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@goodbyes-made-you-mine
Well I was doing really great for a while. Then it slowly started going downhill again. I tried to ignore it. Then I tried to control it. Now I took zanax and 2 atarax with wine because fuck all the lemons life is pelting me with.
I hope you're doing okay ❤
Thank you :) I am. I went to see a behavioral health specialist. I'm back on Zoloft and was prescribed something else for anxiety. Turns out I have a vitamin D deficiency (had a blood test done) which is linked to depression. So, for about a week or so everything has been really great.
I don't feel like doing anything but Cody wants me to go to behavioral health today. Well, in order to do that, I need to shower, clean the house, do laundry, and put the dishes away so that it will all be done before I go. I told him I just don't have time. He said my health is more important. Ask any mom.... Anything and everything comes before us. That's just how it is. Maybe in my next life I'll be happy.
I am, but I don't even want to take care of my son who is sick and has a fever for 3 days now. I'm only taking care of him because otherwise I'm sure I would be arrested for child neglect or something. Cody is only working like half the day and is taking Bailey to day care now... But I don't feel like I can even handle being home with Sean. I don't know why I'm even here. I was a fucking curse ever being brought into this world.
I'm done with it all. The only time I'm ever not depressed (notice, I didn't say the only time I'm happy, because I'm not even that...) is when I'm at work I guess because I'm busy and distracted. I hate being home. I can't keep my house clean. I cant keep up with laundry. I never have the energy to make meals. I don't have the energy to workout. I get so overwhelmed when I'm home in a messy house with our kids. I'm basically solo parenting even though I have a very capable spouse who just works and works and can't even leave work to get our sick child from daycare. I'm beyond done. I'm closer to giving up every day. I daydream about killing myself. Nothing helps. Therapy. I don't like pills. Ever since Sean was born I always said I just want to live to see his first birthday, then I can go. I can't take this life anymore. I can't get out afford the help I think I need.
It’s backkkkk
I understand now why so many military marriages don't work out. I understand now women leaving their soldiers. I wouldn't, ever... But I'm sure they said that at one point too. It's the loneliness. It isn't at all anything my husband has or hasn't done. It's the pure exhaustion of trying to hang on to a marriage that hardly even exists. It's being let down time and time again because the military has different plans. It's being with your kids all day while your husband is on staff duty after working a 70something hour week, and bringing him dinner just to drop it off and catch a 3 minute glimpse of him before packing the kids back up and heading home for yet another lonely night. I know he wishes more than anything he could be home with us and not work so much. Which is why he is not reenlisting the time comes. But it feels like his contract is never going to end. I don't know how much longer I can take his job. I don't know what that means because I would never divorce, leave, or separate. But I don't know if I can take it.
me to thousands of strangers on the internet: im suicidal
me with my personal therapist that i pay to listen to my problems: like i guess….. im kinda not happy…. with living and all…. god this is embarrassing…. sorry
I had a really hard 2 days. Cody even encouraged me to go to the hospital but I thought it wasnt really necessary. I have agreed to take my medication again. It takes my body about 2 weeks to get used to it and it to work. So it doesn't help me now. I should be going to work soon which is honestly the light at the end of this tunnel. Because of hurricane Matthew, my school district has been closed for over a week now. I am waiting to hear today if we are going back this week at all. When I do go back to work the kids will be back in daycare and life will be a little more normal.
I think my purpose in life is to give my husband our 2 beautiful children. I've fulfilled that. I can go now...
At what point do you stop trying to fool yourself that "it gets better"?
This is depression. My son, 7 months, cried himself to sleep for the first time in his life. My daughter, 2.5, has been nagging and not sharing well. They were both crying, needy, overwhelming. I don't feel like moming. I don't feel like I'm good enough to mom. I am struggling to even acknowledge them. Surely they, along with my husband, would be much better without me. I cry. I scream. I nag. I shut myself out. I neglect. I abuse. That's how I feel. My husband says I don't but I think he is too afraid to tell me how it really is. Depression makes me think that everyone would be better off without me. My kids and husband would be happier. My husband would eventually move on and find a woman who would always make him dinner, stay in shape, love our children daily, and never raise her voice. She would pack his lunches. She would gladly shuttle my kids around to school, extracurriculars, and friends houses. She would be active in the frg and loved by everyone, especially my in-laws. Her in-laws. There are 5 firearms in my home. 3 rifles. 2 hand guns. I'd be lying if I claimed I never thought about it. Because I have. I have. I have. But, it would scar my children even more. It would make a mess. My husband would come home to it and that isn't fair to him. It would ruin his career. I would be hated. He would hate me. My in-laws would hate me. My family members would be mad I didn't "get help" even though I have, many times, it just never helped. Everyone would be angry with me and no one would even care that I had gotten to my lowest point and just could not handle it anymore. I wouldn't be a victim. I would be blamed. They would be mad at me. But how can I tell them? I can't be honest about my feelings and thoughts. I would be locked up. I can't tell anyone that I want to kill myself. That it's always on my mind. That I don't want to mom, or wife, or live anymore. Because those are crazy thoughts. I would be baker-acted. I would lose my job. My kids. My husband. If I care about all of that wouldn't you think it is enough to make me want to live? No. Because it is the repercussions that keep me from pulling that trigger. It's the deposit we would lose on our house because of the blood stains. It's the fact that my husband would forced to be separated from the army. It's the anger I'm sure I would feel from others even 6ft down in my grave, or in heaven (if it exists). I wished and prayed that I would want to live for my life. On paper, it's perfect. A soldier husband I have loved since high school. 2 Beautiful children. A dog. A career as a teacher. But it doesn't matter to depression because I don't deserve any of it.
I was really lacking motivation because my weight hadn’t changed in a few days. Yesterday was a rest day - after 5 days in a row of working out. But after taking a thermogenic and working out today… I am down almost 7 whole pounds! I really hope I am able to meet and pass my goal of losing 15lb by Aug 18 (when I go back to work).
I have been eating eggs and avocado daily and trying to drink a decent amount of water. I need to go grocery shopping today or tomorrow because we are practically out of food! I am going to try some new things… I just don’t know what yet!
7lbs down. Ba BAM!
Its a family affair today! Only on saturdays are we able to go to the gym together because of our work schedules and the hours that the daycare is open at the gym.
We ordered qalo rings but they are too big so we have to return them for smaller sizes. I was excited to wear mine but I’ll have to wait even longer.
For me, cardio, abs, and arms today!
I was super duper not into the gym today. But I had one thing on my mind. My cheat meal for lunch. So… I completed 27 min on the elliptical and worked out my legs. Totally. Worth. It. As was my delicious cheat meal.
This morning I was down to 196.7 which is an almost 6lb loss in about 11 days. Pretty proud!
