[pm] God no. I’m much too happy going out to nice bars and drinking comfortably. I don’t want to go back the sneaking booze life.
If it were up to me skittles would just be red and blue. That’s it. Those are the only colors worth eating. I always separate out mine by color, eat the grosser ones first, then save the true treasures for the end.
That’s right… and don’t you forget it. I”m making you dick-tokens.
[pm] It was only fun when everyone was in on the joke and you’d dress up like the fools from the roaring 20′s and pretend it was a speakeasy but, like, you were actually sneaking in alcohol.
I think I have yet to actually meet someone who just takes a handful of skittles and shoves ‘em in their mouths. Every single person I’ve met separates them. And sometimes nowadays I just have to count them I don’t know why but it annoys me.
Yes. Yes you are and I love you for 14 days because of it.
[pm] Fucking tell me about it. I don’t miss trying to get drunk off of PBR that I snuck out of the frat house fridge during a night of partying/ill-advised hookups.
I will absolutely not. If your love is tainted by lime-loving I don’t want it. I’m worth more than Lime Love.
[pm] Ah, the halcyon days. I don’t miss ‘em, either.
Whoooa now, I didn’t say I loved lime; I’m just saying they weren’t as aggressive-tasting as the green apple. Plus, when you had the green and yellow ones they were fine paired together because they made lemon-lime!
But fine, yes. You’re worth more than lime-love. I’m sorry, forgive my momentary lapse in love
[pm] I’m not 18 sneaking beers at a party anymore. I only drink good beer.
I hate to have to contradict you here dude… but green apple is superior to lime. But yeah. They’re in the wild berry packs. They’re the best skittle. Hands down. Blue is best.
[pm] Our conversations always give me a twinge of nostalgia. Hooray for being legal adults who can buy good beer!
Take that back. You just lost 1 love for that comment. But for real though the blue ones are the best out of the whole rainbow of skittledom.
[pm] You’re fuckin on. No way that kid gets the dog UNLESS they adopt the kid. In which case that’s option three and we both owe each other a beer.
Not much of a chocolate guy. Make it blue skittles and you’re on.
[pm] Deal. Make it a good beer.
Oooh blue skittles like the ones in those uh tropical flavors pack? Those are the best because there’s no green apple. I was so sad when they changed the flavor of the green ones.
[pm] You missed it. There was a dog in the first part. She had to give it up when she moved to the big city to pursue her big career. You know. That whole thing. She’ll get it back in the third act; bet you a beer.
Well that makes me sound like a prostitute. But I’m not totally against that.
[pm] Did I? Damn. WAIT no okay, you’re on. I’ll take your beer and raise you another if she gets the dog back and the kid ends up taking it instead and gives it a scarf.
Oh fuck it sure does. Well... what if it was love in the form of, like, little pieces of currency-- wait. M&Ms. Orange ones. Wait, orange and blue ones.
[pm] The dogs are the only reason people watch these movies. The dogs at the very least lure people in and then human laziness kicks in and they can’t be bothered to change the channel.
I’m always happy to put more wangs into the world. Two weeks of love is all I need.
[pm] Well so far in THIS movie I’m not seeing no dog. There’s that precocious child I mentioned though.
I wish more people took love as currency. It’s a good vibe.
[pm] Yeah I think that was a case of somebody manifesting their particular fetish in reality. The dogs are always cute in these. Thank goodness for that at least.
Nine days? That’s a 14 day love at the very least. Yeah! Just graduated with my masters in it and everything. Had a business since I was 18. Started out on Etsy but graduated to my own site a couple of years ago.
[pm] Like Tarantino. I mean about the fetish thing not the dog thing lol. The dogs ARE always cute - gotta get the perfect one to put in ALL the trailer footage.
Fine. For you and ding-dong-shaped tokens, 14. Also ‘gratz! School can be a pain sometimes but if it’s what you wanna do, then it’s totally worth it. How much would I owe you for the tokens? Aside from 14 days of love
[pm] The last one had a really weird identical twin mistaken identity storyline. It was a little icky tbh.
