take my hand (joel miller x f!reader) chapter twelve
18+, MDNI series masterlist: here | please check this for complete series warnings and tags | 🎵series playlist pairing: joel miller x f!reader chapter summary: as others find out about your developing relationship with joel, a date night with maria and tommy goes sideways wc: 9.2k rating: this story is 18+ (minors, do not interact), there will be explicit smut in later chapters chapter warnings and tags: cursing and tlou lore accurate outbreak content below, reader has no description besides she has hair and can be lifted, jackson!joel, age difference: reader is in her 30s and joel is in his 50s, this one has it all: explicit smut, fluff, angst, kissing, praise kink, dirty talk, thigh riding, unprotected piv sex (USE PROTECTION), quickie? is that a warning?, joel talks you through it, begging, creampie, insecurity, talks of age difference and body image (not reader), violence and blood, creepy men, verbal sexual harassment (not from Joel), and as always: lmk if i missed anything!! ao3 | follow @writtenbynic and turn on notifications for chapters! dividers made by: @saradika-graphics , check them out!
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XII. WILLOW
The more that you say The less I know Wherever you stray I follow I'm begging for you to take my hand Wreck my plans That's my man You know that my train could take you home Anywhere else is hollow
The following morning you wake to the feathered tracing of fingertips up and down your arm—feeling Joel’s chest rising and falling softly below your cheek.
You stir, eyes fluttering open as you inhale deeply, feeling the warmth of his body against you before his chest moves as he rasps out, “Mornin’, darlin’.”
Shifting, you lift your head to look up at him, finding a sleepy smile akin to your own.
“How long have you been awake?”
He looks at the clock on the wall beside his bed. “Not too long. ‘Bout thirty minutes.”
You frown. “You should’ve woken me up.”
He shrugs, using his free hand to fidget with your fingers laying on his chest. “Nah, I liked watchin’ you so peacefully.”
You playfully roll your eyes. “Stalker.”
Joel swats lightly at your arm that he was brushing his fingers against, making you smile.
You sit up in bed, stretching your arms out to the side a little before slipping out of bed. You get up slowly to slide your underwear back on and reach for Joel’s robe he has hanging off the back of his door—slipping your arms into the fabric and haphazardly tie the belt around your waist enough to cover your chest. You quickly use the bathroom and come back out to find Joel standing outside the door, shirtless with navy sweatpants on, waiting to use the bathroom after you.
“How about I go start some coffee for you downstairs?” You offer.
He smiles, leaning down to press a quick kiss to your lips. “Sounds perfect.”
Joel brushes past you into the bathroom and you move out of the room to walk downstairs. Your feet softly pad across the wooden floor as you round the corner to enter into the kitchen. One look up from your feet has you jumping in surprise and you let out a small scream at the sight before you.
Hearing your cry, you hear the frantic sounds of Joel’s heavy footsteps quickly run down the stairs getting closer to you. He turns the corner sharply, eyes alert before he runs into you and sees what you see, hissing out a sharp fuck.
Standing before you both, leaning on the kitchen island, is Ellie—a half eaten apple in her hand frozen midway to her mouth as she looks between you both with slightly wide eyes and raised eyebrows.
At least you both decided to put some clothes on first.
You and Joel hold your breath, both of you tense and unsure what to say—the only sounds coming from the teen who now brings the apple to her mouth, biting into and chewing slowly.
It’s Ellie who breaks the silence. “Well… looks like I’m not the only one who had a sleepover last night.”
You gulp, mouth opening and closing as you try to find words. Joel clears his throat over your shoulder, his voice gruff as he asks, “Um… I thought you were at a friend’s place?”
Ellie nods, the corners of her lips twitching slightly. “I was. Then I came here to get my backpack from my garage before school. Decided to stop in here to get some breakfast.”
“How long have you been here?” You finally speak.
She shrugs. “Only, like, five minutes? Don’t worry. I didn’t hear anything from upstairs.”
You rush out, “We weren’t doing anything,” at the same time that Joel says, “We just woke up.”
Ellie’s mouth twists to one side to stifle a laugh. “So… are y’all, like, together?”
“We’re…” you trail off, looking over your shoulder to Joel for help. What were you two?
Joel doesn’t look at you and instead nods his head once in confidence. “We like each other,” he answers Ellie.
Her eyebrows raise as her mouth forms a small “o” shape. She stays silent for a few moments before she looks off to the side in anticipation. Furrowing her eyebrows together, she shakes her head before turning back to you two with one hand placed on her chest in guilt.
“Oh, I’m so sorry… I thought you two knew that—I would’ve spoken up sooner.”
Her face morphs into a smirk after she speaks with sarcasm dripping into her tone and you let out the breath you were holding in, trying desperately to stifle a laugh by bringing your hand to your mouth. Joel, on the other hand, brings his hand up to his face and pinches the bridge of his nose before sliding his hand down his face to wipe away his annoyance.
Hearing your small giggle you accidentally let out behind your hand, he looks at you, betrayed. “Don’t encourage her.”
Ellie scoffs. “Oh, shut up, dude. It’s you who waited so fucking long.” She turns to grab a mug from the cabinet as you walk into the kitchen to start a pot of coffee—the awkward tension leaving your body.
Joel sighs, following you in to grab some pans to start breakfast. The feeling of the normal, easy domesticity of the moment doesn’t slip past you.
