good lesbian advice

advice blogs for lesbians! what's different than all the other blogs? we're slightly older & have nuanced politics, but the goal is to give you actual useful advice, not push any political agenda :)

[goodlesbianadvice]

I’m 22, and I’ve never been in a relationship. I’ve never had sex. And I’m really worried that if I do find someone, she’s going to not want to be with me because of this. I know there’s always that person who says, “I’ve never been with a WOMAN before,” and that’s an immediate red flag for most women. But I’ve never been with anyone, so that’s technically me. Aside from the fact that I won’t be any good at first, Should I expect to be avoided? Thanks in advance for any advice!

I’m 33 and have only had 2 short relationships and sex once. Today I decided to download the Tinder app. I haven’t made a profile yet, but the fact that I’m going to is a big leap I was never sure I could make.

I understand so much of what you’re going through. My aversion to relationships was personal problem rooted more in my mental issues than my sexual orientation. I let a couple of relationships with wonderful women pass me by because I feared intimacy. Part of what has allowed me to to start wanting to date was seeing a psych and dealing with a lot of my issues. Also figuring out I’m autistic and have issues with touch explained A Lot.

I don’t know if you feel how I do, but I can empathize with your situation. Here’s the thing, there’s someone out there for you, who if they are generally interested in being with you, won’t care about your inexperience and won’t push you into anything you don’t want to do. Lesbians come out at all ages, so a lot of people your age, my age, and older sometimes have to start learning the whole dating thing from the beginning. But luckily I have found the community can be very understanding of this. And if you do find someone who judges you for your lack of experience, leave them, they’re not worth it.

Not only is someone out there for you, but someone may be crushing on you right now and you don’t even know it. I have a sense you have low self worth, and sister I want you to know you’re a person someone is going to be damn luckily to date. However just being told that isn’t going to magically make you believe it, so exploring therapy, if you feel you need to, is not a bad idea at all. I am not telling you that you definitely need it, just an option if you think your lack of dating is rooted in something more.

Anyway, take your time, don’t jump into anything until you’re ready. When you meet someone who you think might be the one and you are ready for sex, communicate your concerns and what you feel comfortable doing, at least that’s what I plan on doing. A decent person will respect you and not mock you. And believe it or not, you’re still young and it’s really not a terrible thing to not have dated or had sex at 22. Our society can pressure people into it before we’re ready. It’s doesn’t matter what age you are, the right time is when you’re ready with the right person.

I wish you the best of luck in your dating pursuits.

[lesbianherstorian]

in the wake of cara schaum’s disgusting “joke” of a scam in which she posed as a lesbian attempting to raise funds to escape conversion therapy (link), there is a ton of misinformation spreading about conversion therapy practices. this is still a human rights issue. to this day, we are still fighting for our lives around the world.

there is no nationwide ban in the united states. the williams institute at the UCLA school of law estimates that 698,000 LGBT adults in the U.S. have received conversion therapy, almost half of whom endured this horrific treatment during adolescence. and in the 37 states that currently do not ban this practice, thousands of LGBT youth will receive it from a licensed health care professional before the age of 18. (map) (source)

only four countries have nationwide bans on conversion therapy. others have de-facto protections, regional bans, or pending legislation. but most have no laws in place. (map)

these brutal practices are still happening around the world, every day. and in countries where there are official bans in place, informal conversion efforts are still spearheaded by communities, anyway.

this is not a “bygone” issue, nor “distant”, “foreign” problem, and we ought to stop speaking like it is. this is a pressing, global human rights issue. and our continuous dehumanization will never be a “joke”.

for more information:

human rights watch updates

the #bornperfect campaign from the national center for lesbian rights

policy and position statements on conversion therapy from various medical organizations

a timeline of homophobia and conversion efforts from the southern poverty law center

living through conversion therapy, a half-hour special by vice

some survivor stories: (x) (x) (x) (x) (x)

resources for conversion therapy survivors

links from beyond ex-gay

if you have been personally impacted by conversion therapy and are in need of resources, contact the national center for lesbian rights at [email protected].

