Ep. 2- Fright N’ Roll Night Rock
[Short upbeat tune]
Electronic Voice: Hadron Gospel Hour
[Rift sound effect]
Mike: Good morni— good evenin— uh, good whatever it is, folks.
A.S.H. Le: Good times, Mike.
Mike: I guess that’ll work. Let me just say that my latest adventure in the rift has spawned a bounty of candy wealth [wrapper crinkling] unseen since the Halloweens of my youth. Oh, and I got Esmeralda’s fragment, here.
A.S.H. Le: That brings the total fragments retrieved to two hundred and thirty.
Oppenheimer: Not bad for two months work, well done Michael.
Mike: Thank you, thank you. So, A.S.H. Le, how many fragments are left?
A.S.H. Le: Approximately 2.5 trillion.
Mike: [sighs] ‘Kay, well, um, perhaps you’d like to sample the spoils of my Halloween haul, doctor.
[crinkling]
Oppenheimer: What’s this then? Some corporate branded, bite sized conglomeration of guar gum and red number five, I gather? I’m going to put these through the particle scanner.
[crinkling]
Mike: I beat my personal best of ten pounds of candy. This last rift jumped proved to be very trick or treat friendly, no one around. Just empty neighbourhoods full of unoccupied houses with bags of candy on every porch. I also found this cool eighties van with the keys still in it [three beeps], hopped in, and just went to town.
A.S.H. Le: Congratulations Mike.
Mike: Thanks, A.S.H. Le
Oppenheimer: Hm. No doubt the jubilant rush immediately following the arrival of your most recent personal triumph muffled the most obvious of questions.
Mike: Wh-What d’you mean? Where the people were? Long gone, most likely. But the candy, I knew I could save the candy.
Oppenheimer: Care to share the results of the scan, A.S.H. Le?
A.S.H. Le: A compressed oxygen and carbon based substance consisting of water, proteins, lipids, appetite, complex carbohydrates, and a hearty mixture of dissolved inorganic ions.
Mike: Well I could have told you that.
Oppenheimer: People, Michael. You were about to eat people.
Mike: Gah! What? Are they alive?
A.S.H. Le: Negative. It would appear the hadron affect in that particular location had somewhat different resulting set of quantum mutations.
Mike: Moral dilemma averted, then. Jeez, I think I would have preferred razor blades, or pins in my mounds bars.
A.S.H. Le: Don’t be silly, Mike, everyone knows that was just mass hysteria, like the Salem Witch Trials and the Segway.
Mike: What’s on the agenda professor?
Oppenheimer: Precisely nothing, it would seem. 57 million timelines and nothing’s on. I would have previously thought this statistically impossible, but here I sit...
Mike: That can’t be true.
Oppenheimer: Broken hearted.
Mike: You should give your eyes a rest. And you potential poetry debut, maybe let that one cook for a while. Uh, what’re hoping to find anyway with this?
Oppenheimer: This marvellous device is a rift diactualator, a sort of decoder for the multifaceted nature of the rift that has torn countless realities asunder. Not unlike chat roulette. You see Michael, to the untrained eye this densely complicated visual code most likely appears to be nothing more than just that, random code written in a long forgotten language of probable alien origin.
[brief static]
Mike: That sort of looks like the Eiffel Tower to me...
Oppenheimer: Over the years I have stared endlessly into the static, interpreting, translating...
[brief static]
Mike: That’s probably the moon on fire...
Oppenheimer: And eventually seeing it for what it really was.
[brief static]
Mike: And that is definitely a heard of cattle with baseball caps on their heads.
Oppenheimer: Hm, well, it would seem that you, too are gifted with the sight. Although, I more recently see it as somewhat of a curse.
Mike: Can I browse through for a while?
Oppenheimer: By all means.
Mike: [brief static] There’s some sort of acrobat marathon, [brief static] this looks like a bunch of zombies in a supermarket… [brief static]
Oppenheimer: Yes, yes, typical rift fare.
Mike: Volcano eruption, [brief static] rioting, [brief static] oh there’s a cat with glasses… [brief static]
Oppenheimer: Far to much of that.
Mike: Woah, what have here?
[A weird noise starts, not unlike rushing water, but more threatening and gargle-y. It continues as the guys talk]
Oppenheimer: The horror! Quickly Michael, do not gaze upon such an abomination, my eyes be damned!
Mike: Well that reaction was unexpected. Are we both looking at the same thing?
Oppenheimer: I fear that should you continue on this fools course that only madness lie ahead for you! This creature is an indescribable monstrosity!
Mike: I wouldn’t say that is was… indescribable.
Oppenheimer: Of course it is. The focus of all that is pure evil in unbound space and time, how could one describe such a thing? A thing that should not be!
[Oppenheimer makes scared yelps and exclamations as Mike talks]
Mike: Well, I guess I’d start by saying that he’s like a three hundred foot headless, winged, humanoid creature, with a squid-like head, hundreds of tentacles protruding from where the mouth would normally be, it looks like he’s got a bunch of tentacles on his back… he’s covered in ooze… I would say there’s definitely an ocean theme going on.
Oppenheimer: Spare yourself, Michael, your mind must be moments from death!