Ellie grabs her bag that she had on the counter, throwing it over her shoulder. “By the way, I ran into Tommy on the way here and he asked if you’re free for some drinks at Tipsy Bison with him and Maria later?”
She pauses, looking between you and Joel with a teasing glint in her eyes. “Why don’t you both go? Make it a double date and all.”
Joel huffs out a sigh, gritting out her name in warning while you just laugh at them.
As she leaves the room and heads for the front door, Ellie calls out, “Congrats, y’all. Just make sure to let me know if you need the house to yourselves next time.”
“Ellie!” Joel frustratingly yells after her. You hear her laugh and shut the door behind her, turning to see Joel slightly shaking his head and laughing to himself.
Coming up next to him, you say, “I mean… least we ripped the bandaid off by telling her.”
“Don’t think that counts as tellin’ her, darlin’. But, you’re right.”
You smile, placing a kiss to his back as you walk past him to set up some plates on the small kitchen table in the corner.
A little later, both of you finished eating and standing at the sink to do dishes, Joel asks you, “So… would you, um, wanna go with me to the bar tonight?”
He seems timid in his question–your own eyes widening slightly at the thought. “I mean…”
He shakes his head embarrassed, turning to walk away after he finishes drying the last plate. “Sorry. Stupid idea. I don’t know why I–”
You grab his hand to pull him back in front of you. “Hey, hey, hey… it’s not a stupid idea, Joel.” He looks up at you uneasily, and you quickly try to explain yourself. “I just mean… Well, I guess I’m just surprised you’d want…” You look away for a moment, sighing before facing him again. “Just didn’t know if you would want to be public about… us.”
It’s Joel’s turn to look confused. “‘Course I do.”
You nod slowly. “Okay… then, I am too.” You look at your feet then, bringing one hand to rub at your other arm. “I just… I realized when Ellie asked if we were together, I didn’t know how I should respond.”
You feel Joel’s thumb land under your chin, gently tilting your face up to look at him. His own uncertainty seems to have washed away, replaced by soft understanding.
“Darlin’, I want to be with you. Openly. Hell, I’ll run outside and shout it right now if that would make ya feel better.”
The thought makes you giggle. “That won’t be necessary, but I appreciate the sentiment, Miller.”
He moves his hands to hold both sides of your face, thumbs softly brushing against the tops of your cheeks. “I’m yours completely, darlin’. If you’ll have me.”
His words make your knees feel like they could go out. Looking at his lips you ask, “What about me?”
He looks into your eyes, brows twitching in confusion. “What about you?”
You lean your face closer to his, lips brushing over his as you whisper into his mouth, “Am I yours?”
Joel unconsciously smiles into your kiss. “You wanna be mine, baby?”
You feel his smile and match it on reflex. “Yes,” you breathe out.
“Then you’re mine,” Joel says, pressing his lips to yours as you both try to break the smile on your faces.
You pull away panting before the kiss can lead further, seeing Joel’s swollen lips as he tries to slow his own breathing. You swallow harshly and try to collect your thoughts enough to speak up. “I… um… I was wanting to stop by the, uh, library in the town center. Would you… wanna go with me before we go see Tommy and Maria later?”
Joel absentmindedly nods while he keeps his focus on your lips. “Sure. Yeah. That’s fine.”
Nodding at his response, your gaze stays on his lips. “Cool… so, um, I should probably go home and shower or something.”
Joel’s chest rises and falls rapidly as his breathing picks up. “Yeah… you could,” he says. “Or, you can come back up to bed with me.”
God, what kind of monster has he made you?
You barely get out a yes before Joel suddenly grabs you by your hips and lifts you up. You yelp at the action—your legs instinctively wrapping around his waist for support as your hands interlock around his neck. Letting out a soft grunt, he walks you slowly up the stairs, kissing you while trying not to trip along the way as his hands roam across your back.
Crossing you both into his bedroom, he stops his movements on your mouth for long enough to set you down. The moment your feet touch the ground you pull him down to you feverishly, the movement making him groan and push you back against the wall.
He reaches down to hook your leg up around his waist and pushes his leg in between your thighs. You pull back from his mouth with a gasp—the fact that you’re only wearing underwear makes the contact cause more friction than you were expecting. He places his hands on your hips as he gently but firmly pushes you down to grind on the top of his thigh.
Overwhelmed by him—by the conversation you two had, by his touch, by the feeling of intense emotion you have burning in your chest–you throw your head back against the wall as your mouth drops with a moan.
Joel takes the opportunity to lurch his head forward, kissing and sucking your exposed neck. He brings one hand up to push aside the collar of his robe you wear. Your hands card through his hair, gripping the strands and guiding his mouth over your chest.
He groans as he hungrily moves his lips further down, scrambling to undo the loosely-tied belt around your waist to fully expose your top half. You look down to be faced with the top of his head as he angles his head down to put his mouth around one of your nipples, your own body arching up into his mouth.
As he mouths at your chest, you continue grinding your hips against his thigh. Your movements become more scattered as you pick up your pace—the knot in your stomach growing impossibly tighter.
You feel Joel lightly bite down on your nipple and cry out, the feeling sending a direct shock between your legs. You began to gasp out, tapping Joel’s arm. “Fuck… I’m–I think I’m gonna…” Confused at how quickly you feel your orgasm approaching with Joel barely touching you, your words trails off.
Joel picks his head up off your chest, pressing his forehead to yours. “I know, baby. Need you to come for me. Need to feel you come on my thigh now.”