I’ll carve you wang-shaped bingo tokens out of wood
[pm] But remember: SOMEBODY thought it was a good idea. That’s still weird though. Why pick one when you could have both At least the dog is cute in this one.
Dude I’ll love you for at least nine days if you do that for me. You woodwork?
[pm] We could make a killing selling them to bachelorette parties. Make those little plastic tokens like they have for bingo but in the shape of wangs.
It’s a whole untapped market
[pm] I flipped to the channel while we’ve been brainstorming and you were right. Why are this chick’s eyes so close together? You’re saying the movies before this one weren’t as bad?
Side note: I really want wang-shaped bingo tokens.
ricky-corderbro replied to your post “[pm] You didn't hear this from me. But. There's a "Christmas in June"...”
[pm] Turner Classic Movies. They're so bad. I've got it on in my workshop and I keep getting distracted by how awful they are. I should have made a bingo card for romance tropes. That would have been a great idea.
[pm] THERE’S the market we need to tap into. People do it all the time with plot synopses and turn them into ad-lib booklets. One side could be a family-friendly version and the other can be a drinking game.
[pm] You didn't hear this from me. But. There's a "Christmas in June" romcom marathon going on this week. I think each one is more terrible than the last but I can't stop watching.
[pm] What, for real? Duuude what channel? I wanna watch.
[pm] You so casually came at me for blood without any warning, without any explanation less knowing about something you shouldn’t have known about. When I thought you were just– you changed everything without caring about how I feel on it. I know I’m stupid with friendships, but this doesn’t feel good. I’m– I just didn’t realize until right now that–
I– should have killed him, it would have been easier. Maybe this is why other hunters kill all sorts of supernatural even if they specialize.
I am at a loss for words. Why does this always happen? Why can’t I just have a normal friend?
I can’t do this with you.
[pm] Alright, alright, I upset you with the blood thing. I really didn’t think you’d think it was a big deal. I forget how delicate humans can be sometimes. I’ll ask somewhere else, ain’t a problem.
Okay then, don’t. Life is too short to stress about stuff unless you’re like me. Catch you on the flip-flop, Q.
[pm] Of course they are. There is some explanation for everything, even if it goes beyond the intellectual space of most people. Do you think so low of me? Have you this entire time? Cause this is what always happens to me, why I can’t have friends– why just one little step into knowing I have an inkling of the supernatural, and suddenly I am now assumed to be a blood dealer? Are you serious?
[user is visibly upset and types the last bit with resignation.]
Go away.
[pm] I think... you’re overthinking this. I’m not assuming you’re a blood dealer, I’m asking how if you know how I can acquire some. If I thought lowly of you, I would’ve left you pouting about your own mistakes literally eating your words on the ground. If we weren’t at least casual buddies, I wouldn’t have talked to you about the stuff that interests you.
But hey, my mistake. Go ahead and be upset, Q, ain’t no skin off my back, yo.
Let me know if you want a vampire who won’t complain about you taking them apart.
[pm] Is there a way to make you stop? Do I need to admit you’re funny? I don’t like lying :/
Yeah but don’t you study genetics in med school? Like, that’s basic bio. Do you know anyone I could ask? This is going to bug me until I figure out how the hell a hare got antlers. Anyways, Howl’s then? Do you have my taquitos ready?!
For the first time I’m not!! I’m completely supporting your dream of becoming a viral sensation but also guiding you towards more realistic goals. You can manage De Niro’s Insta? He already has 2k followers!
[pm] Wellll :/ I might stop... :/ if you stop being :/ mean to me.
Well yeah but then that just boils down to “no, it’s impossible for a rabbit and a deer to mate and produce offspring”. wait why do I need to make those toquitos?? Also you’re gonna sit there and tell me not to say the W-word then you turn around and say Howl? #TRIGGERED No but um that’s fine.
How the HELL does your rabbit already have 2k followers? He’s cute but not THAT cute.
