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he wasn't even looking at me and he found me
Monterey Bay Aquarium
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@gxinghome
I like to think about the first law of thermodynamics,
that no energy in the universe is CREATED –
and none is destroyed.
——————————————————————————————-
independent | private | selective
leopold james fitz and jemma anne simmons
as loved by molly and julia
Benny didn’t want to see it, but he looked when Clara did, holding tight to her hand. As soon as she looked away, he did too, reaching out and tucking her hair back behind her ear, hoping that his gentle touch was comforting.
“It’s okay,” he said softly, shaking his head. “I’m here, don’t... don’t worry, Clara. I’m here for you, don’t worry...”
The doctor kept talking, and Benny was barely listening, but he nodded along with it anyways, glancing briefly at him when he left them alone in the room. He kept most of his focus on Clara, though, squeezing her hand again.
“I’ve got you,” he hummed. “We’ll get through this, together. I promise.”
The wound in her shoulder was nice to look at? Benny thought, but he didn’t voice his thoughts out loud. Instead, he just gave Clara’s hand another gentle squeeze, and he leaned closer to her.
“Hey, look at me, just at me, love,” he whispered. “We don’t have to see it, Clara. It’s only the doctor that has to look, so you just focus on me, okay?”
He squeezed her hand again, pressing his lips to her knuckles. “And we’ll focus on something else, yeah? I’ll bring you some proper clothes from home, make you a bit more comfortable, and I can... I can sneak in some food, anything you’d like, yeah? Just focus on me, love.”
Hearing her voice, even for just a moment, was still enough to make him smile. He kissed her knuckles again, squeezing her hand a little tighter to let her know he wasn’t going to leave.
When the doctor came in, Benny leaned back in his chair, but kept his hand holding on to Clara’s. “Not, ah… Not so much indication of pain, but uncomfortable, definitely. I-I cleaned her up a bit, just to try and make her a little bit more at ease, but…”
He trailed off, looking back to Clara. “Are you in pain?” he asked her gently, reaching out to brush her hair away from her eyes. “You… you don’t even have to talk to the doctor, love, just to me, if you’ll be more comfortable.”
The Doctor was asking rapidfire questions (at least it felt that way) and Clara’s head swum. This was too much all at once. Less than an hour ago she’d been unconscious and now people were asking her questions she didn’t know how to answer. She shut her eyes for a moment and took a deep breath before opening them again.
Benny’s fingers brushed her temple and she nodded in response to his question. Yes, she was in pain. Her shoulder felt like someone had stuck a red hot fire poker into it. Although she was conscious of the wound on her stomach, she didn’t know how much of the pain was from the bullet wound and how much was from the literal surgery that had taken place there only hours earlier.
Benny suggested that she talk to him, that she give him the information instead, and in the face of everything that sounded reasonable. She could do cold, hard facts. “My shoulder,” she whispered, voice hoarse. “My stomach. My head is pounding.” She squeezed his hand again as her eyes welled with tears, hoping he’d know that meant she needed help. It wasn’t all physical, either - what she needed most of all was Benny by her side.
He knew that she was in pain, there was no way that she wasn’t, really. Even going through the surgery alone, never mind getting SHOT. Benny nodded at her words, giving her hand another squeeze of reassurance before he turned his head to look at the doctor.
“Her head is pounding, she said, and her shoulder and her stomach are both hurting as well,” Benny told him, relaying all of the information that Clara had whispered to him.
It felt strange, talking to the doctor about Clara as if she wasn’t even there beside him, but he knew that she was terrified and wouldn’t want to speak to anyone but him -- and no matter what, he would be there for her every step of the way.
Hearing her voice, even for just a moment, was still enough to make him smile. He kissed her knuckles again, squeezing her hand a little tighter to let her know he wasn’t going to leave.
When the doctor came in, Benny leaned back in his chair, but kept his hand holding on to Clara’s. “Not, ah... Not so much indication of pain, but uncomfortable, definitely. I-I cleaned her up a bit, just to try and make her a little bit more at ease, but...”