Your moans begin to pick up in volume as your lower half desperately chases your end. Joel helps by flexing the muscles in his thigh and guides you further onto him as he brings his leg up against you more, the feeling of his hard cock against your stomach sending you reeling.
You grip onto his arms, throwing your head back harshly as your orgasm washes over you and Joel’s name leaving your lips.
Coming down from your high, you sag against the wall, panting heavily before you see Joel looking down at you with lust—his own lips parted as he breathes heavily. You don’t wait another second before bringing his face down to yours to move your lips against his hungrily.
He groans into your mouth before you move your hands to slide his sweatpants off. He rips away from you briefly with wild eyes. “Darlin’, let’s walk you to bed–”
“No,” you say. “Need you now. Right here.”
Joel doesn’t get a chance to argue when you push his sweatpants down and his cock hits his stomach. He gasps out at being exposed to the air before turning into a moan when you grab him and line it up at your entrance.
You reach down to pull your underwear to the side, too impatient to take it off completely, feeling how soaked you and the fabric are. Joel takes one look into your eyes, seeing you nod before he takes a hold of his cock and begins to push inside you. You both let out deep moans at the feeling—your senses being so heightened, and you being so wet already, that there’s no need to take things slow.
Joel pushes into you in one fluid motion before he braces his weight with one hand on the wall beside your head while the other reaches down to push your leg up and wrap it around his waist. The angle opens you up more and allows Joel to hit deeper inside you.
This time isn’t like the previous times. His thrusts are frantic, messy, and desperate—your own hips moving in a similar rush.
Your previous orgasm left you sensitive and you feel yourself reaching your end quickly, just like how it was minutes ago. The fact your underwear is pushed to the side adds to it as you feel the seam of one side rub against your clit from the friction of Joel’s thrusts.
You begin panting heavy moans in Joel’s ear, the sounds morphing into desperate whimpers as you begin to beg. “Joel… fuck. Please, baby—please I’m gonna come. I wanna come. Please, please, please, please–”
Joel, who is still catching up to your desperation, composes himself long enough to say, “Yeah? You wanna come for me, darlin’?”
You let out a sharp whine before another string of please’s leaving your throat.
You feel him nod against your forehead, moving his hand down to rub quick circles on your clit. “C’mon then, baby. Come for me, sweet girl.”
His added friction and the increased snapping of his hips into you causes a moan to wrench from the back of your throat—your whole body shaking from the intensity of your orgasm wracking through you.
Joel’s end follows you shortly after, a frantic string of moans and curses leave him. With a cry of your name, he shouts out, “God… fuck!” His hand that was holding himself up comes back down to slam harshly on the wall as he spills inside you. You feel him twitching inside you, your own walls fluttering around his cock from aftershocks.
He quickly wraps his arms around the small of your back and lifts you off your feet lightly, bringing you over to the bed. With him still inside you, he spins the two of you so he falls onto his bed with you landing on top of him.
He holds you close, both of you speechless as you try to match your breathing with his own. After some time he breathes out, “Like I said… early grave, darlin’.”
Your day was spent well. You had gone back to your house after spending an hour just talking with Joel in bed. Once back at your own house to clean up and get dressed for the day, you spent the time filling your mind with the memories of the morning and the previous night. A piece of you felt shocked at the suddenness of your desire for him along with the feeling of not having enough of him.
After getting ready, Joel had walked with you to the town library as promised. The two of you split up to look at direction selections with you going towards the small assortment of records and classic literature, and Joel spending time in the comic book and space sections.
When you were on the way over to the library, you two had run into Tommy. He had just given a smirk at the sight of you two together, but didn’t make a comment, only saying to meet him and Maria at the bar around eight.
Leaving the library in the afternoon, Joel had split up from you to check some things over at the power plant while you went back home to put your things away. When he had walked away, he grabbed your hand to give it a squeeze before departing. It was a small gesture, but it was the most public show of affection that had been given. Even if it wasn’t likely noticed by people in town—you noticed it.
A little before eight Joel knocked on your door to pick you up and walk over to the bar together. The moment you stepped out, Joel hovered his hand over your back, as if unsure on if you wanted to be held. You gave him your answer when you reached your hands up to wrap both of them around his bicep. The feeling of your touch made him let out a soft exhale as his body loosened.
You both arrive at the Tipsy Bison, Joel pulling away to open the door for you and allowing you to step inside first. The smell of whiskey and sounds of the busy bar hits you. Loud laughter and clapping as the mostly-drunk crowd mingles with their groups and engage in playing pool or darts—soft country music playing amongst the mix.
Maria’s wave catches your eye as you look to see her and Tommy sitting at a table for four along the far right wall, close to the counter that surrounds the bar area in the center of the room—Seth and some other workers behind it making drinks and taking people’s orders.
You feel Joel come up close behind you as he places his hand on your shoulder, looking up to see him scanning the room with the scowl you are so used to finding on him. The only difference is you learned that that frown goes away when he is around people he’s closest to. Outside of those moments, he’s always on alert for danger and making sure people leave him alone. You assume that fact is a bit more prominent tonight with you there beside him.
You nudge your shoulder back against his chest to grab his attention. He pulls his gaze away from his survey of the bar to look down at you, eyes softening when he sees your reassuring smile, and squeezes your shoulder in response.