Time: a couple weeks ago
Players: Graham, Maple Leaf @thisphoneisbiggerthanme
Summary: A vampire meets a pixie in the park. Fae nonsense ensues.
Content Warnings: None
The vampire opted to let Frankie and Layla have the house tonight, deciding to venture out for one of Graham’s more secretive hobbies - reading a book he was fond of by the warm light of a lamp post in the park on a bench. He only accepted light FROM lamp posts and nothing else because… well, he wasn’t sure. There was something about sitting in a park in the evening, hearing nothing but nature and being bathed in the welcoming artificial light. He had read this book several times by now but he always came back to it with a certain fondness. He sat on the bench how he sat on his couch at home, relaxed, somewhat splayed with one leg over the arm as though he were royalty and the bench was his throne. One hand held the book while the other absently flickered between turning the page and his thumb returning to his mouth for him to chew on absently. God, he missed the heat of his breath.
One stray sod seed, two stray sod seed, three… On and on Maple Leaf had gone, until she had covered a whole patch of grass. Already, the seedlings were taking root, outcompeting the normal lawn grass. In a few days, it would be a glorious chaos - well, it would be if the apocalypse didn’t come out of the eye in the sun. She had just about prepared to return to her hole under someone’s house with a secret socket for her phone when she spotted a Big Leg, perched on a bench with a book and under the flight. Her tiny body flashing brighter with excitement as she darted over. It had been a couple weeks since she’d left her nest properly to be where the Big Legs were, and now she wanted to find out alllll about him. “Hi!” She yelled, because Big Legs couldn’t hear well. “What’re you reading??”
“Jeeesus!” Graham was startled out of his position, hastily pulling his leg close to him as if a shark just appeared out of the ground to snap at it. His bright blue eyes darted around for a moment, wondering where that voice came from. “Uh…” He couldn’t find anything immediately. Maybe he was finally losing it; his mom always told him that psychosis would take him but he didn’t know it’d be so soon. “Hi?” He asked, not entirely unsure but also none-TOO-sure. “I’m reading Red Dragon,” He stated to the voice that asked, holding the book aloft as if the source of the voice was standing far enough away that he’d need to hold it up for it to be seen. “Whhhyyy?” He lowered the book again, still looking around for the source of the voice.
“Ooh, is it about red dragons? Does it have any pictures? Can I see?” Maple Leaf replied, darting around this guy to get a good look at him, her wings buzzing like a horsefly around him. He was looking around all over like he thought she was some sort of poltergeist. Maple Leaf giggled, waving her arms and pulsing brightly. “I’m over here! I’m not scary, don’t worry! I just want to talk and learn all your deepest darkest desires and um maybe your favourite colour? What kind of Big Leg are you?”
Graham didn’t find the source until she held still long enough, eyes falling on… He sighed. Was this a fairy? Or a pixie? What was the difference? Was he on drugs again? He had to keep track or that sort of thing. The hell was a ‘big leg’? “Okay hold up, lemme answer your questions in order then maybe stick to, like, two at a time,” Graham inhaled. “It’s not about actual dragons insomuch as a painting of a dragon. That’s the only “picture” in the book and it’s not even IN the book, it’s on the COVER of the book,” He replied, keeping a finger on the page as he closed the book to show her the cover. “See?” He kept it closed while he recalled her other questions and comments. “We only just met, doll, so you aren’t entitled to my deepest, darkest desires yet. My favorite color is blue. And normally I’d say ‘just a regular guy’ but since I’m either trippin’ or talking to a… fffairy? Pixie? I’ll be honest with you and say ‘vampire’.” He said the last word quietly, quirking an eyebrow at the little flying creature. “Okay, your turn. Who and what are you?”
