zib @griev0us-angel - Tumblr Blog

Hello again

I’m thinking of coming back to Tumblr since so many other social media sites have been ruined for me by my coworkers. I feel like I need a space where I can speak freely and connect with people without having to face it all in real life.

I’ve been on tumblr on and off the last couple of years @zibbydoesww where I was chronicling my weight loss. I’m back on my weight watchers grind, but think I’m going to post anything having to do with that here as well. It’s easier to just manage one main blog than several side blogs.

So here’s where I’m at:

- Still at the same company but doing a new job in Marketing rather than Communications. It is kicking my ass but I’m enjoying it overall, I think. I’m wrapping a big project soon and am looking forward to what comes next.

- Still living in Portland with my wonderful boyfriend Peter. We live together now in the same apartment that I’ve been in since I graduated college 3.5 years ago.

- The past three years have been really shitty, I think, but I really think I’m on the other side of it now. First year out of college was weird for obvious reasons but not that bad. Second year was horrible - I was really depressed and anxious the whole year and like was constantly high/drunk if I wasn’t at work just to avoid dealing with all my problems and pain. Third year was rebuilding - physically, mentally. Trying to move past old pain. That’s when Peter moved in - that helped a lot. When I turned 25 in May, I really felt something shift. I feel different now. I feel like I’m looking back on a period of darkness rather than like I’m standing in the middle of it.

With that said, I’m hoping that jumping back into Tumblr and depositing my thoughts here will be a way for me to process the good things that happen to me, to reflect on progress instead of analyzing every moment of my life and twisting it into some dark conspiracy.

So if anyone is reading this - I’m back and I’m excited to be myself again.

#personal

nevver

Snow birds, Walker Berg

nevver

Adult swim, Martin Essl

eastmanmuseum

William Henry Jackson [A Glimpse of Guanajuato. Mexico.] ca. 1885 Albumen silver print 42.5 x 53.6 cm.

I’m been thinking a lot lately about how far away I’m getting from so many of the important times in my life that used to seem like just yesterday. I guess this is what growing up is. Summer camp, college, my home, everything, used to seem so in reach but I’ve found that I’m thinking more and more about where I’m going, and far less about where I’ve been. It makes me sad but I think it’s progress for me. Last year I was pretty obsessed with discovering myself, but through the lens of the person I was up to that point. I think I was trying to find an identity that I could cling on to. The reality is, I’m not the same person. My life is so vastly different now. And aside from the geographic differences, I just have more responsibility, more stress, more things to care about and deal with. So my identity has to be wrapped up in those things to a certain extent.

Anyway, I’m glad to be having this realization now because I feel like its been a long time coming. I feel a sort of clarity. Like I am definitely going to be OK. Even better than OK. I’m going to be great. I am great. And I should be proud of myself. The last two years have been SO difficult for me. Anxiety and depression constantly were shaping my reality. I was hiding, forever, from other people, from my responsibilities, but also from myself. I was just done. I had given up on myself. Last year, I feel like I did myself a few favors and at least was TRYING to make everything better, but it was hard. I still felt held back by something.

But in the last month or so, things have changed a little bit. I feel better. I feel OPTIMISTIC even. How bizarre! So 2017 is the year that I get my life right. Time to upgrade. Time to grow into the grown up life that I have.

We have a new sofa coming on Tuesday. I can’t wait. It was expensive. I felt a pang of guilt after buying it, but then thought, no - I deserve it. Adults spend money on furniture. What else was I going to buy with that money? Cheap work out clothes from Old Navy? Peter and I really do live in the living room and I’m so excited to create a space that’s relaxing but active. Our current couch is SO big and SO comfy and it’s hard not to just melt into it when you’re sitting on it. It’s perfect for getting super stoned and watching TV, which is how I spent most of my free time last year. But I don’t want a space where that’s my default.

We made dinner last night and it was delicious. It was a weight watchers-friendly meal. Peter and I cooked together. He is so supportive and open to trying new foods and low-point meals with me. I am so blessed to have that support in my life.

Fuck it. I’m making Pinterest boards. I’m making a inspiration board in my home office. (I have a fucking home office!!) My plants are growing. I open the blinds during the day so my apartment doesn’t feel like such a cave. I feel like I’ve woken up from some bizarre period of hibernation.

All this is to say - I’m halfway through my 24th year. Whenever people ask how old I am, I accidentally say I’m 25. I think I’m dreading my early twenties ending. And this is how I know I’m really growing up. I’m thinking about making changes, I don’t feel scared. I want to find a new job. I’ve been throwing things away. ME. THROWING THINGS AWAY. I’m even considered leaving Portland. That last one is the hardest to think about, but at least I’m thinking about it.

C’est la vie.

#personal

Haven't washed my hair after one too many workouts, but it's doing this cute little curl thing and I'm not mad.

#me

illyadarling

fattributes

Hawaiian BBQ Skewers with Sriracha Honey Butter

I should go to the gym but it's so hot out and id love to go a day without spending time In Lloyd district. I'll do my workout at home. I'm wearing my size 14 shorts. Don't think I've been the weight I am now since before graduation. That feels good. Hawaii in 5 days. East coast in 19. Maybe I'll clean out my closet today.