[More noises from Oppenheimer]
Mike: Massive clawed hands… He got a tunic, or remnants of a tunic, which really isn’t— well, it’s not doing anything for the ooze. [Oppenheimer falls silent] It’s okay, relax, it’s just a code right, just a viewer? This things best attribute, it can’t see us at all. [Mike pauses and the creature’s noises get louder] Okay, he’s looking at us. Well, that was fun while it lasted.
[Theme song starts]
Intro: In the year 2008, in a secret underground lab beneath the large hadron collider, Dr. Oppenheimer Valdini was experimenting with a way to weaponize the so-called “hadron effect” and create the most destructive force ever known to mankind. A freak accident caused the hadron weapon to misfire, tearing a rift in the fabric of space-time, remaking our world and the parallel timelines of the multiverse into an infinite succession of horrors. Mike Wilkinson, I.T. guy by day and indie filmmaker by night was snatched from his world, and thrust into a terrifying dimension of madness and pseudoscience. Now, Oppenheimer and Mike roam the multiverse, chronicling the end of all that is, desperately trying to find a way to heal the rift and restore order to the timeline the only way they know how: by hosting a podcast.
[Theme music intsteifies]
Hadron Gospel Hour! Written by Michael McQuilkin and Richard Wentworth. Starring Richard Wentworth, Michael McQuilkin, Lisa McQuilkin, Michael Atkinson, and Wendy MacLean. With special guest star, John Mikl Thor.
And now, the hour has arrived! Hadron Gospel Hour!
[Theme song ends]
[Faint alarm sounds in background throughout scene]
A.S.H. Le: Imminent structural damage. The bunker will be compromised shortly.
Mike: So this is like a panic room, right? The safest part of the ship— uh, base— uh, what is this thing we’re in again?
Oppenheimer: No, no, nothing like that, I just needed a chance to gather my thoughts. Figure out the best course of action and preserve the integrity of the bunker.
Mike: Let me see if I can find the light… Okay, this is a closet.
Oppenheimer: Well, it’s more of a storage alcove, actually. With a door.
Mike: Let’s see… Shoes, tie rack, hanging jackets here next to my face. Yeah, I’m sticking with closet.
Oppenheimer: Michael, please! I need to think.
Mike: Well doesn’t this… vessel have any sort of defence mechanisms? Electrify the hull or something?
Oppenheimer: Of course! Defence mechanisms! Brilliant Michael.
Mike: Hey, that’s what I’m here for apparently.
Oppenheimer: A.S.H. Le! A.S.H. Le!
A.S.H. Le: Yes, professor?
Oppenheimer: Engage any and all bunker defence mechanisms immediately. [pause] A.S.H. Le?
Mike: This building-house has defence mechanisms, right?
Oppenheimer: Of course it does, though I’ve never had the need to use them prior. A.S.H. Le is an advanced A.I. bunker control entity, capable of handling billions of commands simultaneously. A.S.H. Le!
A.S.H. Le: Thank you for using the light edition of Automated Servitor Heuristics. To unlock advanced features such as exporting Automated Servitor Heuristic to popular formats, defence capabilities, and being able to listen to Automated Servitor Heuristic on your portable devices, please visit the Umbra Digital website at h-t-t-p-colon… [A.S.H. Le fades out as Mike and Oppenheimer talk]
Mike: You still haven’t updated? How many months has it been since Crystalos? Or that kerfuffle on Meatlantis, didn’t we talk about this?
Oppenheimer: Well Michael, let’s not argue on the merits of frugality at a time like—
Mike: Merits of frugality?!
Oppenheimer: Do you have any idea how much a custom artificial intelligence like A.S.H. Le costs, Michael? I could barely afford the lite edition!
Mike: Oh.
Oppenheimer: And furthermore, I certainly wasn’t going to start with an experimental A.I. prototype without some intense bench testing!
Mike: Well, I look forward to reading that report. Oh, no, wait. Wait a minute, I won’t be able to read anything, I’m about to die!
Oppenheimer: Now now, let’s rectify this immediately. They’ve provided a link to their website, we can upgrade right now and be done with it. To the server room!
[Rift sound effect]
[There’s still a constant alarm in the background, but it’s less faint now]
Mike: Jesus, I’ve never seen it so red-lit and smoke-filled in here.
Cyrus: Oh hey guys! Kinda noisy all of a sudden. Anything I can help with?
Oppenheimer: Yes, excellent. [muttering] “Anything I can help with”… Seriously.
Mike: Hi Cyrus, uh, we’ve got a bit of a problem that we need to rectify at the server room so…
Cyrus: Mike, Mike, I understand. you’ve got your priorities right now, I get it. You don’t need tot make time out of your busy schedule to set my mind at ease, that’s on me. I shouldn’t be putting that on you—
Mike: Uh, good, good. That’s great, Cyrus, I appreciate it.
Cyrus: Stuck in a wall or not, I understand how difficult it can be dealing with what life throws at you.
Mike: Great.
Cyrus: I used to fret about being late for things, the hustle and bustle of life in the city. I’d ask myself, I’m I doing enough? Have I maximized my potential? Did I tell everyone that needed to hear it that I loved them?
A.S.H. Le: Hull breached. Alien entity has morphed its shape and entered the bunker.
Mike: Cyrus—
Cyrus: I’d be in the supermarket, just doing a thing everyone has to do, but I’d be think about the fifty places I should be at the same moment. Multitask, multitask! Never appreciate—
Mike: I know exactly what you’re saying, let’s continue this at a later—
Cyrus: Of course, I don’t have any of those conflicts now. Fused to the wall, hopelessly immobile.