He trailed off, looking back to Clara. “Are you in pain?” he asked her gently, reaching out to brush her hair away from her eyes. “You... you don’t even have to talk to the doctor, love, just to me, if you’ll be more comfortable.”
It hurt that she wouldn’t speak, but he understood why she wouldn’t. ( For days he had been the same way when he got back from his time overseas. It would just take time. )
He got up from his seat carefully, being cautious to not move too quickly and frighten her. Across from her hospital bed, a nurse had come in while she was unconscious, setting aside a washcloth and a basin of water, saying that she would wait until Clara was awake to clean her up.
Benny pulled the tray over, rolling up his sleeves and carefully wetting the wash cloth. “Just… stop me if-if I… hurt you or anything,” he told her, starting to wipe the blood off of her hands, his actions gentle and hesitant, terrified that he would cause her to panic.
She could see how careful Benny was being with his movements and his words and she was grateful for it. They’d had some trouble when Benny had first returned from the war, but Clara had never imagined the tables being turned. Suddenly, the time it had taken Benny to speak after returning made sense to her.
She watched as he rolled up his sleeves and dipped the washcloth in the water, nodding to show she’d heard him. Her big brown eyes were trained on his face, looking to see if she could tell what he was thinking.
The water was cold from sitting in the basin and she jumped a little in surprise, nodding to show him that he was okay to continue. He hadn’t hurt her. She watched as each swipe of the washcloth dulled and eventually removed the spots of blood from her hands, the water in the basin beginning to turn a coppery brown the more often he rinsed the cloth. There was still blood under her fingernails, but there wasn’t anything they could do about that until she had a chance to stand and properly wash her hands. Even so, she felt better already.
He was quiet as he cleaned her up, except for tiny murmurs of sorry whenever he saw her flinch a little. By the time he’d finished up, the water had turned copper, and he was quick to move the water basin away, out of sight.
Benny returned to her side just as quickly as he’d left, taking her hand in his. “I’m... I love you, Clara. And... I’m here now, no matter what. We’ll get through all of this, I promise you. Together.”
He leaned forward in his chair, brown eyes meeting green. “I won’t ever let anything happen to you again, Clara Oswald. On my life, you won’t ever be hurt again. I promise.”
It hurt that she wouldn’t speak, but he understood why she wouldn’t. ( For days he had been the same way when he got back from his time overseas. It would just take time. )
He got up from his seat carefully, being cautious to not move too quickly and frighten her. Across from her hospital bed, a nurse had come in while she was unconscious, setting aside a washcloth and a basin of water, saying that she would wait until Clara was awake to clean her up.
Benny pulled the tray over, rolling up his sleeves and carefully wetting the wash cloth. “Just... stop me if-if I... hurt you or anything,” he told her, starting to wipe the blood off of her hands, his actions gentle and hesitant, terrified that he would cause her to panic.
Benny hardly noticed Danny leave the room, too focused on Clara.
“I’m right here,” he told her, squeezing her hand gently. “I’m here, it’s going to be okay, Clara. Just-just… breathe, I’m here.”
He reached out a trembling hand, his palm resting against her cheek, his thumb gently brushing her tears away. “You’re okay,” he whispered. “You’re safe, I promise, Clara… I’m here, right here with you.”
Carefully, he raised her hand, pressing a light kiss to her knuckles, a tired, tiny smile curling on his lips. “You’re safe.”
She could feel Benny squeeze her hand but it hardly registered as comforting. Everything was overwhelming in that moment, and even her body’s natural response - to cry - hurt like hell. She only remembered bits and pieces of the night before and what she did remember was hazy and terrifying.
Benny’s hand cupped her cheek, his thumb brushing away tears. She could hear what he was saying, she could comprehend the words, but it didn’t feel that way. It didn’t feel like she was okay or safe. It felt like she was broken and she couldn’t shake the feeling of unease that crept through her veins, as if the boogeyman was hiding behind every corner.
