The leaning on a thing was going to be them leaning on a piece of warmind hardware (i had considered the Queen's logo on Crow's, but i think Rasputin was gonna win out ngl) with the Traveler behind Crow and Cayde (Cayde's was gonna be damaged Traveler, Crow's was going to be healed Traveler) while Crow was going to be at sunrise while Cayde was at sunset. The mountain was going to be behind Felwinter and Helhest, with Fel's being the very classic sun on half the mountain while Helhest's had snowfall. The sun was to be implied as coming from either/both of the Hunters. Helhest is such a new character, i felt that snowfall was a good "hidden potential" statement.
Having them all in the same pose with different backgrounds, like timeline variations but with themes that shift together.
Damn i was upset this didnt want to come together in full. I know i could have done it anyway and it would have worked out fine, but Ive learned to listen to my brain when it wants something. It wants to do more with measurements, and a few other thoughts Ive had in the last week that i should probably hammer on. Ignoring your brain is the worst idea and Ive come too far with my therapy to throw it away now lol.
The second piece is just one of a few others started today, but i didnt want to post them all. This was the one I was in the middle of when I had started to make my brain do it anyway until i realized I should stop. I had segmented the helmet sketch to where i have the lineart as its seen here so its more accurate but in this case i was so excited i didn't bother merging the layers of the helmet segments, i merely hid them as i finished each segment (i do need to stop doing that; it gives me 5-20 extra layers & lags the app), then when i realized i should stop I felt so displeased about not finishing this I just flipped on the og sketch rather than unhide all the corrected segments to match the lineart.
I thought about the whole situation & felt better later, i just didnt expect this twist. I thought it would be a couple weeks of sketches then back to color dailies. I wanna go back to color pieces but who says i gotta if my brain wants to do something else? Nothing wrong with improving traditional art ☆
I will say; this second one i was REALLY happy about. Looking forward to seeing it finished one day 👀👏
Me, seeing that tumblr wasnt uploading the images: "oh, its ok, no tumblr today! [Tells everyone so]"
Tumblr: well now im gonna post em 🫶
Ok ig lmao??
But yeah new measurement technique was working great until i changed it up, then it started fighting me here 🤔 either thats a good thing (☆ challenge ☆) or I need to work up to that more gradually & Ive jumped the gun too far. Ha, gun, LOL. Not that hawkmoon is looking great here but better than Trinity Ghoul XD. Its true that no one likes to struggle, but seriously feeling like i should go back to the other method until I get more used to it, then move it up. But thats denying frame work progress, which I really do need (as, previously, Im almost always making people's torsos too long 🤔🤔🤔 if i drew in pencil & measured more it wouldnt matter so much, but-)
I keep thinking back to what I was told about typing classes: dont go back & fix typos, just keep going & hammering on further practice; it'll all smooth out eventually as the skill refines. Its what gave me the final push to start drawing in pen near-exclusively. "Keep going; dont erase, just progress. It'll all iron out in the level ups." Which has happened, more in some ways than others, but that proportion consistency eludes me terribly. I shouldn't have as much to edit in-canvas as I do at this point. Torsos shouldn't still be reaching for the top shelf 😂 even if it is only half the time.
Im also finally remembering that its all been so half-assed because Ive been half-assing it for years & have said so the entire time LMAO but you know how it goes, holding oneself to unhealthy standards etc etc. Yay mental health. "I haven't been putting in my best... but my not-best should look like my best otherwise Im doing it wrong-" lol no, brain, thats not what that means 😂
But yeah, thinking on going back to the original approach i was using here (which was: starting from one landmark point, usually an eye, & measuring everything in triangles from there, spanning outward; no outline or frame work first) but then also doing a second one where framework is laid first. That would clutter a page pretty badly, probably only gonna share the usuals. Just that I do need to work on the page planning factor in framework (so that i will STOP RUNNING NEW SKETCHES INTO OLD SKETCHES LMAO) but also do feel like I need to keep triangle-spanning since that encourages more pinpoint measurements. So. Por que no los dos 💫👏
Six. Hours. This took me over six hours. Being a banner image I chose to do what others have done in featuring some of my best works with those Hive pieces (the Savathûn- [ link ] and the Oryx/Xivu- [ link ]) & had hoped it would limit the work time to 3-4 hours. Oh young innocent me of one whole day ago XD.
Previously the banner was an image of Traveler squishing Ghaul like an empty soda can in a blaze of rainbow light; its been upgraded to the favorite Barbie dolls ♡
Here's the pic without the Hive, all of this done from scratch...
Soothing my timesoup frustrations, its true that I did a ton more than normal; I made the first layer of shadow work more defined than my usual sloppy swipes, & that chair took FOREVER.
There were going to be clouds but I felt they'd mar some of the meaning. Same with putting stuff in the landscape; I considered a mountain (👀) but decided against it. This is about my blog & we have no weather or obstacles in the way 💫 not anymore. We do what we want in our own lanes & my therapy exercize is over; i can do more 👏
Sadly the exercise ended as Mercury retrograde began so things will be down low for a few weeks LOL but I did it; i did the whole nearly one year exercize! 🎉
But back to art; Yes i hate how long this took but I do love the end result ♡ It turned out so nice. Then tumblr said "lol we're gonna chop off the whole right side" 😂😂😂 the D2 Bluesky alt woud take it but not tumblr LOL! Im fine with the crop since my blog is way more about Fel/Hel/Crow/Cayde, so its truth in advertising, but still XD
There was a group draw together on magma back in November & tbh i completely forgot about it until THE last minute 😂 they announced "the draw together is open" & i went "OH SHIT" Kinda like this:
I had no ideas prepared, & i normally do, but the blankets looking awkward was the suffering of the situation XD i have poor proportional consistency unless i prep a LOT.
The blankets came first but LMAO i forgot that i was also sitting in to one of Brighan's screen shares & it looked like they were helping XD
But friends i cant begin to tell you how hard it is to draw on a phone with your finger in magma. I have happily adjusted to phone drawing, but magma... you know what theres a meme LMAO I'll make it later
We have kind of a tradition in that server where we add hearts to everyone's stuff, but this one came in early & i teared up a little 🥹🫶
The cats went over the blankets & tbh Furwinter came the easiest; it was Helhest & Crow that were hard XD Cayde was. Well he got weird on me. He pulled a classic cat move & wanted to be difficult LOL
He had a whole robot cat design that i was SO HAPPY to hammer out because like i said everything was last second & i felt the design was pretty solid tbh. Not great, maybe, but solid. Then the fucker goes & shoves himself in the blankets LMAO?? OK I guess
Only now do i see that i didn't get the ribcage vent on there, but i can add that in if needed in future art.
There was later on talk in a friend group about Destiny Cat AU, which would be different from this, and i planned on making changes for that 👀 i think my friends meant "if everyone was house cats" but my brain thought "if everyone was human-intelligent big cats in a world the same way MLP does with ponies" & i started making notes for it. Crow would be blue with black & white patches, Felwinter wouldnt have fur (unless he was wearing a fur, which makes wolf fur WAY more relevant in a "dogs vs cats" context 👀) he'd be a robot cat like Cayde is, Ada-1 would have her own unique cat design as a different type of Exo, etc etc. OHHH I HADNT THOUGHT ABOUT CLOUDSTRIDER CATS UNTIL NOW THOUGH OHHHHHH VERY LARGE SHINY CAT BUDDY 👀💙💚💙💚 but oh right - back on topic. "Pretend to be cats" was a favorite game as a little kid, & hits like The Lion King didnt help discourage that XD i suppose I should have seen this coming miles away 👏💫
The draw together got lost in the shuffle of everyone's schedule after it was over & the group didnt post the end piece, which I had been waiting for in not posting my corner for so long. I guess the day friends were talking about cat AU/esk is as good a day as any 🫶
There was a group draw together on magma back in November & tbh i completely forgot about it until THE last minute 😂 they announced "the draw together is open" & i went "OH SHIT" Kinda like this:
I had no ideas prepared, & i normally do, but the blankets looking awkward was the suffering of the situation XD i have poor proportional consistency unless i prep a LOT.
