I can't help this awful energy

@halfxbloodxprince

ALL THE LIGHTS COULDNT PUT OUT THE DARK RUNNING THROUGH MY HEART. LIGHTS UP AND THEY KNOW WHO YOU ARE. DO YOU KNOW WHO YOU ARE?

188 posts

lvpin-remvs:

Remus was surprised at how quickly Severus seemed to come to his senses, it took him a moment to let his words fully sink in. “Neither one of those things are an option, Severus.” Remus shook his head, “I’m not going to let you go to Azkaban, and you’re fucking crazy if you think I’d let you die.” Remus folded his arms over his chest again, but he took a small step towards him. “You know if you wanted to join us, we’d protect you.” He maintained eye contact despite the urge to look away. But he needed Severus to know that he was being serious, “We’d figure out a way to keep you safe. I hate that I don’t know what’s gonna happen to you every time you leave the house. I’m scared, Sev. I want to protect you, and I think the only way I can is if you let everyone else help me.”

“Maybe I should, Remus,” he says, arms still folded over his chest, a quick-deep sigh leaving his lips, “I sure do deserve it. After the things I’ve done- the choices I’ve made.” He’s earnest here, not trying to gain sympathy, though it may come off that way. His eyebrows raise at Remus’ suggestion to join the Order, fighting the urge to scoff. The Order wouldn’t want him, that didn’t even seem like an option when he was picking which side to fight for. “They don’t want me,” he says quickly, “They never would have back when it was time to choose a side, and they wouldn’t now. I don’t fit the description.”

lvpin-remvs‌:

All Remus could do was stare as Severus stormed out of the room. Things were getting much worse than he intended them to, all he wanted was to be honest and it blew up. He didn’t want to fight. Remus placed his elbows down on the table, resting his head in his hands. Fighting was exhausting and it was giving him a headache. Looking back up as he heard Severus come back down stairs and looked at the jar of floo powder with confusion. Remus stood, trying his best to remain calm, “That’s the problem, Severus.” He shook his head, “You’re not evil, and I know that you’re not. That’s why it bothers me so much, because I know you’re not like them. I hate that I have to worry about you all the time, I hate that you ever felt the need to join them. I can’t believe you’re being so irrational about this.”

Severus looked down as Remus stood up, suddenly embarrassed by the way he was lashing out. It seemed like him and Remus would never be able to see eye to eye on the topic of his Death Eater status, and if the war got any worse... well, he feared for where that would leave them. He was ashamed by which side he’d chosen, but it wasn’t as if there was anything to be done about it now. “Then tell me what I can do to make this better,” he said finally, eyes flicking up to meet Remus’, “Because right now the only two options besides what we’re already doing are die or go to Azkaban, and that doesn’t seem like a good choice for either of us.”

lvpin-remvs‌:

Severus’ words hurt, they hit him in sore spot. He hated lying to his friends, Severus knew that. Remus had to look away again, not wanting his face to show just how much it hurt him. “I’m lying to them for you, Sev.” He responded, “Because I don’t know how they’re gonna react. I don’t want them to come after you.” Remus could feel himself getting angrier, but he didn’t want this fight to last any longer than it had to. “If it’s really that much of a big deal to you, then I will tell them. When I go home pissed off and I have to answer as to why, I’ll tell them that my boyfriend is a death eater and we got in to a fight. I’m sure that’ll work out really well for all of us.” His eyes rolled slightly as he shook his head, “I didn’t pick a fight with you. I warned you that I was in a shitty mood, and I was honest with you as to why. You’re the one that decided to get defensive about it.”

“Go ahead,” he said, his voice reaching a scary sort of calm. “Go home. Tell them what I am. Better yet, give them my address. I’ll be here waiting for them to take me to Azkaban. I don’t fucking care anymore.” He stormed out of the kitchen and up to the bedroom, pulling a long sleeve shirt over his head before coming back down the stairs. He grabbed his jar of floo powder off of the mantle, placing it down on the table in front of Remus as he walked back intot the kitchen, “You think I’m so evil? That I hurt people for fun? Go ahead.”

lvpin-remvs‌:

“At least I don’t make you see them every day.” Remus’ tone was full of defense, “I go out of my way to make sure you don’t ever have to be around them. Because I know how shitty it was for you, and I don’t want to make you feel that way ever again.” He folded his arms across his chest, raising his eyes back up to Severus. Remus hated this, he hated fighting, he didn’t want to be mad. If this were any other day he would have brought it up in a much calmer way. “The least you could do for me is cover the stupid thing up so I don’t have to constantly be reminded that my boyfriend has done horrible things for fun.”