“Why would you read a book about a painting of a dragon? Why not just go see some real dragons, if they exist? Or just skip the painting part and read a book about dragons. OR skip the book part and look at a painting of dragons. I don’t know, kinda seems redundant otherwise.” Maple leaf commented sagely, and looked around before perching herself on his knee, glowing brightly. He’d said two questions, but then he said he was a vampire, and Maple Leaf had never met a vampire before! She wanted to fly over to his lips and pull them up to see his teeth, but resisted, for now. “Well, fun fact, I don’t have very much blood in me at all. So, don’t even think it mister. But my favourite colour is sunset pink or rhododendron red. I’m a pixie, and my name is Maple Leaf. Does this mean that someday you’ll tell me your deepest, darkest secret?”
Very chatty, this one. Graham had never met a pixie and if she was the example, then he wasn’t too entirely sure if he wanted to meet others. “It’s a book. The dragon’s a metaphor,” He replied rather simply to her line of questioning. He was paying full attention to her now as she sat on his knee, not even registering her weight. She was so small, so light and fragile and yet… so vivacious. Unafraid. “Duly noted, little lady,” He scoffed. “Sunset pink’s a fun color though so props for that.” He chuckled this time, resisting the urge to bounce his knee lightly to startle her… if she could be. “Maybe. What if my deepest, darkest secret isn’t as deep or dark as you’re hoping?” He asked.
"A metaphor," Maple Leaf replied skeptically, giving him a hard side eye. Why would you have a metaphorical dragon when you could have a real one. Or at least a cockatrice, as a treat. "I'm not little! I'd like you to know that I'm above average height for a pixie! You’re just humongous!” She laughed, like tiny ringing bells. You're just humongous!" She retorted “Oh, I just like knowing secrets. But if your deepest, darkest secrets aren’t dark enough for you we can make you some new ones!"
It was Graham’s turn to laugh, warm and normally disarming but in this case, it was just a natural reaction; he caught her side eye, knowing she didn’t find his answer satisfactory but that was just the nature of the question. “It’s just a saying; I’ll have YOU know that I’m average for someone MY size.” He found himself enjoying the company of the strange little creature. “Oh yeah? Like what? What counts as a ‘dark’ secret to you?” He did bounce his knee very lightly this time as he talked; he was legitimately curious about what a little light like Maple Leaf would think qualified as dark enough that his might not be by comparison..d
“A dark secret?” Maple Leaf tapped her chin thoughtfully, then squealed indignantly as he bounced his knee, jumping off it and hovering. “Hey! That was mean!” She crossed her arms, looking deep and hard into Graham’s pretty eyes. “Are all Big Legs so rude or is it just you? Anyway, a dark secret I have is that I’ve stolen the pollen from 20 bees. Just this week! I really like how it tastes and its funny watching them trying to do the bee signal wibble wobble for ‘watch out! There’s a pixie here’!”
Graham had set his book down fully by this point, keeping his eyes on the pixie with a mischievous smile on his face. “Really?” He said, his eyes widening with feigned surprise and he likened her behaviour with that of a child. He started to entertain the notion of creating a wild story in turn for her dark secret but he actually found himself contemplating what secrets he DID have that were her version of dark. “That’s a pretty good one, not gonna lie…” He thought aloud, tapping his finger against his chin as he bit the inside of his cheek absently. “Wait, you don’t talk to bees? How do you steal their pollen?” He asked, a hint of legitimate curiosity in his voice. Wait, did he care? ...Well, yeah, he supposed a part of him did.
“Still being rude!” Maple Leaf replied, her nose wrinkling in annoyance. “Why would I be able to talk to bees? I know we’re like similar sizes but our societal structures and expressivity of language is vastly different. Can you talk to every Big Leg in the world?” Despite her annoyance, she didn’t mind talking. “Well, first I illusion them a patch of flowers that smells all kinds of bountiful, but only after they’ve already collected pollen. And then I make me look like a flower, and when they try to take my pollen I do a whole switcheroo and take theirs instead. Kinda like this!” And just like that, the bench beneath them began to twist into a befanged, metal monstrosity, the back curving up and over them like a giant gaping maw.