The blankets came first but LMAO i forgot that i was also sitting in to one of Brighan's screen shares & it looked like they were helping XD
But friends i cant begin to tell you how hard it is to draw on a phone with your finger in magma. I have happily adjusted to phone drawing, but magma... you know what theres a meme LMAO I'll make it later
We have kind of a tradition in that server where we add hearts to everyone's stuff, but this one came in early & i teared up a little 🥹🫶
The cats went over the blankets & tbh Furwinter came the easiest; it was Helhest & Crow that were hard XD Cayde was. Well he got weird on me. He pulled a classic cat move & wanted to be difficult LOL
He had a whole robot cat design that i was SO HAPPY to hammer out because like i said everything was last second & i felt the design was pretty solid tbh. Not great, maybe, but solid. Then the fucker goes & shoves himself in the blankets LMAO?? OK I guess
Only now do i see that i didn't get the ribcage vent on there, but i can add that in if needed in future art.
There was later on talk in a friend group about Destiny Cat AU, which would be different from this, and i planned on making changes for that 👀 i think my friends meant "if everyone was house cats" but my brain thought "if everyone was human-intelligent big cats in a world the same way MLP does with ponies" & i started making notes for it. Crow would be blue with black & white patches, Felwinter wouldnt have fur (unless he was wearing a fur, which makes wolf fur WAY more relevant in a "dogs vs cats" context 👀) he'd be a robot cat like Cayde is, Ada-1 would have her own unique cat design as a different type of Exo, etc etc. OHHH I HADNT THOUGHT ABOUT CLOUDSTRIDER CATS UNTIL NOW THOUGH OHHHHHH VERY LARGE SHINY CAT BUDDY 👀💙💚💙💚 but oh right - back on topic. "Pretend to be cats" was a favorite game as a little kid, & hits like The Lion King didnt help discourage that XD i suppose I should have seen this coming miles away 👏💫
The draw together got lost in the shuffle of everyone's schedule after it was over & the group didnt post the end piece, which I had been waiting for in not posting my corner for so long. I guess the day friends were talking about cat AU/esk is as good a day as any 🫶
I love this sentiment; that the Ghosts of Lightbearers talk about stuff when their people are resting or out. While I didn't bother to put words on the jars in the back I did give the sink a faucet but Glint said "haha no" LMAO. Resisted the urge to put cracks in the window glass; that's too deep of a story element & my brain has been heavy on the "I want to linger over all the details ever" mood lately. Trying to not add more texture to Grom's shell (in-game she kinda looks like her shell is made of grating or some metal mesh, it's really cool), not putting all the bolts etc on Glint's shell… but shiny things hoooo I had fun with that little toothpick holder jar. I've been drawing candles every day off to the side now (reasons; for me) and the shiny or transparent stuff they come in- I just love adding extra details to so it pops accordingly; I know if I added cracks in the glass of the window I'd SEVERELY want to layer them all to have their own shadow lines and glistening lines showing the edges of the broken parts and that's extra time spent. There's no need for that much effort.
These are just happy brain moments that connect to the Lightbearers (but dearGod I miss drawing the persons themselves aaaaough; I'm just on a certain art path right now hrmph) as part of my happy juice vitamins every day. I don't "need it" anymore like I used to when I started dailies a couple of years ago but there are still sometimes days when I feel a familiar sense old stress-weary relief after I get done with making someone recognizable in the daily art, even when most of the art piece isn't done yet. That "ah… ah yes, there they are… I can put the weights of the world down for a second. That's nice." where you can almost feel that ache in your muscles from being tense too long or from holding a slightly weighty (or heavier) thing for an extended period that you can finally put down. We have average days then we have less nice days; even when they're really not that bad it's still soothing to have the blorbos there for it.
At this point I'm giving a side eye to those colored sticks. My brain keeps doing this, wanting a lot of other things to explode in various colors but I just don't have time rn. Be patient, brain, we'll get there LOL 👏
I love this sentiment; that the Ghosts of Lightbearers talk about stuff when their people are resting or out. While I didn't bother to put words on the jars in the back I did give the sink a faucet but Glint said "haha no" LMAO. Resisted the urge to put cracks in the window glass; that's too deep of a story element & my brain has been heavy on the "I want to linger over all the details ever" mood lately. Trying to not add more texture to Grom's shell (in-game she kinda looks like her shell is made of grating or some metal mesh, it's really cool), not putting all the bolts etc on Glint's shell… but shiny things hoooo I had fun with that little toothpick holder jar. I've been drawing candles every day off to the side now (reasons; for me) and the shiny or transparent stuff they come in- I just love adding extra details to so it pops accordingly; I know if I added cracks in the glass of the window I'd SEVERELY want to layer them all to have their own shadow lines and glistening lines showing the edges of the broken parts and that's extra time spent. There's no need for that much effort.
These are just happy brain moments that connect to the Lightbearers (but dearGod I miss drawing the persons themselves aaaaough; I'm just on a certain art path right now hrmph) as part of my happy juice vitamins every day. I don't "need it" anymore like I used to when I started dailies a couple of years ago but there are still sometimes days when I feel a familiar sense old stress-weary relief after I get done with making someone recognizable in the daily art, even when most of the art piece isn't done yet. That "ah… ah yes, there they are… I can put the weights of the world down for a second. That's nice." where you can almost feel that ache in your muscles from being tense too long or from holding a slightly weighty (or heavier) thing for an extended period that you can finally put down. We have average days then we have less nice days; even when they're really not that bad it's still soothing to have the blorbos there for it.
At this point I'm giving a side eye to those colored sticks. My brain keeps doing this, wanting a lot of other things to explode in various colors but I just don't have time rn. Be patient, brain, we'll get there LOL 👏
I hate how much my brain didn't want to post any of this. It was fine enough here in my unknown blog with one follower who is a friend. Hitting send had my golden retriever brain wanting to pull something it hadn't in a while; holding back & wanting to cry "no! I only wanted to be friends! I didn't want to say bad things about people no matter how true they were!" Seeing someone eat shit in the fandom I go through a series of excuses for them "maybe they had a bad day, maybe they just saw their cat get hit by a car, maybe-" & yes I've seen folks act like crap sometimes, but even when thinking badly of the behavior & wondering WTF privately I wanted to be understanding to life circumstances or how people just make mistakes, real ones, & can change from them in a matter of a week of reflection. I don't ignore if you fuck up or that it genuienly could have come from shitty thoughts inside you, but I play for the best in everyone; always have. And I still am wrangling my brain to not extend that generosity to ABSOLUTELY everyone. That no, it's not only Nazis & pedophiles & asshole abusive relatives who should be on my block list; sometimes bullies can be abusers who should be there, too.
