two corpses we were, two corpses i saw.

I'm Lauren. University of Rochester, Class of 2019. ΚΑΘ.

[senseitive]

only thing I’m really committed to right now is bettering myself

[heartbeats-becoming-slow]

bittersweet life update

my boyfriend told me last week that he thinks we should take a break. not a forever break, a temporary break. and after some time to think, i wholeheartedly agree. 

i love him and i want to share my future with him. but the way we have each been processing the trauma that happened regarding the gunshot was really unhealthy. we relied on eachother too much. our mental healths suffered, and when he struggled, i struggled because he was struggling. we are going to take some time to work on ourselves and become the best versions of ourselves we can possibly be. he is gonna work on his mental health before his move to hong kong, which is in september. i have a therapy appointment on wednesday.

i have already decided to write down one thing i love about myself every day and make a log of my mental health. i want to use this break to discover who i am, what i love, and spend more time with my friends. 

i think this break will help us individually, AND prepare us for an even stronger future together. neither of us did anything wrong but we need to work on our own issues so our relationship can strengthen. we are gonna re-assess the situation at the end of the semester. we are staying close, sharing stories and texting, sending snapchats. he told me when he first told me he needed a break that he still wants to be a part of my life and he wants me to be a part of his. we still love each other and we still tell each other that. he loves me so much he is giving me time to become an independent person. i hope his mental health can improve, and i truly believe it will. since he moved from the house where we heard the gunshot, his mental health has already improved! 

i can’t wait to be together with him again, but for now, it’s time to rely on myself and love myself.

[heartbeats-becoming-slow]

i was sleeping over at my boyfriend’s house last wednesday night when we heard the sound of (possibly) a gun shot at 5:30AM on thursday morning. he started screaming and staring at the window, unable to move. he was hallucinating that his dad, who has shot at him before, was in the room with us trying to kill us. he told me the next day he thought it was the last time he would see me again. i spent hours trying to calm him down and i am still not over the encounter. i hear him screaming all the time, and noises send me into a panic. i am going to start going to therapy to deal with it because it has made my week really really difficult. if anyone has tips on how to deal with trauma please let me know. i no longer feel safe in rochester and i hate that i have to live here two more years in such a dangerous area.

[heartbeats-becoming-slow]

finally, enjoy some adorable photos of us at my sorority’s formal.

[heartbeats-becoming-slow]

oh christ i didnt tell the followers that are still here that my boyfriend is moving to hong kong for a year on a fulbright fellowship in 2 months

we are gonna be long distance half a planet and a 13 hour time difference away 

and i told him that it will be so hard and painful and messy and difficult, that honestly, it wouldnt be worth it if i didnt really truly believe in our future together. like, Future-Future. and he feels the exact same way. we both view this as a temporary time period in an otherwise very long and beautiful relationship

[heartbeats-becoming-slow]

i haven’t been on here in ages but i just wanted to tell whoever is left following me that being in love is the best thing thats ever happened to me

[heartbeats-becoming-slow]

this is gonna sound petty af but i am going to sit here in my room and see if he asks me to dinner

like im done trying to plan e v e r y t h i n g. this shouldnt be hard to plan, assuming we go to the march madness game at 7:30 (big IF since he cannot plan for shit)

im tired of trying and bending over backwards for nothing in return. lets see what i end up doing tonight 

[heartbeats-becoming-slow]

in other news, i lost my virginity on feb 4

it hurt a lot but it was still very special to have such an intimate and beautiful connection with the person i love

[heartbeats-becoming-slow]

some asshole in my building has been smoking weed and blowing it into the vents of the bathrooms so weed smoke has been filling the bathroom of my suite and destroying my already compromised lungs and i am not happy

[gaybabyangel]

i want someone to love me like hozier loves whoever tf he’s singing about

[heartbeats-becoming-slow]

god bless america

[fondestsuggestion]

i’m so glad the universe let me meet you

[itsblackfriday]

I wanna lose weight but I also like eating crap and lying down 

[heartbeats-becoming-slow]

being a girlfriend is really really really hard and im not good at it

[heartbeats-becoming-slow]

saw a post “let’s stop seeing sex as the biggest thing you can do to show someone you love them”

but like....sex actually would be the biggest thing i could do to show someone i love him????? that is literally what it is to me? it’s an act of intimacy and humanity and vulnerability and trust and love. to me having sex with someone, having them see me at my most vulnerable and most intimate, would show how much i care about them and how i want to experience this connection with them on another level. i dont see why that is a problem? 

[klefable]

it’s me, the neediest person in the world™

[asexual-plant]

why have sex when you can have spaghetti