“Yes, but you go home and you hang around them as if it never happened. And you lie to them about who you’re with whenever you’re here. Because you’re still too goddamn scared to stand up to them after all this time,” he could feel his face getting red, everything starting to bubble up inside of him. He knew he wasn’t being fair, that Remus was lashing out because of the moon, but it didn’t make the fight sting any less. “I don’t know exactly what part of this you think is fun for me. I’ve explained myself to you, and I will not do it every single time you feel like picking a fight.”

lvpin-remvs‌:

Remus felt his eyes narrow at Severus as he finally looked up at him. He didn’t want to fight, he shouldn’t have said anything. But it was too late now, and maybe it would be better if everything was dealt with now, instead of it coming out as a bigger fight later. “That’s not –” Remus cut himself off, sighed and shook his head. “I just hate that I have to see it. It’s bad enough that you’re one of them but having a constant fucking reminder right there on your arm? It’s a pretty shitty thing to have to see every day.” His eyes fell back to the cup of coffee in front of him, he hated seeing Severus look so hurt. “If the roles were reversed, I’m sure you’d feel the same way.”

“Do you know how it makes me feel when you say that?” he said, his voice an even tone. He understood where Remus was coming from, but it didn’t make it hurt any less. “It makes me feel like you feel shitty when you see me. Its not as if I can take it back, you understand that, right? No matter what I do, no matter where I go, they will find me. And I can’t just erase the reminder off my arm.” He took a deep breath, eyes falling back to Remus, “Your three best mates tortured me for seven years, and I haven’t said a word about it. How would you feel if I kept bringing that up?”

lvpin-remvs‌:

Remus stayed silent at Severus’ question, keeping his eyes on his cup of coffee on the table in front of him. As much as he wanted to spend as much time as he could with Severus before he wouldn’t be able to see him for a few days, he knew it was probably a bad idea considering the type of mood he woke up with. Chewing on the inside of his cheek for a moment, Remus shrugged his shoulders. “I don’t know if that’s a good idea.” He finally responded, “I had a nightmare and woke up all pissed off. Then I saw your Dark Mark and that just made things worse. I don’t want to fight with you today, so I think I should go home.” He figured that just being honest would be best, or maybe it would spark a fight in the end.

The word ‘why’ died on his lips as Remus spoke again, the expression on his face changing to one of hurt as he set his coffee cup down on the counter. “shall i start wearing long sleeves all the time?” he said, raising an eyebrow, “in my own house?” he really didn’t want to fight with Remus, but the part of him that lived on it was always lurking just under the surface. he scoffed lightly, “you’re right. maybe you should go home.”

lvpin-remvs‌:

A small smile crossed Remus’ lips as he felt Severus’ arms wrap around him, a hand instinctively moving up to touch his arm. His smile quickly faltered as his eyes caught sight of the tattoo again, more anger building up inside of him. “Morning.” Remus replied simply, slightly more snappy than intended. Hopefully Severus would understand, that he didn’t want to be so irritable and angry, but that it was the moon’s affects on him. Exhaling sharply through his nose, Remus stood and followed Severus in to the kitchen where he sat down at the table, bringing his feet up on the chair to hug his knees. “I think I’m gonna go home after we have our coffee.” He figured it would be best to just leave so he wouldn’t feel inclined to start an argument with Severus over something that didn’t matter that much. “I’ll be back whenever I’m healed enough. A few days, the usual.”

Severus leaned back against the counter, sipping his coffee thoughtfully as Remus spoke. He was hoping that they’d spend the day together, since they wouldn’t be able to see each other for a few days after the full moon. He wished Remus would let him take care of him after, but he knew that it was a touchy subject for his boyfriend, he figured he’d wait a few months before trying to bring it up. “At least let me make you breakfast?” he asked, trying to drag out their time together just a bit.

lvpin-remvs‌:

Remus woke up in the middle of the night from one of the most vivid nightmares he’s had in awhile. It was a memory, the memory of the night Severus had found him in the Shrieking Shack, only in his dream, Severus didn’t make it away alive. His nightmares always became more vivid the closer the full moon got, and Remus knew that it was going to be one of those days. One of those days where everything pissed him off for no reason, one of those days where he was sensitive to noises and bright lights. The moon was the following evening so his body was preparing for his transformation. He considered getting up and leaving, just so Severus wouldn’t have to deal with him, but he didn’t want to go while Severus was asleep.