Danny returned with the nurse in tow, who promptly moved to Clara’s bedside and began checking vitals and talking to her. None of it really made sense. “Stop,” she mumbled, voice weak. When the nurse didn’t hear her she tried again, voice louder.
“Stop!”
This time the nurse stopped, a frown creasing her forehead as she looked at Clara. Clara took a shaky breath. “I know you’re just - just doing your job,” she explained. “But I - I need to know what’s going on. Can you just tell me… tell me what you’re doing and why? There’s just a lot that doesn’t… that doesn’t make sense to me right now…”
Benny kept a hold of her hand, his thumb brushing over her knuckles in a way that he hoped she would find comforting – she had always found it comforting before. He just hoped he could help her now.
It surprised Benny just as much when Clara told the nurse to stop, and he gave her hand another gentle squeeze. He knew she was scared, terrified. He just wished he had been there to help her. He wished it had been him that was shot, not her.
The nurse gave Clara a nod and a small smile. “It’s okay, Miss Oswald, I’m just checking your IV, oxygen, and your vitals,” she told her. “The doctors will be in to speak with you soon, they’ll explain everything. You’ve been unconscious for a few hours now since surgery, but you’re okay now. Just try not to move too much, alright?”
The nurse’s explanation helped. Clara had always liked being in control of her situation and when she couldn’t be it helped to know what was going on. Then she could control how she reacted to it. The nurse checked a few more things before leaving and Clara reached a shaky hand up to move her hair out of her eyes. She could smell the dried blood on her hand and it made her want to be sick.
Her head was beginning to feel less fuzzy, but as the anesthesia wore off she could feel it pounding in pain. Her chest throbbed and ached. The lights seemed all at once too bright and she closed her eyes against them, forehead creasing into a tiny frown. She remembered reading once that when military pilots completed a crash landing or emergency air evacuation they would go through a checklist. She wiggled her toes and shifted her legs, both responding immediately. She knew her arms worked, even if her right one felt like someone had stuck a hot poker underneath her shoulder blade and twisted it. She could breathe and see and hear and speak.
She felt bad for Benny, poor, sweet, patient Benny who had waited by her bedside for her to wake up only for her to be practically mute. She remembered with a shudder that silence had been the only thing that had helped her, buying her enough time to call the police before she was found hiding in a closet. She could feel her eyes begin to well with tears again.
Benny watched as the nurse left, and Danny gave the pair of them a tiny nod, as if to say, I’ll be just outside if you need me. Benny nodded back, looking back to Clara and holding her hand in both of his own, pressing a gentle kiss to her knuckles.
“I’m so sorry, Clara,” he said weakly, tears stinging in his eyes. “I should have been there for you... I’m so sorry, Clara, my... my brave, beautiful, Clara...” He reached out gently, brushing her hair from her eyes. He could see it on her face that she was still TERRIFIED and that she was uncomfortable.
“Hang on... I’ll get something to clean you up a bit, alright? Just a moment.”
Benny hardly noticed Danny leave the room, too focused on Clara.
“I’m right here,” he told her, squeezing her hand gently. “I’m here, it’s going to be okay, Clara. Just-just… breathe, I’m here.”
He reached out a trembling hand, his palm resting against her cheek, his thumb gently brushing her tears away. “You’re okay,” he whispered. “You’re safe, I promise, Clara… I’m here, right here with you.”
Carefully, he raised her hand, pressing a light kiss to her knuckles, a tired, tiny smile curling on his lips. “You’re safe.”
She could feel Benny squeeze her hand but it hardly registered as comforting. Everything was overwhelming in that moment, and even her body’s natural response - to cry - hurt like hell. She only remembered bits and pieces of the night before and what she did remember was hazy and terrifying.
Benny’s hand cupped her cheek, his thumb brushing away tears. She could hear what he was saying, she could comprehend the words, but it didn’t feel that way. It didn’t feel like she was okay or safe. It felt like she was broken and she couldn’t shake the feeling of unease that crept through her veins, as if the boogeyman was hiding behind every corner.