“Sorry!” Graham said rather quietly as he shushed himself for Maple Leaf to continue her explanation on her pollen-theft. Ah, so she used… magic. He wasn’t surprised, why did his mind voice and narration sound surprised? She was a pixie; of course they used magic… right? It seemed like an obvious thing. What was less obvious, however, was how the bench underneath him suddenly looked and felt decidedly less like a bench and more like a creature that could do some damage. The vampire felt his instinct kick in and though he didn’t make a scene out of it, he deftly, unnaturally maneuvered his body around the contorting mass of metal in a fluid motion and took a very generous step away from it, appearing almost as though he were gliding instead. He beheld the magic, not experiencing fear but rather a twisted curiosity and perhaps even a glimmer of entertainment, as though he were a child observing a magic trick. “Whoa!” He exclaimed. “How the hell’d you do THAT?”
Maple Leaf grabbed onto the collar of Graham's collar, and if he listened especially closely he might have heard the tiny "weeeeeee!" Of joy as he pulled her through the air faster than she'd ever gone. Once he was standing she let go, clapping her hands in glee. "It's an illusion!" She chirped, and the bench looked harmless once more. All that creeping metal crumbled into the wind and nothing more, a small personal delight. Maple Leaf grinned up at Graham. "Did I scare you?"
Graham heard the noise but had to look around for a moment to find the source, realizing that she had grabbed onto him when he moved and he gave her a small grin. “Scare me? Naaaaah.” He dismissed lightly with a wave. “You surprised me, though,” He admitted, tilting his head at the bench once more. “An illusion, huh? Pretty damn impressive magic trick if I do say so, myself,” He stroked the stubble on his chin. “No wonder you’re so good at stealing from bees; I can’t imagine how they perceive stuff like that.” He quirked an eyebrow. “I think I’d die if I was a bee and got freaked out by something like that.” He laughed.
“Rats! How can I scare you?” Maple Leaf asked earnestly, as if she was asking what kind of cake he might prefer. She let go of the button of his sleeve, buzzing brightly as she darted back up to his face. Not that he’d be able to tell easily, but she blushed under his compliments, flying in an excited figure of eight to show her enthusiasm. “Bees don’t scare too easy, they’re made of tough stuff. Which is why it’s fun to steal their pollen.” She tapped her nose knowingly. “Wait! I forgot to ask! Can I have your name?”
“You can’t; I’m an unscareable master,” Graham replied, crossing his arms matter-of-factly as he couldn’t help but smile at her obvious display of excitement. Then the thought occurred to him that they’d been effectively hanging out for what felt like at least twelve minutes now and they didn’t know each others’ names. “Oh, sorry! The name’s Graham,” He announced before motioning with his hand. “And what do I call you?” He asked, finding the way she asked just slightly strange and almost as though there was something… he should’ve known but EH maybe he was just being weird.
“Nope, those are Redcaps, but you are definitely not a Redcap in the slightest!” Maple Leaf said with a hmph, looking him up and down. “Vampires are definitely in the scareable list. But don’t you worry, I’ll figure it out soon enough!” More importantly, he walked right into her trap. She guffawed, clutching her belly and laughing at him. “Well you can call me Graham too because that’s my name now!” She squealed in delight.
The hell was a Redcap. The vampire didn’t have time to contemplate that for long when she suddenly started laughing at him and he cocked his head to the side sharply, the look of puzzlement evident on his face. “Wait, what?” He asked. He paused for a moment, uncrossing his arms and feeling his brow furrow. Wait… wh-- ohhh. “Wait, your name’s Graham?” He asked. “Huh! Small world. I mean, really small world, like pixie-sized that I happened to run into the one pixie with the same name as… Wait.” The smile slid off the vampire’s face. “Wait, that’s… Okay, that’s YOUR name but--” The look of confusion was front and center. “Then… what’s MY name?” He asked.
“HAhahahaHA!” Maple Leaf squealed, looping loops in the night air. Definitely not-Graham looked completely bamboozled, utterly incensed. She laughed until her sides ached, until she could hardly breathe and her face was turning blue. “I took it! I took it! And now you’ll never know your name unless I give it back! Wow, it is so much easier to take names here than it is on the other side of town!”