At first this was insulting and humiliating to accept, but I've come to terms with the fact that I'm a "Jonathan Harker" at the beginning of the Dracula book (there have been a million variations of the story, sticking to the og novel) wherein he's cluelessly entering and traversing a country towards his death but the entire population looks at him and says "omg this is the most stupid man to ever live, but he's got human decency, we have to save this idiot-" to the point of sticking their necks (no pun intended lol) out to do it. Even Dracula's servant found it funny and gave them a knowing look of what would happen to them if they didn't sit down and shut the fuck up. I always loved the beginning of that book because it was so wholesome seeing these utter strangers risk so much just so this man can leave their country safely. So he won't be doomed like they all are. But in the last little while I've had to accept that it's me; I'm the Jonathan Harker. Back when the mods stepped in to help me with the bullies they said I needed protection, and while it was a very sweet sentiment I didn't understand. Not really. Now I do. I'd socially walk off a cliff of forgiving the wrong people, making excuses for red flags & falling for manipulation all the time if someone didn't stop me before. I'm working on fixing this, however I'm looking at a situation like: Jonathan Harker will always be my base personality and I can't change that, but I can adopt habits and coping mechanisms to manage the problem. Educate myself better, have boundaries that I don't compromise and anyone who respects my humanity will want me to have those boundaries. My brain will fight me, will want to overlook what red flags I can see, and I have to remind it of everything that's happened.
When all else fails and my brain really won't stop wanting to go back to the doormat days, I think of my twitch streamer friend. Back when the bullies were at their worst they got to my friend, trying to get people to befriend me as some manner of trap for me, and my friend came to stream one day to say to me in the most distressed tone I've ever heard irl to say "oh hi, Scint! would you like to be friends?" they sounded like they were half a second from either vomiting or ugly crying right there in their own twitch stream. It was a weird statement because we always called each other friends for months up to that point, so I said "I already considered us friends, so yay!" their tone didn't improve. We all wondered if someone died or something but that if we said anything they really would start crying. Only later did I find out what was really going on. How the bullies were terrorizing anyone near me. They did that. They hurt my friend that badly. Then I think about the other things people said, about having nightmares about those people for over a year, the mods that quit certain servers, everything… but always back to my friend and that tone in their voice. It still wrenches my heart. No one should have that done to them; equally, no one should do what they did to people & think the central victim doesnt deserve an apology (one that doesn't come with follow-up backhanding).
No, brain, we aren't going back to doormat days. Not ever. This is not necessary for survival and even if it was, at this point I almost don't care. I'm going to be human and treated like it. We're done here. The situation is part of my life story and that chapter is closed. I'm making hot chocolate, hit my studies real quick, and gonna hang out with a friend while we do co-working parallel play time. We're gonna live, bitch. 🌟
Someone made a comment about wanting to see their Ghost flip them off for all the stupid stuff they do & it made me think of how I think these Ghosts MIGHT respond to telling someone off. Sundance may not do a song and dance number, but she'd be game for it if Cayde started it. Which he would LMAO
Felspring, in Destiny Rising, is remarked as saying stuff to Felwinter once in a while about how capable his Iron Wolf, Helhest, is and how she might make a better Iron Lord than him. He knows she's only trying to get a rise out of him (ha, rise of iron) but it speaks to that if she's going to say something to someone to get under their skin this is something she might do. As Felwinter states she does this frequently to him. It might be more of a friendly tease or a prompt to get him to be more actively social or some other thing that Helhest is geneuinely good at, or merely affectionate teasing in general, rather than a kind of roast or telling someone off (and tbh that's very likely; someone saying mean sounding things to a friend won't say the same thhing to someone really fucking up).
Grom has a sort of "behind your back" approach. Not maliciously, but in Helhest's quest she's all politeness to Felwinter in asking for some assistance, and when he cuts the call she's like "he drops that bomb on us and then just leaves??" So she's likely to be nice to you but then be a bit spicy when you're out of earshot.
Gustav, my Ghost… lmfao. He goes for the psychology. He'll happily deal a low blow, despite being all hoity toidy, but it'll be the doekiest thing from a psyche text book. Funny, but also at risk for maybe not being so much a funny on the other person but rather just being overly technical and thus it goes over other people's heads. He's on the ball, here, though, with the viagra remark. XD All the funnier when he's named after Carl Jung (middle named Gustav) who was famously against Sigmung Freud… and here Gustav is making a dick/sex joke. XD
Yes, Sundance is singing a Lily Allen song. It was the first thing to pop into my head and I ran with it ASAP, lmdaooo.
Glint is a representative of the lore where he just went at Spider, initially without a word. He gets no dialogue here and is merely ready to throw the fuck DOWN. I had a time describing the eye glow thing. It was the meme of the eyes going explody in a feral manner but the only time I've seen it as emojis it's called "woke" and well… that word means things , LOL. SO when making alt text I was at a slight loss and still think I could have done better here. Funnily, at first I had accidentally given Glint too much room because I was planning to have the Spider bubble. So I added the boxer bell at the last minute to fill space.
Overall I'm pretty proud of this one. More than normal. I'm generally proud of all my stuff these days, even if low key. The background was the only thing I'm squishing my face over. Design isn't my strong suit, but Im slowly trying to work on that. I was going to go with a darker background, but the song notes blended in. Sundance is the only reason there's a green background XD. Other colors ended up being too light, at least while being in a setting that was the most pleasing to the eye. Green was what I went with but I think I could have had a better one, I just didn't have the time to really think on it. It'll be a work on progress as I go <3
I literally cannot remember what led me to this because I was on another wavelength when it popped up. I was looking at my prompts & not feeling it Mr Krabs, so was glancing around, saw a post that said "lucky color today is yellow" & was sincerely going to go with that somehow, then my memory skipped a step to get to "… & here we are" LOL. I think my friend posted a new pic of what her place looked like after the snowfall of the big huge weather front going through right now, & my brain went "ooo." But. I'm not sure XD. It's as surprising as Gustav stuck to the wall, there LOL
General story being "Glint opened the door to check the weather & it exploded on them". Sundance sidestepped the blast & because it's blasting Gustav, of all Ghosts, Sundance finds it HILARIOUS. She likes him but thinks he needs to chill the fuck out. OMG no pun intended, I swear XD. Gustav is very uptight & as a result tends to be the comic relief in storylines. But that makes it all the sweeter when he gets his slam dunks. As rare as they might be LOL.
Grom would be alarmed, even if maybe Gustav did have it coming for some judgy or fussy thing he said earlier XD which he probably did. Felspring, oblivious and on task LOL
I was so shocked that it came to me as it did and I love it so much. This is the comedy I wish came to me so easily all the time. Usually I have to think on something and I have to discard a ton of ideas that come up because they're too scene-oriented. These are daily quickies and I want one-and-done shots, not scenes that take a whole plot to work. Yet I keep getting plot comedy. All of which I'm proud of; I think it's funny, but you can't fit them into a 2 hour piece for a quick slap of art. This one popped right up and gave me no thinking trouble; wishing they were all like this LOL.
I hardly expect anyone except maybe one or two friends to even see this post, nevermind read it, but for anyone new: hi there! 🌻 Im Hal; trans, queer, AuDHD, I like iced coffee along with countless covers of "Take on Me", & youre in time to see the meme "aren't you tired of being nice?" /jk. Tbh Im not tired of being nice. Im tired of others being nasty to me.
Getting this out there for the sake of getting this out there for the moment. As I've briefly referenced to very few, I've been bullied in the Destiny 2 art community. Its been the most idiotic thing in the world, but just as stupid is the persistence, & with no prompt to carry it on.
Long post. Like… LONG. Thats just how much is going on.
* If we are friends, or even if we arent, you dont "need" to read this to prove that you care about me <3 its ok, fam! This is just about finally telling the truth. If you ever wondered why Im hard to open up, this is it.
TLDR (bc hooboy-)
Its been over 2 years of this, by now
Any "evidence" that I deserved it was A.) so out of context that it was untrue, & B.) From old news that stopped being relevent, even in its harmless context, before the end of 2023
None of my behavior in any way actively harmed, threatened, or even recklessly endangered anyone, including myself, & never called for action to be taken by anyone; there's no proof that it did
No, I never thought anyone was a horrible person during/before 2023 (i now think the bullies are horrible people). Every word of that came from the bullies, no matter who's mouth they tried shoving it in. I have mountains of screenshots & I was in their VCs throughout 2023; I know what I'm talking about. Sadly.