Danny returned with the nurse in tow, who promptly moved to Clara’s bedside and began checking vitals and talking to her. None of it really made sense. “Stop,” she mumbled, voice weak. When the nurse didn’t hear her she tried again, voice louder.
“Stop!”
This time the nurse stopped, a frown creasing her forehead as she looked at Clara. Clara took a shaky breath. “I know you’re just - just doing your job,” she explained. “But I - I need to know what’s going on. Can you just tell me… tell me what you’re doing and why? There’s just a lot that doesn’t… that doesn’t make sense to me right now…”
Benny kept a hold of her hand, his thumb brushing over her knuckles in a way that he hoped she would find comforting -- she had always found it comforting before. He just hoped he could help her now.
It surprised Benny just as much when Clara told the nurse to stop, and he gave her hand another gentle squeeze. He knew she was scared, terrified. He just wished he had been there to help her. He wished it had been him that was shot, not her.
The nurse gave Clara a nod and a small smile. “It’s okay, Miss Oswald, I’m just checking your IV, oxygen, and your vitals,” she told her. “The doctors will be in to speak with you soon, they’ll explain everything. You’ve been unconscious for a few hours now since surgery, but you’re okay now. Just try not to move too much, alright?”
Benny hardly noticed Danny leave the room, too focused on Clara.
“I’m right here,” he told her, squeezing her hand gently. “I’m here, it’s going to be okay, Clara. Just-just... breathe, I’m here.”
He reached out a trembling hand, his palm resting against her cheek, his thumb gently brushing her tears away. “You’re okay,” he whispered. “You’re safe, I promise, Clara... I’m here, right here with you.”
Carefully, he raised her hand, pressing a light kiss to her knuckles, a tired, tiny smile curling on his lips. “You’re safe.”
Benny wasn’t sure that he could breathe from the moment that he saw Clara. He was only vaguely aware of Danny guiding him to sit down beside her bed. She was so pale… everything was WRONG, none of this was right, none of this was… none of this was the way that it was supposed to be.
He hardly listened to the nurse as she spoke, burying his head in his shaking hands. This couldn’t be happening. Not to her, not his Clara…
“She’ll be… she’ll be okay, right?” he asked, finally looking up, but not at the nurse, at Clara, at her face while she slept, unconscious, sedated and… so pale…
“She’ll-she’ll live, yeah? She’s not… not going to… to…”
Benny couldn’t manage the word, couldn’t manage the thought. A weak laugh passed his lips, forced and shaky. “I was… I was going to propose to her tonight, Danny… Soon as we got home… she would’ve… she probably would’ve been sleeping, I would’ve… woken her up and… asked her to marry me…”
The nurse nodded. “Ms. Oswald is stable. She came through the surgery well. We’ll be monitoring her for some time, but that is worst case scenario, and we’re nowhere close to that now.” There was always the chance she’d take a turn for the worst, but it seemed unlikely. Still, the brunette had a long road of healing ahead of her. The nurse, noticing how Danny was helping, finally retreating and leaving the two men alone with Clara.
Danny hadn’t expected that. He sat quietly beside Benny, hands in his lap. The two had been together for quite some time, but neither of them had ever mentioned marriage. It seemed inevitable for them, though.
“I’m not going to say ‘I’m sorry’ because that feels too… Final,” Danny said. “It feels like I’m admitting something bad has already happened, and that’s not what I want. If there’s one thing we know about Clara, it’s that she’s strong. Your girl is strong, Benny. If anyone can come back from this, it’s her. Especially with your help.”
—
It was hours before Clara stirred, groggy and still feeling fuzzy from the anesthesia. Everything felt blunt, like the rounded edges of a square, and she could just barely place herself in some sort of room. When she finally gained the strength to move her eyes off the ceiling above her she was pleased to see a familiar mop of hair.
“B… Benny?”
It would have been less painful to have his brain set on FIRE, sitting by Clara’s bedside while he just... waited. Waited for her to wake up, wake up and be okay, where they could go back to normal.
Maybe he’d get a chance to propose, properly.