The moment he notices his brother and Maria he grabs your hand and tugs you lightly, leading you over to their table through the crowd. He mutters out grunts along the way to move through people—a contrast to your own quiet words of excuse me.
Maria gives you a warm smile that you match with your own while Tommy has been looking smug since you two first walked in. Joel pulls out your chair for you, gently pushing you in across from Maria before he sits in his own seat opposite Tommy, tucking you in between him and the wall.
The moment Joel is seated Tommy reaches over the table to slap Joel’s shoulder, calling out a bit too loudly, “Ay, you old fucker. Took ya long enough to get settled down, huh?”
His teasing causes Joel to deeply exhale out of his nose as you see his jaw clench and his left hand on the table balled into a fist. You look nervously between them—half of you knows that this is how Tommy messes with Joel usually, but also that Joel hates it most of the time.
You place your left hand onto his thigh that lays against yours. His muscles relax as he brings right hand over yours, grabbing your hand and interlocking your fingers firmly as you begin to rub your thumb over the back of his hand.
Maria eyes Joel—taking note of the tension between him and what you realize is an already slightly drunk Tommy. She pats his shoulder lightly before looking between you and Joel meaningfully. “What my dear husband means to say,” breaking to give Tommy a pointed look, “Is that we both are very happy to see you two together.”
She ends her sentence with a wink at you, making you think back to the conversation you had with her about Joel and your conflicting feelings around him. You mouth a soft thank you to her, watching her smile at you in response.
Tommy’s smirk turns into a genuine smile as he looks from Joel to you. “Maria’s right. I’m glad to see you happy, honey. No idea how you made this grump go soft, though,” he says, laughing as he takes a drink from his glass of whiskey in front of him.
Joel just grunts in response and shakes his head, but you feel his body sag a bit as the tension leaves him.
Tommy claps his hands together before slapping them on the table. “Alright lovebirds, let’s get some drinks in y’all!”
He calls over one of Seth’s boys behind the bar, and orders more drinks for the table along with some food to share amongst you four. You end up drinking a couple glasses, only enough to feel a buzz. Maria seems to be more interested in eating and speaking with you—giving you updates about Benjamin as you ask her how things are with him. Tommy, on the other hand, seems to be spending this time drinking as much as possible, clearly taking any chance he can get to rile up Joel.
Joel, who has barely taken more than a couple sips from the first glass Tommy got him, is anything but relaxed—taking the opportunity to repeatedly look around the bar and stare people down.
At one moment, you feel him tense underneath your hand on his thigh and look over to find him glaring at a particular table closer to the bar. Sat there is a group of men around your age that you briefly remember seeing around town. Nothing seems off from them, so you chalk up Joel’s reaction to annoyance towards people noticing the two of you being closer than usual.
Maybe about an hour of conversation amongst you four—or three, you suppose—Tommy makes a comment about your drinks being empty. Watching him stumble as he tries to stand up, you quickly begin to slide out of your seat. “How about I get us the next round?”
Joel immediately snaps towards you while his hand grips your thigh in an effort to pull you back down. Not harsh, but urgent. You look down to see him with an almost worried expression—eyes widened as he frowns.
“It’s okay,” you say, “I’ll just be right back.” You confirm your decision by bending down to give him a quick kiss on his cheek before walking around him and to the bar.
You tell Seth your order of drink refills and a burger for yourself before he walks off to the back of the kitchen. Leaning on the bar counter, you feel eyes on you and turn to see Joel sat at your table watching you. You try to give him a smile in reassurance but your view gets blocked considering the crowd of people between you.
You turn your attention forward again, taking the chance to look around the various decorations of animal skulls that are mounted on the walls.
That feeling of being watched back a few seconds later, but this time it feels off. You turn your head to look over your shoulder, attempting to search for Joel but are met with one of the men at the table Joel was glaring at earlier. His close proximity makes you jump for a second, realizing it was his stare you had felt as he walked up to you.
You see a leering smile on his face as he stops very close to you—close enough that you stumble to the side and plop onto the bar stool instead of standing and leaning on the countertop.
He just stands there for a moment looking at you before he says, “Hey there, sweet pea.”
His words make you cringe, the feeling only growing worse as you smell the intense amount of alcohol that leaves his breath and wince. You look towards the bar, staring up at the bottles along the top shelf as you try to ignore him. Not taking the hint, the man continues. “What? You don’t remember me?”
The question makes you turn to look at him, eyes squinting as they scan over his features before you shake your head politely to tell him you don’t. Your response makes him scoff in a way that makes it seem like he’s just playing, but you can hear genuine annoyance in his tone.
“It’s me,” he says, a dramatic tilt of his head to grab your attention. “Dylan?”
You look to the bar, hoping to see Seth coming back with your drinks before you briefly glance at Dylan. “Sorry, I don’t remember.”
He leans his hand against the counter, moving closer to you as he ducks his head to try and get you to look at him. “Oh, come on. You’ve talked to me at town meetings and shit like that.”
You focus your eyes back on him and only then do you barely remember what has to be the handful of times you had spoken to him in town. You offer a short nod and say, “Oh, right yeah. I remember now.”
The answer seems to satisfy him enough to sit on the stool next to yours, making you lean back and let out a quiet groan under your breath. “So,” he says, “Saw you with the boss’ brother.”
The mention of Joel makes you frown at him. “Brother-in-law,” you correct. “Maria’s the one in charge, not Tommy.”
