Excuse me while I kiss the sky.

I'm Brenda, this is my personal tumblr. I'll be posting here more often. other blog: http://symphonichaos.tumblr.com/

[groovyladyland]

It's my 15 year anniversary on Tumblr 🥳

[selenophilerose]

“No one will come and save you. No one will come riding on a white horse and take all your worries away. You have to save yourself, little by little, day by day. Build yourself a home. Take care of your body. Find something to work on. Something that makes you excited, something you want to learn. Get yourself some books and learn them by heart. Get to know the author, where he grew up, what books he read himself. Take yourself out for dinner. Dress up for no one but you and simply feel nice. it’s a lovely feeling, to feel pretty. You don’t need anyone to confirm it.”

— Charlotte Eriksson

[groovyladyland]

I sometimes wish I didn’t feel anything. I want to be numb from all the pain. I want to run away from my thoughts. I don’t want to keep feeling this. I have thought the worst of myself and it just keeps getting worse. I have no one to go to for help, I just need to suck it up but now I’m thinking of self-harm. I thought of 2 ways now. What is even the point to all of this? I have no one who truly cares for me. My well-being. 

I don’t think there’s anyway of fixing anything with my mother. I see her now more as someone so troubled and damaged, I see how I’m the same way. 

Lately, it seems like videos and the internet can numb the pain for some minutes. I’m generally not a happy person because I’m too emotional. 

[groovyladyland]

I think this quarantine is getting to me, slightly. I feel unsure of how I’m feeling. I feel all sorts of emotions and I think I’m too connected with the past. I’ve been in some way trying to avoid feeling sad and crying. I’m mourning many losses and that’s the honest truth. I think about all the things I want and I get overwhelmed. I’m scared of the next step and with covid-19, I’m not sure how things are going back to normal. I vision a better society for everyone. I suppose I might not go back to work, but who knows. I’ll keep looking for a job hopefully something pops up and if not I’ll keep waiting for this to go away. At the mean time, I’m trying to have a somewhat routine like workout 3x a week, do yoga, meditate, catch up with shows and help with chores. Also, I’m trying to take my mind of what reminds me of the past. I don’t like having to daydream of scenarios about others. It’s ridiculous. 

[groovyladyland]

I’m at ease at the moment. I’m not even thinking of the past or the future because things are a lot more complicated. I’m not as intrigued or desperate. I think I need to be more mindful of how much energy I’m giving someone. 

[groovyladyland]

concerts I was looking forward 2020

*Caifanes Feb 5th

*Ivy Queen concert, postponed March 12th

*FKA Twigs

*Chicano Batman, postponed May 22nd

*Juanes, postponed

[groovyladyland]

crisis 1:41 AM April 15th, 2020

mental crisis

career crisis

dream crisis

emotional crisis

environmental crisis

intellectual crisis

world crisis

how can one move forward?

[groovyladyland]

Dream 4/12/2020

My dreams were interesting to say the least. From what I can remember, first, Abraham had come over to bring me some shoes. My black boots and I as I walked out to pick them up, I was wearing those boots too. I didn’t see his face clearly, it was pitch dark, but left right after. I should also note, he was driving his white car. 

The next dream consisted of me being in a beach area that I cant put my head around it. There was a small house and felt like I was truly in a dream. Floating and everything seemed clean, empty. Women were around and they announced mama Milia, I saw my face immediately glowed up and saw her walk in. She looked like my mom. It was her in her younger years and not as I last remember her seeing. Maybe once you pass, you choose your best years and get to wear that forever. She was standing and holding my moms hands while facing her. My mom was bawling in happiness and mama Milia was a bit confused to why she was crying. I walked outside and saw the most beautiful lake, it was glowing! It had flowers all around it and I said to myself or someone, “I want to stay here.” It was heaven. 

In a time of distress, I do believe our ancestors look after us. Especially when feeling alone. Not sure where I’m heading but as I walked out heaven I turned around and the house was no longer there. All I saw was people walking like they were going to a concert or a big venue. I was confused. I walked outside the gate which looked like my elementary school. I looked around to see if any of the people waiting were waiting for me and realized no one was there. With my headphones on, I started to walk home and men started harassing me, I noticed they kept following me so I started pacing and started running. 