The vampire was decidedly having a lot less fun now, feeling his expression go from confused to slowly more irritated. Well, THAT wasn't fair. “Wait, you did the what-now?” He asked, opting to cross his arms almost like a child who didn’t get what he wanted. “You stole my name?” He asked, bristling. “How do you even do that?” He had to admit that he wasn’t familiar at all with fae practises… hell, he was still learning about vampires.
“I did! Do you want it back?” Maple Leaf giggled, darting over to perch on his angrily crossed arms. “I stole it because I asked to have your name, and then you gave it to me! That’s how it works. But I can give it back if you like! Oh, you look a little angry, but it’s just a game!”
It took a second for the vampire to realize what the pixie was talking about but shortly after he thought about it, he gave a single nod of his head. “Ohhh. So when you said “can I have your name”, you were actually asking if I would GIVE it to you. Like it’s a literal bargaining chip,” He explained, more to himself. “Well that’s pretty sneaky, I gotta admit. I sorta walked into that one.” He uncrossed his arms carefully as she perched on them and one hand rubbed the back of his neck. “I’d… kinda like my name back, yeah. Do all fae do that?” He asked, keeping this exchange in mind for any future encounters he might run into. First rule, read between the lines. Damn fae.
“Yup yup! You vampires sure are gullible!” Maple Leaf crowed, tumbling head over heels along his arms. Although, it was kinda starting to be a let down. If you stole a fae name, then automatically you went into a duel of words and smarts and thinking, all to get the name back. Maybe other cultures just didn’t do that kind of thing. She’d have to test it with other vampires to find out. “Fine, fine, I return your name to you, Graham! I’m Maple Leaf, and it was cool to meet you!”
And you pixies are kinda jerks, newly-reappointed Graham thought as he metaphorically snatched his name back from her when she offered it, placing it on his mental desk once more. “I suppose you aren’t the worst, uh… pixie I’ve ever met,” He relinquished with a dismissive shrug, still feeling slightly silly that he walked into such an obvious trap. “BUT yeah, it was kinda cool to meet you, too.” He pointed a finger at her in mock threat. “Next time you steal my name I’mma… I dunno, do SOMETHING mean back to you.” He said, finding that he couldn’t stay exactly angry at the prank or her for that matter. At least she gave his name back.
“Prank wars! Oh, that will be so fun! Now I have to steal your name again, but some other time. It’ll be a surprise!” Maple Leaf gasped, clasping her hands together. Her eyes were welling up with bright tears of excitement, thrilled to have made a new prank friend. Maybe this vampy-guy wasn’t so bad after all! “Prank you some other time, Gram-Grams!” And with that, she darted off into the park, planning the mischief she could do next time. Oh! What about turning his teeth into water balloons?
Wait, prank wars? That wasn’t what Graham had in mind when he said that - he was thinking more along the lines of taking a couple of fingers and giving her a firm flick. He started to retaliate when she zoomed off and he was left standing there by himself in the dimly-lit park, hand raised and mouth open as if to make a point. His bright blue eyes followed her as she departed but found himself frowning, going back over to his book on the bench. Gram-Grams? Maybe if someone took his name, next time he’d pick one that couldn’t be turned into as many derogatory, cutesy nicknames.
Graham, come on. How did you know it me? I have a line of separation to my work and my friends, and you are blending things and its freaking me out. You were suppose to be normal you– I don’t want this.
[pm] If you wanted to separate them, you shouldn’t have let book worms or whatever infest your essay. Dissertation. the papers with all the words on them. Those are supernatural.
Fine fine you can treat me however you want. I’m just looking for a direction to go in to get some fae blood. Like I said before, you do you man, I don’t care who or what you are and I’m not gonna tell anyone. I just need some. For... science.
[pm] Are you high? I will not have this conversation with you.
[pm] If I was, are you really gonna keep being a smug asshole about it when I sat there for an hour and picked up your shit with you while listening to you ramble about fuckin’ bringing people back to life?
I know you know shit about supernatural crap. I’m dumb but not THAT dumb.
