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Liveblogging: just, like, in general.

[gstfkr]

And as a general mental health side note oh my god I think I’m fucking /great/. The things I say are fucking hilarious. I like myself a lot. And as the testosterone is more and more Doing Its Thing, I’m getting prettier and prettier. God. I am pretty fucking happy.

[gstfkr]

so I stepped away from tumblr for a bit because the whole mindless content browsing thing was really sucking up my time, but this whole venting/reflection setup works pretty good for me so I’m back. Maybe I can have another go at networking my social shit here too, I dunno. S O , status update time I guess

I fucking!! have a job and have had a job for a while now. The novelty has worn off so it feels p routine now but objectively I am more productive now than I was before, and way more productive w/ this than I was at school. Or like, ever. Huh. I guess at work is the most productive I’ve ever been. Hm. And also I have money now, so I’ve mostly been saving that and spending a good amount on the fam and occasionally getting myself something nice (like a $90 dragon dick that has yet to ship out). And I’m hoping that as I’m getting used to the working life that I’ll start valuing my free time more and be more productive then too. And just, getting more organized and starting projects n shit. And in other bureaucratic adult shit news, I swear to god I am so close to taking my driver’s test, I’ve been practicing and I need to get my hands on an insurance form thing and after that I can get my fuckingngfmgn license and figure out the whole driving thing. my dad said he’s help pay for / buy(???) me a cheapo car, so that would be nice. And since I don’t really have living expenses rn I’ve been saving the grand majority of my money.

Social-wise I’m doing. okay. I guess good. I still feel kinda pathetic in comparison to literally everyone else but I’m getting kinda friendly w/ people at work and conversations are getting easier. I’m not super confident and I still don’t have *friends* but I am getting better I guess. I’m still tryna decide where to go from here. I started a reddit account a bit ago and I did a very small amount of social-ish sorta things, but it has mostly ended up as a content browsing replacement for tumblr. I’m also getting worried that my fixation on comics is actually that same thing, so I’ve been paring that down a bit. Like I am legit interested in literary analysis but I don’t externalise that and find myself just checking back and forth for new things to point my eyes at. I could like. Blog about that I guess??? I mean one of the reasons I’m doing this is because I kinda like writing. 

On that note, I’ve been having trouble with, an indecision thing. I kinda doubt this is a thing many other people experience, especially people that had typical adolescences, but I feel like I kinda have to pick my interests? Like there are so many subjects that I’ve had a very casual interest in throughout the past couple years and I couldn’t really make anything of them. I guess there’s drafting (I should download blender or something and start doing that because I actually fucking love that weird simulation shit) but I abandoned drawing and fandom horseshit which took up. Pretty much all of the precious little time I didn’t spend dissociating and having panic attacks. In addition (and I’ve touched on this a lot, at least in my head) I’ve just been so conditioned against getting engaged in things and repeatedly punished whenever I actually got passionate and I’m just, afraid that I’ll need to find a way to manually fix that too. Maybe it’s just indecision still but I’m worried that it’s a whole different problem that’s deeper than I know. I dunno. I’ve tried writing out lists of what I think is worth getting “into” but it hasn’t worked yet. I’m fucking scared of making the ‘wrong choice’ and yeah, I am also scared of. Being passionate in general. Shit. I think that is a problem with me. But maybe it’s one I’m already working on fixing? Okay. I think I’ll uh, instead of compiling a list of /potential/ interests I should try and make a list of things that get me going. Like, webcomics, and there’s this whole inscrutable category of ‘weird internet shit’ like SCP’s and shitty 3d simulations and amateur casual pc games that I’m really fucking into. And I guess I do get into little engineering things.

That also ties into (goddamn this is getting long) my whole career choice dilemma. Because I’ve definitely been Super Into 1) mechanical engineering 2) genetic engineering and 3) architecture, and somewhat developed that interest in a productive way, but am currently not Super Into any of those things. Maybe that’s a sort of special interest issue? Maybe I should see a therapist again???? Also I should make sure I’m not neglecting the whole fucking college thing???????????? 

