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Read as often as you can for knowledge is a powerful tool

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THE CONFIDENCE CODE-CHAPTER 5-THE NEW NURTURE

Confidence, they state, "at least the part that's not in our genes, requires hard work, substantial risk, determined persistence, and sometimes bitter failure."  Yikes!  Psychologist Nansook Park states that "the proper way to build confidence in children is to offer them gradual exposure to risk but trauma is not the goal...if they succeed celebrate and discuss what worked and if they fail, talk about what they did well and what they can learn to do better next time" pg 110.  I can still use this advice today at 32!

Here's the thing...it requires FAILURE.  Ahhhh!  They describe it as the "most frightening and most critical partner to confidence" but they also say there's not enough of it.  The worry is that a lot of failure in a non constructive fashion will lead to risk aversion but if handle constructively will build confidence.

What about stuff that we just aren't talented at, some things we just may never be good at.  That's ok, there's a difference between talent and effort.  "If we believe that somehow we're given talents at birth that we can't control, then we're unlikely to believe we can really improve on areas in which we're weak.  But when success is measured by effort and improvement, then it becomes something we can control, something we can choose to improve upon" pg 115.  So push yourself and take on tasks beyond your reach, coasting at the same speed doesn't increase our confidence.  In addition, psychologist Caroline Miller says "a willingness to be different is critical to confidence.  It's more than just risk and failure, confidence comes from stepping out of your comfort zone and working toward goals that come from your own values and needs, goals that aren't determined by society", pg 116.  I find this extremely motivating!

What can really get us in trouble, and I fall victim to this as well, is when our confidence is derived from external sources.  They state that when confidence is based on external measures "the biggest risk is that we won't act...chasing permanent praise can lead to self-sabotage and constantly seeking approval, instead of developing your own code, will be debilitating" pg 119.

They end the chapter by warning that "you don't get to choose confidence and then stop thinking about it as your life miraculously changes around you...when we say confidence is a choice, we mean it's a choice we can make to act, or to do, or to decide...confidence is work, hard and deliberative, though we have no doubt that it is doable." pg 121

"We need to act, instead of holding back.  And that means, we now know, that we have to be ready to work in ways that will often challenge our most basic instincts" pg 122.

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THE CONFIDENCE CODE-CHAPTER 4-DUMB UGLY BITCHES

Apparently the young men at the US Naval Academy have a name for female students.  DUB's-dumb ugly bitches...seriously.  I can't even imagine trying to live in a world let alone get an education and fair opportunity where that is what you are openly referred to as.

They start the chapter with this information because seeing as this is being used at one of the most respected institutions in the country it really shows how the centuries of imbalance are still prevalent today.  No wonder so many women struggle with confidence when they are being referred to as DUB's whether to their face or not.  "Women on average are earning 77 cents for every dollar earned by a man, only 4 percent of CEO's in the fortune 500 are women and only 20 of the 100 US senators are women and that's a celebrated record high." pg 81.  But this isn't due to a lack of competence as women now earn more undergrad degrees and PhDs than men and when given a fair shot at success they do well.

Here they discuss that some of the issues start as far back as elementary school where girls are encouraged to be quiet and compliant while the boys are rowdy and rambunctious.  When girls are quiet and "good" they are rewarded but they are avoiding behavior that causes them to make mistakes and take risks which is critical to building confidence.

This perpetuates and especially in adolescence where girls are more likely to drop out of things such as sports because they aren't willing to take the risks necessary to continue competing at high levels.  Even at the pinnacle of their careers some women still feel discrimination as one of their interviewees put it "when a man walks into a room, they're assumed to be competent until they prove otherwise...for women it's the other way around" pg 89

A lack of confidence they state can also be linked to perceived appearance and women are much quicker to criticize their appearance than men.  One international study they quote shows that "90 percent of all women want to change at least one aspect of their physical appearance, 81% of 10 year old girls are afraid of being fat and only 2% of us actually think we are beautiful" pg 91.  That makes me want to cry.

A lot of the time these are self inflicted wounds we are creating by having a poor perception of our physical appearance as it is so strongly correlated to the way we feel about ourselves and therefore our confidence and that needs to change.

Women also tend to be afraid of being criticized which can be very limiting since you won't generally stick your neck out and take a chance if you are afraid of being criticized for your actions or decisions.  We also have the bad habit of overthinking things...at least I know I do.  This can lead to undermining yourself or being caught in a cycle of self-recrimination and is the exact opposite of taking action.  We have to get out of our own heads if we want to build confidence!  Note to self!

