build really close connections. i see them forming around me, but i don’t think i can and feel like joining. maybe it is just not my kind of people this time around. i wish i went to school during fall where there are less students. 37 is 30 too much for me. i realise how much i need to be to alone to function, and i thrive being alone, i thrive with a few, i thrive with the slow and the tender. here everyone is fast, individual, competitive, social (but also lovely, caring and fun).
also this final school period, a few weeks ago, i collapsed one day with severe anxiety when we were presented with 4 different presentation assignments. i cried in front of the teacher and the whole class and felt ridiculous. i always felt very anxious talking in front of others, but now at age 32 i felt my whole body saying no to it once and for all. it is not my way of learning or sharing. i don’t know why it took me so many years to figure out that i can actually say no to it, make it a boundary. i’m so tired of the fact that verbal language is so celebrated in school environments. i can’t just talk and talk and talk for the sake of talking, or casually socializing or for a good grade, nor do i wish that i could.
i say only a few things every now and then, and have built very few very close connections throughout my life. and that is doing my best
anyway i think i’m having my period tomorrow
