hazely things

ramblings past midnight

[hazelythings]

lol hi

it’s been a while. after my k/drama posts from last year, i focused on adulting. no posts from the last few days of January 2017 until the start of 2018. funny how i posted something a year after. here’s to more drafts!! ... that will eventually turn into entries.

[hazelythings]

january 22

It's 3:05 am and I am still awake. It's the second day of my rest day, and tomorrow, I go back to work again. I suddenly remember my reflection before 2017 ended. That I'm always tired and drained (maybe because of work? maybe yes). Nothing much has changed. I'm coming towards week 3 of this month, of this new year. Still the same. Still the same bad habits, the usual habits that hinder me from the self-care I longed for before the new year. But hey, there's still time. There will always be time. It's not too late. I hope it's not.

[hazelythings]

In the end, I realized that you have to face it head on. No matter how painful it may be. In the end, you still have to face it.

Choi In Ha from Pinocchio

[hazelythings]

No matter how you try to hide it, the truth always has a way of coming out. Somehow.

Ki Ha Myung from Pinocchio

[hazelythings]

Apologies should be given to the person that they're owed to. Apologizing to anyone else is just a pathetic act of self remorse.

Ki Jae Myung, from Pinocchio

[hazelythings]

Burying the truth doesn't make it go away. It is bound to come out into the world in some way, shape, or form. Whether it be pretty or heinous, you to keep your eyes open and observe.

Cap Hwang, from Pinocchio

[hazelythings]

In order to survive this world, I must go beyond my boundaries.

Seo Bum Jo, from Pinocchio

[hazelythings]

Thank you for the music, 2016.

2016 is one tough year, but the music helped me through it—the good, loved, and old ones; the ones I discovered and loved; the ones that inspired me to write; the ones that indirectly told me I need to suck it up; the ones that encouraged me to follow my dreams—to pursue and push through it, no matter what; the ones that helped me sleep, the ones that helped me express my anger, angst, frustration, heart-brokenness; the ones that helped me forgive and accept... I share this playlist. Here’s to 2017! Here’s to music!

[hazelythings]

what i learned from going with the flow

The first thing is: you don’t.

You can't just go with the flow. No certainty that you'll get somewhere.

Wala kang patutunguhan. Or baka ang dahilan kung bakit nag go with the flow ka kasi hindi mo rin alam kung ano meron; ano mangyayari pag nakarating ka na sa gitna, kung saan wala na. Hindi mo na alam kung saan at anong direksyon ka dapat pumunta. Baka rin naman sa dulo (ng walang hanggan) ka makarating. Sa dulong walang patutunguhan. Sa dulong lingid sa inakala. Baka ma-overwhelm ka niyan. O baka naman hindi ka marunong lumangoy... Patay tayo dyan.

which is why you can’t just go with the flow. you need to take control of your own waves. you need to take charge of your ways, your path.

[hazelythings]

mahirap nang labanan, mga espada ng orasan

malaya ka na

malaya

[hazelythings]

drifted apart 08

At some point in our lives, we tend to drift apart with what we thought were the most important ones.

Disclaimer: The first part of this was written before Christmas season, when I was still angry with everything. Well, not everything. Most things.

November: Maybe I’m never really over it (yet).

It’s funny how I didn’t follow my outline because of you. I just felt the need that this is the right time to write about our friendship or whatever you want to call it. It’s also funny how I can’t really seem to find the right words to say. It’s just… I just feel, still, a little sting inside that I actually lost a friend in you. And writing about this seems so final; like, we won’t ever talk about it—that we won’t find closure because we suddenly stopped talking to each other. Not only that but frankly speaking, you still refuse to put your guard down and be humble about what we’ve gone through. You still refuse to show a little gratefulness. This is probably why we drifted apart and why we will never cross paths again—and if we do, you’re that one person who I will choose to ignore. (or!! If ignoring isn’t possible/couldn’t be done, I’ll probably just give a subtle “Hi,” and then just give you a reason that I need to go, just so this time, you could have a taste of my own alibi).

Now that I think about it, we only talked about the deep stuff only because it was required in one class. The rest were just shallow things. I don’t want to remember everything that we’ve been through because to be honest, it’s either I decided to forget or I really forgot about it. Instead, let’s just go straight to what I think—and what I feel, as well.