[lesbianherstorian]

a drawing published in the german lesbian magazine die freundin (in english, called the girlfriend: the ideal friendship journal), 1932

[quixoticrobotic]

ok today im going to make a post about one of my history faves: Gladys Bently

She was a musician during The Harlem Renaissance and very very very VERY openly a lesbian. She was known to flirt with women in the audience during her performances. She even claimed to have had a wife (although i cant find any details on that) and was quoted as saying “It seems I was born different. At least, I always thought so….From the time I can remember anything, even as I was toddling, I never wanted a man to touch me.” Unfortunately as far as I can tell none of her explicitly gay music was ever recorded Sadly, She eventually had to claim she was no longer attracted to women for her own personal safety, although to quote this article “These desperate attempts to survive do not diminish her previous accomplishments.“ In a world where it feels like the only gay people in media are thin, flat chested, white people, I think we should all take a sec to remember this wonderful lesbian

[radfemblack]

👩🏾

[lesbianherstorian]

“LESBIANISM IS NOT A CHOICE, IT IS A BLESSING!” at the new york city dyke march, june 1993

[goodlesbianadvice]

So I have been dating this girl for about a month and have fallen head over heels in love with her. We were monogamous, then she told me she had kissed someone else and we talk about it and decide to be non-monogamous. Right after that conversation, she reveals that she actually had a threesome the previous night- when we still had a monogamous agreement. Can you please give me some advice?

oh boy, i’m going to give you some really strong advice and elaborate after, so hang on if this seems too harsh to you at first:

you need to break up. she cheated on you.

look at this this way:

she knows you are monogamous. she has a threesome (cheats on you with two other people!) anyway.

she purposely chooses to give you limited information, downplaying what she did

only once you agree to a non-monogamous relationship does she tell you the actual truth

there’s nothing wrong with non-monogamous relationships, but the thing is they are still relationships where there are rules and respect for each other. she disregarded the rules and disrespected you in a monogamous relationship; you can’t know that will change in a non-monogamous one.

cheating is still possible in open relationships! say you agree that you should tell each other before hooking up with someone else–she can still cheat by not doing that. maybe you had agreed they should only be casual one-time hookups–she can still cheat by seeing someone continuously and not telling you.

she has demonstrated that she is willing to ignore the agreements/boundaries you two have established. i don’t think that’s going to change just because you’re now in a non-monogamous relationship.

if you think the non-monogamous thing works for you, you are 100% in the right to dump her and seek out relationships/partners where you know people are going to respect how you want to do that. if you decide that’s really not your thing and you prefer monogamous, you are also 100% entitled to dump her and find someone who isn’t going to tell you half-truths to manipulate you into retroactively allowing infidelity.

i know you say you’re in love, but it’s only been a month. you haven’t sunk a ton of time or energy into this relationship yet, and you should keep it that way, and instead spend that on someone who loves you as much as you love them and respects your relationship, whatever form it takes.

best of luck to you. <3

- mod j

[goodlesbianadvice]

Hey I’m bisexual not lesbian so I hope this is okay but I have been out to myself and my close friends for about 5 years now, which is huge and a step I never thought I would have the courage to take. Unfortunately I find that I still deal with a lot of self-regulating— for example my immediate response to sexual thoughts about a woman is to shut it down and panic. I know logically there’s nothing wrong with what I’m doing but my brain is so entrenched!

I apologize for the late response, I really wish the messages didn’t get mixed up with my own, that’s how I missed this. Nevertheless, you still deserve a response. 

I think it’s perfectly fine for bisexual women to submit questions as long as it has to do with questions related to same-gendered attraction and relationships between women. That said, I actually recently answered a question from another lesbian that is very similar. In fact I would give you pretty much the same answer so I would recommend checking it out. However, I do also want to give you a direct response.

Compulsory heterosexuality affects all women, regardless of sexual attraction. It’s natural to struggle with these feelings, and I feel like the greatest balm is seeking out other people like us, especially other people struggling like compulsory heterosexuality the way I have. When I saw that same problem being talked about by other women; it actually did a lot for me and my feelings of being “fake” with my attraction towards women. Knowing it’s a product of a society that desperately wants women to end up with men, I can forgive myself for those feelings.