He had started to drift off as he sat beside her, holding her tiny hand in both of his own. As soon as he heard her voice, Benny’s head snapped up, eyes wide in shock.
“Clara?” he asked, his voice gentle, hardly above a whisper. “Hey, breathe, it’s okay, I’m here. I’m here, it’s... everything will be alright, I promise you.”
Benny wasn’t sure that he could breathe from the moment that he saw Clara. He was only vaguely aware of Danny guiding him to sit down beside her bed. She was so pale… everything was WRONG, none of this was right, none of this was… none of this was the way that it was supposed to be.
He hardly listened to the nurse as she spoke, burying his head in his shaking hands. This couldn’t be happening. Not to her, not his Clara...
“She’ll be... she’ll be okay, right?” he asked, finally looking up, but not at the nurse, at Clara, at her face while she slept, unconscious, sedated and... so pale...
“She’ll-she’ll live, yeah? She’s not... not going to... to...”
Benny couldn’t manage the word, couldn’t manage the thought. A weak laugh passed his lips, forced and shaky. “I was... I was going to propose to her tonight, Danny... Soon as we got home... she would’ve... she probably would’ve been sleeping, I would’ve... woken her up and... asked her to marry me...”
A Shot in the Dark //
There were few things Clara remembered about the incident.
She remembered that she’d been watching tv in her pajamas, a bowl of popcorn balanced precariously on the arm of the sofa. She remembered that she’d texted Benny to say she hoped he was having a good time, adding two heart emojis to the end of the text. She remembered that she saw the same commercial five times in the span of one show. Those things were inconsequential.
More importantly, she remembered hearing the door to her flat creak open. She remembered hearing footsteps and the sound of her panicked breaths as she hid in her closet, shaking fingers texting Benny for help. She remembered the beam of light streaming through the opening door.
She remembered pleading for her life. She remembered the gunshot. She remembered feeling warm, sticky blood beneath her fingertips.
——
Danny Pink laughed at a joke his best friend had said as they turned onto Clara’s street. They’d gone out of London the night before to a stag night, and Danny had promised to drive Benny home himself. He pulled into the parking lot of the flats, and put the car into park, peering out the window.
“Wow, the place is busy,” he commented, but something didn’t feel right. He realized what it was quickly: behind the throng of people was police tape. Camera flashes went off from crime scene workers documenting a scene. At the center of it all was Clara’s front door, lock jimmied open.
Both men leapt out of the car.
The moment that Benny saw the police tape, he’d gone running out of the car, sprinting towards the tape and all of the flashing lights. His heart was pounding in his chest, feeling light-headed as he went. He knew that Danny was right behind him, but at that moment, it felt like he was alone, running miles and miles to get to where Clara was.
“CLARA!” he shouted, trying to pull away from a police officer that stopped him, telling him he needed to calm down, that this was a crime scene and he couldn’t cross the tape.
“I don’t give a damn about the tape!” he screamed, red in the face from running, from the FEAR he could feel pouring through his veins. “I-I live here, with Clara -- Clara Oswald, where... where is she? What’s happened? Where’s Clara?”
He could feel his heart sinking in his chest when the officer turned to get another, pulling Benny and Danny both aside to explain to them what had happened. He felt like he was going to be ill, listening to what had happened. Clara had been alone... she must’ve been so terrified, and he hadn’t been there for her...
As soon as the officer told them which hospital Clara had been brought to, the pair of them were off again, running to the car to get to her as quickly as possible.
By the time Benny and Danny arrived there was an officer waiting for them. He recognized the two men immediately, crossing the waiting room to meet them.
“You’re here about Clara Oswald,” he said, by way of introduction. “I’m officer McCord, I accompanied the paramedics here. From what I understand, they’ve just finished surgery. There should be a doctor coming to speak with you soon.”
Danny was stood at attention, an old habit from the war that he didn’t seem to be able to break. “Can you give us any information about what happened?”
The officer gave him a strained half-smile. “I can tell you some things,” he conceded. “But because this is still an open investigation, there are some things I won’t be allowed to share until after detectives have spoken with Miss Oswald.”
