Jimmy wanted to have sex tonight.
I knew somewhere inside me that it wouldn't go well, but I missed feeling that closeness- I was actually pretty desperate for it and have been for the past few days.
It started like it always does. It took me years to perfect my approach and learn how to please a man like him, so I know exactly what he needs based on his body's reaction to my touch. There are days where Jim doesn't want certain things, and I can tell by how his muscles contract under his skin, or how quick he's breathing, and that usually alerts me to change course. Things seemed fine tonight... normal even.
But when I pushed my hands up his shirt to remove it, he physically recoiled. I immediately stopped, of course, even when he insisted that he was fine and that he just "twitched". I knew it was a lie. He had never reacted so poorly to my touch, especially while I was undressing him. He usually can't get out of his clothes fast enough.
I tried to talk with him about how I could make him the most comfortable if he didn't want to stop, but he immediately shut down. He gets this look in his eye when he starts to mentally leave... this dull, lifeless stare that is always avoiding me. It's scary for me because I don't know where he goes. Somewhere deep inside himself, almost like his skin is the wall he put up between us and his being is curled tightly inside his ribcage.
He got up and locked himself in the bathroom for about an hour after. When he came out, he looked worn, and he crawled into bed without a word.
I am trying not to give up on him when he gets like this. Rolling over and going to sleep wasn't a possibility even though it's what I'm used to doing. I knew it wasn't me, you know? I knew I didn't do anything wrong with the knowledge I had in that moment. There is something between us right now, a mistake we made together.
I spent a long time in bed with him trying to bring him back, but he didn't really want to discuss how he felt until he slept on it. I get it...
Well, I don't, but I want to.
Sorry for another short journal. Jim is asleep on me so I typed this with one hand.