He waves his hand away as if the correction doesn’t matter to him. “Whatever. I gotta say, it’s sad seeing you sit on your own over there being forced to hang out with old people like them.”
His words make your jaw clench as you try not to snap and choose to ignore him. You see him look up behind you to find what you assume is his friend, another man you recognized from the table earlier, moving to sit at the seat on the other side of you. “This here’s my friend, Justin.” Dylan extends his arm behind your back to gesture to his friend while letting his hand brush against your back.
Feeling cornered, you go to stand up and walk away when the other man, Justin, speaks up and grabs your attention. “What’s a hot chick like you doing sitting so close to that grandpa?”
Your head snaps to him. Rage simmers inside you from hearing insults thrown at Joel. “None of your business.”
Justin squints at your defensive tone, and a beat passes before Dylan lets out a sharp laugh in disbelief. “No shit—are you fucking that guy?!”
You feel your body begin to tremble and pry yourself from the bar stool to get up when both men stand up and trap you against the counter. “Move,” you grit out.
Dylan reaches a hand up to try and brush your arm. “None of that, sweet pea. We’re just wanting to–”
He cuts off with a sharp cry of pain, the sound shocking you until you see the cause. Joel stands behind them, grabbing Dylan’s hand before he could make contact with you and twisting it back until his fingers hit his wrist.
Joel lets go to push him further away from you and Dylan lets out a gasp of relief from his hand being free.
“She said, move.”
You focus your attention on Joel—his body looming over the two men who were crowding you, his eyes hard and cold as you recognize the look in them. It’s similar to the one he had when the two of you ran into those raiders a couple weeks ago.
His hands are balled into fists at his side. His chest moves up and down rapidly—nostrils flaring and jaw clenched.
“Hey, what the fuck is your problem, man?” The loud exclamation seems to garner the attention of some close surrounding people.
Joel’s attention slowly moves down to Justin as he hears his voice. You watch as Justin stumbles back when Joel’s gaze lands on him. Joel towers over both of them—his height and the broadness making them nervous at the sight of him standing over them.
Dylan, done grasping at his hand and wailing in pain, stands up straighter to look at Joel. You realize just how drunk he is when he jabs a finger into Joel’s chest while his friend begins to look a little less confident at the confrontation.
Joel looks down, bored, at the finger that presses into his chest before looking back up at Dylan eerily calm.
“We were talking to the hot chick until you so rudely hurt me. Unprompted too, man.”
At his words, Joel takes a deep exhale but doesn’t say anything in response.
Moving his finger off of Joel, a smug smirk crosses Dylan’s face. “In fact… we were talking about how hard it is to believe that someone like her is with someone like you. Weren’t we, Justin?”
Gesturing to his friend, Dylan finds Justin cowering away from Joel and beginning to slowly back away from you.
“Oh were you, now?” Joel asks, seething.
“Yeah… I think she ought to have a real night of pleasure. Nothing someone your age would be able to offer her,” he says, reaching his arm down to behind you.
You impulsively begin to step away but he doesn’t get a chance to make contact with you as Joel suddenly reaches out to grip his arm tightly. Dylan winces, grappling at Joel’s hand to try and wrench himself free, but Joel just tightens his hold as his face remains stoic.
You watch as Joel yanks Dylan towards him and away from you before he twists his arm behind his back, the action causing Dylan to cry out in pain and alert the people in the bar. You gasp and step back as Joel slams Dylan’s head onto the counter, a sickening crunch being heard as his nose makes impact with the marble top. Blood gushes from his nose, growing worse as Joel continues to pick him up and slam him in the counter once more while simultaneously further twisting Dylan’s arm behind his back.
His friend seems to gather the courage to try and pull Joel off of him, but Joel just lets go and turns to punch Justin in the face, knocking him to the ground.
Tommy runs up to your group, evidently more sober than he has been earlier, to reach and stop Joel from straddling Justin and punching him more. He grabs hold of Joel’s arms and pulls him back with a shout. “Hey! Knock it off!”
Joel continues to thrash in Tommy’s arms. A few other men, you assume the others from the table with Justin and Dylan, come over to help their friends off the floor before turning to Joel with the intent to fight him.
“Enough!”
The loud call makes the whole bar go silent—everyone stopping to turn and look at Maria who stands at your side now. She rubs your arm before looking harshly at the group of men in front of her in a reprimanding demeanor.
She shifts her gaze to Joel, who just stares at her as he breathes in and out quickly. Nodding in your direction, she says, “You. Take her home.” Turning back to the men, she says, “And you. Take your two friends to the doctor and I’ll meet you there and deal with you later.”
They stare at her in disbelief for a moment before she hardens her gaze at them and hisses out a sharp, “Now.”
The uninjured ones scramble to drag their friends out of the bar with Dylan and Justin moaning in agony on the way out.
Joel begins to shrug Tommy off of him until his brother lets go completely, allowing Joel to immediately march up to you. The moment you’re in his grasp, he grabs both sides of your face with his hands, looking into your eyes intensely. “Are you okay, darlin’?” He whispers.
You bring your hands to hold onto his arms and nod. Joel leans his head against your forehead momentarily before stepping back to wrap his arm around your waist. He looks at his brother and Maria, and you watch her and Joel share some unspoken words. After a second of just looking at each other, he firmly nods once before she offers him one in return. It’s a rare sight—possibly the first time you’ve seen the two share a mutual look of understanding and respect, even.