Remus rolled out of bed and bent over to kiss Severus on the forehead. Even though he knew he was going to have a bad day, at least having Severus would make it a little better. Or, he thought it would make things better, until his eyes drifted down and caught sight of the Dark Mark on his arm, which then sent anger through him. Remus tried his best to just forget about it, but with the mood he was in, he knew it was going to be brought up later, whether he wanted to talk about it or not. He left the room and went down to the kitchen, making himself coffee as quietly as possible before going into the living room where he sunk into the couch. He tried his best to calm down, not wanting to argue with Severus the moment he woke up, but it wasn’t long before Remus heard him moving around upstairs. He hoped he could control himself, but he had no idea what would come out of his mouth when Severus came downstairs.

@halfxbloodxprince

Severus had been sleeping through the night more and more since Remus started staying over, this night being no exception. Remus’ presence made him feel safe enough to actually relax, so when he left the bed Severus was always aware of it, even in his subconscious. His sleep didn’t last long once Remus was up, and the smell of coffee brewing was enough to pull him out of bed and down the stairs. Ever since Remus had seen his dark mark he hadn’t seen the point in covering it, so he didn’t bother changing out of his t shirt. He spotted Remus on the couch and wrapped his arms around his shoulders from above, dropping a kiss to the top of his head and mumbling a quick “good morning, love,” before heading into the kitchen to make himself a cup of coffee.

lvpin-remvs‌:

Remus smiled, sliding himself closer to Severus before settling in his arms, “Of course we can. Just be careful with my back, the scar down my spine re-opens every month.” Besides the scar across his face, the one down his spine was the most problematic, it got thicker and more painful every month. Remus rested his head on Severus’ shoulder and placed one of his hands on his chest, “Doesn’t cuddling just feel so much nicer when you’re high?” Remus asked with a laugh, tilting his head up to kiss Severus’ cheek.

Severus let his head rest against Remus’, dropping a kiss to the top of it before letting his eyes close and his arms wrap gently around him. “It always feels nice,” he said softly, leaning into Remus’ kiss, “Can’t believe I was missing out this for the first twenty years of my life.”

lvpin-remvs‌:

Remus smiled, taking the final puff from the joint before putting it out. “I agree. I’m glad we’re on the same page.” If Severus had said he wanted to try, Remus would have been willing, but he was glad they both agreed they wanted to wait. “It took me, what, a month to be comfortable enough to take my shirt off in front of you? It might take a little longer for me to be ready to take my pants off.” Remus laughed as he settled back in to the couch. “How’re you feeling, love?” He questioned, he definitely felt like he was high. Remus wondered if Severus felt it, too, and if he was feeling okay about it.

Severus hummed softly, his head resting against the back of the couch. “I feel- good,” he said after a moment, laughing softly to himself. More relaxed than usual, that was for sure. He let his eyes slide closed, his arms reaching out for Remus, “Can we cuddle if we do it carefully?”

lvpin-remvs‌:

Remus shook his head quickly, sitting himself up straighter as well. “Of course not,” He said quickly. He wasn’t sure if he was ready for this conversation, the topic of sex was always a little awkward, but he knew it would come up eventually and figured now that it was out there, they might as well talk about it. “I’m not going to lie, I’ve definitely thought about bringing it up before now, because I love you and I want to experience new things with you, but…” Remus shrugged slightly, “I don’t know if I’m ready. And I’m perfectly happy with the way things are now. Things have kind of moved quickly between us, we don’t have to rush in to everything.”

“I haven’t either,” he admitted, feeling his cheeks begin to heat up a bit, “And I don’t think that I’m ready either. At least not for everything.” The most he’d ever done with somebody was kiss, and even that still felt new to him. He was serious earlier when he said he’d try anything with Remus, but he wasn’t exactly ready to jump right into sex, no matter how in love they were. “But I definitely want to. Someday. Just not tonight.”

lvpin-remvs‌:

Remus couldn’t help the giggle that escaped him, it was so sweet how concerned Severus appeared to be, but Remus knew there was nothing to worry about, “No, no. It’s not a big deal. He threatens to beat me up all the time, over stupid things, and he rarely does it.” Remus shook his head, not even sure if he wanted to bring up the reason why, but they both made promises to each other not to keep any secrets. “This time, he said he would beat me up if I was still a virgin by the time he comes back home tomorrow.”