Mike: Okay, that’s my cue!
Cyrus: Look, trust me, I get it, godspeed. I envy you in a way!
[Alarm gets faint again]
Oppenheimer: Took you long enough, Michael. I told you about that man in the hall, quite the talker. Can’t give him a minute or you’ll be there all day. Anyway, come here. This terminal should do the job. Here’s the link, [typing sounds] and here we are loading and… Hm. Strange minimalistic design on their homepage, I can’t seem to locate the purchase.
Mike: That says “404 page not found”. Is there even such a thing as the internet out here?
Oppenheimer: Damn. Apparently not. Interesting, it’s been said the internet could survive a nuclear war what with all its redundant routes— mesh digital and analog conduits— but a single blast from the hadron canon seems to have put it on ice. Looks like the multiverse wasn’t the only casualty of the grim flame of my genius.
Mike: [clears throat] Professor, I’m as big a fan of irony and hubris as the next guy, but uh…
Oppenheimer: I’m going to try to reset A.S.H. Le and get her back online at least. Let’s see, um… Ah! There we go. A.S.H. Le? [typing sounds]
A.S.H. Le: I am here, professor. Would you like me to further research the merits of frugality for you?
Oppenheimer: I see, your programmers hobbled the defensive capabilities in their lite edition but had the foresight to make sure the sarcastic humour component was fully functional? What I wouldn’t give to shake their sweaty little hands right at this—
[pause]
Cyrus: Hey fellas?
Mike & Oppenheimer: Yeah?
Cyrus: There’s a guy here. In the hallway. With me.
Mike & Oppenheimer: Oh yeah?
Cyrus: Yeah. He’s just sort of… glaring at me.
Oppenheimer: Cyrus, try not to make eye contact.
Mike: Yeah, you don’t wanna be rude. [Cyrus’ muffled voice speaks in the background] We need to get out of here and, I don’t know, escape to the rift.
Oppenheimer: Every cell in my body seems to burn with the knowledge that we cannot escape this entity’s whim.
[Cyrus continues to have a muffled conversation with the creature]
Cyrus: Hey guys?
Mike & Oppenheimer: Yeah?
Cyrus: He’s done talking.
Oppenheimer: A.S.H. Le! Activate all bunker screens and play the tapes!
A.S.H. Le: [sighs] Rewinding.
Mike: No way.
Oppenheimer: To hell with hat A.S.H. Le, play it now!
A.S.H. Le: Tape rewound. Playing.
[Rift sound effect]
[Instrumental music plays]
Narrator: Tepid Fall to Derbiton Gallow.
[music fades out. Sounds of raindrops and a crackling fire play under the conversation]
Unnamed British Guy: Everything in order then?
Clancy Havenpush: It would appear so.
Unnamed British Guy: I trust Mrs. Sharpshire was helpful in getting your arrangements completed this morning?
Clancy Havenpush: That she was.
Unnamed British Guy: Splendid.
Clancy Havenpush: Her uncanny heart and candid nature are somewhat unexpected in these ghastly times, though no less appreciated.
Unnamed British Guy: [sighs] I long for the halcyon days…
Clancy Havenpush: As do I.
Unnamed British Guy: I’ll be sure to deliver your kind words.
Clancy Havenpush: See to it that you do.
Unnamed British Guy: Of course, my word is as good as my bond.
Clancy Havenpush: Lovely.
[pause]
Unnamed British Guy: And so… it has come to pass.
Clancy Havenpush: Victoria?
Unnamed British Guy: I’m afraid so.
Clancy Havenpush: Damn.
Unnamed British Guy: Indeed.
Clancy Havenpush: And… Emma as well, I presume.
Unnamed British Guy: Alas. [pause] I hear tell of delays on the roads to Derbiton, you’d do well to seek an alternate route.
Clancy Havenpush: One might suggest you do the same, perhaps… less Derbiton and more so the geography of the human soul.
Unnamed British Guy: A penny for your thoughts.
Clancy Havenpush: You can keep your beleaguered charity.
Unnamed British Guy: Monstrous cad!
[pause]
Clancy Havenpush: Well then, I suppose I’ll be off.
Unnamed British Guy: Will you?
Clancy Havenpush: Won’t I?
Unnamed British Guy: Would it surprise you were I to say you were?
Clancy Havenpush: My word is as good as—
Unnamed British Guy: I hear tell of candlelit whispers in the night to the contrary.
Clancy Havenpush: Feind!
Unnamed British Guy: Listen hear, old boy, I dare say—
Clancy Havenpush: You daren’t!
Unnamed British Guy: Now look here, look here now! Do I detect a hint of resentment in your tone?
Clancy Havenpush: Your senses do not fail you.
Unnamed British Guy: You are Percy Clavenook of Torpenville Hallow, are you not?
Clancy Havenpush: Heavens no, the name is Clancy Havenpush of Hyperpudding Vale.
Unnamed British Guy: Sir, you must forgive me for this, my most grievous of errors. How thoughtless of me. Never have I known the depths of such shame. Were I in the possession of a sword I would surely fall upon it with quickness.
Clancy Havenpush: Uh, think nothing of it, noble innskeep.
Unnamed British Guy: Oh, I-I don’t work here.
