Those personal textposts of yours.. They sounds like extractions from a novel. Are u living a fiction? Or do you aspire to be a professional writer?
Well, sometimes it feels like I am living a fiction, but no, they are not extractions from a novel. I would like to publish a book, but I don’t know that I would ever call myself a professional writer.
He smelled like Sunday mornings, Bon Iver and Macallan 18.
I don't sleep much.
I wake up constantly for periods ranging between thirty minutes and a few hours.
It has been this way since I can remember;
Usually I stare at my ceiling and think about things I need to do
I try not to think about things I need, or think I need, to say.
Last night every time I woke up that line I had written a few days ago popped into my head.
I turned over. Over and over.
Went on instagram - although - nothing really happens on there at three in the morning.
I sat there, in the dark thinking about it for some time.
I have always been a big scent person;
I could spend hours dizzying myself sniffing one after the other
with the occasional whiff of coffee beans in between.
I like exquisite, exclusive scents and those found not just anywhere.
It was strange to me when he told me did not wear cologne;
I had dated men whose colognes seemed to play hide-n-seek with their egos.
The thing about a well chosen scent is that it lingers ever so desirably;
come find me rather than here I am.
A little mystery keeps things exciting.
He did not need it.
I loved that he smelled like a man and his scent was nothing like the synthetic masculinity that sits in glass cases under bright lights at Nordstrom...
no price tag, no fancy bottle, and certainly not available to sample.
And last night I wondered, so why Sunday? Why Bon Iver? And why Macallan?
I thought I had chosen those words
but they had practically typed themselves.
Sunday mornings were luxurious, white sheets pulled over tangled limbs for just a little too long,
I do not know how to sleep but it did not matter
I liked watching him sleep while
he kept one arm not so casually wrapped around my hips
as I challenged myself not to think and just enjoy
[and there was so much to enjoy]
Bon Iver humming in the background
someway, baby, it's part of me, apart from me
I would chime in quietly.
Intoxicated -
we probably did have one drink too many the night before
and the smell of whisky would fill the air for a few seconds; it could have been imaginary -
by the feeling of being exactly where I wanted to be.
There:
he smelled like the powerful melody of desire, blended meticulously with opulent intentions by a passionate hand; it had the most gratifying sillage.
You won't find that in stores.
It turns out desire is not a scent you can just wash away.
in effect, the cost of being who you are is that you can’t possibly meet everyone’s expectations, and so, there will inevitably, be external conflict to deal with - the friction of being visible.
still, the cost of not being who you are is that while you are busy pleasuring everyone around you, a precious part of you is dying inside; in this case, there will be internal conflict to deal with – the friction of being invisible.