Regardless of how much oppression has shaped your feelings towards women, and regardless the gender of the person you may eventually fall in love with, you’re attraction to women is real. Take your time, let yourself heal, find lesbian and bi media to connect with, find lesbian and bi women you can talk to, and not just online if possible. Either way, the more you connect with other lesbians and bisexual women, the more you will feel a part of it, the more you will be able to work through your feelings of attraction. I sincerely hope you’re attraction to women starts to feel more real and at home with your identity.

- mod e

[enoughtohold]

The Lesbian Tide was an American lesbian newspaper that was first published in 1971 and discontinued in 1980.

hey guys check out this free archive of ’70s lesbian newspaper The Lesbian Tide

[568791910-deactivated20200419]

So many of our brave, bold female historical figures were lesbians. So many of them had romantic relationships with other women. This fact has been intentionally excluded from their biographies and rewritten in history. If you want to be a good ally to lesbians and bisexual women, start to acknowledge the ways in which we have been made invisible. Try to empathize with how it affects young lesbians to not have viable, visible representations of ourselves. Begin to look for and recognize lesbian contributions to history, social movements, art, and academia. Our perspectives shape our work. Don’t assume heterosexuality. Don’t assume that women are complementary to men–that we frame our social worlds around them, that we are always relational to them. There is a long legacy of women who center their lives around other women. Look for it.

[goodlesbianadvice]

Plz tell me why I do this: me: -sexually attracted to women since childhood- -spends a great deal of time fantasising about women- -regularly hooks up with women- -disgusted by men- -literally in love with a woman- Me: what if I'm straight and faking it

If you haven’t already, you should read Adrienne Rich’s essay: “Compulsory Heterosexuality and Lesbian Existence”. To sum it up, women are expected to be wife and mother to the point that people don’t even consider lesbian sexuality to be real. This pressure to be heterosexual is even detrimental to straight women because it still also sets up a role they must play, and if they don’t want to be a wife and mother, they’re punished for it too. 

However, when it comes to lesbians, compulsory heterosexuality can really mess us up and delay our coming out. When you’re told from birth that marriage to a man and motherhood is your destiny, you believe it, get used to it; so even if it doesn’t feel right for you, fear of being something society doesn’t even want to acknowledge as possible is completely reasonable and to be expected.

Before I identified as lesbian, I considered myself bisexual. I know now it was because I could accept my attraction to women but couldn’t let go of my compulsory “attraction” to men (Not true of all bisexual women, this is just my experience) and part of that was the expectation I would marry and have children. Even though I didn’t want children either, it felt inevitable. What eventually helped me accept my lesbian identity was asking myself honest questions about whether I truly want to be with a man, if I am attracted to men, and so forth. When I let myself dwell on these questions, eventually I knew I was a lesbian.

Doubt still lingers because the indoctrination of compulsory heterosexuality starts young and is so pervasive. However, one thing that does help me to be at peace with my identity is if later in life I do fall in love with a man and it turns out I’m not a lesbian, that’s OK. (This is not say I’m open to the possibility of being with man as a lesbian, and no one should insist any lesbian should be)  I wasn’t lying to people when I thought I was straight or bisexual. I’m not lying to anyone about being a lesbian, but if it turns out not to be true, that’s okay too. Just because some LGB people know right away does not mean you have to, or make you any less lesbian or bisexual. Furthermore, it’s not a betrayal to one identity or proving a stereotype if you change your orientation based on a better understanding of yourself from growing older and more mature. That’s just nasty homophobia than unfortunately does get repeated by some LGB people. 

People evolve and change and part of that comes from discovering truths about yourself that were always there. And if you still feel uncomfortable even though you know you’re lesbian, repeat the word to yourself in your head. See a lesbian couple on TV and remind yourself, “I’m a lesbian too”. See a rainbow flag, remind yourself those colors are for you too. Eventually what feels uncomfortable because of years of compulsory heterosexuality will feel start to feel right. It felt wrong for me at first, but 7 years later the word lesbian feels every bit the right word for me. It took time but I got there, and I hope you are able to work it out and find that inner peace for yourself.