[Instrumental music plays again]
Narrator: On the next Tepid Fall to Derbiton Gallows
[Poor piano playing while a woman sings the word “la” a lot]
Posh Woman: You frightful cow.
[The singing woman cries]
[Rift sound effect]
[Ambient crowd noise in the background]
Gary's Friend: Hey Gary, you see that game last night?
Gary: Uh, which one?
Gary's Friend: Seriously, the big one, World Series.
Gary: Oh, that. What I don’t understand is, how can they call it The World Series if only one county is in it.
Gary's Friend: Hmmmm, never really thought of that, hell of a game though.
Gary: How come? Did they use something besides bats this time?
Gary's Friend: No, but— Hey, that reminds me of a joke! This guy goes to the doctor, he says—
Gary: The doctor! Is he okay?
Gary’s Friend: Well, he’s… Lemme just—
Gary: Recent trauma or some ongoing issue?
Gary’s Friend: It’s ongoing, I guess. So he says, doctor I think my wife’s cheating on me!
Gary: He’s telling this to a general practitioner? Bad move. He should really be seeing a licensed therapist.
Gary’s Friend: Sure, but he’s just—
Gary: Preferably one with a focus on couple’s counselling and/or marriage therapy.
Gary’s Friend: Anyways, the doctor says, what makes you say that? So the guy—
Gary: Woah, woah. “What makes you say that?” What kind of professional response is that? This doctor is suspect.
Gary’s Friend: Suspect? Of what, he just walked in.
Gary: No bedside manner, no “hello sir or madam”, right to the deflective question of the obviously sensitive subject. That’s grounds for a complaint to the board.
Gary’s Friend: Yeah, but—
Gary: Or at least, throw something up on Yelp.
Gary’s Friend: Okay, let’s switch gears. How about… Okay, knock knock.
Gary: Uh… Who’s there?
Gary’s Friend: Your parole officer. [sound of Gary’s running footsteps] Gary, Wait!
[Soft instrumental music plays]
Hume Vanguard: Do you often find yourself the only one at a table not laughing at a joke or humorous anecdote? Do you often find yourself using the phrases “I don’t get it” or “it’s just not my thing”? Are you compelled to type these statements in online comments sections? Have you ever lost a friendship by uttering the phrase “look I get it, I just don’t think it’s funny”? Hello, I’m Hume Vanguard and I’d like to talk to you about the Literal Institute. Everyday, millions of Americans slog through their day with an acute non-awareness of sarcasm, satire, and dry wit. Some severe cases live their lives with no concept of irony whatsoever. The Literal Institute can help. We’ll start you off with an intense introduction to the foundations of humour, trained by a team of professional instructors, all currently active college comics.
[music stops]
College Comic 1: So my boss chews me out for being fifteen minutes late last week. I could tell he was having a bad day, so I didn’t tell him I was sleeping with his wife. [pause] Just kiddin’.
[crowd laughs]
College Comic 2: Oh man, I hate waiting in lines, anyone know what I’m talking about? Lines are the worst. Sometimes I just wanna get to the back of the line and scream, “he’s got a gun!” at the top of my lungs and watch the cattle disperse. [pause] I would of course, never actually do such a thing, I’m just entertaining the fantasy of it to illustrate the level of disconnectedness and frustration I’ve endured. [crowd laughs] Also I don’t think people are the same as cows.
[music returns]
Hume Vanguard: It doesn’t matter if you don’t know your coward from your Howard, after our program you’ll be out there trading barbs with the best of them.
[music stops]
Gary’s Friend: So the doctor says, “I’m sorry Mr. Falcon, you have cancer AND Alzheimers”. After a long pause Mr. Falcon replies, “well, at least I don’t have cancer”.
Gary: Jesus, what a terrible affliction…
Gary’s Friend: What’s that?
Gary: I mean, ah ha ha! Hilarious! That was a hilarious joke!
Gary’s Friend: Told ya.
Gary: Knock knock.
Gary’s Friend: Who’s there?
Gary: Comic lucidity. Thanks, Literal Institute.
Hume Vanguard: Call today. Literally.
[Rift sound effect]
[Faint alarm in background]
Mike: Good call on those tapes.
Oppenheimer: Yes, it certainly afforded us the opportunity to abscond from the server room undetected.
Mike: I feel much safer in this… doored storage alcove.
Oppenheimer: Yes, but I feel like the word safe can be no longer used to describe our collective futures, or lack thereof. We may have run out of options, Michael. I’ve been running calculations and possible scenarios for the past hour and I feel like I’m just staring at a blank chalkboard, dark and foreboding to the psyche. Maybe with just the teacher’s name, toward the right… Mr. Oppenheimer. A small suggested summer reading list below.
Mike: Just try to relax, professor, we’ve bought some time. You may get an eraser or two chucked at your head yet. It’s funny you mentioned school though. If I were the person I was as a kid I would probably be praying my ass off right now.
Oppenheimer: Michael, as you know, I am a man of science, however, I am unwilling to leave any stone unturned in our quest for survival. Tell me more of this… praying.
Mike: You’ve never heard of it?
Oppenheimer: No, but colour me curious as a cat. Lay it on me my formerly God fearing friend.
Mike: Okay… well. First I suppose you’d have to kinda pick a god to pray to?
Oppenheimer: Interesting. There’s more than one then?
Mike: Well, uh, it depends on… Well, there’s different pantheons…
Oppenheimer: Which is the most… powerful I suppose would be the next obvious query.