I’m not sure what this all means but it was nice to dream my grandma. La extraño y se que esta aqui. 

[groovyladyland]

April 2nd

Interestingly enough, you decided to reach out. Do I need to feed your ego? are you bored? I know who I am and who I want to be. I want you to step it up. I’m not any person you can talk to whenever you feel like it. You got a reaction from me and I’m still not sure what you want from me. I think I’m in a good headspace to move on or to continue on with our potential relationship. 

[groovyladyland]

I’m trying to remain cool and collective with everything going on. I’m not sure if I should hold on to these feelings. I think that I’m getting frustrated of pouring my heart and being vulnerable to other people who don’t do the same. I need to be more careful perhaps. I need to maybe focus on myself and give others their time to figure themselves out. I don’t have to know everything they’re going through even though I care. There’s nothing I can do to change their opinions and thoughts of me. Maybe this isn’t about me. 

[groovyladyland]

Day 134345445

Honestly, I hate capitalism. I’m still shopping in etsy and bought some stuff for my room decoration. If I’m going to stay in my room majority of my time, I should have my place decorated however I want. I’ll be putting 6 records on my my wall, I’m not sure which ones yet. I want to add more white and gold details on my wall. Not too many photos. Shit is too overrated. More a plant, hopefully I can keep it alive. I also want to frame the art that I have. Not sure how I’m going to remove the candle stain from my carpet. Fuck. I’ll stop shopping since I don’t know when I’ll be going back to work. Things are going to get worse before they get better. Before all this I was about to buy tickets to see FKA Twigs and Juanes. Chicano Batman and Ivy Queen postpone their shows. I’ve been working out more than usual and I love it. I also have been adding my own routine because I’m that bitch. 

[groovyladyland]

Hello World.

Hello world!

It’s my 4th day of being in quarantine. It’s Monday. All the nintendo switches are sold out and I’m not sure what to do, even though there’s a lot to do. I have an hour to drink some wine and watch some try guys before Anna and Sanaz and I videochat. How wonderful! I’m excited to catch up with them despite the circumstances. I have to check my timecard and update my sick pay days and vacation time. Wow. I never imagined going for unemployment at 25. Right when I thought I was doing what I can to be an adult, go to work everyday, workout, save money, shit hits the fan. Thank god for music, I honestly would have killed myself 10 years ago. That turned dark real quick but yes. This is a good time for self-reflection which I think I do anyways. Maybe now a bit more. Especially with what I want to do in the future. I still fantasize about traveling and maybe settling down on my own somewhere. I’m not sure when I’ll get an update about my u-visa. I probably won’t get any updates about anything anytime soon. The world has paused completely. 

[groovyladyland]

Sunday, March 15th

This past week has been chaotic. The world is going through a pandemic spreading around and schools have been closed, restaurants, bars, libraries, etc. My friends and I cancelled plans and decided not hang out to be precarious of potential spread. Of course, there’s people who are not taking this as seriously like my mom who keeps going to the casino. I have work tomorrow and they are planning to what might happen. I can decide to take a week off and use my PTO but I’ll se what they say tomorrow. Crazy how in our staff meeting we randomly saw the video but there wasn’t much information about it but now there’s enough information saying that we need to practice social distancing for those higher risk. I’m thinking of the clients who are high risk and what they’re going to do for the mean time. As well as the not having a home, etc. 

[groovyladyland]

I don’t know what to do to not feel this void. I think writing, yoga, and exercising has helped a lot but I’m missing something else. I was thinking of getting a piano. There’s enough space in my room to have one and I think I’ve always enjoyed people play it. It’d also be the least noisiest instrument to play if I buy headphones. I also need to get my record player! I think next paycheck. I also need to make an appointment to see a dentist and that’s going to be my focus now. In me. It’s hard to change your ways especially if you care for others so much. I need to spend more time with myself as much as I do that anyway. I feel comfortable at times but I feel like it can be too lonely. I’ve officially been to 3 concerts on my own and most shopping, runs, walks, exercises, pretty much everything I do on my own. I guess I’m just preparing for the future. 