[goodlesbianadvice]

Hi! I know that I can’t ask you to make a “ruling” on what I am, but I really wanted to get it off my chest. I’ve been going between bi and lesbian, and I feel very inclined toward the latter, but I keep going back to a crush I had on a (male) bartender about four years back. We didn’t talk much, and not at all outside of the bar, but I definitely would blush and get giggly around him. It seems to me like this is evidence that I *must* be attracted to men on some level! Is this ridiculous?

Bartender anon, more background, I have dated one man (for one month in graduate school) and it just dissolved because I wasn’t interested, nothing physical. No women, but not for lack of interest; I am interested in dating women in the future and cannot picture myself with a man. But I hesitate to use the term lesbian, due to crushes on men I’ve had in the past! (The crushes do dissipate if reciprocated so there is that haha)             

you’re right that we can’t really make a ruling on this. but i’ll say a few things that you can consider and hopefully will help you out:

i think it’s possible your “crush” was more like “i think you’re really cool and enjoy spending time around you,” which doesn’t negate being a lesbian. are you generally a blushy/giggly person (i.e. was this reaction specific to your interactions with him or do you just often do it–i’m a giggly person and i’ve had people think i “like” or am flirting with men because of that when i am definitely not, lol)? was there any desire or attraction to him? 

you do say crushes on men plural though. again, what do you mean when you say crushes? how does the thought of doing things with them (not even sex–just going on dates, holding hands, etc) make you feel while you have these crushes?  (i think a lot of lesbian blogs will tell you that “the crushes disappear if they are reciprocated” is a sign of being a lesbian, but not always. some women just enjoy the chase and it’s not guaranteed to be an indicator of sexuality. but if the thought of them being reciprocated/acted on makes you uncomfortable, that’s worth considering.)

finally, i’m stealing this advice from a friend who’s in a similar situation to you right now: let yourself be undecided. tell yourself right now it’s okay if you don’t know for sure. go on some dates with women, and see how that compares to what you felt dating a man. in the meantime, i think there’s nothing wrong with indicating that you’re only interested in women when asked.  i don’t endorse saying you’re a lesbian if you think you are attracted to men, but you can certainly say things like “i’m exclusively interested in women,” “i think i’m a lesbian, definitely into women,” etc.

good luck! don’t put too much pressure on yourself :)

- j

[goodlesbianadvice]

if you're the anon who sent us the two-parter earlier today, we did not get part one! please resend so we can answer :)

[goodlesbianadvice]

THANK YOU SO MUCH FOR THIS BLOG. Just thank you.

HI! we are happy to be here :)

[lumaterian-deactivated20210529]

Most femslash seems to follow a formula that is not actually all that realistic or appealing to lesbians. The formula goes something like this: Two female characters who are casual levels of feminine...

here you go fam. 3.5k words of advice on writing lesbian smut and additional excerpts from some good examples.

[riptidepublishing]

Also 100% applicable to original fiction.

[goodlesbianadvice]

for any writers following us who might find this advice useful! :)

[goodlesbianadvice]

Hi, I live in a mildly homophobic country and I've only recently been coming to terms with being a lesbian but haven't had any experiences yet. I'm finishing uni this year and want to move countries after but I'm wondering if I should try tinder or something of the like now or if I should wait until I'm in a better environment

i think it’s important to know what you mean by “mildly homophobic” because that can vary wildly. i’d personally consider most countries mildly homophobic, lol. is it unsafe for people to be out as gay in your country? are there physical, material risks to being out or trying to date?  that’s the major deciding factor imo.

if by “mildly homophobic”/”better environment” you mean “there’s kind of a stigma and i don’t foresee there being a lot of available women”: there’s still a chance of women being on the dating apps, and it certainly can’t help to sign up and go on a few dates if they agree. lesbians exist everywhere! and if you’re interested in dating, why not start now? mod d, however, adds that we’d only recommend doing this if you’re looking for something casual. you probably don’t want to be seriously dating when you know you’re going to be moving to a different country soon.

if by that you mean “i’m probably not at physical risk but no one is ever out and i would absolutely have to hide it”: that’s up to you, but i personally would wait until i was in a more accepting environment. you’d have to police yourself to stay closeted and that can be stressful–it’d be one thing if you happen to find a girl you’re interested in, but there’s no reason to actively seek that out.

if by that you mean “i could get fired or disowned or there’s a good chance of me being assaulted if i try”: your safety is the most important thing. you might feel impatient but there’s no need to endanger yourself when you have an end to that situation in sight.

i hope that helps! if i missed an interpretation of your meaning here, feel free to send a follow-up.