Mike: Well, uh, they’re all supposed to be, you know, sort of all powerful in a way.
Oppenheimer: Come now. There must there some sort of data collected on these gods that would allow us to logically rate them on a power scale. A.S.H. Le, search your databases for all references to the various pantheons of history.
A.S.H. Le: Should I filter out those that exist only in fiction?
Mike: That’s a loaded question.
Oppenheimer: No, gather all the data please.
A.S.H. Le: Computing. Completed.
Oppenheimer: Now, parse and arrange the data, ranking them based on direct involvement with he mortal worlds and conflict resolution.
A.S.H. Le: Completed.
Mike: That was fast.
A.S.H. Le: Thank you, Mike.
Oppenheimer: Which pantheons are at the top?
A.S.H. Le: There is one clear frontrunner.
Oppenheimer: Really? Which one?
A.S.H. Le: The Norse mythology.
Mike: That makes sense.
Oppenheimer: Okay, what’s next? What would the pure, naïve, child-like Michael do?
Mike: Well, after pissing himself, he’d as humbly as possible invoke the favour of the gods through a heartfelt plea.
Oppenheimer: Curious. Not exactly my strong suit, but well— here goes nothing.
Mike: Not a good start.
[Oppenheimer starts to make muttering singing noises. It does not resemble prayer.]
Mike: And not sure what that’s all about.
Oppenheimer: Lord of the Norse sky, hear me, your most humble and notably gifted skeptic. I call upon thee to aid us, if able and existent, in this our most dire hour of need. I am a man of science, previously the idea of direct communication with you would be met with scoff and distain, but today, before you is a desperate man. A man defeated, a man who see a universe without him in it. And I weep, for not only that incredible man, but for that universe. Such potential for change and advancement squandered on the whimsical mechanics of chaos. An agent of that chaos threatens that potential and I ask, I pray, that you in your probable but not verified wisdom— and grace— send a capable agent of hope in this, our darkest hour. Sincerely, Dr. Francis “Oppenheimer” Valdini.
Mike: Well that was something.
[long pause]
Oppenheimer: Well, clearly a failed experiment. We’re doomed.
Mike: Professor, we-we’ve only just started, there’s gotta be something. W— There’s so many things we were gonna do, to see.
Oppenheimer: Yes. Yes, there were. My beloved Esmerelda only 2.5 trillion fragments away from reconstitution, the rift so close to being healed, but alas. Michael, I know it to be the foolish notion of a hopeless man to ask, but I would… I would ask that you… To please forgive…
[Thunder clap]
Thor: We meet again, bub.
Cthulhu: You. How did you find me?
Thor: Let’s just say that a bad penny by any other name is still a bad penny, old scratch. Or, shall I refer to thee as The Deceiver. Oh, heh, how about Beleisle, Panzuzu, Araman, Apollyon, Beelzebub, Shy-tan, Abadan!
Cthulhu: Ah! And your name hangs on my tongue like a bolus of foul sputum that can never be expelled. Thor, God of Thunder, Asabrag, Dorin, The Intercessor, The Archangel Triton, The Metal Avenger, Vethor, Superpresident, The Rock Warrior.
Thor: Your many names mask the same snake, Asmodius! Or perhaps better known in these realms as Bathamut, Leviathan, Cthulhu, The Indescribable One.
Mike: Ehn, pretty describable.
Oppenheimer: Shh.
Mike: Hey, how long do you think this part with go on?
Oppenheimer: Hard to say, clearly these two have a history.
Mike: I’m going to go see if I can hurry this along.
Oppenheimer: Do you think that wise, Michael?
Mike: Nope. [clears throat] Hey guys, sorry to interrupt.
Oppenheimer: Yes, forgive our intrusion.
Cthulhu: Who dares?
Mike: I just wanted to take this opportunity to say that, uh, and I think I can speak for both of us…
Oppenheimer: Of course.
Mike: I just wanted to say that we are… impressed beyond believe and the number of monikers you’ve both managed to amassed over the years.
Oppenheimer: Most impressive. Most impressive.
Mike: And well, just as a personal aside and only because you folk may not know this, but I’ve slogged through life so far with just one name. A fairly common one at that, and the professor here—
Oppenheimer: Well, truth be told, I have quite a few myself, but that list pales in comparison to the inordinate amount of influence you both must possess in order to receive such a cornucopia of titles.
Thor: Your reverence is well received, mortals! It warms the heart of Thor. A heart buried deep beneath the eldritch armour and layers upon layers of equally impenetrable muscle.
Mike: Well, we couldn’t just stay in the next room with all this going on an remain silent.
Oppenheimer: We were compelled to say something.
Thor: And what say you, Serpent of Old? Wordless in the face of such exalted praise, Foul Betrayer? ’Tis rude of you.
Cthulhu: Insolence!
Oppenheimer: Gentlemen, gentlemen, please. Although most appreciated, we are not fishing for reciprocal compliments here.
Mike: And we’re certainly not interested in complicating what is clearly an extend period of unresolved conflict between the two of you, it’s been a while hasn’t it?
Cthulhu: Eons.
Oppenheimer: Eons! That’s barely even a measurement of recognized time. Both Michael and I have had a rough road over these past few years, but eons! That cannot be easy.
Cthulhu: Yes.