Due to how they terrorize folks with misinformation: no I'm not & never was angry if someone merely had said a bad thing about me. If the bullies conned you I dont hate you for it; theyre the ones at fault. You're just another victim. We have that much in common.
That TLDR should tell you how massive the post is, all in all. If anyone tries to sell you crap about me, here's what really happened. Take it or leave it, just treat me human through it all, is all I ask. Let me live & breath, vibe in my lane, try healthy things & reap the benefits; let me grow. & i hope you do, too.
-
I've kept this almost completely to myself for years while the bullying effects continue to carry on in various ways (thankfully its less potent than it used to be). I had hoped to be the bigger person, that it would be easier for the other side to just stop and heal from their own burdens if I did nothing. And I had also hoped "if I don't move they cant see me", gesturing to being terrified after all the awful things they had done while I had literally been nothing but on my best behavior as much as one can be. Yet here we are. True that I want to contribute to the voices against bullying overall by adding my own, but these people and their nonsense wont stop with the bullcrap, so here is my side in general. "In general" for a couple of reasons, one being length. A lot has happened & expecting anyone to read that is ridiculous by now, nevermind in expecting me to type it all. This is going to be a length & several on its own.
There were two general instances of out-and-out bullying against me since 2023, but they decided to join efforts after a while & the end result still hasent actually stopped as of this year. I've come to describe it as being in an old Western where people have been told that I think I'm the greatest showdown gunslinger in the land; but they were lied to and they come around to ask for a showdown at high noon… when I've never even used a gun. They expect this big monster but when they walk in the door I'm the hamster meme doodling little guys hugging & adopting a frog together. The last instance was a couple months ago. Someone popped into one of my spaces to start throwing around "ISN'T IT AWFUL THAT [very specific thing that my bullies made up about me] OMG GUYS OMG-" hoping to get a rise out of me, but it doesn't work. Because that never got a rise out of me. It was a lie. Ive been living in "I'm not responsible for the fictional version of me in people's heads" for a while now. But this is a manipulation tactic from them: try to make the victim so paranoid that when you bring up the paranoia topic theyll fly off the handle then you can point at how unstable they are. Except the bullies failed in this. I dont fly off the handle.
Once every few months something happens with yet another person. Sometimes the scenario above, sometimes it's a little something else, but all the same source & identifiable pattern. I ignore it, it fizzles out. But it keeps happening & it's kind of annoying to have to worry about the worse things starting up again. On top of that, I'm tired of silencing myself even privately. But I've gotten to the point in my healing journey where I want to be heard. I'm stitting here with my two wolves, "go get the notes, be organized, cover all the bases, fill the seats" and "just get it out there; this isn't a callout post, it's just being human & getting feels off your chest." The latter wolf is winning. These people have done enough. I'll clarify something later if I have to, for now screw it we ball.
I got into Destiny in 2017, but didn't join the fandom until 2021. January, to be specific. It took a bit for actual drama to find me, but it first came in the form of someone posting kink fanart in a sfw channel where I was admin, & when I told her how great her art was & id happily celebrate it elsewhere but that it wasn't suitable for this area she started screaming about it. She lied while venting to a friend privately who then went public and started screaming at great length to draw me out, & I foolishly thought that if I went in there with compassion that things could work out. They got worse. I had tried to spare the artist embarrassment by not telling anyone that she posted kink in sfw, but her friend screamed & screamed in hysterics (when you say stuff like "if all kink isnt allowed then no nsfw content should be allowed at all ever" in dozens of unprompted tweets all at once, yeah, I'd say youre hysterical) until I finally told the full truth. Eventually her friend realized they were in the wrong, apologized and backed off. But after that the woman would not stop lying about me to other people privately (they came to me about ASAP, showing live screenshot updates of their conversations with her), which was annoying but very "whatever"; she can do that, right or wrong. People are just gonna be like that & you just gotta ignore it. I did get presented with evidence later that her real issue may have been wanting to own Crow shipping & she hated me for being a Crow shipper, the art thing was her excuse to go after me. Again: whatever. She can ruin her lane with anything she wants.
Not long after that I became friends with someone else and her girlfriend, both of whom were very repeatedly insistent after a couple of months that we we're all best friends & super close. They pushed and pushed what kind of behavior they wanted from me, most of which I was game for & it was the same boundaries they set with their other besties so, with my limited experience with this kind of scenario, I figured that was normal & ok. Out of social anxiety I held back from laying the bestie behavior on as thick as their other friends did. One day they started going weirdly cold on me and I thought they were merely tired, because life had been a lot on them, so I kept up with the bestie behavior they previously said they wanted from me. Then one day they started absolutely raging out on me in multiple full length discord messages, "how dare you do this, how dare you do that." Except this was all stuff they had told me they needed to feel comfortable. There was no "hey, you've been doing this, please stop", any warning, or asking if I had time to talk. Just instant screaming. First thing in the morning. Another manipulation tactic: to hit during a vulnerable time & not even try to be nice first. They made their discord status "flashbang attack" during this time.
It was a week of me trying to calmly see their side of things as they gaslit me into thinking I had stepped on toes without realizing it because Im autistic & toe-stepping is going to happen, & I felt horrible about it. Their multiple discord statuses during this week talked about me "pissing" myself (not literally; it referenced me trying to understand their side of things &, according to them, doing a bad job. But that's going to happen when nothing is good enough for one side). Some of the accusations were yelling at me about things that our other friends had said, not me, but I thought they merely skimmed the chat threads and were confused about who said what, so I let it go. No one's perfect. (I went on to discover they were doing that on purpose. More manipulation) In the end they pulled an ultimadum which, when all was said and done, came down to "we're allowed to yell and scream at you at random otherwise we can't be friends." To which I said "bet." Actually, I said "oh, that's unfortumate, but we're all adults, we'll be fine. Maybe we'll be friends in the future maybe not; wishing you the best!" & they started screaming bloody murder about how I needed to be out of every space they could reach. Which, as I found out later, it was all because I didnt have a break down & start begging them to stay my friends. At the moment however I was just confused & very hurt but tried to walk it off like a grown up. Not everyone will be your friend; its not the end of the world. At least, as long as they dont start going after you for it.
While I had seen ASAP that some of their points were "incorrect" these people had been my self-declared best friends and I wasn't going to call them liars; I thought we had a series of misunderstandings alongside that I must have been stepping on toes without realizing it for a bit and that was a me problem. I screenshotted all of my (& by extention, their) behavior since I joined their server, all the DMs, all the GCs, poured over my comments to try and better see where I had crossed a line & get better. I looked into adult autistic behavior classes (which, sadly, were not what I was expecting), I changed my therapy around to twice a week… all only to eventually find out that I wasn't the problem & that we didn't have any misunderstandings at all. & thanks to that i certainly got use out of those biweekly therapy sessions. They were abusive manipulators packaging their nastiness in bullying. And they'd fooled me. This was such a big thing for me; it was humiliating. In my life I've only known a few abusers & I thought that after those past folks "now I know what it looks like, none of them can ever get me again without red flags!" and I was wrong. I never saw these people coming. This has been it's own humiliating emotional damage, but back to the topic...
Over the course of the eight months that followed the fallout between me and the bully couple started a massive witch hunt of the most stupid kind, fueled by "if we cant have you no one can". They went to everyone in the fandom who would listen, buddying up to the woman who posted kink in the sfw channel previously to join forces for this; they had formerly condemned the woman within an inch of her life, but they'll ally with anyone they can lie to.