Again in this chapter they look at the brain and potential differences between male and female brains.  Essentially male and female brains are more alike than they are different and if you were looking at a scan for example you wouldn't be able to tell the difference in gender.  But there are some differences in "structure and matter and chemistry" that may encourage "unique patterns of thinking behavior, patterns that clearly affect confidence" pg 99.

Ok, ok, yes men do actually have larger and heavier brains relative to their body size but that doesn't mean they are better :)  They do tend to score on average higher on math and spatial skills and women better on language and arts but this is on average.

One study I found really interesting showed that women have the bulk of their brain cell matter in the frontal cortex where we process reasoning, and the limbic cortex which is an emotional center while men have less than half of all their brain cell matter in their frontal cortex but instead spread throughout the brain.  There are also two different types of brain matter which I think most people know, gray and white.  Men have more gray matter which is useful for isolated problems and women have more white which is better integrating information, pg 99.  Women also tend to have better functioning white matter in important places such as the corpus callosum (the connection between the left and right brain) which may explain why women tend to work with both sides of their brain more easily and make multiple mental connections faster, pg 100.  "It's almost as though evolution designed our brains to reach equally complicated destinations on completely different roads" neurologist Fernando Miranda, pg 99.

Coming away from this chapter it is clear that biology plays a huge role in confidence.  To some extent we are born with it but it can also be "nurtured" or learned and the ways in which we think and behave aren't wrong but understandable based on the way our brains work as women.  "We just need to get our natural instincts to work more in our favor" pg 106.  Now they move on to the idea of confidence creation.

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THE CONFIDENCE CODE-CHAPTER 3-WIRED FOR CONFIDENCE

CHAPTER 3-WIRED FOR CONFIDENCE

As you can guess by the word wired they are still on the research trail looking for evidence of a "confidence gene".  Continuing from the last chapter with the research on rats, they visit an NIH researcher named Steve Suomi who is studying monkeys.  We humans share about 90 percent of our genetic makeup with monkeys so they continue to be a popular research subject.  Hoping to find evidence that some people or monkeys in this case are actually born confident Suomi is studying anxiety and finding that monkeys who are more anxious are also less confident and vice versa.  He believes this is hard wired to a degree and there are certain biological characteristics, in humans as well, that we are born with but he also believe that if you can change your environment or as a child/infant your environment is changed for you these characteristics can morph as well.  

He has also discovered that a gene humans share with Rhesus monkeys, the SLC6A4 or serotonin transporter gene, is a huge contributor to anxiety and therefore confidence.  Dozens of studies of this gene in humans have shown links to depression and anxiety and his research has shown that this gene in monkeys is also a clear marker for which will be depressed, anxious and more withdrawn and which will be more resilient.  Resiliency he shows is tied to being more willing to engage with others, take risks and become leaders of a group.

As they discussed confidence and genetics with more scientists the scientists are all pretty sure that our confidence is somewhere between 25-50% genetic and potentially also linked to intelligence as well as the big 5 personality traits.  While interesting, the science still isn't exact at this point and none of the scientists they spoke to believe there is just one "confidence gene".  They still believe that confidence is about cognition as well as emotion and we have to believe we are capable of a task before we can do it, there has to be fuel for the action.

Looking further at brain function and hormones there are a few that are big players in confidence.  Serotonin as they discussed earlier which is a stress hormone, oxytocin which researchers are finding is linked to optimism and dopamine which is associated with curiosity and risk taking.  Essentially these are your fight or flight gene, cuddle gene and warrior/worrier gene.  This is the stuff that I think is so interesting and it's also really complicated to sum up.

The other theory then is that you can choose confidence, nature vs nuture.  Here they meet with a researcher name Tom Jessell who is looking at confidence on a global level.  He talks about people who lack a sense of individual power and that this may be in part a consequence of a lack of confidence.  For instance if you live in a place where everything you do is bad and nothing you do makes a difference you may experience "learned helplessness" which leads to apathy and very low confidence but he believes if you can change apathy to optimism the implications would be amazing leading to getting people out of the poverty/welfare cycle potentially.  

Also in discussion is the field of epigenetics, which studies how life experiences can become imprinted on our DNA and change the outside of our genes causing them to behave in different ways.  Genes are expressed in different ways so a lot of this research uses identical twins with the same genetic makeup but who may show differences in personality because the on and off switches of their genes are influenced by their environment.  The researcher Suomi is also finding that "some genes make us not more vulnerable to our environment but more sensitive, absorbing the worst but also the best of what we experience." pg 72

Bottom line is, our brains and bodies are complicated!  But we shouldn't be discouraged and think that we can't change something about ourselves just because it's in our genes, we might be able to.  Our brains are malleable to an extent, they call this plasticity, and we may just be able to make the choice to be more resilient, less anxious and more confident.