Thor: Aye, perhaps before time itself. Battle after battle. So much lost in the fog of it.
Mike: Okay, well, we’ve said our piece. Uh, hopefully we’ve established ourselves as a safe place for you to, you know, unload some of that burden, even for a little while.
Oppenheimer: Perhaps even shed some light on some past transgressions to let the steam out a bit.
Thor: There you go, old scratch, you relish the destructive display of evaporation.
Cthulhu: This is true.
Mike: See? We understand you.
Oppenheimer: We understand.
Thor: What brought you here to this… this…
Oppenheimer: Interdimensional bunker.
Mike: It’s a lot like a spaceship building.
Thor: Yes, what brought you to this spaceship building?
Cthulhu: This mindless prattle has clouded you minds, fools! Is it not obvious?
Mike: Hey, we wouldn’t have asked if we didn’t want to hear what you have to say.
Thor: Aye, what is your purpose here, my oldest of adversaries?
Cthulhu: I am here to consume the souls of these mortals, these two Chatty Cathys. And I intended to do so regardless of the temporary sympathy plateau we’ve cultivated, but now I can see that you have duped me again, that these two are but shadows. No humans could be so vapid, so touchy-feely. Well played, God of Thunder.
Thor: Actually, Foul One, they’re real.
Cthulhu: Really?
Oppenheimer: Full disclosure, our intervention hear this evening is dual-purposed. The first has already been accomplished.
Mike: And thanks for sharing your honesty with us, i-it goes a long way. Even if it doesn’t seem so right at this moment.
Cthulhu: And what is the second purpose of your pitiful intentions?
Oppenheimer: Distraction. A.S.H. Le!
A.S.H. Le: Deploying liquid nitrogen jets.
[Whoosh sound. Cthulhu screams]
Thor: Nicely done, mortals, now it’s time for me to do what I do best. Let’s tune our weapons!
[Rock music starts, Cthulhu makes the occasional guttural noise]
Oppenheimer: Mother of invention, this is quite a sight! It appears that Thor has transformed into a shirtless titan. A radically different appearance, but no less imposing.
Mike: No doubt about that, professor. And look, the creature has transformed as well.
Oppenheimer: Yes, what a hideous sight. A curious design to choose in this particular instance.
Mike: Yeah, sort of a stick-thin nightmare with elongated proportions.
Oppenheimer: Almost insectoid in form and structure, pained movement, limited articulation.
Mike: Not sure if he even has legs, just kinda bobbing back and forth.
Cthulhu: Minions, attend me!
Oppenheimer: Curious choice indeed. And what’s this?
Mike: He’s summoned a bunch of small starfish looking things, they kind of look like hand puppets.
Oppenheimer: Now, Michael. why would a creature possessed with this kind of immense power conjure a series of benign children’s toys? For the sake of comic relief? Trust me, these are dangerous entities. Even though we can’t see their legs either.
Mike: Yeah, they seem ambulatory— Oh, look out! One of them has a switch blade.
Oppenheimer: My God, and that one is smoking!
Mike: Oh crap, these non-puppet things just flew through the air and stuck to Thor’s chest.
Oppenheimer: He’s having quite a struggle with them, it almost looks as though he’s intentionally holding them against himself.
Mike: That’s just crazy talk, professor. Should we help?
Thor: Stay back, mortals. I will prevail! These minions of the underworld are as deadly as they appear.
A.S.H. Le: So… not that deadly?
Oppenheimer: Look, he’s destroyed the minions! Now he’s locked in combat with the creature itself!
Mike: Like a strange, in-air, double arm wrestling competition.
Oppenheimer: Awesome indeed, Michael. Perhaps, awesome incarnate.
[Music crescendos, then stops. Faint dying wail from Cthulhu]
Thor: It it done. The fiend is gone… for now.
Oppenheimer: Sir, I-I don’t know how to thank— You saved my bunker… You— You saved us…
Thor: Ah, don’t mention it pal. Just a typical Thursday night for me.
Oppenheimer: Oh, uh, typical you say?
Thor: Yeah, get it? Thursday, Thor’s day, the name’s Thor!
Oppenheimer: Oh I see, heh, a bit of comedic wordplay, yes. I’m afraid I’m a bit myopic when it comes to any form of humour that doesn’t involve sarcasm.
Mike: Just checked on Cyrus, he’s fine. Woah, wait a minute! I know who this is.
Oppenheimer: Of course, Michael, just because he changed back into his earthly garb does mean—
Mike: This is Jon Mikl Thor.
Thor: In the flesh, bub.
Oppenheimer: Ah, yes, of course. I must have been a little woozy from all the sulphur. The legendary Jon Mikl Thor is here!
[pause]
Mike, Oppenheimer, & A.S.H. Le: Welcome!
Thor: Happy to be here. And to pull your butts out of the fire. Literally.
Oppenheimer: Please, have a seat on the couch. I think we’re out of chairs.
[Rift sound effect]
Oppenheimer: Thank you so much for being here, Thor. What is your preferred method of destroying your enemies.
Thor: I use mind-control. Everyone thinks that I just use my muscularity and strength, but actually I have a superior brain.
Oppenheimer: So you’re able to get inside their heads?
Thor: Yes, I have a special vision where I can inspect the brain and see what they are thinking, and I can be one step ahead.
Oppenheimer: Ah, mental manipulation and mind control, wonderful!