Joel hastily guides you through the bar and out into the mildly cold night. All the while, you lean into his chest shyly as you feel and see people’s stares as you walk out—hushed words being said as they notice your obvious affiliation with Joel.
The entire walk home is silent as Joel keeps one arm wrapped around your waist with the other down at his side, his hand flexing open and closed in an effort to control his anger.
You become nervous as you recall the events of the night. How on edge Joel was the whole time. How uncomfortable he seemed at people’s eyes on the two of you. How bothered he was by Tommy’s teases and the assholes’ comments. Insecurity began to wash over you—did Joel regret going out in public with you?
By the time you reach your street, a pit has formed in your stomach and you begin to wonder if Joel will just drop you off at home. Your worry is quickly quelled when Joel guides the two of you towards his house—a silent indication to you that he wanted you with him tonight.
He opens the door for you, gesturing you inside where you take off your shoes next to the door and hover in his entryway. Without looking at you, he shuts his door and keeps his gaze fixated on the floor. You can see the muscles in his jaw tick before he wordlessly walks past you and into the kitchen.
You stand in the entryway for the moment, fidgeting with your hands in front of you before slowly following him and brace your shoulder against the doorway of the kitchen. You find Joel filling two glasses of water before handing one to you, a soft hum leaving his throat. Grabbing the glass, you notice the cuts and bruises on his hand from the fight at the bar with smeared blood across his knuckles.
You gasp before setting down the glass and walking up to him to gently grab his hands and bring them up to take a closer look.
Joel winces slightly, a soft hiss coming out before he mutters, “M’fine, darlin’.”
You look at him with doubt and a growing annoyance at his dismissal. “No, Joel. You’re not fine.”
He tries to pull his hands from your grasp, mumbling arguments, but you let out a frustrated huff. “God, can you just let me fucking help you for once, Joel?”
He stands there blinking for a moment, shocked at your outburst before he gives in with a soft nod of his head and dips his gaze to the floor.
You sigh, feeling guilty for briefly snapping at him, and you take a gentle grip on his hands to guide him up the stairs. You make your way into his bathroom to fill a small bucket with water, grabbing a rag and some alcohol before turning around to see Joel leaning on the doorway.
He looks around the bathroom mindlessly, standing there in an almost child-like manner as if he doesn’t know what to do apart from you. The sight makes your shoulders sag in defeat.
“Here, go sit on the bed and I'll clean your hands over there.”
Joel shakes his head, pushing himself off the door frame and walking up to you. You look at him puzzled for a moment until he grabs your hips and hoists you up to sit on his bathroom counter, moving to stand between your legs that now drape on either side of his thighs.
He brings his hands over to lay in yours that rest on your lap—a deadpan look on your face as you say, “You know, if I’m cleaning up your wounds then shouldn’t you be the one that’s sitting down, ya know, relaxing?”
His lips quirk up at the corner—a small smirk showing on his face as he looks in your eyes. “Guess I just want an excuse to be between your legs.”
A soft scoff leaves your lips at his playful demeanor and you take his hand to begin gently wiping away the blood from his knuckles. “You’re digging your own early grave at this rate.”
You watch his face fall into a frown as he looks to be pulled into his own thoughts. His expression concerns you, but you decide to not push—giving Joel the space to speak with you when he wants. If he wants.
After cleaning his hands, you pour some alcohol on the rag to wipe his cuts over his knuckles. He lets out a soft hiss at the contact, making you wince out an apology. He just shakes his head assuring you he’s fine and lets you continue your ministrations.
Satisfied with your work, you let go of his hands, pressing a soft kiss to his knuckles before he steps back from you and helps you slide down until your feet hit the floor. Rubbing the back of his neck, he asks, “You alright to sleep over tonight? Can borrow some of my clothes to wear to bed if that’s okay?”
Your heart twists hearing the uncertainty in his voice as he asks you—the answer obvious in your eyes. “Of course I will, baby.”
His eyes go soft at the name, and he tells you he wants to take a shower first. After pulling out some clothes for you, sweatpants and a soft long-sleeved flannel, he tells you to get situated in bed while he showers.
Now dressed and warm, you make your way into his bed and lay there flipping through the book on his bedside table while you wait.
A short time later you hear the faucet turn off and listen to the sounds of him moving around as he gets out of the shower. You look over when you hear the door open to find Joel step out. His hair is still wet with his curls being messy from him scrubbing a towel over them. A towel hangs from his hips as he walks into the bedroom area. You try, and fail, to not stare at the way his muscles ripple and the way water droplets slide off his hair, down his neck and back as he faces away from you.
You watch him carefully when you see him moving around his room as if he’s not entirely there—unconsciously looking through his drawers to find some boxers and flannel bottoms and sliding them over his hips.
“You gonna be okay sleeping shirtless? Or are you gonna rely on me for warmth?” You ask lightheartedly in an effort to break the tension in the air.
He doesn’t seem to process your words as he continues to move aimlessly around his room, picking up different pieces of clothing from the floor and tossing them into the laundry basket. The sight and his lack of response only makes your worried feeling grow until you softly speak his name. You barely get out the syllables before he snaps his head up to look at you with a frown on his face.
“Do you ever think of our age?”
You blink once, the question throwing you off guard as the topic was not even something to cross your mind after the events of tonight. “What?” You ask, letting a soft laugh escape you.
He just shakes his head and looks at his feet. “Forget it.”
