Advice for those of you looking to leave a toxic social justice community
Really, this advice can be applied to any toxic community and even abusive relationships, but I’m focusing on social justice communities because, well, this is Tumblr. A lot of people can use this advice, and I could have used it when I was in the community and needed to get out because of how toxic it was.
And yes, it’s toxic. It’s unhealthy. And social justice, while absolutely not a bad thing by itself, has a very high potential of abuse. And I’m not just slinging the words “toxic” and “abusive” around. Not even considering what I’ve been through (abusive relationships with once prominent sj people on Tumblr, false accusations, smear campaigns that affected me IRL, doxxing, constant harassment, death threats against myself and family members), there are a few individuals who use social justice to use and abuse others. And well-meaning people get sucked into it because they just really want to help, or they want a place where they feel they belong. And they can get a gut feeling at times about the community that they feel they must shove aside, or else they’ll be pigenholed as an “anti-sj” for ever thinking ill of social justice communities on here.
I’ve seen plenty of discussions and blogs speaking out about this, so I don’t feel I should have to get in depth about it to prove how these groups can be abusive (I could personally write about 10,000 blog posts about it). A lot of social justice groups, especially on this site, are cult-like. They are filled with abusive dynamics with narcissists (usually the leaders of such groups) and codependents. Again, I’m not just throwing these words around. I’m speaking as a “in recovery” codependent who was very deep within the social justice community. And I never take the word “abuse” lightly.
And like with any abusive relationship or group, you need an exit plan.
So if you want to get out of a toxic social justice community, leave, and leave as quietly as possible.
Don’t get confrontational with people, and don’t try to be a hero. Your own well being and survival should be the first priority.
Many people, including myself, have tried to call out abusive people in the social justice community, only to be harassed and doxxed and painted up as “neo-nazis.” Only to have the abuser’s flying monkeys – otherwise good people who think they’re standing up for a marginalized person, attack blindly and relentlessly.
It’s up to them to change. Unfortunately, they probably never will, but that’s not your problem. Again, your own well being should absolutely take first priority.
You might desperately want validation from a community you invested your heart and soul in, and you want to tell them, “Guys, look at this! None of this is good! None of this makes me feel good, and this person’s behavior really troubles me!” But you will never get it from them. “Solidarity” is supposed to simply symbolize unity, but people use the idea of solidarity in social justice communities to silence people who are being abused by leaders in groups. And so, they show “solidarity” for the abuser (who will more-than-likely play the victim if they are ever confronted by the actual victim). They completely ignore all those abuse dynamics we all used to talk about in social justice communities. They want to support who seems to be the “right” person for social justice points (usually the most popular blogger who spews the most angry, hateful shit in the name of “social justice”). But their faulty judgment is on them, not you. It hurts, but I promise you that you will heal and you will find people who actually care about you and who actually believe in what they stand for.
You can’t change them or what they think. All you can do is look out for yourself.
If you can exit without anybody noticing, that would be preferred. On Tumblr, I would suggest simply archiving your blog, if not delete it all together. I would then suggest to stay offline for a bit and reflect on yourself before getting a new Tumblr blog. Or maybe find a better social media platform all together.
If you were as deep in it as I was and are buddies with a particularly toxic person, try your very best not to get into a confrontation with them. If they ask you where you’ve been or why you haven’t been talking, just say that you’re moving on to other things with your life, and say no more. You shouldn’t have to go into more detail than that. Let the connections to the toxicity just slowly fade away.
Don’t do what I did and try to confront people. If you do that, then you will wake up the next day and see you have been branded an “anti-sj,” “neo-nazi,” etc. I’ve witnessed far too many people have their lives literally ruined for simply speaking out about their own negative experiences in the group. More popular bloggers they were associated with attacked them relentlessly and sic their thousands of followers after them. And if you try to combat that, they will immediately play the victim, and you will never win. It’s unfair and it’s utter bullshit.
The best bet is to just tip-toe out of it. You might feel like you do, but you really don’t owe anybody an explanation. Bail out.
If a confrontation does happen, even when you simply try to sneak away, let them talk. Do NOT respond to the guilt-tripping, to their vilification of you, or to their false accusations of you being a terrible person. And if they’re as toxic as the people I was once associated with, I guarantee you they will respond like this if they find out you’re pulling away. I’m sure you’ve seen them do it to others, so don’t doubt that they will do it to you, too. Absolutely do not respond to any of it. They will try anything to get you pulled back in, even try to start a fight with you. Read baiting. Eventually, they’ll move on to other targets things.
It might feel uncomfortable, and you might feel guilty about it. You might feel like you are sending the message that you simply don’t care about marginalized people and want bigotry to win or whatever. But if you’re a marginalized person yourself, taking care of yourself and wanting to establish yourself in a healthier environment does show that you care. I highly suggest that you keep your internet involvement to a minimum and really reflect as to why you were involved with such people to begin with. Learn how to engage social justice in a healthier way. Read books instead of Tumblr blogs. Listen to speeches from actual advocates. Talk to your family about their experiences. My father is a black man who was born in a southern, segregated city. And while he doesn’t understand the social justice lingo, I’ve learned a lot from him.
A lot of social justice bloggers on here who scream about white people/men/straight people/etc. actually suffer from some very severe self-hate that they’re just not dealing with. So they’re taking their anger out on everybody else and are using people like you to enable them. And there’s probably a reason why you were attracted to them to begin with, and I really encourage you to explore that reason honestly. You want to get to a place where you don’t feel like you have to be in a group to validate yourself, your feelings, or your experiences. And I promise you that the more you better yourself, you will gain friends. You will build a place where you belong.
None of this is easy, but it’s worth it. I actually failed to do most of this myself. But seeing discussions about it again and seeing that things haven’t really changed on here, I thought maybe I should try to help those who are where I was once in a long, rambly post.
If anybody ever sees and reads this post, I’m sure there will be people who scream about how not all social justice people on Tumblr are like this or try to deflect, pointing out how abusive other communities are. I’ll say the same thing that I’ve said (and still believe) about police officers and the issue of racial bias and police brutality in the U.S. Yeah, some of you are good people, but if you try to silence and ignore those who have been abused within your communities and do nothing but talk about what good people you all are, you are part of the problem.
snowghoul
yousharknotpass
germansingergirl
dededos
janainaart
titsay
vaporwave
jacobvanloon
theartofmadeline