Their favorite game was "look at this out-of-context screenshot!" Back when we were friends they pulled a few loads of garbage that they reaped for this.
One was being in VC while I was on mute, which left me typing replies in text chat, where theyd be talking crap against someone in the community (they hit everyone except like 3 or 4 folks, so this happened a LOT) & as I said I wasnt going to call my friends liars so i figured either they were right & maybe the person learned their lesson already or I hoped it was all a misunderstanding & my friends-later-bullies were mistaken. But the Bullies would screenshot my comment, crop out the kindnesses Id say, & make it look like I wasnt responding to them but rather that I was saying it on my own (funny how it would be in the VC chat, though, right…?). Another garbage load was when Lead Bully would get into fits of "gosh guys, I just dont understand why this person is being horrible to me, can you help me identify this? [Describes a very specific horrible thing]" then later point the finger at the helping friend as the one making the accusation as if the bully herself never said a thing. I think the worst one was when she begged for my help, described a cult very very clearly, then when I said "that sounds like a cult" she spread around that I was making unprompted cult accusations of innocent people. They pulled a few other things of this nature including weaponizing a private vent channel, but you get the point.
Even after they got their hands slapped last year by mods in a big server they turned it into "we were just so angry after all the stuff he did, we got carried away, oops!" continuing to push that their lies about me were true, causing the problems that carry on into this year. I kept my mouth shut for so long to take the high road, even when telling to the mods about stuff (though in that case I was trying not to drone on too much. As you can see, Im a natural yapper if you manage to get me going lol), but Im not taking heat for other people's wrongs anymore. If a manipulator puts words in your mouth its the manipulator at fault, not you.
The bullies spread so many rumors that people became afraid of both sides; they didn't know me & didn't know if the rumors could be true, but also the bullying was so heated that some people felt like they had to play along or they'd be the next targets. Seeing all the hate and viciousness being flung, who wouldn't be scared? Especially when they liked targeting younger adults hoping they had less life experience to see through things. At least one of these people, a year after getting away from the bullies, mentioned having horrific nightmares about it all, waking up in cold sweats. This person isn't a friend of mine, we're vague moots & i saw her posts about it. She's traumatized from all this.
People deleted their servers to cut off the bullcrap, mods quit being mods in places where the bullies were; there was so much community damage. All because a few people wanted to pull a jealous revenge campaign on someone who merely walked away from them after they started screaming.
During this campaign they did manage to find a handful of diehard supporters who really didn't seem to care about "fair" they just wanted to set someone on fire. They enjoyed the hate campaign & in my opinion are the same as those who lied to them: they all want to hurt someone regardless of circumstances. They need a war to fight & win, even if its a witch hunt. At absolute best, these people are violently reckless to be swept up in taking actual action against a person based on nothing. There's no trusting them.
I had spent every one of those many months of being bullied thinking "the bullies have got to be done now… right?" I even started wondering if maybe I really had done something wrong, in spite of every scrap of evidence i had to my innocence; how could anyone dog after someone month after month after month unless there was SOME good reason? They refused to talk to me on their own & I was too scared to even breath in their direction to ask. Trying to live my life knowing I was being stalked, knowing I couldn't be publicly nice to my friends or the bullies might corner them, I couldn't reblog my friend's art, even; people would talk to me so nice privately but be so afraid to be nice to me publicly.
I started to think it wasn't worth it, I was going to leave Destiny; but being autistic I could only go to my other special interests, which involved Star Trek - except my bullies loved Star Trek too. We used to have watch parties about it back when we were friends. They would be in the Trek fandom and it would be the same song and dance. Theyd terrorize the community to bury one person.
If it was anything I was doing wrong I'd have understood, but I did nothing except be nice to folks and no amount of carefully walking on eggshells was good enough to stop the bullying. I tried so hard to be more & more on the ball all the time, be better, always on tip toes, stiffer & straighter each month, solely to make them stop. They just wouldn't.
There was no place to run; no way to make it stop. (warning, S/H/+ references) Unless I "wasnt here" anymore. On three separate days I tried to take "the permanent way out." It would all stop, then. No one else would be terrorized anymore just by my peacefully existing near them because I wouldnt be existing. The universe wasn't subtle about getting in my way, there, & I was so upset. I just wanted the bullying to stop. Id do anything to make it stop. The thing is, I had gotten to a point in my therapy where I didn't want to take that route anymore on my own, my depression was no longer pushing me to that place, I wanted to believe in a future. But these people just wouldnt stop. There was only one way out. Im glad I failed on those three attempts, but I still carry the feeling of disappointment from failing & I know it means i still have things to work on. I'm not ready to give up yet. But they sure seemed to want me to.
These people talk about mental health & psychology extensively, they weaponize it wherever they can to their benefit; they know how this behavior can traumatize or destroy someone. They knew what they were doing.
The bullies never stopped trying to honey up to Destiny folks, especially the Crow corner, since I liked him so much. They coudnt fully con most folks, because all that others could see was when I was thinking I had stepped on toes and tried apologizing for it. That's not what the bullies wanted, so they had to dig up "evidence" against me. Since they didn't have any. They tore into spying on me, having followed all my blogs, lurking in twitch chats where I hung out in my friend's tiny streams, looking for anything they could nit pick to prove I was a terrible person. Can you imagine making one person the center of your life like they did? Creepy & fruitless. I spent my time there vibing, gushing about Destiny, & talking about rocks, lol.
Here's where we get a prime example of their crap, but it gets pretty convoluted. Last year, early on, the lead bully had organ removal surgery. Later on that year a relative of mine had clot surgery. I only mentioned it in a small twitch chat where only friends were, & only after the surgery was sucessful so no one would be worried. The bully saw my comment and immediately took to telling people that I was claiming to have had her very same organ removal surgery, & that I had said how she herself was lying about her own surgery just to steal my medical sob story thunder. Literally. You can't make up something this stupid.
Bully: has organ surgery
My relative much later: has clot surgery & I tell my friends how my relative is doing well in the hospital.
Bully: "OMG, HE'S TELLING PEOPLE THAT HE HAD MY ORGAN SURGERY, THAT I'M LYING ABOUT MY OWN SURGERY JUST TO STEAL HIS SYMPATHY TRAIN!!"
This is the second time I've known her to accuse someone else of stealing her medical sob story; I was in a VC with her when she was raging against this other guy after he said he has intestinal bleeding.
She went on to cause mods in a big server drag me into a "serious talk" where they confronted me (nicely) about the surgery story stealing. I won that case, but sadly things didnt stop.
The way Im afraid to even admit that I was ever traumatized for even a single moment of my life bc these people have weaponized that to wring everyone else's nerves to wit's end. You know what experience hits me deep? A realistic verbal abuse scene in a movie where a parent tells their small child how useless, stupid, & a mistake they were. I can watch it, I'll be fine, but I do need a soother afterwards briefly. You know what doesnt bother me at all? All those screaming scenes in sitcoms that are done for funsies, or even most horror movie screaming. But these bullies turned it into "all yelling triggers him, you have to be careful!!" infantizing me & making people nervous to treat me like anything short of a frail vase. Well, this treatment is a false diagnosis, a violation of my rights, & is ableist of them. Any adult with disorders of any kind are responsible for the content they expose themselves to; its no one's responsibility to baby someone, especially when that someone didnt ask for accommodations. If I don't ask for it, I dont need it, & I dont want it shoved on me as if someone owns me. If youre gonna make my adult decisions then youll be paying my bills. So pull out the money & pay for my wifi or stop terrorizing people about my mental health to try & control my life.