I guess I’m into getting so fucking existential that I need to take a break from thinking to stop myself from Not Having A Day. 

I just need to dip my toes into shit I guess. I’ll make a list of Core interests that I am definitely into, a list of shit I should get into some of and a list of ???? shit. I can bifurcate it by shit I actually like to practical shit, which should take up some time but not necessarily passion. Yeah. That should fix this, and then I can get back to, things I need to be doing now.

So this whole time I’ve been thinking of a Plan. Outline time. So I’ll make them lists just to get shit organized, then I’ll start/repurpose a blog for shit I just need to get out there. Like comic shit and, whatever captures my attention I guess. Which I GuEsS is mAyBe the whole point of a blog or something. God. This is why I need friends. Need to put up an ad for people to stop me from embarking on these frigging existential ignoramus quests. So I’ll do all that good shit and then I’ll sleep because I just worked my ass off for like 9 hours why did I think I should try and stay up for 38 hours? Goddamn.

Oh an speaking of I work as a baker which is actually a thing I like and the pay isn’t terrible and the people are Real Cool So Far, and it has been kicking my fucking ass so I’m always Capital S Sleepy™; BUT that is largely because I am A) now getting a shit ton of exercise and B) on testosterone and therefore building those good Boy Muscles at an ungodly rate. I gots motherfucking triceps n shit now. Goddamn I’m tired. List time than speepy time. Night babes

[gstfkr]

general life status: so I DID get screwed over and haven’t had a job since (never saw any money from the last one either) but at least I didn’t get sued??? so not having a job still sucks.

otherwise things are lookin good though, I took the ACT and the SAT and I think I did good on both, I’m learning to drive again, I’m getting back into a schedule and eating better and being more organized. I got my wish list and things sorted early this year, and I’ve been cleaning and maintaining our stuff really well. And just being more motivated in general, I get a lot more things done every day than I ever have.

Transition wise things are good too!! I’m steadily getting more hair and getting stronger. I’m still not very masculine but I feel closer every day :) . And I’m way more confident, doing what I want and taking risks and leaving my comfort zone have been so much easier lately, not to mention talking since my voice has gotten lower! And I noticed recently that I’ve actually been laughing lately? I never used to, and only in short bursts if ever. But I’ve laughed a lot at all kinds of shit the last few days. Life is good.

[gstfkr]

Also I don’t wanna get sued and accused of theft or property damage or something holy shit

[gstfkr]

I... may have gotten screwed over and I don’t know how to feel about that. I don’t know if that’s because of how surprised I am or because a coworker is currently depending on me to give some evidence on whether /he’s/ getting screwed over or not. When he contacted me sounding concerned my first instinct was to comfort him? And convince him that it’d be fine. I don’t know if that was purely instinct or if I wanted to comfort myself/ prove myself right??? Anyways now I’m freaking out a bit because he introduced the possibility that, if our boss is being dishonest, he might attempt to sue us over pretty egregious made-up shit??? Like theft and property damage?????? And I don’t wanna spend all my time worrying about that possibility, especially if it’s less likely than it seems now. Though if that DOES happen I don’t wanna be surprised by it. I don’t wanna be emotionally unprepared.

[gstfkr]

Still doing good!! I have a job now, $10/hr in a lil cubicle. I’m a lot better at this (and things in general) than I thought??? Also haven’t been misgendered once. Not sure anyone there even knows I’m trans. ANYWAYS. I came here to say that boys are still really fuckin pretty.... I’ve been looking at media w/ transmen more often and god.... so cute.....

[gstfkr]

so, life update: things are pretty fuckin good. my trip went great, nothing bad happened when i got back, and I think it really was good for me psychologically. I've been a lot more productive and a lot happier since then. I've gone to a couple job interviews, applied for a bunch more, and kept it cool during all of them. I've cooked some new stuff, which turned out great, and studied for the act n such.

also great: being on testosterone. my voice really is getting deeper and I'm getting more hair. I have to shave my upper lip, have a bit of a happy trail, and got real excited just now when I noticed that I actually have dark hair on my thighs. Even before that, I could tell where it was coming in from the little irritated pores all over my legs. I'm really happy ☺️.