Severus’ eyes widened a bit, and he straightened out his back- suddenly feeling self-conscious. Had Remus expected for them to take that step tonight? Is that why he’d kicked Sirius out of the apartment and invited Severus over? It wasn’t that he didn’t want to be intimate with Remus in that way, but more that he wanted to put more thought into it. He was a planner, and this was no exception. “So you- you’ve never...?” he trailed off.

lvpin-remvs‌:

Remus laughed slightly, taking a puff from the joint, “Think you could figure it out by tomorrow? Sirius threatened to beat me up tomorrow, it would probably help me feel better after taking a beating.” Although he was sure Sirius probably wouldn’t actually beat him up, it was threatened that if he was still a virgin after spending the night with someone on Valentine’s Day that he would be getting beat up. Sirius threatened to beat Remus up over the silliest things and never followed through, he hoped Marlene would get him drunk enough he would forget he ever said anything.

Severus looked at him with confusion, sitting up a bit, “Wait- why is Sirius going to beat you up? And do I need to stay to protect you?” His head felt strange, and his muscles felt looser, but he was sure that he’d be able to function properly again by the time Sirius got back. He was confused by the statement, and why Remus found it humorous, “What’s going on?”

lvpin-remvs‌:

It was comforting to know that Severus trusted him enough to be willing to try new things with him. Although trust was still somewhat of a hot topic for Remus, it was still nice to know that he had Severus’ trust. “Of course you would wonder that,” Remus said with a smile, “I was curious, too, I wondered if I could brew it in to a potion that I could drink instead of smoke, sometimes my lungs just can’t handle it. But I’ve never excelled at potions the way you do, so I never bothered to try.” Remus could already feel himself starting to relax, his muscles started to loosen up and the pain he was in was slowly becoming more tolerable.

Severus examined the joint closer after taking another puff from it, “Well, its a plant, so I’m assuming that you could somehow extract its properties into some sort of liquid. I suppose you’d have to dilute it somehow- I don’t think it’d be a great idea to ingest all of it at once, but I don’t think it’d take me more than a few days to figure out.” His body was starting to feel different, and he sunk further into the couch as he passed the joint back to Remus, “

lvpin-remvs‌:

“Oh, I should have warned you that you were definitely going to cough.” Remus laughed before taking a much larger puff, sinking back in to the couch as he did so. “I’m honestly surprised you wanted to smoke this with me, I didn’t think it would interest you.” Remus cuddled up a little closer to Severus, taking another small puff before passing it back, “It’s much more popular with Muggle kids, even though the Muggle police have made it seem like it’s horribly dangerous.” He couldn’t help but to roll his eyes slightly at the thought, Remus knew first hand that it wasn’t dangerous at all, and in fact could possibly help a lot of people that suffer with as much pain as he did.

“I’d do anything with you,” he said, lightly wrapping an arm around Remus as he cuddled closer. It wasn’t something he would have normally tried, but Remus seemed to enjoy it, and he couldn’t remember the last time his entire body wasn’t tense- he assumed that if it could help with Remus’ pain, it could help with that as well. “The Muggles will always be behind when it comes to things like this,” he examined it for a moment, “I wonder what this would do in a potion.”

lvpin-remvs‌:

Remus held the joint between his fingers, smiling as Severus kissed his cheek. “If this makes me feel better, I’ll be all over you.” He said with a small laugh, placing the end of the joint in his mouth as he reached for a lighter on the coffee table. Remus lit the end and took a couple of puffs before passing it over to Severus. “You just have to… breathe in? I don’t really know how to explain it, just inhale the smoke instead of air, I guess.” Remus chuckled lightly, he hadn’t had to explain how to smoke to anybody before.

Severus laughed softly as he took it from Remus, “You do know that I’ve smoked before, right? Just not- this.” He took a puff from the joint, inhaling it slowly, but coughing anyway when he blew the smoke out. After he recovered he took another small hit, before passing it back to Remus, “Not so bad.”

lvpin-remvs‌:

“Of course I’ll show you,” Remus said with a smile, picking the joint up off the dresser, “But only if you really want to. I don’t want you to feel pressured to try it if you don’t want to.” He wrapped his arm around Severus again and slowly guided them back in to the living room. Remus sat down on the couch, getting himself comfortable, “I just want to warn you, I’m going to get really giggly, and even more affectionate than I already am. It affects everyone differently, though, so I’m not sure what it’ll do to you.”

Severus helped Remus over to the couch, settling down next to him and letting his arm drape over the couch behind Remus. All he wanted to was hold him close, but he was scared that he’d hurt him- and that was the last thing he wanted to do. Especially on their first Valentine’s Day together- the first of many. The thought brought a small smile to his lips. “I have no idea how I’ll be,” he said, leaning over to kiss Remus’ cheek gently, “But I’m perfectly okay with you being as affectionate as you want.”

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