In contemporary Western society, hook up culture is the norm. Romantic relationships typically involve a sexual union at some point. Being a Patriarchal society, boys are taught to have an unlimited sex drive, and throughout their maturation into adults, pornography and the Sex Industry teaches men that women’s bodies serve as means to satiate their sexual drives. Understandably, the Church realizes that at its core, hook up culture isn’t right, that sexual intercourse shouldn’t be a given/requirement in a relationship, and that pornography and other Sex Industry venues are harmful and wrong. However, the typical solution given is that all sexual desires can be and are to be met in marriage. While marriage as a blessed institution is certainly a beautiful and meaningful way to healthily explore sexuality, this idea that marriage is the answer has a lot of harmful implications.
The first thing that this does it that it doesn’t work to dispel worldly notions about masculinity and sex. It simply uses marriage as a Band-Aid for these problems. Contrary to popular belief, men are not any more lust-driven than women are. Both genders struggle with lust – the difference is that patriarchal society gives men many options to channel their lustful fantasies onto women. Painting lust as “every man’s battle” and expecting wives to satiate this unending desire absolves believing men the responsibility of relying on the Holy Spirit to endow them with self-control. Instead of painting sexual addiction and lust as something men are predisposed to, instead realize that this is a lie straight from the enemy used to trap believers into an endless cycle of sin, addiction, and even abuse.
The body isn’t inherently sexual. It’s important to frame modesty not out of fear that the naked body will lead to temptation, but from position that the body is something precious that should be protected. Nakedness, while a beautiful and wonderful thing, is one of the most vulnerable things a person can experience. Thus, it is a very precious and dear thing that must be protected and shielded, nakedness is a grace that needs defense. In certain contexts, it’s permissible to expose oneself, but the beauty and innocence of it should be guarded and protected. Otherwise, desensitize. Nakedness isn’t shameful, it’s something to be (privately) celebrated. Likewise, the body isn’t shameful, it’s a beautiful thing worth celebrating. Teach one another to love their bodies and others, because in God’s beautiful design, these precious bodies are the very temples in which He uses as spaces to inhabit. In these holy houses, the image of the Living God abides in every contour, curve, fold, and countenance. Treat these heavenly dwelling places with respect and tender care.
Setting up interactions with the other gender as potentially sexual is rooted in a valid concern for the opportunity of lust to creep into our hearts, but we must realize that this narrative is also a lie from the enemy. We can be accountable with each other. One can form deep and meaningful relationships and interactions with their brothers and sisters. These beautiful bonds of relationship and unity do not have to end up romantic or sexual. Treat one another as you would your own sibling. Viewing each other as a sibling, as a living and breathing temple of the Most High God will prevail over the worldly script of lust-tinted interactions. Submit your desires and your thoughts to the Holy Spirit, lay them down at the feet of Jesus, and He will carry your hearts into purity and wholeness.
Secondly, to repeat, marriage is a beautiful and amazing blessing that God has allowed us to participate in, but it isn’t the end goal for everyone. Marriage is an option, a blessing, but not a requirement. Marriage is a representation of God’s restorative work of joining opposites, unifying binaries into ushering His presence. A married couple represents the unity of God and imparting life into a community, not merely a proper way to achieve sexual intercourse. We also have the option of singleness. The Church has lost the value of singleness within our faith. Some of the greatest spiritual dignitaries of Biblical tradition were single, namely Jesus Himself. He lived and walked this earth celibate and happily single, inaugurating God’s kingdom here on earth. His life, however, wasn’t marked by His individuality, rather, His communal nature with His disciples and investment in the communities around Him. Singleness in Christ involves greater time for introspection and reflection on the mysteries and will of God, while Scriptural models also demand that singles engage in the restorative work of community building and discipleship. Where married couples invest in each other and their children, single people invest in their communities and friendships. Single people can mobilize together creating strong familial bonds rooted in their adoption in Christ, uniting against injustice, hierarchy, and sin in transformative and subversive ways. This can be done for singles planning on marriage, or those who plan on being single for life. Singleness doesn’t have to be an anxious state waiting for romance or sexual contact, it’s a valid mode of serious productivity within God’s kingdom and we must look beyond the boundaries of lust, hypersexuality, and marriage domination to realize the amazing potential and value that singleness offers. In order to truly combat the systems of this world, we need to be more critical of the messages that the world gives us about relationships and sexuality, and in turn be more proactive in how we combat these things, rather than letting the lies of the enemy seep into our hearts and practices.
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