Thor: Yes, manipulate them and then give ‘em a judo chop in the neck, and then I grab their arm, twist it to their behind— not in their behind, but to the behind of the back— and they’re on their knees. That’s how I deal with them.
Oppenheimer: Jon, what was the first moment that you identified with the thunder god? What was the first moment onstage as Thor like
Thor: The very first moment onstage was a… very thunderous moment. I could hear the thunder and I could see the lightening. And I was being electrocuted at the time, as I stepped on a live wire and on a live flash pod. So, uh, that was my first, uh… uh, feeling of the god of thunder. [Oppenheimer chuckles] However, to get— seriously, I had just a, uh, incredible moment of… I was trying to develop the character of Thor and it was one of my favourite mythological gods— and, uh, also I’m a big fan of Superman— and I wanted to put both together and come up onstage and play heavy rock music. ‘Cause I used to train to Led Zeppelin and Black Sabbath, and all the heavy metal bands. Did you know that “Helter Skelter” was the very first metal song? By the Beatles. I used to train to that as well. And, uh, and then I got pumped up and I wanted to do it all onstage. Meld muscle and music together.
Oppenheimer: What was your favourite TV show as a child?
Thor: Besides The Adventures of Superman, it was the Lone Ranger!
Oppenheimer: Ah, yes.
Thor: Yeah, with Clayton Moore. Remember Clayton Moore?
Oppenheimer: I can see that in John Triton— a-a man who comes into town to clean things up.
Thor: That’s right, that’s right. You know all my influences and secrets.
Oppenheimer: And now we can watch Rock and Roll Nightmare with new eyes.
Thor: [chuckles] Yes.
Oppenheimer: Speaking of Rock and Roll Nightmare, why-why do you think that Rock and Roll Nightmare has become such a huge cult phenomenon with so many fans?
Thor: I absolutely have no idea. Seriously, I [laughs] I, uh, i-it leaves me scratching my head at times. Um, I-I just think that it’s one of those things where y’know, John Fasano and I were two young guys… You know, we just, uh— well he was younger than I was [laughs], I was rockin’ and rollin’ for a while at that time, an-and touring all over the world. And we had done Zombie Nightmare together and I did the soundtrack as well. And, you know, that was with Tia Carrere and Adam West— the original Batman. Uh, and the-then we wanted to do this movie together, an-and do some other ones as well, an-and our idea was “hey, can we just make a movie that could get distributed”. Y’know, we didn’t want just a movie that our— that we’d have in the basement where, you know, your mom and dad would watch and have the friends over, that sort of thing. We wanted a movie that could get distributed. And so that’s all our plan was. We had no idea that it would continue on, over the years and have this cult following and new generations of fans, for that matter. That was unfathomable. That… that… Well, that’d be amazing. So here we are, in 2013, I have just, you know, appeared on a tour, and I can’t believe the fans of… of, uh you know, this— this movie and, uh, if I look at it, I just think it’s… it’s that story, right? Of, y’know, why is The Man of Steel— well, of course, bigger budget and everything— why is the Man of Steel so popular, or why are superheroes popular? You know, Triton was a superhero, really, he was like Hercules, uh, you know, he was, y’know, sent from above to do a job on Earth, y’know? Let’s clean up, y’know? Do a job and— And I think there were some… some cool twists, and I think also, the music speaks for itself. I believe the music that was written—[coughs] Excuse me, but I have to take a little, uh… [Oppenheimer laughs] kudos here. [laughs] But the… [laughs] I thought the music was… It’s good music, right? It’s good rockin’ music, you know, for that time…
Oppenheimer: Totally.
Thor: And people still like it today. They— they keep going on about energy… and “we live to rock” and all these, uh… “We Accept the Challenge”… They stand up today.
Oppenheimer: And if I could add, one of the things that we find most compelling about your work— Rock and Roll Nightmare and all of your projects, really— is the amount of energy that you bring to it, uh, the… the fun you seem to be having and the passion with which you apply yourself. You are an entertainer, and it’s obvious that with you, entertainment comes first.
Thor: Well, that’s why I say to the crowd, uh, yeah, “you give me energy” because the energy I get from the crowd is… is… is beyond any kind of high I could get from anything else. it really is a high and and you can really feel it up there and… and i-it’s something that’s, uh, one of the most amazing feelings a human being could anger have. An-and it’s— That’s— Hey, why is Paul McCartney out there, you know, at 71 years old, entertaining the crowds? He loves it, I mean, there— He’s on bigger scale, of course, but you have to admire, uh, you know the-the guy… Hey, you know, most of the guys touring right now are over sixty. Y’know, they’re all touring out there, KISS loves it… I mean, y-you can’t escape it. Uh, y’know, “we live to rock”.
Oppenheimer: Yes! So what have the crowds been like?
Thor: Oh, uh, we… we had five thousand in, uh, in Florida. Um… In, um, in Europe we had, uh, a crowd of twenty thousand, um… S-so, y’know, i-it varies in the different regions we go to, y’know. But, uh, y’know, we, uh, we played— I have played in front of a hundred thousand and that was, uh, at a large festival in Europe. Back in… in the eighties, but, you know, most of the stuff, like, twenty thousand, you know, is recently.
Oppenheimer: It seems like there’s a lot more younger fans now who seem to be getting into that classic, uh… hard rock, power metal sort of sound. Uh, many more than perhaps even as recently as twenty years ago. Have you noticed that?