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THE CONFIDENCE CODE-CHAPTER 2: DO MORE, THINK LESS

Still loving this book.  The research is great and the writing is really tying it together in a way that is easy to understand and remember.  The memorable passages and take homes for me in this chapter are...

"Confidence is not, as we once believed, simply feeling good about yourself, saying you’re great, perfect just as you are, and can do whatever you want to do. That way of thinking hasn’t really worked for us, has it? Just saying “I can do that” doesn’t mean that you believe it or will act on it. If it did, therapists would be out of business pretty quickly. And hearing “You are wonderful” from someone else doesn’t help, either. If all we needed were a few words of reassurance, or a pat on the back, we’d all be productive, thin, and nice to our in-laws as we commandeered the corner office." pg. 35

I thought this was hilarious and true except for the in-laws part...I love my in-laws!  If it were that easy I wouldn't have to talk myself out of a 'you suck' moment a few times a day.  And I think it's a good lesson because it is true that you need action to truly show confidence.  Just being confident that you can do something doesn't mean that you always will do it.  I think confidence has to also lack the fear of failure in order to show itself and fear of failing has always been hard for me to conquer...but I'm getting better!

In this chapter they visited a neuroscientist named Adam Kepecs outside of Manhattan who is studying rats to measure our "statistical confidence" or how sure we are of a decision we've made.  He is using a rat model where the rat is exposed to two different smells mixed together and then has to choose which is the more predominant smell and signal its choice by sticking it's nose in either a hole on the left of its box or the right and if it chooses correctly it gets a drop of sugar water.  It doesn't really matter if the rat chooses correctly, the interesting thing is to see how long it will wait for the water or essentially how confident it is that it has made the right choice.  In the experiment they watched, the rat waited 8 seconds (and that's a long time to stick your nose in a hole) before it got its water so it was pretty confident...and it was correct.

"Kepecs gave us a deeper take on confidence, for both rats and humans. In his view, confidence has a distinctive double nature, or shows “two faces.” One face is objective: that basic calculation process, a critical confidence tool we’d watched the rats employ. The other face, Kepecs told us, is subjective. Confidence is also something we experience as a feeling. That’s the confidence we’re more familiar with, and spend a lot more time around, at least consciously. It’s the more emotional element, its alluring promise yet illusory nature constantly tripping us up. Rats too, Kepecs believes, feel their confidence in some ways." pg. 37

However it is important to note that "confidence is clearly more labyrinthine for higher-order, abstract thinkers.  Rats don't brood, for example, second-guess themselves, or lie in bed frozen with indecision"

They also visited a Georgetown non-profit group for college age women who are planning on running for office someday.  These are women who inspire to change the world and who you would expect to be some of the most confident in the world or at least in the school.  However, they were struck by how polite and considerate they were, not jumping into discussion but rather raising their hands before speaking, etc where in similar all male groups they noticed more assertive behavior, interruptions in conversation and less cautious behavior.  

"Not for the first time, we wondered about the tipping point between assertiveness and jerkiness. To put it bluntly—does one have to be an asshole to be confident?" pg. 39

The hope of course is NO.  What would be better is if we could be confident through self belief that turns into action.  It seems the anxieties that women have in stepping into the public spotlight in a situation such as running for office, stepping up for a big promotion, being the face of their own company, etc are related to the worry that if they are too aggressive or "rude" in order to compete with the men they will be seen as bitchy or unlikable whereas these things in men are sometimes seen as positives attributes.  I have seen this to be partly true.  I've been told that I am bossy, demanding and forward by some men in my work life.  But not all men, some men in my life are some of the most supportive people I have ever met and they respect in me, believe in me and want me to succeed.  By women, I've been told I seem confident, sure of myself, smart...it's so interesting to observe these differences in people.  I used to apologize for these traits feeling that people wouldn't like me if I was too tough but I've gotten better about that.  I am not rude but I am direct in what I need and what needs to be done in order for any transaction to be successful.  Luckily, I work with and have in my life, a lot of people who are evolved and appreciate a woman who is strong, smart, confident and not afraid to succeed...and somehow I still lack a belief in myself sometimes...what's up with that?!

They also talk about what they call the "Confidence Cousins".  Other positive attributes that contribute to the improvement of our life and to "make it possible for us to function at maximum capacity, enhance our professional performance and deepen our personal relationships" and in an ideal world we would have an abundance of all of them.