This particular point in someone’s life truly tests friendships, and obviously ours didn’t make it. I’m actually surprised that there was even a friendship. We were such opposites. I mean, let’s get real. I’m not expecting a “Sorry” anymore. By this point I’m not expecting a “Thank you” either. Well, partly because we’re not talking anymore. We already stopped talking to each other.

To be honest, it’s hard to put down into words what I feel, how I feel. It’s not that I don’t have anything else to say. It’s just… this just proves how strenuous the relationship was. This was how stressful the friendship was. The fact that I can’t instantly put into words what I think and what I feel just proves how this is still a fresh wound, and you can’t really get over it magically. You don’t and it’s hard.

Looking back, you acted as if the world revolved around you, and I understood and accepted that about you. I just said to myself that this was probably how you were raised—that you were so loved by everyone. There’s nothing wrong about that. However, that attitude, that viewpoint in life becomes wrong when you’re not aware of everyone else’s thoughts and feelings. All you ever thought about was yourself and how everyone else needs to adjust to you. You never saw the need to do better since you thought that was all you can do, so you just settled for less. You never made up for what you lacked.

Maybe I’m never really over it, but I want to get it over with.

You, on the other hand, a person whom I thought I was never going to be close to. A person who, to be honest, I never got to know on a much deeper level. A person who, because of just one thing, changed the way I saw him/her. It was because of that one attitude that slowly drifted us apart.

December: Writing this made me realize the anger was on different levels, on different people.

I should apologize. Maybe at that point, I realized, I also was at fault. I apologize, but I’m sure I’m not the only who needs to. This whole thing ruled over the latter part of the year. My anger and negativity ruled over.

And I don’t want that anymore.

December: Whether you like it or not, whether they realize it or not, everyone played a part; they were still a part of your success.

Whether they say sorry or not, whether they say thank you or not, it doesn’t matter anymore. They’re still human. You’re still human. They make mistakes. They misunderstand. They understand. I hope you do, too. I hope you understand my intention. I choose to be the human that forgives, which is why, finally, I let this go. So long. See you when I see you.

[hazelythings]

I was busy cursing all those who made it through

a little bit of sunlight is all that my heart will let through

[hazelythings]

When someone is doing something that they really want to do, they look the most beautiful.

Kim Hye Jin, from She Was Pretty

[hazelythings]

Holding onto my dream until I became an adult isn't easy in this world.

Kim Hye Jin, from She Was Pretty

[hazelythings]

try her once and it’s on to the next chick

[hazelythings]

drifted apart 07

Sa huling pagkakataon.

drifted apart… or should I say, paghihiwalay??? minus the attachment i didn’t have a right to

Hindi ko na ‘to gagawing pormal, dahil sa kung ano man ang matatawag mo dito, hindi naman din naging pormal.

Go-with-the-flow ang peg ko—natin. Mula sa minsan, naging madalas, hanggang sa naging palagi, araw-araw, gabi-gabi na pag-uusap na medyo pinagsisihan ko dahil sana naitulog ko na lang. Sana naikain ko na lang. Sana nag-aral na lang ako. Sana mas nabigyang pansin ko na lang ang mga mas importanteng bagay. Sana hindi na lang kita na-associate sa paborito kong banda. Eh hindi ‘yun ang nangyari.

Ano ‘yung nangyari? Sinayang ko ang oras ko sa’yo.

Sa totoo lang, wala na akong maisip na isulat patungkol sa’yo. Kasi, parang, halos lahat na yata tungkol sa’yo. Nakakapagod. Nakakainis. Hindi naman yata patas kung sa’yo na lang tungkol ang lahat ng isusulat ko. At sa iyo pa talaga nasayang, naaksaya; nang dahil pa talaga sa’yo, nakapagsulat ako. Hindi na rin ako magaaksaya pa ng panahon sa pagsulat at sa pagbitaw ng mga hininakit, dahil hanggang dito na lang ako. Kung sa bagay, ikaw rin naman ang nagpasyang hindi na mamansin.

Sabi nga sa isang kanta ng Munimuni (“Sa Hindi Pag-alala”), “Kakalimutan ko na rin, mga sinabi mong wala palang ibig sabihin.”

And so I shall.

[hazelythings]

dahil kakalimutan na kita

eto na