There are so many events, little and big, that have happened in connection to all this, but it's been me typing most of my day for this & I'm gesturing again to that these people have taken up enough of my time. I feel I've made enough of the important points, & I'm gonna start wrapping this particular post up soon. Hopefully after this, there will be nothing more I need to say.
It's almost 2026 & I'm still getting new people challenging me to showdowns, seeing what kind of rise they can get out of me because they're new to the scene and Certain People have seen fit to sell them the rumors. I just don't have any rise to give. And I no longer have the patience to hope we can all at least work things out enough to be amicable acquaintances for the sake of community. This year I've undergone a therapudic exercize where I'm trying to teach my brain to recognize me as a human being, deserving of the same treatment of otther human beings. And to not be treated certain ways; it's not okay. It may be barely, but I have boundaries and self love now. What they did to me and others was beyond terrible. They still refuse to see me as human; having feelings, taken trauma from all this, deserving of an apology, an olive branch, any effort to control the fires they set out there. If my brain has to learn to see me as a person, so do they; they get blocked. It was part of the exercize to teach my brain "what they did was wrong; dont make excuses for them anymore", but also part of the plan was to have to look at the list of changes I made to my life this year and say "Do I really want to go back to the way it was?" & I don't think I do. I don't want to open the door to somebody who only wanted to punch me in the face. And neither should you if anyone puts you in this place. They can treat you human or leave.
You cant stop people from lying, taking things out of context, being hypocrites, wishing for your downfall - but you can avoid being like them, stand tall in your truth & let your actions speak for themselves to anyone who actually listens to such a thing. Anyone who doesnt isn't worth wasting expectations on. Welcome only people who can respect the damage done by their mistakes; if they cant do that they'll never stop being willing to treat you like crap. Love yourself more than that, at least.
Im doing a million times better than I was in 2023, my traumas are easy to deal with these days; even all this bullying is practically comical by now. I dont like what they do, but I cant control that. I can only tell the truth in whatever capacity Im able & go on living my life. People can believe what they want. They will anyway, lol.
This post is so disorganized, lol. It's also lacking a few specific updates, but tbh in the end they aren't super important. This is my human mess; all my honesty & part of my healing journey. Yours will be messy too, & that's ok <3
I initially wrote this weeks ago, it went slightly unexpected places, and i put it away for a bit while I wanted to edit things; trim it down, rephrase, etc… but I can always edit later or something. I let myself ramble in too disorganized a manner, lol. It went from just telling a story to becoming a motivational message & its not actually structured for that XD. Getting it out there for now, regardless, or I'll chew on it forever.
ITS LONG, lol
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This is about how I got started in my D2 interests, which all in all will likely be understandingly boring to most, lol. Also, touching on mental health; not a lot of description in and of itself, but it does get referenced a lot. Feel free to skip this. Putting it out there for anyone who might need to hear something in it.
I was always planning these ramblings, but in light (ha) of the current situation (or shall we call it a “predicament?”) for Destiny it seems very relevant. To see how far things have fallen and look back at your journey thus far, wondering if it’s truly over. For me it’s not, but 100% respect to anyone who just moved on.
Destiny has given me two dads, an Aunt (for better or worse lol, love Aunt Savathûn), whatever Lodi is (♡), two lady crushes, & several other massive character interests— two of them being the leaders of my brainrot, and then there’s Cayde, always hanging around where he’s told not to LOL, including my brain.
Thing is, you have no idea how very “if you were into this when you were younger, then you’re into that newer thing now-” so much of Destiny has been for me. Every time I look at a character who sparkles special for me in Destiny I can think back to their predecessor pre-Destiny. All the way back to being an OG Valkyrie Profile gamer in the PS1 days; characters with horribly sad backstories being recruited into an army of the dead for a second “life” after the first one, specially chosen for a war against the Darkness…. There are so many things for me that are in the universe of Destiny that previously spanned tons of medias, animes, comic books… and now all i have to do is pick up Destiny. <3 Why would I leave? It’s not like I ever gave Bungie money or gameplay hours, though not for lack of wanting to in the past. Game systems of any sort simply cost too much. More power to folks who can afford them.
Before getting to when I found Destiny you gotta know the scene. I was coming from some rough feels and having to upheave my life. My mental health was forced to be center stage. Growing up i was taught “this is fine,” until it wasn't fine anymore. The house of cards eventually came down under its own weight. There was no traumatic event.
I had no help at the time, professional or otherwise, and could handle not one ounce of disappointment. My defenses for it were shattered. I dropped a piece of pizza on a freshly clean floor, topside up, and started ugly crying about it. It was humiliating. Since there was no traumatic event to cause it and imposter syndrome it took me a whole year to realize I had a medical problem and had to tend it. I cut out all the things in my life that didn’t “spark joy” to the max. This had to involve putting down one of my favorite characters ever at the time because he was a DC Comics character and they crossover stories so much that I’d have to deal with other DC characters just to enjoy anything of his. It's a mental strain most don't understand because they're healthy enough they can handle their brain being pulled in multiple directions like that. This DC character was the closest thing to a dad I ever had and I didn’t know how I’d get by without using him for serotonin. But he was fake and my health was real, so into the drawer he went. This was in the latter half of 2017. And that’s when I found Destiny.
It began with advertisements. They were everywhere and caught my eye, but during a year when I could not handle new content. Of anything. I couldn't risk that it would disappoint me. I focused on good vibes. So when Destiny 2 was advertised, I thought “oh ok, pretty CG space pictures. I can look at that and not even process the story…” (little did i know then how much time was spent not in space) but the story hooked me, if only through the characters. Which scared me because I was trying not to let anything new in, but there were so many good feels as I sat through just the base game youtube videos, I figured it could only help my health. I had no idea I was going to set up camp & live there XD.
However, I was wary of fandoms, and even dipping my toe in the water got me made fun of for not being able to afford the hardware to play the game. It became “you can’t be a fan of a game if you cant play it”, which is 100% untrue as long as there’s lore, but thoughtless folks will be thoughtless. With my brain still in an awful state, I didn’t even argue with them. In the name of preserving my health further I withdrew and went so far as to deny even knowing about Destiny to anyone else ever again. “Ghost? You mean those floaty talking things?” all while writing D2 fanfic one shots and one liners in my kitchen, even making my own tabletop game (I didn’t know what that was at the time; i was merely recreating a jrpg turn based video game on paper. I've never played DnD).
I grew up on games, half being first person so the feel of “being there” was natural in watching playthroughs, & with D2 focusing on the concept of “we” references as the Guardian it was easy for me to put myself in the experience. I started in the lore in 2018, taking little notes of my thoughts as I went along. Felwinter was “map buddy” (thanks to the “Felwinter Peak” lore piece) for a while XD. Each note was written, tossed into personal archives, and immediately forgotten about in the brain fog while depression numbed as much as it could. When you indulge things your brain fills in the blanks, imagining outfits and environments as you read a story and that was too much effort for me at the time, so I tried not to reread much. Everything was soup in my brain and I loved all the characters pretty much the same at the time – or so I thought. When my character lore notes added up it turns out that I did have “favorites”, but everything was so blurry and numbed by depression I couldn't tell for years.
I can’t forget to mention the time I did get to play the game for one day. While I house sat someone’s place and they gave me the go-ahead. It was long enough ago and during such a mental fog while not yet being familiar with the setup I have little recall to what was going on, but I remember jumping a lot LOL. I can’t say it dragged me into Destiny any further because I was already hooked by then, lol, but it felt like “ah yes, this is where I’m supposed to be.” A distinct feeling of “placement” that's always been in Destiny for me.