Thor: I absolutely— Yeah, I feel that, and, you know, with the social network., uh, and the internet, everything… it’s made the world smaller and everybody joins together an-and we have so many fans that contact us from Brazil, from Japan… Places, you know, that we’ve never been to a-at all, uh, before. But, you know, we ha— We’ve found out there’s so many legions of fans, um, you know, like in Germany and of course, you know, we’ve played in Sweden and Finland and all those places— and England. But there’s such a big world out there, a big universe. We are warriors of the universe and, uh, were ready t-to get out there at some point animate all these people. Uh, next year we do have plans to do some shows in New York, Boston, Washington, and, uh, uh, you know, we have a new album that will be coming out. Uh, there’s some, uh… uh… Well, special secrets, I guess, uh, that have not been revealed yet, but they will be unfurled to the world, uh… very, very soon. About I will say, maybe possibly a box set that’ll be coming out on, uh, on a major label, uh next year, that’s one. And, uh, also we got, uh, out of Europe, a single that’s coming out and another album. So we got plenty of products, are you confused already? But uh, you know, heh, I’m confused at times.
Oppenheimer: It’s a good kind of confusion. Where can the denizens of the various timelines go to find out more about your current projects and…
Thor: Yeah, yeah, thorcentral.com, metalavengers, uh, dot com, which is out of Europe. So, uh, you got the North American, uh, headquarters, and the European headquarters. And of course, uh, Facebook, Jon Mikl Thor on Facebook, y’know you can get, uh, updates, uh on there.
Oppenheimer: I have two more questions for you, Jon. Uh, you’ve been a champion bodybuilder, a rockstar, a filmmaker, actor, writer, and an entrepreneur with your throwback classic NHL jerseys. You’ve even been in comic books, uh, including that new Retro Tales comic. Is there anything that you’ve not yet attempted or accomplished, but would like to?
Thor: Oh, uh, I’d like to have a great golf game or an under three hundred bowling… y’know… [Oppenheimer laughs] There’s a few things there.
Oppenheimer: We need to bowl next time you come to the bunker, right Michael?
Thor: Yeah, absolutely.
Oppenheimer: Excellant.
Thor: I, uh… I’d like to… Like I said, I like to get a pretty good— I like to get the perfect game.
Oppenheimer: Yes, of course as do we.
Thor: That would be great.
Oppenheimer: One more question for you, Jon. What would you consider to be the most important lesson that you’ve learned in your time here amongst us mortals.
Thor: I would say, to… to be humble, you know? To appreciate what you have, appreciate life, appreciate the scenery. Do not be an egomaniac. I’ve dealt with many egomaniacs out there, and at times I may portray one here and there, but really, I’m a pretty humble guy because I’ve learned to be humble. You know, it’s like, uh, you gotta, you know, enjoy life to its max and, uh, appreciate nature, etc., etc. There’s, uh, you know, you can work yourself to death pretty much and just be focused on one thing, uh, for example music. You know, some guys are just “hey, I just wanna write the next one, the next big record” or, “I just wanna”— But, you know what? There’s other things out there that are wonderful, like bowling.
Oppenheimer: [laughs] Right, of course.
Thor: So enjoy!
Oppenheimer: Jon Mikl Thor, you are the best, thank you so much for talking with us.
Thor: Hey man, I appreciate it. Thank you so much for having me on the show, I really appreciate that. Look forward to seeing you guys again soon.
[Rift sound effect]
Thor: Well guys, it’s time I got out of here. Lots of other worlds to save. And I must have a ton of dishes to wash by now.
Mike: We can’t thank you enough, man, thanks for everything.
Oppenheimer: Yes, you truly saved the day, I imagine, on of many days saved.
Thor: Don’t mention it.
A.S.H. Le: Now, professor?
Oppenheimer: Absolutely not.
Mike: What’s up?
Oppenheimer: Oh, nothing, she just wanted to play some ending credits music for a silly video game.
A.S.H. Le: He just doesn’t get it.
Thor: Which game? Portal?
A.S.H. Le: Why… yes, actually.
Thor: Great idea, that would have really fit well.
A.S.H Le: Swoon.
Thor: Okay, so, uh… I guess I’m leaving now. [coughs] Hey, guy, don’t you have something for me?
Mike: Wha… Who, me?
Thor: Yeah, man. Keys?
Mike: Wha— Oh! Oh…
Oppenheimer: The van you found on the People Candy World, that’s—
Thor: My van, man. [sound of keys being handed over] Rock and roll! [van beeps] Gentlemen.
Song: Energy takes me where I want to be And you’re where I wanna be Girl you give me
[Van tyres screech]
Mike: Don’t call it people candy.
Oppenheimer: People candy, Michael. You were almost eating people candy.
[“Energy” by Jon Mikl Tho starts playing]
Credits: Hadron Gospel Hour is produced by Richard Wentworth and Michael McQuilkin, production assistance from Katy Falvey and Rebekah White. Special thanks to Jon Mikl Thor, Tim Conway, Bob Wilson, Scott Woolard and Barrelhouse Sound, Kris Paukstys, Tim Gleason, and Don and Eric Schulze. Download, rate, and review episodes of Hadron Gospel Hour at iTunes and Stitcher. And Listen to episodes any time at hadrongospelhour.com.
[“Energy” plays the episode out]