I'm just doin good in general. I find myself smiling more often that not, even when I'm not doing anything in particular.

[gstfkr]

so, it kinda brings a new depth to the poverty of my childhood, when I recognize all the 'fancy' things we owned while scrolling through dollar store catalogs.

[gstfkr]

thinkin bout... the same exact shit as my last ramble here. I still can't get my dad to understand this shit. Now, I wanna visit my mom and her family, her parents and my brother and aunt and uncle and kid cousin, to fill in some of the gaps. It's so important to me... I need to go. I will go. He just keeps trying and trying to convince me not to. I see his point, and I worry about it, but I really think I need to do this first. I need to have a life worth living

[gstfkr]

I love so many things. I wanna love people. I think that would make me feel far more accomplished than anything else.

[gstfkr]

I took 120mg of melatonin and am taking solace in the fact that Boys Are Still Good 👌💯😛

[gstfkr]

I’ll just try and keep this simple, because I can’t even fully articulate this to myself: My mental illness kept me from learning anything throughout my entire adolescence except avoidance and numbness. I’m not trying to sound melodramatic, I honestly remember jack shit about that whole time period. I can recall flashes of particularly emotional moments, but that’s useless. There are so many things I should know, that everyone else my age knows, that I never had the opportunity to learn. The simplest skills escape me. I just can’t describe how much basic shit I don’t have any experience with. And I’m learning now! I have had to start at square 1, but I’m learning.

That still all fucking sucked, though. Just thinking about it puts me back there, pulls me into another vortex of bad thoughts. But there’s no other way to explain what I’m doing now. And my dad, he has no fucking idea. He tries to understand, and it kills me, how confused he must be when I inevitably break down trying to talk about it. He blames himself, he has confused, useless theories about me, and he tries to use them to help but he just doesn’t understand this. And even when I have tried to explain this to him, delved into how, god, I hated myself, I punished myself, I lived in constant fear, totally obscuring reality, how I am trying to recovering from living like an animal... I don’t know how. I just, have no idea how to help him fucking understand. I want him to, for my sake and his, but out of all the times I’ve tried to talk about it, only rarely has even a single piece gotten through. 

He is one of the few people in my life. I want to have more, but how long before even one of them would be willing to understand this? And now, I can’t talk to him about my life, my future, my plans, my goals. As a fucking high school graduate I have no one to talk to about my future. That is FUCKED. But it’s not just that, the emotional utility of it, I want to be able to talk to him about what means the most to me. But every attempt is so fucking painful, if not outright counterproductive. I don’t know.

[gstfkr]

I got a 5, in ap environmental science, so I get an automatic A, even though I almost failed, and my teacher said that was almost impossible, so ha ha ha ha ha

[gstfkr]

took my first dose of testosterone a week ago (26mg), will do my next one in another week. my skin's definitely oilier, texture might be different(??) but that's it so far, probably. I just noticed i have less fat around my jaw but that could just be because I've been exercising a lil more

[gstfkr]

I'm gonna watch oitnb, as a completely self directed action

[gstfkr]

alrighty so. status update.

fixed the history thing and successfully graduated high school!!! my mom visited and I had a great day out w/ her. and we finally directly talked about mental health stuff- she brought up autism and we talked about traits that her, my brother and i have- which was really cool!! and we did some fun stuff. that was saturday, then on sunday i accidentally slept all day and monday i went to myrtle beach w/ my dad and his gf and her daughter who also just graduated. it was fine and also fun. i just bought earrings cause i’m gonna give myself two helix piercings andddd a chew stim thing. i’m gonna, clean my room now.

[gstfkr]

I had a panic attack for about an hour straight in public.