In 2020 I finally started talking about Destiny stuff to only close friends. One of my friends kept trying to get into Destiny as a result, but it wasn’t their cup of tea, yet they kept trying anyway. I felt badly so stopped talking about it too much, but I still wanted to yap, so I figured I should find some Destiny friends.
In 2021 I thought my health had gotten barely good enough to fully join the fandom and weather any storms there, but I was only partly correct. Things were still rough and people still be having drama amongst themselves, it was pretty intimidating and I talked very little. My only goal was finding one or two people to be friends with who I could talk to without boring them or anything when i really got going about it. If anyone knows what my fandom experience has been in the last several years, your heart probably sank just now lol. Yes, that’s all I wanted; one or two friends. And what I got was… not that for a long time. But that’s not the point right now.
We get to talk about Uldren Sov, because of course we do LOL. Uldren was the same to me as any other character; I liked him no more, but he was the most fun person to write due to his spicy attitude. I was sad when Cayde died, but just as sad that Uldren died. When he was resurrected I shrugged and went “well, ok then! The rules say we treat New Lights as new people and don't connect them to their pasts.” So I did. But no one else did lol. At first I didn't think anything special (or bad) of Crow, I was interested to see how he fit into the story just like any new character in a season. I eventually realized that they’d pulled a sneaky on me; I had a favorite in him. And it was safe to do all kinds of things with him because he had in-game content so my brain didn't have to design anything for him. He hit so many compatibility buttons in me it was lit up like a neon sign. The Crow interest was so strong he was a rock in a storm of my life.
It worked out that I always felt Cayde, someone I gravitated towards, would have liked Crow (thank you Bungie for making that canon <3). Cayde was actually my first Destiny 2 fanart; a WIP of his face. I never finished it because I felt the Exo design strain on my mental health, so planned on drawing stories where Crow and Cayde traveled while Cayde was stuck in a box (much like how I’d felt stuck in a box while not being able to play the game, XD). I drew a fanart off this once, LOL. But planning a full fledged story was too much for me at the time so it just became Crow-only stuff. I didn't have the courage to really start drawing Cayde from references until the trailers for Final Shape came out. I didn’t think it’d turn into a thing, but it was what Id wanted to see since Season of the Hunt so it just kept on keeping on. One of my favorite dynamics has always been the Weekend at Bernie’s guys or the Road to El Dorado guys; Crow & Cayde always gave that vibe. Marvelous that Bungie followed up on it LOL!
All this time, one character in lore-only never left me. Felwinter. He was always holding my hand off to the side. Always. It was weird to me that all the other characters accepted being sidelined, but not this guy. At least not his hand LOL. But sadly he got the same treatment as all the other lore characters: read about then set aside (except for his hand XD) while I healed. Of course that didn't stop my brain from writing down all kinds of note ideas for him, but I never connected the dots on why that happened with him especially. I was too figuratively wrapped in bandages to dance around with him more actively. Unfortunately. Later 2024 I noticed that Felwinter was still holding my hand as he'd been doing for years so I finally took another look at him, digging up my long forgotten notes.
I had thought I didn't have a favorite until Crow, but if you do the math on the amount of notes each character had, I liked Oryx & Saladin WAY more than I thought I did, & I had several large story ideas for the Iron Lords, especially Perun. But above them all, there were hundreds more notes for Felwinter. I was so depressed at the time of writing, all the days ran together & I never looked at the backlog of notes for each character. They were never even counted. There was no awareness of how much or how little I’d written. Recently I found an old notebook I misplaced from years prior to see even MORE notes. Not all of Felwinter, but there were a lot in there for him.
By the time i noticed this I had long nestled into a group of friends who liked Felwinter a lot, but I’ve never been a “go with the flow” type of person; if I like something i like something. If I don’t I don’t. If I’m not looking I’m not looking. I figured “they have their favorite and I have mine.” No biggie. I know what to draw them for Christmas lol. Finally looking at my notes I went through a lot of grief and imposter syndrome, feeling so stupid for not realizing anything about myself sooner, but that’s mental health for you. It’s going to hide your interests from you even when they're all around you. Sitting and waiting. Sometimes it still starts to get to me “he was right THERE – i liked him and everything – the wasted time…” except I couldn’t have done anything with him anyway, as poor as my health was in the beginning.
Lumbering into 2025 I hadn’t made any plans with him. “I still can't design anything. I don't have design skills,” i said. But my more recovered brain countered with the facts that I was healthier now, I hadn't had a single disappointment meltdown in years, plus I could always design something for him in the moment, & change it later. I wrote it off as too risky for a couple months while I sketched Oryx and Witness on the daily to get used to Oryx’s wing patterns and Witness’ unique head/face shape. Then it hit me at the end of February: if I can draw them both daily while also drawing Crow and Cayde daily… I can draw Felwinter too <w<
Starting March I was using the same approach I did back when I started Daily Crow: pose references, lineart/black and white, no new clothes (I gave Flewinter suit and tie stuff. The few people who have seen the art called it the men’s catalogue clothing line LMAO), & see how it feels. See if I get tired of him, because I still doubt myself sometimes. Every day my brain is upset that I’m not drawing him more LOL! All the pieces were coming together & I had no reason not to start talking about him.
There was another factor, however. I’ve been in the fandom for years and that’s enough to garner at least a couple of unpleasant events of a personal nature. I’d been actively targeted twice; both instances involved jealousy, though of different forms. The first was just one person with very little organization skill to her efforts. The second instance was much worse with a married couple pulling “if we can't have your friendship, no one can” sentiments, setting up a massive smear campaign that had nothing to it but screaming. It all got worse when I started drawing Cayde. Some people just don’t want you to succeed at anything in life. My drawing every day, no matter how sloppy I did it, apparently reminds folks about their insecurities.
After all that had gotten whipped up before in the Crow and Cayde fandoms respectively, I became afraid of posting about Felwinter. Bullies fussed about my drawing Crow, bullies fussed about my drawing Cayde… what would they do when Felwinter gets my attention?
I was going to put off posting publicly about him until 2026, give myself some growing time with him privately. But then I remembered why I started drawing Crow every day back in 2023: I wanted the good vibes of Crow content so I became what I needed to see. What about the people who like Flewinter content? I’m not the best artist, they certainly seem to do fine on their own, I never truly polish my work… but it’s something. (lol “it aint much but it’s honest work”). I create for me, posting for anyone who also likes him. Bullies cant be stopped but are their own circus and crap-flingers; not my business no matter how much they obsess over me and my art.
My health is improving immensely and Destiny was the life vest that got me through so much. I had to put aside that one DC Comics character who was like a father to me but Destiny gave me two others; Oryx and Saladin. Not to mention the others I see in family type ways; Osiris and Saint, Savathûn and Xivu… I lost one and Bungie threw a whole family at me LOL. Other characters I “lost” when I had to pack away my interests I ended up finding similar characters in Destiny, as well.