They are:

Self-Esteem-our belief that we are valuable, a good feeling about ourselves, not related to wealth or any other external reinforcement

Optimism-expecting the most favorable outcome from any given situation, a feeling of gratitude, some say it can be learned or cultivated

Self-compassion-dictates that we treat ourselves as we treat our friends and that we place our individual experiences in the framework of a shared human experience.  It enables confidence by allowing us to take the risks that help build it because it cushions failure

Self-Efficacy-a belief in your ability to succeed at something

"Confidence is linked to doing.  We were convinced that one of the essential ingredients in confidence is action, that belief that we can succeed at things, or make them happen.  Confidence, we saw from the young women at Georgetown, is not letting your doubts consume you.  It is a willingness to go out of your comfort zone and do hard things.  We were also sure that confidence must be about hard work.  Mastery.  About having resilience and not giving up.  If you have self-efficacy in one area, use it, you will create more confidence.  If you have high self-esteem, and believe you are intrinsically valuable, you won't assume your boss thinks you're not worthy of a raise.  And if you fail, self-compassion will give you the chance to not berate yourself, but to take your failure more lightly."  pg. 51

To end this chapter I found this quote very valuable:

"Confidence is the stuff that turns thoughts into action...if the action involves something scary, then what we call courage might also be needed...or if its difficult, a strong will to persist might also be needed.  Anger, intelligence, creativity can play a role.  But confidence is the most important factor.  It turns our thoughts into judgements about what we are capable of, and it then transforms those judgements into action." Richard Petty, Ohio State University Psychology Professor, pg. 52

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The Confidence Code-Chapter 1. It's not enough to be good

I am really enjoying this book so far.  The research that has been done on the topic/issue of confidence in general is so interesting and even more interesting is when they begin to delve deeper into the differences between genders.  This is something I have been interested in since college and did a lot of my own research in college on gender differences.

Some quotes notes from the first few chapters that stuck with me were:

"Confidence is the purity of action produced by a mind free of doubt"

I find this to be so true!  When trying to define confidence or label it it seems almost impossible but this statement rang true to me and I think it is a good mantra to have daily to remind yourself that self doubt immediately kills any call to action that you may have had in mind before you began to doubt your ability.  I struggle with self doubt, everyone does, but don't let it get the best of you!

The research they discuss also finds that

"…When people are confident, when they think they are good at something, regardless of how good they actually are, they display a lot of nonverbal and verbal behavior,” Anderson explained. He mentioned their expansive body language, their lower vocal tone, and a tendency to speak early and often in a calm, relaxed manner. “They do a lot of things that make them look very confident in the eyes of others,” he added. “Whether they are good or not is kind of irrelevant.”

Think about that and your own experiences.  Have you encountered someone who really seems to have it all together and speaks confidently with poise and conviction?  Is there a chance they don't really know it all...probably...so don't beat yourself up if you feel 'less than' in their presence but don't continue in that mindset either.  A lot of the time I know that I am a better rep than some of the other reps in my territory (50-60+ male reps and 3 female) but the males put out a "confidence" that is just unbelievable and sometimes make me feel like I just don't have the confidence and bravado to compete with those big personalities or egos.  

However...

"Overconfidence can also be read as arrogance or bluster, but Anderson thinks the reason the more confident students didn’t alienate the others is that they, like those Columbia Business School students, weren’t faking their confidence. They genuinely believed they were good, and that self-belief was what came across. Fake confidence, he told us, just doesn’t work in the same way because we can see the “tells.” No matter how much bravado they muster, when people don’t genuinely believe they are good, we pick up on the shifting eyes and rising voice and other giveaways. We’re not always conscious of it, but most of us have a great BS radar and can spot fake confidence a mile off"

So realize that most of us have great BS radar...that means your customers and clients do too.  So for me, those reps that are pushing their confidence and bravado in your face but can't back it up with knowledge or great service aren't going to last.  You can't fake confidence, you have to believe in yourself and your abilities but you also have to put in the work to know that you are good at what you do and you can be confident without being cocky or having to fake it.

[greattalks]

Susan Cain, The Power of Introverts — TED (2012)

Susan unpacks the social myths surrounding introversion in this passionate and personal appeal.

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I just finished this book and it was fascinating although the typo’s drove me crazy.

Pitch Anything on Chase Jarvis LIVE : How to Pitch Creative Products & Services (by Pitch Anything)

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NEW BOOK!  Starting today and can't wait to learn something new and gain some motivation.  If you are reading it also let me know...let's book club!