It’s been awhile since i’ve been on tumblr, one of my old blogs turned 7 today, so I decided to log back on and see what I left on that blog and it put a lot into perspective.
I am still healing from a lot of things that have happened to me.
I’ve never disregarded anything a friend of mine has ever done for me, but I also know when I am being disrespected and when someone uses my insecurities and past trauma against me.
I’m grateful for everything anyone has ever done for me, but just because you do things for a person, does not mean you’re a good person. Just because you stick by someone’s side, doesn’t mean you’re a good person.
I’m thankful for the friends who left and for the one’s who stuck by my side.
I’ve been through a lot in a short amount of time.
I’ve cheated. I was sexually assaulted. I’ve been cheated on. My parents are separated.
What i’ve learned about myself is that I am still healing and the parts of me that are healing come from trust issues and moral values. I’ve been put in situations that have compromised my morals and who are you if you don’t have your morals?
Cheating as been one of the biggest things that have influenced me as a person, from me cheating at a young age to being in the middle of my parents cheating on each other, to friends ending up in the hospital because they were found out that they were cheating. I’ve seen cheating destroy relationships. I’ve seen people act selfishly because they believe that cheating doesn’t necessarily hurt the person until they find out. I’ve seen people try to off themselves to avoid being confronted about cheating. It will always be something completely horrific, even if I did it myself back in high school. I didn’t know the damage it actually causes until it was done to me. Did I feel bad when I cheated on my bf? Yes, I ended things with him. Did I have my unjustified reasons to cheat? Yes, I did. Did I ever come clean to him? No. That person did things to me that i’d honestly prefer not to talk about, and at that age the only way I saw myself getting out of that relationship was by finding another one. Did I learn from my mistake? Yes. Did I get my karma? Most definitely.
I have forgiven people in my life for cheating or for doing me dirty, a simple apology especially a change behavior and not only an apology to me, but people who were directly affected by their actions: people they cheated on and the people they cheated with. When you cheat on a person, that person gets hurt whether they know or not. You make them look like a fool behind their back. You hurt the person you’re cheating with, because they may think that they’re going to end up with you. They’re planning this whole ass future with you. No matter how you spin it, cheating is selfish. From the minute you do it, to the minute you stop and you don’t own up to your mistakes by telling the person you cheated on. Just because they don’t know, doesn’t mean you should continue lying to them. No matter how much you talk about you love them and how you care about them, you don’t. You’re looking out for your best interest, what you think is best for you, not the person you love. THAT’S selfish. I realized I can’t be friends with people who don’t align with my morals, especially when it comes to cheating.
I learned a long time ago that I don’t necessarily need anyone, but having friends that add to my life is a plus. Friends that uplift and make me feel good about myself, not constantly bringing me down. I’ve been in really bad friendships before where my friends would treat our friendship like a contest or try to make me feel ugly. I had friends that disrespected me multiple times in front of not only our other friends, but my family as well. I had friends who refused to spell my name right. I had friends who constantly flash their belongings and told me that my taste isn’t expensive and I should fix that. I’ve also had friends that critique my current boyfriend so hard, that it’s not longer about the way that he treats me, but the way he looks and the amount of money he has.
Everyone has their breaking point.
I finally reached mine.
I can’t do it.