- mod j

[goodlesbianadvice]

I am crazy attracted to this woman at my job she’s given me hints but never outright say anything,when I feel awkward,uncomfortable or focused I tend to look mean,I don’t want to scare her off I’m determined to make her mine I just don’t know how to go about it, I’m super feminine so she probably doesn’t think that I’m into women.Help!Please 🙏 I don’t know how to have a casual conversation with her because I get so nervous.What do I say? how do I start a conversation with her?please help.

first off, rbf is gay. try not to project “i want to murder you specifically” to her but otherwise don’t worry too hard about it.are you out at work? you could try adding some gay accessories to your outfits. what will be appropriate depends on where you work but you could get away with a small double venus necklace or something along those things pretty much anywhere, i think. as a femme i also feel i project “gay” more when i have short, polished nails (polish makes it more noticeable that they are short ;) ).

do you ever work on things together, do you take lunch at the same time, do you work in the same corner of the office, etc?  think about how and when you talk to your other coworkers and just approach her the same way. do you have a friend at work who could invite both of you to lunch sometime?

it’s hard to give more specific advice without knowing the specifics of the situation – like what do you mean when you say she’s given you hints? – but my general advice is don’t stress about this needing to be a perfect marriage-making first conversation. talk to her like any other coworker a few times and then start thinking how to drop the “hello please be mine” thing.

good luck! :)

- mod j

[goodlesbianadvice]

It took me a long time to admit to myself that I liked girls, so I have been with a lot of guys & in a few serious relationships with men before & while i was bisexual for 3.5 years before coming out as lesbian 4 or 5 months ago. I no longer like men but still like the feeling of penetration so I like when my girlfriend fingers me or uses a strap on but she thinks this means i miss dick and I'm thinking about men when she uses it. do you have advice on how to handle this?

Hey anon,

It sounds like we’re in a pretty similar place. I had a few longish relationships with men before realizing I was a lesbian. I went a few years without having any penetrative sex at all (thanks to ptsd), but have just started trying it with my wife and found that it’s one of my favorite things. I’ve worried a lot about what this might “mean” about my sexuality, but really…it doesn’t mean much.

Being a lesbian really has everything to do with who you’re into, and not what you’re into. For lack of a better word, I’m just a bottom, and that’s fine. You can enjoy penetration without it having anything to do with dick. Enjoying the sensation of penetration really says nothing, other than that your vagina likes stuff like that. Imo, It’s not too different than having a clit that’s more or less sensitive…some people can’t stand direct contact, while others enjoy it, and it all really comes down to individual preference. Strap ons are very, very different than dicks, and sex with someone that’s wearing one is a lot different than sex with a cis guy. Seeing my wife wearing a strap on is a turn on, while seeing a guy in underwear always somewhere between meh and repulsive.

As for assuring your girlfriend…I think it might be worth having a talk about the difference between sex acts and sexual partners/attraction. Strap ons are kind of a part of lesbian culture, and it’s not cause we all secretly crave dick or anything. They’re just fun things to use with a partner that make different types of stimulation easier. (And help us avoid hand cramps.)

My other bit of advice depends on what y'all are comfortable with/your sexual dynamic, but I’d suggest complimenting her during sex or mentioning what you like about it to make sure she knows  that you’re fully “present” and enjoying it with her. If y'all are into it, this can even make for some fun dirty talk. (For example, I always have to tell my wife how much I love how her boobs look when she’s fucking me, which is obviously NOT an experience that can be replicated with men).

I hope this stuff helped a bit!

- mod d

i don’t have much to add because the above answer is great, but i will say that i have never done anything with a man and i still really enjoy penetration/strap-on sex. your girlfriend can rest assured it has absolutely zero to do with men. i understand the wariness some lesbians have, but she needs to trust you. :)

- mod j