You sit up in bed, crawling over to him as he moves to sit on the edge of the bed with his head in his hands. Reaching his side, you place your hands on his shoulders from behind him as you lean to look at this face. “Joel?” You say, gently prying his hands from his face.
He turns to look at you with his brows furrowed and biting the inside of his cheek. His lips part as he tries to talk, but he seems to get frustrated with himself as he suddenly huffs out a breath and stands up pacing in front of the bed.
“Joel…” you repeat, feeling uneasy.
He shakes his head again, standing still to place his hands on his hips and stare at you almost accusingly.
“I’m old,” he says, stopping after saying those words to stare at you. Realizing he expects an answer but having none, you slowly shake your head at him confused.
“You–” he cuts himself off and looks around the room. “You realize I can’t protect ya properly, right?”
A gasp leaves you. “What? Joel, what the hell are you–”
“The comic book store.”
His gaze locks onto you and his words silence you as he keeps his eyes on yours firmly and a scowl fills his face. “I couldn’t hear the damn clicker, and it nearly got you fuckin’... killed. And then, the raiders. I didn’t hear that sick fucker come up and grab you. I couldn’t fuckin’ hear it because of my own damn decisions. And then I seen him hold you. Knife to your fuckin’ throat. And I just froze.”
“I didn’t know what to do. I felt… fuckin’... paralyzed. I couldn’t move. Couldn’t breathe. And it’s happened before, with Ellie back when I–” Joel pauses at that, pinching the bridge of his nose with his fingers before composing himself and changing the topic back to you.
He begins throwing his arms out as he speaks and continues pacing in front of his bed. “If I was… if I was stronger, younger… maybe I wouldn’t freeze up. Maybe I could anticipate that shit. Maybe I wouldn’t let the people that I love come even close to being in danger. Maybe, if my body wasn’t so fuckin’ soft… if I wasn’t so weak… if I was more fit then I could…”
He pauses and shakes his head as his voice begins to break when he speaks up again. “And everyone around town knows it.” His eyes are big and crazed as he waves his arm around. “They all see it. They know I’m old. They know I can’t fuckin’ keep anyone safe… God, I couldn’t even keep my–”
Joel’s words cut off as he breaks into a sob, his shoulder falling forward as cries wrack through his body. The sight makes you lurch out of his bed and launch yourself towards him to throw your arms around his shoulders. You feel his own arms grip your sides and slide around your back, burying his head in your shoulder. You feel him let go of everything you think he had been holding inside of him—full sobs leaving his lips as he struggles to catch his breath.
You hold him against you tightly, running one of your hands through his hair soothingly as you keep the other gripped tightly around his shoulder. You try to help calm him as best as you can by offering gentle hushes and reassurances. “Breathe, baby. Just breathe with me, okay, Joel? I got you. I got you, honey.”
For a moment it feels like your words do the opposite of what you wanted. The sounds of his cries and the shaking of his body only grow worse. It isn’t until after a few minutes that his breathing begins to slow into short gasps and his cries subside into sniffles.
Feeling his body relax slightly against yours, you lean your head back to pull his face in front of yours, but the sight makes your heart shatter inside you. He looks at you with shy, insecure eyes that are red and full of tears that run down his cheeks slowly.
You feel your own tears that had been welling in your eyes begin to fall down as you look at him. You move your hand to grab his and feel him latch onto you tightly as you walk him over to the bed. He encourages you to climb into bed first where you lay your back against the headboard and see him climb until he lays on top of you to rest his head at the base of your neck. You place your chin on the top of his hair and begin to move your hands up and down his arms, feeling him wrap an arm around your waist to pull you in closer to him.
The two of you lay there as you hear his breathing and cries slow until he regulates his breathing. Unbeknownst to you, the feeling of your heartbeat under his ear is what grounds him.
“Joel?” You whisper, tapping his arm lightly. He slowly turns his head to meet your eyes with his glassy ones, a soft pout on his lips and he looks between your eyes and your lips as you speak to him. “Is it okay if I talk?” You ask.
He furrows his brows at your question but nods. “You don’t have to ask, darlin’,” he says, his voice hoarse and broken.
You take a deep breath in and take his hand that lays on your stomach with your free one to interlock your fingers before speaking. “None of that was your fault, Joel…” He looks as though he wants to cut you off, but you shake your head once in a silent ask for permission to speak freely. He relaxes his shoulders, beckoning you to continue.
“You can’t blame yourself for any of it. Especially with your ear. You couldn’t have… you couldn’t have known. The comic book store… I just saw it first. It wasn’t anything you did or didn’t do. I just saw it first, and I wanted to protect you. Because I– I care about you. That was my decision.”
His eyes flit back and forth between your own as he takes in your words, his eyebrows tilted up in a heartbreaking expression.
“The raiders… they were vile people. But, I think you forget it was six against us two. Joel… you took down more than half of them on your own. You kept me safe. When the last one grabbed me, it was because I ran out of bullets,” you look down to your interlocked hands as you recall the memory. “He heard me draw blanks, and he grabbed me during my moment of weakness. Not yours.”
Joel’s eyebrows twitch as he listens to you. “I was as good as dead in my eyes. I froze too. I let him take hold of me before I could escape quick enough and I panicked when I didn’t know how to get out. You were the one who knew what I wanted you to do. You were the one who shot him. Hell—Joel you shot him without hitting me with more than a slight graze. If the roles were reversed I totally would’ve put a bullet through your shoulder.”