[groovyladyland]

And just like that, it’s over. As if he’s helping with my next novel. I’m not insecure, I have trust issues and this was exactly what I feared. For myself to open and feel vulnerable. How can a man make me feel and act this way? To my luck, these emotions I have felt before so the healing process might be easier to deal with. I’m no longer falling for men who don’t see my worth and are unwilling to see themselves deeper. I refuse to be your reminder of how one needs to heal. You laugh and ridiculed at the idea of people being damaged when you yourself are hiding through the patriarchal blocks are you. They are saving you and other men. You are not the only one. I’m willing to forgive but at the moment I need time. I’m open to forgiveness and communication and you're not. At least you have given me 0 indicator that you want to try. At least not with me. Maybe you’re bored and you’re trying to insert yourself in different women, that’s fine but I rather get away from that. I didn't listen to inner self, my gut, my body. 

[groovyladyland]

unusual asks

1: Do you ever wish you were someone else?

maybe like Beyonce or Rihanna

2: What is your full name?

Brenda rubi marquez basave

3: How old are you and how old do you get mistaken for?

I don't get mistaken because most people don’t ask

4: Have you ever dyed your hair?

I’ve had ombre hair for a min

5: What’s your eye color?

brown

6: Your opinion about your body and how comfortable you are with it

0 confidence, next question

7: Do you have any tattoos or piercings?

ears

8: What would you say is your best quality?

patients

9: What are you really bad at?

listening

10: What talent do you wish you had?

being good at math or singing

11: Are you nice to everyone?

yes

12: What do you think about the most?

stupid shit

13: Things you like/dislike about yourself

overthinking

14: What is your least favorite word?

the word females

15: What is your favorite word?

melancholy 

16: Are you more like your mom or your dad?

most likely mom

17: Would you ever smile at a stranger?

I do it often

18: A reason you’ve lied to someone

save my or their ass

19: Are you lying about anything right now?

nope

20: Have you kissed someone older than you?

I think so

21: Do you believe in love at first sight?

no

22: Do you believe in soulmates?

sure

23: Are looks important?

yes

24: Opinion on relationship age differences

too old too young is a PROBLEM

25: Would you date someone off the Internet?

nope

26: Have you ever cried over a boy/girl?

yes

27: Have you ever wanted someone you couldn’t have?

no

28: Anyone you’re giving up on right now?

kind of

29: Have you ever liked someone who your friends hated?

no

30: Have you ever liked your best friend?

no

31: How does someone win your heart?

communication, honesty and just being understanding

32: What turns you on?

thoughtfulness and willingness 

33: What turns you off?

LIARS

34: Do you get jealous easily?

I think so

35: What is your definition of cheating?

if your partner is emotionally/physical invested in someone else 

36: Do you forgive betrayal?

yes

37: Have you ever been cheated on?

idk

38: Have you ever cheated on someone?

no

39: How often do you listen to music?

most of the time, like now

40: First concert you attended

rbd

41: Last movie you watched

I think it was the zodiac 

42: Favorite type of movie

43: Is there something that happened in your past that you hate talking about?

school

44: Are you good at hiding your feelings?

yes

45: Do you fall in love easily?

no

46: Do you think people say I love you too much?

no

47: What’s your favorite holiday?

thanksgiving because it’s near my bday

48: Are you a forgiving person? Do you like being that way?

I guess I am

49: Where’s the most magical place on earth?

my bed 

50: What’s your “type”?

[groovyladyland]

It’s the last day of the month. I feel tired and kind of sad for some odd reason. I saw my coworker cry. The client she had was not cooperating and yelled at her. the guy was chill with me but he was evidently on drugs, I’m guessing cocaine since that has been his preference of use. I made sure she was okay and she seemed better after getting olive garden. I didn’t like their break sticks too much. I’m trying to avoid everything regarding the impeachment trials because it’s only going to upset me even more. I’m thinking I miss him more than I realized. I have these fear that he might not want me as much as I do. We went 3 days without talking and even though we are not official, I still want him to miss me and want me. I don’t know where his head is at but I do know that time will tell. I hate long distance! maybe it’s better this way but idk how long I can go without seeing him for more than 3 weeks! Yikes! This doesn’t sound like me at all.