Now I’m healthy again (or at least, as healthy as someone can be in this world and Been Through It) and… I don’t want to go anywhere. Destiny has all the lore I could want and then some. They even have paradoxes (Telesto my BELOVED), time travel, and AUs that are canon. Where else do I need to go? Unless Bungie starts becoming murderers or something (which, sadly, anything could happen) this is my serotonin. I’m not in this for “pretty characters” or passing the time or that it happens to be a trend or because it’s popular, I’m in it because it rings with me. Now that I've written all this up maybe next month will be the time things go too far and I feel it’s only proper to drop it LOL but for the time being I’m making even more Destiny content plans. <3
Mental health took almost everything away from me, bullies tried to bury me, but I’m still here and still interested in the stuff that shines for me. I can’t imagine anyone beyond a couple of my friends would even be interested in reading all this, but for whoever else as well, please remember that none of us are alone on this mud ball. We have no Traveler, but we also have no Calus (or his… jewelry) to deal with at least; we have our lives and whoever around us that wants to share space with us. Your brain may fog up on you but that doesn’t mean nothing good is happening for you; the Felwinters in your life are holding your hands & they won’t let go no matter how you can’t see them right now. Those are the good things you can’t see even on the truly dark days. Sometimes those days are years. But they do pass. Just do what you need to for your health; do the adulting, keep hygiene up, feed the good vibes; it can take a while but stuff gets better. This is my Destiny journey; it’s wrapped in mental health stuff and I don't want anyone else feeling the way I felt in the middle of it all. As though it’s all so thin, barely breathing, and empty. No. You have joys you don’t know about but they’re there and they won’t abandon you. Maybe tomorrow will be the day you find one of them. They’re alive, all around you & they're so pretty it'll make you want to cry (/positive), you just can't see them for now. You won’t know what they are until you stick around to see the fog lift.
As for myself, I’m going to get supper around. Tuna rolls! Click that off on my Finch app, then get to drawing stuff that makes me happy. Seeing what kind of Light fills the world next. Good luck in yours; sending you the best <3
The iron leaves being like hopes and dreams, and sometimes you dont entirely know what youre looking at, what youre truly fighting for, until it changes you and then you pick up some pieces and look at them like ".... OH...!" These things that suddenly have SO much more meaning that all mean so much more to you than you ever thought possible.
The lore piece with the ship where he could have left, didnt, and he and Felspring were just like "we've changed," talking about no longer only wanting their own survival, they much more care about the Iron Lords and the civilians - starting to humor love & hope.
It's not unlike the plotline of some guy agreeing to protect a kid for a bit then adopts them because he realizes he actually does care even though he didnt at all in the beginning. It was 100% selfish & along the way he didnt just find missing parts of his heart he found what he wanted to be, his purpose, his passion, a future he ached for.
The iron leaves being like hopes and dreams, and sometimes you dont entirely know what youre looking at, what youre truly fighting for, until it changes you and then you pick up some pieces and look at them like ".... OH...!" These things that suddenly have SO much more meaning that all mean so much more to you than you ever thought possible.
The lore piece with the ship where he could have left, didnt, and he and Felspring were just like "we've changed," talking about no longer only wanting their own survival, they much more care about the Iron Lords and the civilians - starting to humor love & hope.
It's not unlike the plotline of some guy agreeing to protect a kid for a bit then adopts them because he realizes he actually does care even though he didnt at all in the beginning. It was 100% selfish & along the way he didnt just find missing parts of his heart he found what he wanted to be, his purpose, his passion, a future he ached for.
A breakdown of my Felwinter design, & a small bit I haven't shown before now. (Marked with orange, if you wanna skip to it) 👀
I started designing Flewinter with what we have in confirmed canon and then trying to analyze the hologram models of him from gameplay videos, hoping someone walked all the way around the holograms while recording, lol.
After that, I went digging into armor and designs that seemed connected. Everything’s as canon as I could make it then filling in the gaps with whatever seemed to fit. Sadly there were a lot of gaps LOL but I tried to fill them with canon/adjacent content even if I had to borrow from different armor.
The whole set is sort of a feel of “after growing into Iron Lordhood” for a bit. I don’t think this is what he’d have worn before the Iron Lord encounter.
The colors are taken from the Lie ornament, as I feel that’s a good place to call “grown into it”. The initial coloring is more what one would think of as the beginning era or what one grabs for convenience (looking at his lore described bronze shotgun as a wooden sword at the beginning of a game lol), since that’s just how they lived, then. The ornament might be considered what he’d have chosen when he had more options (imo, if he did it may have only been at the end, but still). Being an “ornament”, after all; you don't do much decor when you're living on bare minimum.
Helmet is helmet, but I did try to stick to the default of “darker main, lighter top piece, gold grill.” I fiddled with reversing the tones for a bit and didn’t like them as much that way. The lighter top, I felt, did well enough in reflecting the sentiment of “snow on a mountain.”
The chain is there to complete what looked like a line across the collar front, as well as accent the gold grill. The gold bits on the shoulders are there to balance out leading the gold colorings down the arms and body for the gloves and boots. On the shoulders I needed a piece to connect the armor extensions, gold bits seemed to fit perfectly.
Lol since I do quick dailies I go out of my way to reduce workload, like avoiding the white patterns on the lower robe around the back, or sometimes making the buttons on the pouches round when they're supposed to be rectangle (except on chibi; that's intentional). I also let the glove belts go & get the details wrong because it's faster, but it's part of my own preferred design that they're canon accurate Iron Truage gloves (I'll approach it right someday LOL it took me months to tackle Crow's holster).
The Warlock bond is a custom design because holy crap i could not figure it out from the hologram XD
He has a round (& very pretty 👀) one on his page, but the hologram itself kept looking… square. And somewhat elongated, with a groove up the middle. So I made it vaguely shield shaped, with the canon Iron Shield icon as loose inspiration, & worked from there.
The holograms both did and didn't seem to have something in the back of the belt, a pouch or maybe round (?) containers (could have been lumpy light nothings), so I thought of some lore reasoning for making them either grenades or smoke bombs. Connected to this, I used the Iron Lord pouches as inspiration but have my design divide the pouches between a top and bottom; the top is an actual pouch while the bottom contains marbles (which may or may not electrocute you… for which Felwinter would be not on the floor ;D)
We come to the leather robe lining. This came about for two reasons: 1.) It highlights his torso form among all the black, & 2.) The lower robe parts help fill in the outer robe & reflect Iron Lord/Dark Age vibes with the browns & leather.
Getting into my designs for his out-of-helmet arrangements… … …
This is the first time I'm showing the faces anyplace, mostly because I'm going to not use them if they give us his face in recent events 👀 I'm 100% here for canon designs if I can swing it skill-wise 👏
(The new stuff!)
I tried to give him something that fit the “sleek” descriptor from lore, as well as taking from his canon inspiration board. “Sleek” only really means concepts like shiny and smooth but a more loose connection is implied being slim, too, so I tried to choose factors that made him look narrower than he likely was.
(Sorry, I seem to have initially misplaced putting the canon inspiration board piece in the image LOL; see below)
I hadn't chosen a face when I heard about recent/upcoming events, so the choice got put off.
Both color choices come from canon. He is outright called black plated, and the holograms are flat-out orange. Rasputin did use oranges to accent his own reds, but after such heavy mourning from what he'd done I doubt he'd misrepresent Felwinter by going so much heavier on the orange for his son if it wasn't part of Fel's design.
So when it came to choosing what color his glowies should be & in light of that Rasputin seems to prefer limited color selections I just made all Felwinter's glowies match the holograms. A big feels choice with orange was my wanting to set Felwinter apart from his father by a whole color step, letting him be “related, but in his own slot.” And we know Rasputin didn't want him to be his own person, its likely that Felwinter had red lighting by Rasputin's ego choices at the time. (But that wont stop me lol, im queer and trans, one's own identity means a lot to me)
His chest piece design was a final story element factor where I wanted to think they'd have a father/son relationship in an AU 👉👈 it was initially an impulse decision that I decided to roll with, redesigning the entire canon Exo chest piece.
I entertain the thought of Felwinter having these extra pieces that he takes off for centuries (a “he lives” AU) until he makes up with Rasputin, then the extra chest pieces are treated like a team logo/birthmark. A 100% me thing; this isnt canon ♡
Im less than stellar at designs, but Im kinda proud of these. That said I dont expect anyone to use my stuff; Id love to see what others would make 👀 which is one of the points to this. I want people to know they can do this too. If they do i hope it crosses my path 🌻