He took a breath, meeting Benny’s eyes. “We know that someone broke in. Miss Oswald hid in her closet and phone the 911 operator, who managed to get a partial address from her before the phone went dead. They were able to use that partial address and pings from the cell towers to locate the flats. From there they were able to determine which flat she was in. When they found her, they determined that whoever had broken in had shot her, twice. She’d lost a lot of blood. They brought her here, and immediately into surgery. At the moment, that’s all we know, but -“
His eyes slid from Benny’s to someone over Benny’s shoulder, and he nodded curtly. “This is her assigned nurse. It seems Miss Oswald is out of surgery. Given that this is part of an active investigation, they’ll let her recover and wake up in a private room where some officers can keep an eye on her. Would you like to wait back there?”
Benny tried his best to keep up in the conversation, to keep up with what all of the doctors and nurses were saying, but it all sounded wrong. Someone had broken in to their flat -- that much Benny understood. Break-ins happened, Clara was brave -- but it was the next piece of the puzzle that Benny couldn’t understand.
She had been S H O T twice. Someone had shot Clara, one of the kindest human beings Benny had ever met in his whole life, had been shot, and all because what? Because someone decided to rob their flat? And if Benny had been home earlier, she wouldn’t have been ALONE...
His heartbeat quickened when the officer addressed the nurse. He said something about letting her rest, about the police keeping an eye on her, but he shook his head.
“No, can... Can I see her?” he asked, wringing his hands together. Every second that he wasn’t with her was hell. “Please, I... I need to see her, to-to see she’s... alive.”
A Shot in the Dark //
There were few things Clara remembered about the incident.
She remembered that she’d been watching tv in her pajamas, a bowl of popcorn balanced precariously on the arm of the sofa. She remembered that she’d texted Benny to say she hoped he was having a good time, adding two heart emojis to the end of the text. She remembered that she saw the same commercial five times in the span of one show. Those things were inconsequential.
More importantly, she remembered hearing the door to her flat creak open. She remembered hearing footsteps and the sound of her panicked breaths as she hid in her closet, shaking fingers texting Benny for help. She remembered the beam of light streaming through the opening door.
She remembered pleading for her life. She remembered the gunshot. She remembered feeling warm, sticky blood beneath her fingertips.
——
Danny Pink laughed at a joke his best friend had said as they turned onto Clara’s street. They’d gone out of London the night before to a stag night, and Danny had promised to drive Benny home himself. He pulled into the parking lot of the flats, and put the car into park, peering out the window.
“Wow, the place is busy,” he commented, but something didn’t feel right. He realized what it was quickly: behind the throng of people was police tape. Camera flashes went off from crime scene workers documenting a scene. At the center of it all was Clara’s front door, lock jimmied open.
Both men leapt out of the car.
The moment that Benny saw the police tape, he’d gone running out of the car, sprinting towards the tape and all of the flashing lights. His heart was pounding in his chest, feeling light-headed as he went. He knew that Danny was right behind him, but at that moment, it felt like he was alone, running miles and miles to get to where Clara was.
“CLARA!” he shouted, trying to pull away from a police officer that stopped him, telling him he needed to calm down, that this was a crime scene and he couldn’t cross the tape.
“I don’t give a damn about the tape!” he screamed, red in the face from running, from the FEAR he could feel pouring through his veins. “I-I live here, with Clara -- Clara Oswald, where... where is she? What’s happened? Where’s Clara?”
He could feel his heart sinking in his chest when the officer turned to get another, pulling Benny and Danny both aside to explain to them what had happened. He felt like he was going to be ill, listening to what had happened. Clara had been alone... she must’ve been so terrified, and he hadn’t been there for her...
As soon as the officer told them which hospital Clara had been brought to, the pair of them were off again, running to the car to get to her as quickly as possible.
you will remember me for centuries. [insp]
url change ; adifferentkindofeleven -> gxinghome
out of the tardis ;
i should be asleep but i’m? thinking of changing my url? any suggestions?