You let out a cross between a sob and a laugh, feeling Joel’s body twitch with his own light scoff. “You saved me… It was your comfort I relied on. It was you who I needed to help me through that moment. And, Ellie…” you trail off.
“I don’t know about your journey with her, and I don’t need to know if you guys don’t want to share.” You see Joel’s face soften and settle into a more relaxed state—his big, sad eyes looking up at you attentively. “But you know what I do know? I know she’s here. Alive. And that’s a big feat in this world. If she was on her own…”
The thought makes your body shiver, a chill going through you. “I can’t… I can’t imagine what could’ve happened to her. But you,” you pause, shaking his shoulder lightly as you put emphasis on your next words. “You kept her alive. You kept her safe, happy, and breathing. You brought her here where she gets a chance to thrive and grow. That girl fucking loves you, Joel. She relies on you, so ardently. Even if you can’t see it.”
There’s something guarded in Joel’s eyes when you talk about Ellie. Something that has him tensing up just the slightest, but you don’t question it. Instead, you think about the last words he spoke before he cut himself off with a sob.
“And…” You pause, not wanting to speak her name or what happened.
You shut your eyes and try to compose yourself before you let out a slow, stuttering exhale. “I can not imagine… I– Joel, you can not blame yourself for something like that. This world is fucking cruel, and it’s ruthless, and it’s painful, and… and we can’t control what happens. You can’t hold that burden on your shoulders, baby.”
A choked sound leaves Joel’s throat as his face twists into pain, a short sob leaving his lips as he takes a deep breath in and lets your words sink into him.
You pause for a moment and allow the two of you to sit in silence—the quiet air being filled with soft breaths from the two of you and the tick of the clock.
“And… Joel?” You shakily say, unsure on how to phrase the next part. Hearing your wavering, he straightens up a bit in your hold and nods to you in encouragement to continue. Looking back down to your hands intertwined at your stomach, you say, “Your… age? I–”
You shake your head, squeezing your eyes shut for a moment before looking at him again. “Your body, and your age, is not something that makes you weak. It doesn’t… alter your strength, or your value.”
You hear him take a sharp inhale of breath, seeming to hold it as you talk. “In fact, it’s the opposite,” you say and watch his face twist into stubborn confusion.
“Do you know how lucky we are? For our bodies to change in a positive way. That’s… Joel, that's a gift. It means we aren’t starving. We aren’t on the run. We aren’t struggling to stay alive. We’re safe, here, in Jackson. We have access to food and comfort that we can relish in and appreciate. Of course our bodies are going to change. We aren’t in a constant state of survival right now. We get to live.”
Joel’s face softens as your words sink in. “I didn’t— I never saw it that way…” he trails off.
You give him a small smile and nudge his shoulder. “You think my body hasn’t changed?”
At that, Joel’s face screws up in offense. “There’s nothin’ wrong with your body, darlin’.”
The serious tone in his voice makes you let out a giggle. “See? That’s how I feel about yours.”
That seems to make Joel huff out a breath at your point. “And, your age? Another good sign.”
You try not to laugh as you see Joel’s face screw up in confusion. “How the hell is that a good thing?”
Smiling, you say, “Because you’re getting old. It means you’re alive long enough. It means I get to keep you for a while. Shows that you’ve survived this long. Long enough for me to meet you.”
Joel’s expression softens almost instantly and he looks down at your interlocking hands that rest on your stomach. “I happen to like the idea of watching you get older. Older means you’re still here.”
The thought makes Joel’s eyes snap up to look at yours, scanning them for any sign of a lie or doubt but finding known. Instead, what he finds makes him feel the air get knocked out of his lungs. He leans his face slowly to yours, hovering his lips over your own for a moment before pressing them to yours. You meet him with the same slow movements in an effort to wordlessly express what you can’t bring yourself to say quite yet.
Caressing your hair with his palm on the side of your head, he slowly pulls away before pressing a short kiss to your lips, your nose, and your forehead. His touch makes you giggle—relief fills you as Joel pulls back and you see his face morph into a breathtaking smile.
“Thank you, darlin’,” he whispers.
You respond by shifting your body down until your back is lying on the bed with your head on the pillow. He keeps your previous position the same, wrapping his arm tightly across your stomach as he lays his head over your heart.
“Goodnight, Joel,” you say. The only response you get in return is a soft hum as his eyes fall shut to the feeling of your fingers moving through his hair, and Joel mouthing three words to himself before he succumbs to sleep.
a/n: so sorry for a more delayed posting. I have had incredibly bad writer’s block, so updates for take my hand may be slower. I have many chapters outlined but I’ve hit a block towards the end of the story as a whole. instead of putting out weekly chapters and maybe going months without one later down the line, I’m gonna post them slower to give myself time to catch up so that way there’s not a giant chunk of time without any chapter. 🏷️: @dendulinka6 @suzysface @koshkaj-blog @orcasoul @emmasveinyahhdih @thatoneperson38747 @silksepia @orodaeh @ithinkimokeei @emnull0 @warriorkarol @luvwanda @pascal-mynightlyobsession @grayandthyme @crlsummer @ashleyfilm @darling-imobsessed @tjohn63 @lizzie-cakes @vanishintoyoubby @keileighr @umadirectioner if anyone else wants to be tagged, removed, or if I’ve missed any, then please let me know!
